All I need to know
by Anne Bensler
Summary: Set in season 17. Olivia Benson causes a car accident and asks to see the man she put in the hospital. Read to find out more! EO of course. M rating for chapter 79 and 80 only. Completed. FIRST CHAPTER OF THE SPINOFF HAS BEEN POSTED ON 5/1/18!
1. Crash

**1\. Crash**

Her ears were still ringing from the deafening crash. The doctors had told her she was very lucky to have gotten out of her car with only minor injuries. She'd been buckled up properly and the airbag had protected her. Her neck hurt a bit and she had a sprained wrist but aside from some nasty bruises, that was it.

The man she'd hit had not been so lucky. She'd rammed the driver's side of his car full on and he'd been severely injured. It was her fault. She couldn't remember every little detail but they had told her she'd ignored a red light. The traffic cameras would no doubt provide the proof soon enough. She knew she would be held accountable and she could only hope the other driver would pull through.

How could she explain that she hadn't been thinking clearly? That the case she had been working on all week had triggered severe flashbacks to her ordeal with Lewis, and that she'd been trying to get home to Noah as fast as she could while fighting off those flashbacks?

They were keeping her overnight for observation, just to be on the safe side, and she'd called Lucy and Sergeant Dodds to let them know what had happened. She had wanted to see Noah but had to agree with Lucy that it was too late to drag him across the city now. Lucy would spend the night at her apartment and would bring Noah to see her in the morning.

She wanted to see the other driver but her nurse had told her he was still in surgery. She had asked what his injuries were, but the nurse wasn't sure. She also wasn't sure if she should tell her at all.

...

She couldn't sleep. The woman in the bed next to hers was hooked up to a monitor that kept beeping each time she moved and Olivia was aware of every little sound in the corridor. She heard doctors talking and beds being wheeled to or from their rooms and got up after a while to see if she could find the man she'd hit. He should be out of surgery by now, shouldn't he? It was past one am already.

Before she could even leave the corridor to try and find the intensive care unit, she was stopped by a male nurse.

"Excuse me miss, are you a patient here?"

She figured the hospital gown would be a dead giveaway but kept a smart comment to herself. The nurse must have picked up on her mood anyway because he smiled, and added,

"I meant, are you a patient of this ward?"

She decided to be honest with the man, who was about her age, so he wasn't some rookie trying to be clever.

"My room is over there," she replied, pointing behind her. "I caused a car accident last night and I would like to know how the other driver is doing."

"Ah."

The man seemed to be debating in his head whether or not to tell her anything, and Olivia put on her bravest face.

"I just want to know if he's going to be alright, and to tell him I'm sorry. I take full responsibility for what happened."

"Well, he's out of surgery and has been taken to a medium care room," the nurse finally told her.

"Medium care? So that means he'll pull through?" she asked hopefully.

The nurse nodded and Olivia felt like a heavy weight was lifted off her shoulders.

"Can I see him?"

"Well, it's a special case. I ..."

The nurse hesitated again and she had to wonder what was so special about this patient.

"He suffers from memory loss."

"Oh ..."

Olivia swallowed hard. This wasn't good. Not at all.

"But it seems to us, that the memory loss was sustained prior to last night's accident. Maybe even years prior."

She was getting curious now and the nurse finally relented and beckoned her to follow him.

"He's been awake for about an hour now after the anesthesia wore off but he should go to sleep soon. He has a broken hip and leg, a few cracked ribs and a concussion."

"No internal bleeding?"

"No, thank God. Despite the seriousness of his injuries, he's been lucky. We put a few pins in his hip and leg and the rest is up to him now. The memory loss is somewhat of a mystery though. You see, he does remember bits and pieces of the accident, and what he'd been doing earlier in the day."

They had reached the man's room and the nurse let her in. There was only one bed in the small room and the curtain was drawn halfway around it. She approached the bed slowly, not wanting to startle the man and peeked around the curtain. The sight before her hit her like a ton of bricks. She gasped and her knees buckled. The nurse caught her just in time, or she would have sank to the floor. Her eyes were still fixed on the face of the man in the hospital bed, who had his eyes closed, and her brain was trying to process what she was seeing in combination with what she had just been told. This couldn't be. It had to be a mistake. Either that, or the gods were playing a very cruel joke on her.

She had just put Elliot Stabler in the hospital.

...

 **Dun dun! Just something that popped into my head and won't leave me alone. A short chapter to begin with. Let me know if this is interesting.  
And no, I'm not abandoning my other two stories, 'Take Your Time' and 'Doddson - Because'.**

 **PS. This is set in season 17 but in this universe, there is no Tuckson ... Leave a review to keep me motivated to write more! :)**


	2. Amnesia

**2\. Amnesia**

The nurse had grabbed a chair for her and she plopped down on it, grabbing the edges of the seat to regain some sense of balance. She couldn't take her eyes off Elliot. He hadn't opened his eyes yet, but frowned and seemed to be aware that there was someone else in the room.

She'd had several speeches ready for this moment. Angry speeches, mostly. And emotional speeches that had forced her to admit to herself that she had felt more than betrayed by his sudden departure from not only the job, but from her life as well. She had been heartbroken.

Seeing him lying there in that hospital bed, so vulnerable, small even, and realizing that she had put him there, had made all the anger and bitterness seep out of her in an instant. She wasn't sure what she was feeling right now but when the helpful nurse held out a glass of water to her, she knew she must look like she'd just seen a ghost. In a way, she had. Of all the ways she had pictured her reunion with her old partner, this was never one of them. He had a broken leg and hip and would be out of commission for months. He was pale and looked like a shell of the big, strong, intense man she had always known.

He sighed and she felt her neck hair stand on end instantly. She hadn't even heard his voice yet but just that one sigh made her respond physically to him. And then he opened his eyes and tears welled up in her own. Those eyes. How she had missed his eyes. She could see confusion in his eyes for an instant, and she blinked quickly. She needed to see him clearly.

The nurse had walked up to him and spoke quietly.

"Mr. Stabler, you have a visitor."

His confusion gave way to realization. He remembered where he was. She could still read him without needing words.

"Who?"

His voice was raspy but strong and it hit her square in the gut. She took a deep breath when the nurse stepped aside so Elliot could see her. She stood up and took two small steps towards the hospital bed, and towards the man who had been the center of her world for over a decade, and finally met his eyes.

Elliot looked at her for a few seconds and she could tell that he was thinking really hard. She held her breath, waiting. The nurse must be wondering what they were doing, just looking at each other without speaking. But this was what they did. What they had always done. After long seconds, she saw his eyes light up ever so slightly.

"I know you," he said, lifting his left index finger and she felt like her legs were going to give out again.

The nurse quickly pulled up her chair and put it behind her, so she could sit down next to the bed.

"This is the lady who hit your car," the man explained quietly, and Elliot's eyes flicked to the nurse briefly and then back to hers.

"Oh."

"I'm so sorry," Olivia said quickly, and Elliot fixed his eyes on her face again.

"I do know you, right?" he asked, tapping his index finger on the bed.

Olivia had to make an effort not to grab his hand and hold it to her cheek. She stayed perfectly still and held Elliot's gaze. His eyes told her that he had lost his memory indeed. There was an emptiness there, but also a sense of peace that she had never seen in his eyes before. He wasn't the same person, yet he was. Her heart was pounding violently in her chest though. Elliot seemed to be sure he knew her so he remembered _something_.

She took another deep breath and breathed out slowly, using the breathing techniques she had learned during therapy to disconnect her body from the situation at hand and relax. And then she finally spoke.

"Where would you know me from?"

"I don't know ... yet," Elliot said, still studying her face. "You see, I have amnesia. I don't remember anything or anyone from before October 20, 2011."

The nurse grabbed Elliot's chart and jotted down the new information. He had been right. His patient's memory loss had not been caused by the car crash. He had lost his memory over four years ago. On his birthday?

"You are the first person I've met that I'm certain I knew before then," Elliot continued and Olivia's heart rate must be reaching dangerous levels by now.

"Not even your wife?" she had asked him before she could think about it.

Elliot looked away and closed his eyes.

"You know Kathy?"

"Yeah."

"I don't."

His voice had sounded bitter and she reached for his hand instinctively. As soon as their hands touched, Elliot's eyes opened again.

"Please tell me who you are. You're not just the lady who put me here."

Breathe in. Breathe out.

"My name is Olivia."

Elliot wrapped his fingers around hers.

"It suits you."

"Thank you," she said softly.

She was still overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions and didn't feel like herself at all. She wasn't this trembling, insecure girl. She was a cop for crying out loud. But in this weird scenario, sitting at Elliot's hospital bed in the middle of the night after plowing her car straight into his, she wasn't a cop. She was trying to tread water in quick sand with no solid ground beneath her feet.

"So how do we know each other?" Elliot asked her, and the question forced her to focus on his situation again. He really didn't remember.

"We used to work together."

"Oh."

Elliot thought about her words for a few moments, never letting go of her hand. Olivia stroked the back of his hand with her thumb and somehow, it made her heart rate go down at last. Elliot was here. He was actually here and he was safe. Injured, but safe. And he had lost his memory over four years ago. That meant he hadn't stayed away from her intentionally all those years. It was what she wanted it to mean. She looked at his hand in hers and swallowed hard. It had been too long, and yet it almost felt like no time had passed at all. Elliot's next words brought her back to the present, and the chilling reality of his condition.

"They tell me I used to be a cop. So are you a cop too?"

...

 **I'm kind of enjoying writing this in short bursts. I hope you all don't mind, as long as the bursts are frequent? And do you feel Olivia's initial reaction is in character for her under the circumstances?**


	3. Family

**Thank you all for the great reviews! And apologies to those who want longer bursts :) This just seems to be the way this story wants to be written. Here is chapter 3 for you all!**

...

 **3\. Family**

"Yes. I'm a cop too."

"You're a pretty lousy driver for a cop."

Olivia laughed out loud at Elliot's dry comment and saw a twinkle in his eyes that made her stomach flutter.

"I _am_ sorry," she said, squeezing his hand. "I have no excuse for running a red light."

"What's done is done," Elliot said calmly, holding her gaze and she was amazed at how laidback he was. "So while we're here, tell me more about our job. It's the least you can do, right?"

He grinned and her stomach clenched. He was still all Elliot and he wasn't. It was like the heavy burden that had always seemed to weigh down on him, was no longer there. He didn't even seem to care that he was in the hospital with serious injuries and a long road to recovery ahead of him. All he was focused on was probing her for information while he was still somewhat alert and sedated enough not to be in too much pain. Their world had been reduced to a bed and a chair in a hospital room in the middle of the night, and somehow, it felt right. She wasn't getting any sleep anyway so what better way to spend the night than to catch up with her long lost partner and friend?

She told him about the nature of their work at the Special Victims Unit and he listened, asking questions from time to time but mostly, he let her talk. Somewhere during their conversation, the nurse must have slipped out, because they didn't see him again for quite a while after he had adjusted Elliot's bed so he was now sitting up a bit. Olivia told Elliot about the people they had worked with and wondered why nobody in the squad had been informed of his condition years ago. They could have helped to try and jog his memory. She had to wonder why Kathy had never reached out to them when it became clear that his amnesia wasn't just a short phase. At least she would have known how he was doing.

"Olivia."

The mention of her name startled her a bit and sent a chill up her spine. His voice was so familiar and so different at the same time. She realized she had gone quiet, and Elliot was trying to get her attention.

"Sorry," she said quickly. "I guess I drifted off for a bit there."

"Where did you go?"

She bit her lip, trying to decide if she should ask him about his family.

"Come on, detective. You're my only link to my past. Help me out here," Elliot pleaded, making her heart melt like only he could.

"So your wife and kids never seemed familiar to you at all?"

There. She'd asked him. She focused on her breathing while she waited for his answer. Elliot sighed and looked up at the ceiling. She saw pain in his eyes.

"I wanted to say they did. They're all nice people you know."

"Yes, I know."

He looked at her again.

"They never talked about my job. Said that the job had broken me and I was better off not remembering. Kathy ... my _wife_ ," he added bitterly, looking away from her again, "actually thought that we could start fresh and not let my job get between us again, like it had before apparently."

The truth hurt, physically even. Olivia felt like someone was pushing down hard on her chest. They had kept her away intentionally. Nobody had reached out to her or the squad, not even to let them know how Elliot was doing. They just let everyone believe he had abandoned them. Her. Especially her. It was disappointing to realize that not one of the children had bothered to contact her in any way. Not even Kathleen, with whom she thought she had had a special connection. She focused on her breathing once again, trying to breathe through the constricted feeling in her chest.

"It didn't work."

"What?"

She'd lost his train of thought, too consumed with her own pain for the moment.

"That fresh start she wanted? Didn't work. I lived in their home for over a year but it just didn't feel right. We didn't know each other anymore."

He turned his head towards her and she saw pain in his eyes, again.

"Eli is a great kid though. It feels so good to hear him call me dad."

"Eli ..." Olivia mused, "he's what, eight now?"

"Yeah. Just turned eight last month. It's a great age."

Elliot smiled a real smile then, and she could tell he did love Eli, even if he didn't remember being his father. She was certain he was doing his best to be a father to the boy anyway.

"You see him often?"

Elliot nodded but winced at the movement. Olivia jumped up to check that he was alright, and noticed a few stitches behind his left ear.

"It's alright," Elliot said quickly but she remembered that he had a concussion, so most likely he was in some pain.

"Maybe I should let you sleep for a bit," Olivia offered, but Elliot grabbed her hand again.

"No! Please don't go."

The urgency in his voice struck her. He almost seemed afraid and she froze, still leaning over him partially.

"Elliot," she sighed and something changed in his eyes instantly when she said his name.

He gazed into her eyes and she could see the wheels turning.

"I do know you," he said once again. "Tell me what you were to me."

She choked up and couldn't hide the tears that welled up in her eyes fast enough. He'd already seen her reaction. She moved away quickly, sitting back down in the chair. She stared at the floor, noticing that some dust had collected underneath the bed and was moving because she had stood up and sat down again.

"Olivia," she heard him say, and his voice was so tender now, as if she was the patient in stead of him.

She looked up at him, still unsure of what to tell him. She had wondered for years what she had been to him, even while they still worked together. She had nothing but the truth to offer him right now, so she said quietly,

"I don't know."

...

 **More soon, I promise. And reviews make me happy!**


	4. Unresolved

**4\. Unresolved**

Elliot stared at her and she could see the wheels turning in his head once again. He tilted his head and she had to look away. She felt like he was looking straight into her soul. After what felt like an eternity, he finally spoke again.

"You don't know what you were to me. Do you realize how much that means? How much you've just told me?"

Olivia looked at him hesitantly and she could see he was dead serious.

"I mean, you could have said we were partners. Friends. Lovers even?"

Her stomach clenched. He wasn't joking, just staring at her.

"But saying you don't know after all those years ... that is telling. And painful."

Olivia bit the inside of her cheek and looked down at her hands. Was he going deep and analytical on her now? That wasn't very much like the Elliot she'd known. And he wasn't done.

"I have spent the last few years observing people. Trying to find out what makes them tick while trying to find out what makes _me_ tick. I've got a nice pension. Kathy and most of the kids are doing their own thing now, so I can afford to just observe life. And I think I've become a pretty good judge of character."

Elliot chuckled to himself.

"Well, maybe I was that before, I wouldn't know. But what I'm saying is, if you can't tell me what you were to someone you worked with for over a decade, that means there are things between us that are unresolved. Am I right?"

Olivia wanted to scream. Her eyes had gone wide and she couldn't believe what Elliot was saying. He was Elliot and he wasn't. He was dissecting her skillfully but without all the heated tension that used to hang between them. Unresolved issues indeed. And she couldn't stop him. Not this time because he didn't remember her and he hadn't abandoned her. There was no reason to lash out at him and she felt deflated. And at the same time, she wanted to scream.

"I can feel something between us," Elliot continued, hacking away at her heart relentlessly, "and I want you to tell me what it is."

Olivia stood up abruptly and walked over to the window. It was dark outside and she didn't see much, but she couldn't sit so close to Elliot right now. He wanted her to tell him something she didn't understand herself. What could she say?

"We were never lovers," she settled on and she had spoken so softly that she wondered if he'd even heard her. But he had.

"Why not?"

The question startled her and she spun around to look at him.

"You were _married_ El," she said without thinking. It had been her only answer for so long that it just came out instantly.

Elliot just looked at her, tilting his head again.

"El," he said and she realized she had used his nickname.

She shrugged. How could she explain that to him?

"And if I hadn't been?"

She was trembling inside. They had never, ever addressed this topic. And with good reason. It was dangerous. They didn't go there because it could only end in disaster. Only they weren't partners now, and he wasn't married apparently, and he didn't remember the boundaries they had erected between their hearts and their bodies. She shook her head slowly, folding her arms in front of her chest to keep herself from shaking.

"You were."

Elliot looked at the blanket covering most of his body and wiggled his toes. She wondered if he was in pain from his injuries. She could tell he was a little drowsy but his mind seemed to be clear nonetheless.

"Again, you're telling me so much by not saying anything."

She was almost getting annoyed with this philosophical version of her old partner.

"Well, since you seem to know everything these days, why don't _you_ tell me what's between us!"

She had spoken fast and a little agitatedly, and wanted to apologize almost immediately. She couldn't treat Elliot like she had in the past. He wasn't himself. At least not the person she had known all those years. But she didn't apologize because he was smiling at her. And his smile could still turn her to mush in an instant.

"Was I as headstrong as you are?" he asked her, and she couldn't help but laugh at the question.

"And then some."

"That would explain a lot, I guess."

Olivia finally sat down in the chair again. She was feeling wobbly and thought it might be wise to try and get some sleep. She hadn't been hurt badly in the crash but her body was still somewhat in shock. And seeing Elliot again so unexpectedly wasn't helping either. The new and improved Elliot. If she could consider this kind, balanced and thoughtful version of her beloved hothead an improvement.

Elliot wiggled his toes again, watching the movement of his blanket attentively.

"Are you in pain?" she asked him.

"A little," he admitted. "But mostly, my left foot is going numb."

Olivia stood up and moved the blanket off his feet. His left leg was in a cast but his toes were sticking out. She touched them gingerly with her fingers and looked at Elliot for a reaction. He just shrugged. She touched his right foot then, and he nodded.

"I'll get the nurse," Olivia said, and she started walking off before Elliot could object.

She found the male nurse that had taken her to Elliot's room and asked him to come with her to check on Elliot's leg and foot. The nurse called the doctor in and Olivia waited by the window to hear what their conclusion was. She heard them talking about vascular damage and blood thinners and watched the nurse readjust Elliot's bed so he was almost flat on his back again. When the doctor left, she asked the nurse,

"Will he be alright?"

"I expect he will, miss. This isn't uncommon when a hip and leg have both been broken. He will need to rest now though, so ..."

"Oh, I see," she said quickly and she glanced at Elliot.

She moved closer to his face until he could see her and told him,

"I'm going to go now. You need to sleep."

He did look exhausted now, and she wondered if he'd put on a brave face while they had been talking.

"Come again tomorrow?" Elliot asked hopefully. "To finish our conversation?"

She wasn't sure she wanted to finish that particular conversation and her first instinct was to run. But the pleading look in his eyes struck her. He might pretend to be this wise, observant and friendly giant, but deep down, he was still desperately trying to find himself again. And he needed her to do that. Their connection hadn't been wiped out completely. And while that scared the shit out of her, she couldn't abandon him now. And so she nodded.

"I'll check in with you in the morning."

"Thank you."

"G'night El."

She turned around and started leaving the room when she heard him answer,

"G'night Liv."

...

 **Dun dun.**


	5. Discharged

**When a story is updated within 24 hours here at FF, it isn't bumped to the top of the list, so I decided to wait a little longer this time. Otherwise, I'd have to stay up later and later (European time) to update. Enjoy chapter 5 and do let me know what you like and don't like about this story!**

...

 **5\. Discharged**

 _G'night Liv._

Olivia broke down as soon as she was outside Elliot's room. His use of her nickname had hit her hard and she pressed a hand to her mouth. She rushed off to her own room before someone would see her cry. The woman in the other bed was snoring so Olivia crawled into bed, pulling the blanket over her head, and allowed herself to cry. All of her pain of the past four years was coming out, as well as the stress of the accident and the shock of seeing Elliot again so unexpectedly, only to find that he didn't remember her anymore. The fact that he remembered _something_ only made her cry harder. She hated Kathy for keeping her away and she grieved over the time they had lost because of it. He could have been there when Lewis took her. He would have found her, she was certain of it. He would have killed the bastard so he wouldn't have taken her again. She'd longed for him then, more than ever before. She had prayed that he would come for her. And he could have shared in her joy when she adopted Noah. He had always wanted that for her, and now he didn't even know her anymore. She wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all and cried until she had no tears left, finally falling into a deep, dreamless sleep.

...

Light was coming in through the windows already when Olivia woke up and she saw that the woman in the other bed was sitting up and eating breakfast. Olivia felt like she'd been hit over the head and had been unconscious for hours. She probably had been. As soon as she sat up, the memories of the night before came flooding back. She swallowed hard when the reality of it all sank in.

She wobbled to the bathroom to use the toilet, avoiding looking at herself in the mirror. She knew she'd look like hell after bawling her eyes out and then basically passing out, and she didn't need to see it. When she came back, a helpful young nurse asked her if she was ready for breakfast.

"Yes, thank you," she said softly, climbing back into bed.

After breakfast, a doctor came in to check her vitals, her eyes and her reflexes. Everything checked out and the doctor told her he would get her discharge papers ready after finishing his rounds. He did recommend taking a few days to get some rest before going back to work. Olivia wasn't sure she would be able to stay home, but she promised the doctor she'd try to rest.

"Oh, and the officers who were here yesterday to take your statement, would like another word with you," the doctor added. "You can use the office behind the nurses station."

"Okay. But I don't have any clothes yet."

Lucy was going to bring her fresh clothes when she brought Noah, but she wasn't going to be there for another hour.

"I'll have the nurse get you a robe," the doctor promised her, and after she had received the robe she went to talk to the officers.

They showed her the traffic cam footage and sure enough, she had ignored a red light. But she'd known that already. Seeing her car crash into Elliot's was horrific. It would have been horrific in any situation, but knowing she could very well have killed Elliot made it even more shocking to actually see the accident caught on camera.

"I'm so sorry. I've already apologized to the other driver," she told the officers, who nodded sympathetically.

"We've just spoken with him as well and have shown him the footage. But he's not pressing charges, Lieutenant," the older of the two men told her.

"We're all NYPD and we know there was no foul play," the younger one added. "Your insurance companies can deal with the damage to your cars and the hospital bills."

"I will pay for any expenses his insurance won't cover," Olivia told them. "I want to do the right thing here. I ... I was upset, but that doesn't mean I'm not responsible."

"Upset?" the older officer asked her.

"Yeah. I work at SVU and ... well, the case we're working kinda got to me."

The officer flipped through his notebook and then looked up at her.

"You're Olivia Benson."

"Yeah."

She wondered why that was suddenly interesting. They had written down her name last night.

"You were the one that was kidnapped by that uhm ..."

"Yes, I am," Olivia interrupted quickly, not needing to hear the name.

"And you _still_ work at SVU?"

There was surprise but also admiration in the man's voice. Maybe she was stupid to stay in the unit but she hadn't been able to leave. The victims still needed her and getting the perverts off the streets was still such a huge goal in her life. She got out of the conversation quickly and after saying goodbye to the officers, she made her way to Elliot's room.

...

She was actually a little nervous to see him again, but she was excited as well. After wondering for years what he was doing and why he had disappeared from her life, she could now just walk up to him and talk to him. It was weird that he didn't remember their time together on the job, but she had hope that some of his memory might come back. She knew she had triggered something in him, and she wanted to help him in any way she could.

"Hey," Elliot said happily when she came in.

He was pale and looked tired, but his eyes were clear.

"Hey. How are you feeling?"

"Like I was hit by a truck," Elliot said with a grin and Olivia rolled her eyes.

"It was a normal car Elliot. But still, I'm sorry."

Elliot tried to sit up a little straighter but winced, and Olivia rushed to his side quickly.

"You need an extra pillow?" she asked, putting her hand on his arm.

"No, it's fine," Elliot sighed, but she could tell he was in pain.

"Cracked ribs," he said by way of explanation while he sank back into the pillows that Olivia had fluffed up a little despite his objection.

"I'm sorry," Olivia said again.

Elliot put his hand over hers on his arm.

"Will you stop apologizing? I know you weren't trying to kill me. Shit happens."

"Okay."

"So," Elliot said, "where were we?"

Olivia cocked an eyebrow. He was going to push her about their non-relationship again?

"I'm being discharged," she told him, changing the subject quickly. "My nanny is bringing my son over and some clean clothes, and then I'm out of here."

...


	6. Fight

**Alright, I seem to have given the impression that Olivia was going to walk out on Elliot. That wasn't what she meant when she said "I'm out of here". She just meant that she was being discharged. I used the phrase completely innocently and it is how Elliot interprets it also. I know she runs a lot, but how could she, under these circumstances? She can't. Well, not yet anyway ... (Insert evil laugh.)**

...

 **6\. Fight**

Elliot stared at her for a few seconds, still covering her hand with his on his arm. She could feel his warmth and it warmed her as well. Still, part of her wanted to move away as well. They didn't touch each other like that. And the he asked her,

"You have a son?"

"Yes," she said, unable to suppress a wide smile, and Elliot returned her smile.

"That's great. How old?"

"He's two."

Elliot looked at her attentively again and she guessed what he must be thinking. How did an old spinster like herself end up with a two-year old?

"Are you married? Do you have more kids?"

Right. He didn't remember her.

"No. I've never been married and Noah is my only one. There's no daddy in the picture."

She wasn't going to dwell on the reason she had felt the need to add that little detail right away, and quickly continued,

"I keep forgetting that you don't remember me."

"I wish _I_ could do that," Elliot said, smiling, and she smiled back at him.

"Maybe I can help."

"I'm sure of it," Elliot said, and the conviction in his voice made her believe it too.

She pulled her hand away and pulled up a chair to sit down, knowing he would have more questions for her. She had expected him to bring up the conversation they still needed to finish, but he surprised her when he told her,

"I dreamed about you last night."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Weird, isn't it? It wasn't much of a dream. Just you and me, walking down the street with a cup of coffee in our hands. You know, those Styrofoam cups?"

She knew. It was such a familiar image that she ached to be there again.

"That really happened, didn't it?" he asked her.

Olivia just nodded. It had been her life.

"So I'm dreaming actual memories now? Interesting."

"Have you ever dreamed of me before?"

The question was out there before she could stop it. And somehow, she knew it was alright to ask. This was Elliot, after all.

"I don't think so," Elliot answered but she could see he was still thinking about it.

He was quiet for a few moments and Olivia was very curious what he was thinking. She decided to wait for him to speak again. He was a lot more talkative now than he'd ever been so she expected him to speak up again soon. He didn't disappoint.

"You wanna know how I lost my memory?"

 _God, yes!_

"Sure."

"It was my birthday. October 20, 2011. I turned 45 that day."

Elliot closed his eyes and frowned, as if he was straining to remember.

"We had this big bash in a restaurant with just about everyone we knew and everyone _they_ knew, and they say I drank way too much. I don't remember that but I suppose I had good reason to drink that much," he added sadly, looking at her once more.

"They say I retired from the NYPD after a dramatic incident. Maureen told me most of this, and Kathy wasn't very eager to fill in the blanks so ..."

He sighed and Olivia waited.

"I got into this huge fight with Kathy. Maureen wasn't sure what it was about and Kathy won't tell me. She used to say it's in the past so let's leave it there."

Olivia guessed that particular fight wasn't the only one Kathy had tried to leave in the past.

"So I was pretty drunk and stormed out of my own party, off to God knows where. I was hit over the head with a baseball bat by a homeless guy, and I was mugged. When I woke up in the hospital, I didn't have a clue as to who I was or what had happened to me. The only thing I remember clearly is, that I was desperate to go somewhere. Unfortunately, I don't remember where. They had to restrain me for a few hours before I would calm down enough to let them treat me and to see my family."

"I'm so sorry Elliot. I wish I had known ..."

"Me too, Olivia. You know, for weeks I had these restless dreams. I was still trying to get to wherever I was going. It was suffocating because I felt that I had a goal, but no one would tell me what it was or where it was."

"That must have been so frustrating," Olivia sighed, looking down at her lap and fiddling with the sash of her robe.

"I always felt like I was trying to find some _one_ rather than something," Elliot continued. "I'd chase unknown people in my dreams. Well, shadows really. But I just couldn't ever catch up with them."

Her own nightmares would often involve trying to get away from something or someone, but Olivia could imagine that trying to catch up with someone and failing could be just as unnerving. When she looked up she saw that Elliot was gazing at her intently, his blue eyes piercing her browns.

"Olivia, you must have known me pretty well. Do _you_ have any idea where I would have wanted to go that night?"

...

 **Dun dun.**

 **A/N Well, I think some of us may have an inkling ... And yes, I corrected Elliot's birthday after a reader pointed my mistake out to me. Thank you, iHATEamarorollins. (PS. Your pen name always startles me a bit because of the part in caps ... Glad to know you don't hate my stories!)**

 **I may update again within 24 hours after this because of my schedule tomorrow, so be sure to check for the next chapter on Monday, even when the story list doesn't show it. Or just follow the story so you'll be notified at once.**

 **Review, anyone? I'm no expert on amnesia obviously, I made this up completely. Is it still plausible?**


	7. Honest

**A little early as promised. More on Tuesday.**

...

 **7\. Honest**

While Elliot had been telling her about his dreams and his urge to find someone, Olivia had felt like someone was squeezing her throat shut. She had to make an effort to keep breathing. He was right. She knew where he used to go when he got into a fight with his wife or one of his kids, or when a case was bothering him, or when he just didn't want to go home.

He'd go to her ...

But at the time, they hadn't spoken in five months. He'd retired and hadn't answered any of her calls. She'd gone to his home several times, but each time Kathy would tell her that Elliot wasn't there, or he was sleeping, or he didn't want to talk to anyone from work. She was trying to wrap her brain around all the new information she would have to add to those phone calls and encounters with Kathy to interpret them correctly now.

At first, the woman would have wanted her to stay away because he was done with the job and needed to deal with all that had happened. She would have wanted to protect him. She could even imagine Elliot telling her he didn't want to talk to his partner. But Olivia knew there was more to it, and the fact that Kathy had kept all of them out of the loop after Elliot lost his memory, only confirmed that belief. She had wanted to keep _her_ away from her husband because she felt threatened by her. Even Elliot's mother had once told her, she scared the pants off of Kathy. Olivia had tried to brush it off like she always did, but she knew there was some truth to it. And she'd even believed at times that Kathy had reason to worry, even though she had been afraid to believe it.

Elliot was watching her and she realized that he was still waiting for an answer. She would have to make a decision. Was she going to be completely honest with him, or keep dancing around the truth like they had always done? If there was any chance that his memory might come back, it would have to be the whole truth and nothing but the truth, she decided.

"To me."

She'd spoken softly, almost whispering and didn't meet his eyes.

"What?" Elliot asked, and she could feel his eyes on her.

"You would have come to me."

Her chin was trembling and she scrubbed her hands down her face to regain some sense of control over herself. If he'd really planned to go to her that night, it meant so much that she could hardly process it. After five long months, he would have stood on her doorstep. Shivers ran up her spine and she wrapped her arms around herself.

"That's what I thought," Elliot said pensively and her eyes flicked back up to his.

"Really?"

She hated how insecure she sounded. Elliot nodded slowly and then rested his head against the mattress behind him, still looking at her.

"I can see how much I affect you, Olivia. Even if we weren't lovers, and I guess I'll have to take your word for it, we were more than just partners. Why else would you be so shaken up? And why else would you be the only one I seem to remember on some level? When I think about it, that fight with Kathy was probably about you. Which would explain why she wouldn't tell me about it."

His words pierced her like stabs of a knife. He was being brutally honest with no filter at all, and it was almost too much to handle. And at the same time, it was liberating. They were bringing things out in the open that they had tried to hide for years. Maybe now was the time. He didn't remember the strained boundaries that they had maintained between them and wasn't limited by them anymore. So why should she still be limited by them?

"Olivia?"

She looked at him and saw concern in his eyes. Could he be wondering if he'd gone too far? Been too honest? Was he still that attuned to her?

"I ... what do you want me to say?" she stammered, still trying to grasp what was happening.

"So you think you were the one I've been looking for all these years?"

She wasn't going to answer that question. It wasn't for her to answer. She took a deep breath, trying to keep herself from shaking and asked him,

"Do _you_ think I'm the one you were looking for?"

Before Elliot could answer her, there was a soft knock on the door just before it opened.

"Look who's here," she heard Lucy's voice say softly, and then she heard the one voice that could light up the deepest darkness in her life.

"Mommy!"

She stood up quickly and turned around, bending slightly with her arms wide open when Lucy let go of Noah, who ran towards her immediately. Olivia scooped him up in her arms and held him close to her, pressing her cheek against his.

"Mommy missed you so much Noah. I'm so happy to see you," she sighed in her baby's neck, and it warmed her from the inside out to feel him hug her tightly too.

Lucy approached her cautiously and put a hand on her shoulder.

"How are you doing?" the nanny asked.

"I'm okay Lucy, just a few bruises, really."

She'd forgotten about her sprained wrist and ignored the pain while she held her son close.

"Unlike my victim," Olivia added, turning around to face Elliot again. "Lucy, I'd like you to meet Elliot. I ran him off the road last night."

Lucy looked at him a little shocked and Elliot waved at her, smiling reassuringly.

"I'll live. Hi Lucy."

"Hi."

"Hi there," Elliot said, looking at the boy in Olivia's arms, and she stepped closer to him so Noah could see Elliot and vice versa.

"Hey Noah, can you say hi to mommy's friend?" she asked her son gently.

Noah looked at the man in the hospital bed and surprised all of them when he pointed at Elliot and said triumphantly,

"Picture!"

...

 **A/N That's enough for today ... What could Noah mean? You have one guess.**


	8. Noah

**Do make sure you've read chapter 7 before you read this. I updated early Monday morning so you may have missed it. Don't know how Noah got here? Then you missed chapter 7 :) Click back and read it before reading this!**

...

 **8\. Noah**

"Picture?"

Elliot's eyes moved from the child to Olivia and back. Olivia felt her cheeks get warm. She knew what Noah meant. They'd discussed the picture on her nightstand together many times. It was a picture of her and Elliot, standing close together at some party and smiling into the camera, his arm around her shoulders. She'd put it there after she and Brian had broken up and he had moved out. It had made her feel less alone at times, and more alone other times.

Meanwhile, Noah's head was bobbing excitedly.

"Mommy and Ewwie in the picture."

One corner of Elliot's mouth tugged up.

"And where is this picture, little man?"

"Mommies bedwoom."

 _Oh God._

Elliot's smile widened, and Lucy seemed to catch on at last. She moved next to Olivia and reached for Noah, but Noah seemed to have other plans.

"Noah sit on the bed?" he asked Olivia, putting his little hands on her cheeks and moving his face so close to hers that he was just a blur.

She looked at Elliot, who was still grinning contently and was now patting the space on the bed next to him.

"Sure, you can sit here. What's your name?"

"I'm Noah!" Noah said immediately, wriggling to get out of his mother's arms and onto the bed. "You Ewwie. No. Ewwie _Ot_."

Olivia couldn't help chuckling when her little boy corrected himself, like she had corrected him so often. Her initial embarrassment subsided when she saw that Elliot was now totally focusing on Noah.

"That's a silly name, right?" Elliot said to Noah with a grin. "Ellie Ot. I think Noah is a much nicer name."

Noah nodded again and Olivia stood close to him to make sure he wouldn't fall off the bed.

"We've got this, mommy," Elliot told her, and when he winked at her she felt her stomach flutter.

Elliot put his arm around Noah, who scooted closer to him instinctively. She'd never seen her son take to a stranger so quickly. But to Noah, this must not be a stranger. He was the man in the picture on her nightstand, so he was their friend. The world of a child was enviably simple.

Lucy tapped her arm and she looked at the nanny, who must be wondering what was going on.

"You hit the car of someone you know?" she asked her softly, not wanting to interrupt the intellectual conversation that Noah was now having with Elliot.

Olivia walked a few steps away from the bed with the young woman and answered her softly.

"Yes. Can you believe that? He's my old partner. I haven't seen him in years."

"Well, this is an interesting reunion then."

"Yeah. And it gets more interesting. He's had amnesia for four years and doesn't remember me at all."

The 'at all' part might not be entirely true, but Lucy didn't need to know that yet. It was all still much too fresh for Olivia herself.

"Oh my. So how does he feel about you putting him in the hospital?"

Olivia blew out a breath and looked over her shoulder at the man and the boy in the hospital bed.

"He's surprisingly okay with it. He knows I didn't mean to put him here and he's been questioning me about the past. He really wants to remember."

"So you're going to help him with that."

It wasn't a question and Olivia nodded.

"How can I not? He doesn't remember the past but he seems to remember little things every now and then."

"A good bump on the head can do that," Lucy said dryly, and Olivia had to suppress a smile.

Lucy looked at the two people in the bed as well and smiled.

"Noah seems to be in love with him already."

Lucy's choice of words startled Olivia a little and she bit her lip. But she had to admit, it did look like love at first sight between Elliot and her son. They were goofing off together and she could tell that Elliot tried not to show that he was in pain. She decided to intervene to make sure Noah wouldn't bump into his cracked ribs or his sore hip, and approached the bed.

"Noah? Elliot has an ouch so you have to be careful with him, okay?"

Noah turned to Elliot, completely unfazed, and started telling him about the ouch he'd gotten in day care the day before. Olivia glanced at Lucy.

"Just a chafed knee, it's fine," Lucy told her softly but Elliot pretended to be in awe of Noah, because he was being so brave.

"Ewwie Ot show Noah the ouch?"

Olivia wondered how Elliot would solve this without shocking her little boy too much, but his fatherly instincts definitely had not been wiped out by his amnesia. Elliot beckoned Noah to come closer and once the boy was leaning against his side, the back of his head resting sideways against Elliot's broad chest, they peeked under the covers together. Olivia assumed that Elliot had been bandaged up and Noah would recognize bandages as something that covered an ouch.

"Hurts," Noah stated after taking in the bandages around Elliot's ribs.

"Yes, it hurts," Elliot said. "But the doctor is going to fix me and then it won't hurt anymore."

Noah nodded. Unfortunately, he knew about hospitals and doctors already. And just like that, he turned away from Elliot and reached for his mother.

"Noah off the bed?" he asked her.

Olivia lifted him off the bed and as soon as his feet hit the ground, he started looking around the room for something to play with. Lucy dashed after him and asked Olivia if she needed some more time 'here'. She glanced at Elliot, who pretended not to be listening to them. Olivia hesitated. She was anxious to get home with her son, but she didn't want to leave Elliot behind without at least talking about meeting up again. Their earlier conversation had ended abruptly when Lucy and Noah came in, but they would need to finish it soon.

She walked up to him and decided that this honesty thing might actually be a good idea. She was going to say something when Elliot beat her to the punch.

"Will I see you again?"

She could tell that he already knew her answer, but there was a small hint of insecurity in his eyes too. Could he be remembering how complicated they had been together in the past? She didn't want complicated anymore. She just wanted him back in her life. So she decided not to run for cover this time around.

"I would like to keep in touch Elliot. If I can help in any way to jog your memory, I want to do that. It's the least I can do after almost killing you."

Elliot nodded and she could see a twinge of relief in his eyes, and a lot of amusement.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm glad you bumped in to me."

That put a smile on her face and it didn't surprise her anymore when Elliot reached for her hand and squeezed it gently. She could get used to that.

"I don't think I'll be going anywhere soon, so you know where to find me."

Olivia nodded.

"Okay."

"Okay."

"So ..."

"Go home to be with your son, Olivia. I'll see you soon?"

"Yeah. See you soon El."

...

 **A/N No evil cliffhanger this time. More soon. Review?**


	9. Fin

**9\. Fin**

Olivia was still in a daze when they got home. She was glad to be in normal clothes again and in their own apartment. She was tired though. Exhausted, and not only physically. When Lucy offered to get them some groceries before she'd leave, Olivia accepted the offer gladly. Lucy reminded her that she'd been in an accident less than 24 hours earlier, and should take it easy. When she asked her if there was anyone who could drop by to check in on her, Olivia decided to call Fin. He was the only member of her squad who had known Elliot, and she really needed to talk about it with someone.

She had just tucked Noah in for the night when Fin arrived. He was curious why she'd asked him to come over, and looked at her with worry when she suggested he sit down first.

"You want a beer?" she asked him, walking into the kitchen to get them both a bottle.

"Sure. But what gives, Liv? What's this about?"

She walked back into the living room and handed Fin his beer before sitting down next to him on the couch with a sigh.

"The accident I caused last night?"

"Yeah? You wanna tell me what happened there? Why'd you run that light?"

"I don't know why I didn't see it Fin. I just ... this case ..."

Fin nodded.

"I get it. Too many similarities. You havin' any nightmares?"

She nodded slowly. The nightmares never really went away.

"And flashbacks. I had one in the car when it happened."

"That sucks Liv. You shouldn't be drivin' when that happens."

Olivia scoffed.

"I just wanted to get home. I thought I was fine until ... until I wasn't."

"So how's the other guy doin'? Dodds tells me you two met at the hospital?" Fin asked her.

Olivia took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. Then she took a long draw from her bottle and leaned her elbows on her knees before before looking at Fin sideways.

"That's what I wanted to tell you. We know him."

"We do?"

She nodded.

"It's Elliot."

"Come again?"

"I almost killed Elliot last night."

Fin jumped up at stood in front of her, so she had to sit up to look up at him.

"Maybe he had it comin'," he huffed. "Karma's a beautiful thing ya know."

"He's got amnesia," Olivia said flatly, looking Fin straight in the eyes. "He doesn't remember any of us."

Fin's shoulders sagged and part of the fight left him.

"The crash cause that?" he asked her, his tone much gentler than before.

Olivia shook her head.

"No. He lost his memory over four years ago."

She watched the implications of what she'd just told her friend sink in. Fin's face never showed too much emotion, but she could see it nonetheless. He was running out of reasons to be angry with Elliot fast.

"Four years Liv? For real?"

"I've spoken with him. He's a different person. He honestly doesn't remember."

Fin sat back down next to her and sighed, shaking his head.

"You'd know if it was an act," he stated and Olivia could only agree.

Fin knew that Elliot could never fool _her_. Not her.

"So now what? You gonna see him again?"

"I have to, Fin. He seems to remember small bits and pieces and he says it has to do with me."

"Wouldn't surprise me one bit," Fin said dryly. "You two were joined at the hip for so long. I can't believe he'd ever forget you completely."

"His wife kept us all away intentionally."

She knew she had sounded bitter. She was.

"Now why'd she do that? You'd think they'd try everything to get him to remember!"

Olivia couldn't agree more.

"Elliot says she wanted a fresh start and she told him he'd be better off not remembering the job."

Fin shook his head and drank his beer, emptying the bottle. Then he looked at her and said,

"That woman is nuts. She just din want you near her man anymore."

Olivia couldn't help chuckling at Fin's very accurate assessment of the situation.

"So what's he been up to these past four years?" Fin asked.

"Not much. He's retired and he says he's been 'observing' mostly. Watching other people while trying to find himself. He's pretty relaxed about it, but I can tell that deep down, he still wants his memory back desperately."

"He still married?"

"No."

"Good."

Olivia chuckled again. Fin wasn't one to mince words and she needed that right now to make sense of the jumbled mess in her head.

"Liv, you want some company tonight? Ya know, to keep the bad dreams away?"

She appreciated the offer and pulled her friend into a spontaneous hug. Fin smiled shyly but she knew they were on the same page. Olivia knew her emotions were very close to the surface. She wouldn't let Fin see her cry but just knowing she wasn't alone would definitely help her relax. So Fin slept on her couch that night, keeping watch over her little family.

...

Fin would tell the squad that she wasn't coming in yet, and after dropping Noah off at day care, Olivia would go back to the hospital. She had taken a long shower, had put on a little makeup and had brushed her hair until it was smooth and shiny, and then she had to put some water on it again because it had become all static. It was early December and the frost in the air made her hair electric. But she wanted to look nice and caught herself dreaming away a bit in front of her bathroom mirror. Elliot was actually back in her life and she hadn't even yelled at him yet.

Remembering his confronting words about their relationship made her tremble inside. He could tell that he was affecting her, and he knew they had been more to each other than just partners. To hear him acknowledge that, even without really remembering it, had a more profound effect on her than she'd expected. She had always _assumed_ it was the same for him as it was for her, but they had never talked about it. Never said anything out loud. Until now.

Kathy had had her chance. For the first time in her life, Olivia didn't feel guilty about her feelings for the woman's husband. Ex-husband. They had had their fresh start and it hadn't worked. It was over for good this time. Even Fin had encouraged her not to let him get away again. Not now.

Fin, of all people.

Olivia smiled at herself in the mirror and then walked into the living room to get Noah to take him to day care. And after that, she was going to visit Elliot again. She felt a little giddy. She was going to get her best friend back. And possibly, he would be more to her than her best friend. After all this time, he was still the center of her world. And they actually had a chance to start over. She'd be a fool not to take it.

...


	10. Dream

**Looks like reviews aren't showing for the moment, but please don't let that stop you. It will be fixed soon I'm sure. Meanwhile, I receive them in my mailbox and I always love to hear from you!**

...

 **10\. Dream**

Her heart was thumping when she approached his room again. She couldn't help wondering if he was now remembering more than the day before. He'd already dreamed about their past his first night after the accident. She blew out a breath slowly and shook her hands before grabbing the door handle and pushing the door open.

Elliot was just getting into bed again with the help of another man. She wondered if it wasn't too soon for him to be up and about, but the other man seemed to know what he was doing. When Elliot spotted her, his eyes lit up. She could tell that he was in considerable pain while he tried to hoist his body back into place and readjust his IV, but he smiled at her nonetheless.

Olivia waited by the door until Elliot was settled in. She'd seen the cast around his left leg, that ran from his foot all the way up to his thigh. He was now wearing a hospital gown with an open back, that only just covered all the necessary parts. He wasn't wearing anything underneath. She knew he wouldn't like being so exposed and helpless, but he seemed to be okay with the man fiddling with his legs, his gown and his blanket. She was glad he had his own room. It was small but private.

"This is my physical therapist," Elliot told her, and the man turned around to see who he was talking to.

Olivia took it as her cue to come closer.

"I didn't think he would be allowed out of bed so soon," she told the man. "I'm Olivia Benson. I uhm ... kinda caused this," she added, gesturing at Elliot.

"Greg Daniels. Please call me Greg," the man said, extending his hand to her. "You did a real number on him, Ms. Benson."

Elliot smirked and Olivia decided that Greg was alright. He would know how to handle Elliot. She shook his hand and told the man,

"I didn't mean to."

Greg smiled at her.

"That goes without saying, Ms. Benson. Now, about Mr. Stabler getting out of bed so soon. We want to prevent stiffness of his hip. I know the broken leg complicates matters, but it's important that he continues to move, to keep the blood pumping so to speak, even if it's just a few minutes every now and then. It will help him heal faster. We just did a few simple exercises in the chair."

Greg nodded at the armchair that had been placed in Elliot's room to the left of his bed. He turned back to Elliot then and gave him a few instructions about food and movements that were and weren't allowed for now. He'd be back in the afternoon and after making sure that Elliot had understood his instructions, he left the room. Elliot rolled his eyes and Olivia cocked an eyebrow.

"I like him already," she said playfully and Elliot smirked.

"Great. Now it's two against one."

"I'm not against you, Elliot," Olivia said, standing next to his bed.

"I know," he replied softly, and his voice made her body tingle in several places.

He was so completely Elliot right now, that she almost forgot he didn't really know her anymore. Almost.

"You look really beautiful," Elliot blurted out.

It was a very clear reminder that he truly wasn't himself. No filter. Olivia decided that she kind of liked this filter-less Elliot. Maybe she could take pointers from him. If there was ever a chance of building something new with him from scratch, this was it.

"Thank you," she said, smiling.

In the past, she would have deflected the compliment or made a joke about it, but this wasn't the past. This was the present. And she tried to relax into it.

Elliot looked really tired after being on his feet - or foot - and she asked him if he wanted to rest.

"No. Not while you're here," he told her, reaching for her hand.

She let him hold her hand and reminded herself once more that this wasn't the past.

"I'm not going anywhere El," she told him reassuringly. "I can just sit here while you rest, and we can talk later. You've got a really comfortable chair here now."

Elliot gave her a lopsided smile and she wanted to hug him. The way he was looking at her despite being in pain and feeling tired, made all her feelings for him resurface full force. She decided it was too soon for a hug, and just squeezed his hand.

"I have a few magazines here," Elliot said, gesturing at his nightstand.

Olivia knew he was basically admitting that he did need to rest. She took off her coat and tossed it on the foot of the bed, and took the two magazines. Sports magazines, of course. She sat down in the chair and thought it was really comfortable indeed.

"There's a coffee machine in the corridor," Elliot said, stifling a yawn.

"I'll be fine, trust me," she said, smiling at him.

His bed had been lowered so she could just catch his eyes while sitting in the chair to his left. Her heart skipped a beat when he said softly,

"I do."

...

Elliot had fallen asleep and Olivia had gotten herself a cup of coffee twice. She had read the magazines from start to finish and made a mental note to bring a book next time. The doctors and nurses seemed to accept that she was here to stay, and didn't comment that she wasn't sticking to visiting hours. Maybe they knew she had to take it easy too after the accident, and just let her be. Nobody else came to visit and Olivia wondered if Elliot's kids even knew he was in the hospital. Someone should call them. She didn't exactly feel inclined to do it herself. It was up to Elliot.

Around 10.30 am she heard Elliot groan a little, and stood up to check on him. His eyes were still closed but he seemed a little agitated. He wasn't hooked up to any monitors anymore but she guessed his heart rate was a bit high. Was he chasing shadows again in his dreams? She wasn't sure if she should wake him or not. She put a hand on his heaving chest tentatively. He was warm. Too warm, maybe? Elliot groaned again and sighed,

"No ... No ..."

She leaned a little closer to him and put a hand on his forehead. He was very warm.

"Elliot," she whispered, hoping to wake him without startling him.

He was still very agitated and Olivia shook his shoulders gently.

"El, wake up. It's just a dream."

She put a cool hand on his forehead again and almost jumped when his eyes popped open and he stared up at her, completely panicked.

"Olivia!" he gasped, but she wasn't sure if he was really seeing her yet.

"Ssshhh," she said, stroking his forehead gently.

"Olivia," Elliot said urgently again, "Somebody cut your throat. I thought I'd lost you!"

...

 **Dun dun.**

 **A/N Sounds familiar? What was Elliot dreaming?**


	11. Relief

**Hi again! Not sure how long I can keep up the daily updates, but for now, here's number 11!**

...

 **11\. Relief**

Olivia froze, still staring into Elliot's eyes. His panic was slowly subsiding but she was still shocked. What had he dreamed about exactly? She needed to know if another memory had resurfaced, so she should let him tell her the details and not ask him any leading questions.

"Olivia," he said again, grabbing her wrist.

"I'm here," she choked out. "It was a dream."

"It was so real."

"You want to tell me about it? Do you remember where you were?"

"No."

He'd whispered, and Olivia moved her hand from his forehead to his right cheek slowly. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch, releasing his grip on her wrist but not letting go completely. Olivia swallowed hard. She knew Elliot was upset but it was still a very intimate moment. So different from what they used to be. But in a way, it was such a natural continuance of what they used to be towards what they were becoming. Whatever that was.

"Can you describe what you saw?"

Elliot opened his eyes and put his right hand over her left hand on his cheek.

"It started just like it usually does. There were lots of people and I was running. I dream that a lot, you know," he added sadly. He took a deep breath and continued. " I was yelling at them to get out of the way. I was chasing someone. I knew it was dangerous. It was important, like I was on a mission. I ran down some stairs, pushing people aside."

Elliot stopped talking, slightly out of breath, and reached up to her face with his right hand. Olivia willed herself not to move away, and dropped her hand from his cheek to his shoulder. She knew what he was looking for and she closed her eyes briefly when he moved her hair aside to look at her neck. His eyes flicked back to hers and his voice trembled when he continued,

"A girl screamed and I saw a man with a knife ... he swung at you ... at _you_ ," he repeated, as if he was only just realizing that it had really been her. "And you went down."

He moved his hand to her neck and touched her skin gingerly. Olivia was still staying still consciously and held her breath while he traced the thin, faint white line that still adorned her neck from where Gitano had cut her all those years ago.

"I panicked. I ran over to you, calling your name and then I woke up and you were here."

Elliot let out a shaky breath.

"I've never dreamed that last part before and I ... I'm not sure if I really want to know that actually happened."

 _The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth_ , Olivia told herself. It hadn't exactly been their finest hour but he needed to know it wasn't just a dream. It was an actual memory.

"It did."

Elliot closed his eyes and moved his right hand over her hand again, pulling it up to his face. He kissed the inside of her hand.

"Thank God you survived," he said softly, his voice thick with emotion. "I ... all I could think in that moment was, that I couldn't lose you."

Olivia felt like she was going to explode. She was breathing faster than she should. A real memory had come back to him, and one of their most shocking moments at that. They had both chosen each other over the job during that case. It had changed them forever. And he had just kissed her hand. And she didn't ever want him to let go of it. It was as if Elliot sensed what she was thinking.

"Liv," he said, his voice raspy. "Can I call you Liv?"

She wanted to cry and whispered,

"Please."

"That feeling I had in my dream ... that really happened, too. I just know it. I couldn't lose you. I can't lose you. I do believe you're the one I've been looking for all this time."

Olivia bit her lip and tried to suppress a sob. She managed only partially, and pulled her hand away abruptly, standing up straight and covering her face with her hands. She had to keep breathing but it was just too much.

"Hey," Elliot said softly.

His voice wasn't so shaky anymore. She peeked through her fingers and saw his bright blue eyes looking at her. There was a tenderness in them that she'd seen before, but usually when he'd been talking to children.

"It wasn't a very nice memory to begin with, but I feel so relieved. I can finally stop running."

She moved her hands away from her face and took him in while trying to control her breathing. He did look relieved. His eyes weren't empty anymore. She didn't dare acknowledge what she was seeing in them now. Not yet. It was too much too fast.

"I don't know what to say," she managed to mumble.

Elliot reached for her hand and she let hers slip into his at once.

"Tell me you'll be here. That I won't lose you again."

She'd tried so hard to be able to go on without him. She'd tried to build a life for herself and had tried to accept that Elliot just didn't want her in his life anymore. And here he was, with just one partial memory of their bumpy past, asking her to stay with him. Telling her he needed her to be a part of his life. Telling her she was the one he'd been looking for all this time.

Olivia felt faint and if Elliot hadn't tugged at her hand, making her lean against the bed, she might have lost her balance.

"Please sit. I can't catch you yet."

The simplest words made her heart leap and her gut twist. I can't catch you _yet_. Meaning, I will want to catch you when I'm able.

"El," she sighed while sitting on the edge of the bed and turning her upper body to face him.

"I like that you call me that," he told her, his smile melting her heart.

She smiled and rubbed his hand, that was next to her on the mattress. She had missed him so and it felt new but right to be able to touch him now, without feeling like she was overstepping some invisible boundary. She was at a loss for words, but the silence between them wasn't uncomfortable. They both needed some time to digest what had just happened. Elliot was a long way away from remembering his life, but realizing that he had found the person he'd been looking for all those years, had created a huge shift between them. She felt connected to him again and she wanted to cry from relief.

It was Elliot who broke the quiet silence between them after a while.

"Please tell me more about our life together."

Olivia looked up at him and gave him a half smile.

"You make it sound like we were a couple."

He never broke eye contact when he answered,

"I think we were, in a way."

Olivia nodded. She knew he was right. They'd been a couple in their own way. They just hadn't ever called it that or addressed it.

"Is that dream still all you remember?"

She had hoped there would be more by now, but Elliot nodded.

"Yeah. That and what I can sense between us. I knew I knew you. The dream just confirms it, big time."

"Do you want me to tell you more about the case we were working when I got this scar?" Olivia asked, indicating the scar on her neck. Perhaps building on the memory he had already regained might trigger more, she reasoned.

"Yes, please. Tell me all you remember."

...

...

 **A/N Hmm. Are you sure you want him to remember _this_ case, Olivia? Faithful readers, please let me know if this still works. Whether reviews are showing or not, I love getting them!**


	12. Fever

**Hi guys, thank you so much again for all your reviews. Every single one of them lights up my day. After today, I may be switching to updating every two days in stead of daily. It seems like a new idea writes itself for a while, and after that, it becomes more difficult as the emotions start to run deeper. I'm still loving this myself and I know where I'm going with it, so I'll try to keep updating fast!**

...

 **12\. Fever**

"Why would they let someone like that ever get out of prison again?"

Anger had flared up in his eyes after she'd told him who the man with the knife had been, and for once, Olivia couldn't be happier about it. He _would_ have been angry when confronted with a pervert like Gitano. He _had_ been.

"He had been locked up for eighteen years," Olivia told him but Elliot shook his head.

"Not long enough. After doing that to a child? _Life_ isn't long enough."

"They tried to have him committed after he'd served his sentence but he didn't fit the 'criteria'," Olivia explained, making air quotes when she said 'criteria'.

Elliot scoffed.

"Does he now?"

"He's dead."

"Good."

Olivia was still sitting on the egde of the bed and Elliot had put his hand on her knee. She put her hand over his and rubbed his hand, and she could tell it helped him relax slightly. He still felt very warm though, and she felt his forehead again.

"You're burning up, El," she said softly. "I think I should get the nurse in here."

She started to stand up but Elliot grabbed her hand again.

"You will tell me more about that case, right?"

She smiled reassuringly.

"Of course."

But after it was confirmed that Elliot was running a fever, he was subjected to a bunch of tests, and Olivia was asked to leave for a while. She hated not knowing what was going on in Elliot's room and had to admit she had easily slipped back into partner-mode, as if those four years apart had been wiped out completely. Sitting alone in the hospital cafeteria with a cup of tea did give her a little time to come to terms with what had happened earlier. Elliot had dreamed about the case that had almost broken them. And he'd dreamed the first part many times before. He'd been looking for her all along, while she had thought he didn't want her in his life anymore.

Her anger at Kathy flared up again and she considered calling the woman. But she wouldn't. Not without checking it with Elliot first. She decided to call Donald Cragen instead. He'd want to know what had happened to Elliot. She knew he and Eileen were in the city at the moment, and hoped that they could come to visit Elliot before they'd be off again, to some tropical destination or other.

Her old Captain was baffled. He almost tripped over his words and shared her indignation that they had never been appraised of Elliot's condition.

"We should almost be grateful you rammed your car into his," Cragen huffed, making Olivia chuckle despite the bitterness in his words.

"That's what Elliot says too."

"So he's remembering now?"

"No, just very tiny bits for now. Maybe seeing you will help."

"I'll be there this afternoon."

Olivia blew out a breath slowly after ending the call with her old Captain. The detective in her had re-awoken and she needed more manpower to crack the case of the missing memory. The next person she called was John Munch. John was in Chicago but promised to take an early flight back the next day. And finally, she called George Huang, who was shocked to learn about Elliot's amnesia, and promised to visit soon.

After finishing all her calls, Olivia wandered back to Elliot's room, hoping that the doctors would be done by now. One of the nurses just came out of the room when she walked up, and Olivia asked the young woman if they knew what was causing the fever yet.

"There seems to be an infected wound, but I'll let the doctor fill you in," the woman answered, gesturing at the door of Elliot's room.

Olivia took it as permission to go inside, and slipped into the room quietly. Another nurse was adjusting Elliot's IV and the doctor was writing something on his chart. Elliot was watching the nurse add something to his IV and seemed to accept that he needed extra medication. When he noticed her standing back, their eyes locked. He was pleading with her wordlessly to stay. She hadn't planned on leaving any time soon and she just smiled at him.

"Doctor? What are you giving him?" she asked once the doctor put Elliot's chart back in its holder.

"Some antibiotics to help his body fight the slight infection he has in the area of his hip we operated. We've removed the dressing and will monitor the wound closely. It's under control for now, miss ..."

The doctor looked at her questioningly and Olivia said quickly,

"Lieutenant Benson from the NYPD. Mr. Stabler is a former employee."

She avoided looking at Elliot for the moment and the doctor bought her excuse to be there. After he and the nurse had left, Olivia walked up to Elliot to feel his forehead again.

"Lieutenant Benson huh?" Elliot said, a sparkle of amusement in his eyes. "What happened to 'I'm the one who caused this'?"

She smiled and sat down on the edge of the bed again, taking his hand in her hands. It was becoming easier and more natural to touch him, and she refused to overthink what that meant right now. She could do that at home, alone. Not here with him, and not now. She needed to talk to him now.

"Elliot, don't you think you should call your kids to let them know you're in the hospital?"

Elliot frowned and she wondered if he had any contact with his older kids these days. She could see him thinking deeply about her question, and finally he told her,

"I think I'd like to talk to Kathleen."

Olivia nodded. Kathleen had always been close to his heart. To hers too, for that matter.

"Do you have her number?"

Elliot looked at his nightstand.

"You know, I'm not even sure I still have my phone."

Olivia stood up and walked around the bed to look in the drawer of his nightstand, and sure enough, there was a cellphone inside.

"This yours?" she asked, holding up the device.

"Yeah."

"You wanna call her right away?"

He nodded and she handed him the phone.

"You want me to wait outside?" she asked modestly, but Elliot looked at her with astonishment written all over his face.

"Now why would I want _that_?" he asked her. "I want you with me every step of the way."

He focused his attention on his phone and finding his second daughter's number in his contacts, and it gave Olivia a minute to process what he'd just said. He wanted her with him every step of the way. Filter-less indeed. Her heart rate had gone up a little and she walked over to the window to distract herself and take a few deep breaths. When she looked at the feverish man in the hospital bed again, she could see that he was nervous about calling his child. He really did need her to help him through. And she would. She'd do anything for him. Just like she always had.

...

 **Please review!**


	13. Us

**13\. Us**

Kathleen was coming to visit Elliot that evening. Olivia had tried not to listen to Elliot's side of the brief conversation between father and daughter, but she had understood that Kathleen was working, and would come over right after dinner. She'd offered to inform her brothers and sisters but Elliot had told her not to for now. Olivia walked back up to the bed after he'd ended the call. Elliot was still looking down at his phone and she wondered what he was thinking. When he looked up at her, she could see sadness in his eyes.

"She tells me we had an intense relationship. I wish I could remember that. She's a wonderful person."

"She is," Olivia agreed. "And I'm sure she's taking your memory loss in stride."

Elliot smiled and nodded.

"I can tell that the others are still a little apprehensive around me - aside from Eli of course - but Kathleen is just ... Kathleen."

Elliot patted on the bed and Olivia sat down on it again.

"I'm sorry I won't be here when she comes to visit. I have to go get Noah around four."

"Oh. Okay," Elliot said but she knew he was a little disappointed. He was almost clinging to her like she was his only life line.

"But I did ask a few other people to come see you."

Elliot was surprised but interested, and it hit her again how the tension that had always hung between them was no longer there. She would have expected him to be annoyed that she had informed people without checking it with him first, but he wasn't. He was just curious.

"Who?"

"Our old Captain is coming over this afternoon and another former co-worker is flying in to see you tomorrow."

"You think people from work will be more likely to jog my memory than my own family?"

His tone wasn't accusatory at all but her reflex was still to defend herself.

"Well ... so far, they haven't helped you remember, and I have, so I thought ... I mean ..."

"Liv, it's okay," Elliot said, interrupting her and reaching for her hand to squeeze it. "It was just a question. And I hope you're right."

Olivia looked down at their hands, that were intertwined on her thigh once again, and nodded. It would take some time to get used to this new dynamic between them. They had always been in sync on the job but not always this harmonious as people, both having such a strong personality.

"Were you expecting an argument from me?" Elliot asked her.

She raised her eyes to meet his and shrugged lightly.

"Maybe."

"I'm guessing we used to argue a lot," Elliot said, and she could see amusement in his eyes, again.

"Yeah. But it worked, in a way. We always got results in the end."

"You mean on the job."

"Yes. Of course."

What else would she mean?

"And for us?" Elliot asked, gesturing between them with the hand that wasn't holding hers. "Did it work for us?"

Olivia stared at him for a few seconds, her eyebrows raised. What should she say to that?

"There was no _us_ outside the job," she settled on.

Elliot laughed out loud, startling her a bit.

"Right. Who are you trying to kid here?"

She closed her eyes briefly and told herself to keep breathing. He was doing it again. Pushing her about their relationship. Who was she trying to kid? Everyone, including herself. And him. That's who she'd been trying to kid. Telling herself he was off-limits because he was married, and hiding away her feelings for him in a little box inside her heart. Telling herself that him being her partner and her friend would be enough for her, until he wasn't even those things anymore. But while he was her partner, they had both kept their personal stuff to themselves mostly. They hadn't talked about their feelings or other things that were too close to their hearts. They'd tried to remain professional at all times, so they could stay partners.

And then Gitano had forced their feelings for each other out in the open and it had shaken both of them, almost costing them their friendship as well as their partnership. Why did that case have to be his first memory anyway?

"Liv?"

"Yeah."

She'd responded without thinking and looked at him. He was watching her and was still waiting for an answer.

"I ... there was something between us, but like I told you before, you were married and committed to your family so ... we just ... ignored it I guess."

Elliot thought about her words for a few moments, putting his other hand over hers as well. He rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb and asked her,

"What would you say if I told you I can't ignore it?"

Olivia's heart rate had doubled once again and she knew she had no choice but to tell him the truth. Him not remembering wat had been and just ascertaining what was, was completely disarming. She admitted with a shaky voice,

"I would say that that scares the shit out of me."

Elliot laughed again.

"I can see that, and I'm glad you're being so honest with me."

He continued rubbing her hand with his thumb and waited until she made eye contact with him again before he continued.

"I'll admit that this is pretty scary for me too. But for the first time since waking up without any memories, I feel like I'm finding some solid ground again and ... well, I'm kind of latching on to it. I really don't mean to push you but ... how did we _ever_ manage to ignore this thing between us if I can just see it from a mile away without remembering it?"

Olivia chuckled despite getting increasingly nervous.

"We didn't want to break up our partnership," she said as quietly as she could manage.

"And did that work?"

She sighed.

"We thought so until ... until that very case happened that you dreamed about this morning."

"What happened?"

"We fucked up."

Elliot raised his eyebrows at her choice of words.

"Sorry, but there is no other way to put it."

Olivia swallowed hard. She had never said any of this out loud. She knew Elliot had talked to Huang after Ryan's death, but she hadn't. Nobody knew what had happened in that warehouse when Gitano had his gun to Elliot's head. Nobody but them. Actually, it was just her now, since Elliot didn't remember it.

"What happened?" Elliot asked again. "That pervert cut your throat."

"We were trying to save the kids he'd taken. He'd let go of the boy. When I went down, you ran to me in stead of the boy."

"Just like in my dream."

"Yes."

"And?"

Olivia put her hand over his and told him softly,

"He took the boy again after cutting me. He killed him."

Elliot pulled his hands from hers and leaned back against the pillows, frowning, and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and Olivia wondered if he was remembering more. He seemed restless now and it wasn't just the fever.

"I could have saved him ..." he said, the realization hitting him hard.

"Yeah."

"But I chose to save you."

"I didn't need saving. The cut wasn't that deep."

"I didn't know that. I panicked."

She could tell he was right there, inside the intense memory. The only memory he had so far. She scooted forward, closer to him, and put a hand on his chest. His heart was beating fast.

"El. It's in the past."

He opened his eyes and looked at her, and she could see the beginning of tears in his eyes.

"Olivia, I ... I know that I ... I'd choose you again."

The tears in her eyes now matched his.

"Elliot ..."

"I know that case is in the past, but what I feel for you isn't. That's right here, right now."

...

 **Dun dun.**


	14. Afraid

**Another update today, to take the minds of our American friends off of the elections ...**

...

 **14\. Afraid**

 _I know that case is in the past, but what I feel for you isn't. That's right here, right now._

Elliot's hand closed over hers on his chest and one tear made its way down his cheek. Olivia reached up with her other hand to wipe it away gently. Her hand was shaking and she couldn't speak. So she just acted, and caressed his cheek, hoping he would understand that his admission was just too much for her to handle. Her world had been turned upside down completely over the past twenty-four hours and she felt like Elliot had just reached inside her chest and ripped her heart out. He was literally holding her heart in his hands and there was nothing she could do to get it back. Not that she wanted it back, but she was scared out of her mind. She knew he was desperate to get his memory back and was clinging to her at the moment because somehow, she was familiar to him. But what if he was mistaking the fact that she seemed familiar to him for something else? What if more memories would come back to him and he'd remember his commitment to Kathy? What if he remembered how complicated they used to be and wanted to give her heart back to her in a while? She was doomed one way or the other. Her heart had been his for as long as she'd known him.

She wanted to be here for Elliot, but at what cost to herself? It should be easy to just give in to her feelings, now that he was finally admitting that he felt the same way. But it wasn't easy at all. He didn't remember their past together, so he didn't remember all the reasons why they had never confessed their feelings to each other before. What if she gave in now, and he would regret this later on? It wasn't his marriage or his ex-wife stopping her now. It was her own, deep-seeded fear that she just wasn't meant to have her cake and eat it too. That she was simply supposed to be alone and Elliot would never truly be hers. That they just weren't meant to be. She shouldn't abuse his memory loss to try and force a relationship that they shouldn't even have considered to begin with.

She snapped out of her confusing thoughts when Elliot returned her gesture and wiped a few tears off her cheeks as well. She hadn't even noticed that they were falling.

"Don't leave me, Liv," Elliot pleaded with her. "Please don't."

"Why would you think ..."

"I can see you're scared," he interrupted her, his voice getting stronger as he spoke. "I'm scared too, but not of my feelings for you. I'm scared that you'll run."

Olivia moved away from him. She remained seated on the bed, but turned her back to him. She tried to focus on her breathing. Breathe out slowly. Slowly. He could still read her and he could see her indecision. Fight or flight. She didn't want to leave him but she was so scared that the urge to run was overwhelming. She felt Elliot's hand wrap around her upper arm gently.

"Please don't run," he said and she could feel the sadness in his voice inside her chest.

"If you don't want me to run," she told him without looking at him, "then don't push me."

Elliot let go of her arm immediately and it made her look in his direction. Not into his eyes. Anywhere but into his eyes. She saw his Adam's apple bob and saw his chest tremble underneath the light blue hospital gown as he exhaled slowly. She saw him clasp his hands together nervously on his stomach and she finally looked at his face. He was terrified too. She was the only thing giving him any kind of hope to find himself again, and she was on the verge of abandoning him for fear of getting hurt. _Snap out of it_ , she told herself. _He needs you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're the one who put him here, for God's sake._

"I won't push you, Olivia. I just can't bare the thought of losing you. If this thing between us freaks you out that much ..."

"It's not that!"

She wasn't sure why she'd felt the need to interrupt him but she finally looked into his eyes after that.

"Then what?" Elliot asked softly.

"I ... you don't remember how we used to be together," Olivia said, forcing herself to sound strong and in control. "What if you start remembering more and ..."

"You're afraid that it's not real."

"Yes."

Yes, that was exactly it. She was afraid he was just confused and didn't dare believe that he could have exactly the same feelings for her that she had for him.

"Olivia, let me tell you one thing," Elliot said, and she could see fresh tears brimming in his eyes. His voice was low and hoarse. "What I feel between us ... what I feel for you ... it is the realest thing I have ever known. And if I never, ever remember anything else, it's enough for me."

They both let out a shaky breath simultaneously and Olivia turned towards him again. When Elliot reached for her, she couldn't suppress a sob and she moved into his waiting arms. His arms wrapped around her waist and her hands went to his shoulders. Their hug was tentative at first, but once Olivia felt his arms around her, she sank into it and exhaled, resting her cheek against his. She felt his hand rub her back gently and couldn't stop another sob emanating from her throat. Elliot was trembling too and swallowing hard, and she moved one hand to the back of his head.

They were holding each other and comforting each other in a very uncharacteristic display of mutual vulnerability. Somehow it felt like a new chapter in their lives was beginning at last. The pages had remained empty for four long years, for both of them, and they had finally turned a new leaf. Elliot could stop running to try and find the one he had been searching for, and Olivia was beginning to heal now that she knew Elliot hadn't abandoned her after all.

"I've missed you," Olivia whispered into his neck once she found her voice again.

"I'm sorry," Elliot whispered back, rubbing her cheek with his.

"I was really angry that you had left without a word."

He held her a little tighter.

"I didn't know."

"I know that now."

"I won't leave you again."

Olivia wanted to say something but she didn't know what to say. She wanted to believe him. For now, she just enjoyed this moment, being in his arms, their tears mingling where their faces were pressed together, cheek to cheek. They were here now, together. Maybe forgetting the past wasn't such a bad idea.

...

 ** _Sigh..._ More to come soon.**


	15. Cragen

**Here's another chapter after the political earthquake that took place tonight / today. Sometimes fact is stranger than fiction so let's bury our heads in our own little world for a while, shall we? Love from Europe.**

...

 **15\. Cragen**

They broke apart when a nurse's aide came in with Elliot's lunch. They were both a little shocked after the intense moment and Olivia needed some time to calm down. After lunch, Elliot would need to rest again so Olivia decided to grab a sandwich to go at the hospital cafetaria and to get some fresh air. She ended up walking a few blocks away from the hospital and into a small book store that sold second hand books. There was a reading table by the window and Olivia took her time finding a few books she'd like to sample before taking a seat at the table. Aside from the older lady running the store, she was the only person there and she welcomed the solitude. She needed some time to think.

Olivia couldn't really focus on the words on the pages. Her mind kept drifting to the man in the hospital. The man she'd known so well and who she was getting to know all over again. The man she'd been most furious with, had defended most passionately, had hated most deeply at times but above all, the man she loved with every fiber of her being. There was no running away from him. She'd tried but she had never been able to stay away. And even now, after thinking for four long years that he'd simply abandoned her, meaning he didn't care about her even a little bit, she'd been ready to accept his explanation and to stand by him again.

She still needed an explanation though, but not from him. Not from Elliot, but definitely from Kathy. And from their children. She had looked at Elliot's family as her own at times, and it had hurt all the more when not only Elliot, but all the Stablers shut her out of their lives. Elliot was the only one that could plead ignorance. He truly hadn't known. But _they_ had. Kathy and the kids had.

She thought she'd been kind to Kathy and usually, Kathy had been polite to her. But she'd always felt an undercurrent of competition between them. In a rare moment of vulnerability, Kathy had even told her that Elliot was what they had in common. She'd asked her to look out for him after their divorce. Things had turned out differently in the end but Olivia had never expected the woman to keep them apart intentionally under the circumstances. She'd need to hear from the former Mrs. Stabler herself why she had kept her away.

And then there was Kathleen. The most intense member of the Stabler household, who had butted heads with her intense father the most, and whom he had always loved so intensely. He really wanted to remember her and Olivia wished that for him. Still, she had to wonder why Kathleen had never reached out to her either. Part of her wanted to be there when Elliot's middle daughter would come to visit him that evening. Another part of her knew that it would be better if it was just the two of them. She didn't want to confront the young woman in front of Elliot anyway, but she did want to talk to her.

Finally, one of the mystery books she'd selected actually grabbed her attention, and Olivia spent about an hour reading the first part of two books before buying them both and leaving the book store. She felt rested and refreshed once she returned to the hospital around 2.30 pm.

She spotted him immediately at the reception desk. Donald Cragen. He was even balder than she remembered him, but he was still all the Captain she'd served under for fifteen years. She walked up to him just when he was receiving directions to Elliot's room.

"I can show him the way," Olivia said, standing next to Cragen.

Her former boss turned to her and smiled.

"Olivia."

"Hello Don."

They hugged and when they started walking, Olivia looped her arm through Cragen's.

"How are you holding up?" Cragen asked her as they walked.

Olivia chuckled.

"How 'bout I'm not?" she answered and Cragen raised an eyebrow when he looked at her.

"I would have bet money that you'd say 'I'm fine'."

"Yeah, well ..."

Olivia squeezed the older man's arm.

"Elliot's suddenly become this open book without any filter at all. I guess it's rubbing off."

"I can't wait to see that for myself," Cragen mused. "But you're _not_ holding up?"

Olivia sighed.

"It's ... intense. It's all so sudden and I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster ride for two days now. I don't know how I'm going to go back to work tomorrow."

"Then don't."

Olivia shook her head, giving her former boss a half smile.

"I don't work for you anymore."

"Exactly," Cragen insisted. "Last time I checked, _you_ were the boss. And I happen to know you have a qualified Sergeant working for you now. Take some time off for this. God knows you've got the overtime stacked up to pay for an extended break."

Olivia knew he was right. She could stay away for six weeks and still have vacation days left. But it wasn't like her to just drop all of their cases and take time off for personal reasons. Donald Cragen knew her only too well and added,

"Just look at it this way. Someone else needs your full attention right now. You're not abandoning the job, you just have another job to do first. Someone else to help."

She smiled. That was another way to look at it. She was always better in taking time off for someone else than for herself. She promised she'd think about it when they arrived at Elliot's room.

"Here we are," she said, gesturing at the door.

Cragen knocked once and then opened the door to walk in slowly and see his former detective for the first time in over four years. Olivia followed closely behind to see Elliot's reaction, and to introduce them if necessary. Elliot seemed to be asleep and they both walked up to his bed quietly. Cragen gestured at Olivia to just let him sleep, and she nodded. He looked at Elliot for a while, taking in his fragile state and the red blush on his cheeks, no doubt caused by the fever. Olivia stood on Elliot's right side and put a hand on his forehead gently. He was still a little warm. Elliot sighed and she retracted her hand quickly. She hadn't meant to wake him.

"Liv?" Elliot said without opening his eyes.

"I'm here," she replied softly, putting her hand on his shoulder.

Elliot groaned softly and she wondered if he was in pain. He was getting pain medication via his IV but maybe it wasn't enough. He opened his eyes suddenly and Olivia glanced at Cragen before focusing on Elliot.

"I'm here," she repeated, and Elliot relaxed, giving her a sleepy smile.

"You didn't run," he mumbled before closing his eyes again.

When it looked like Elliot had fallen asleep again, Olivia walked over to Cragen on the other side of the bed.

"Have a seat," she said, gesturing at the armchair.

"What did he mean, you didn't run?" Cragen asked her softly as he sat down.

Olivia blew out a breath slowly. She didn't exactly feel like relaying her earlier conversation with Elliot to him.

"He's just ehm ... a little clingy because he seems to remember me on some level," she explained as neutrally as she could.

It was actually what she was afraid of, that he was clinging to her for that reason alone, and not because he had real romantic feelings for her at all. Cragen seemed to buy it too and that didn't exactly help to ease her fears. Olivia pulled up a small chair, and they sat together in silence while they waited for Elliot to wake up again, both caught up in their own thoughts and concerns about the man in the hospital bed. They were startled out of their thoughts when they heard the patient ask,

"Olivia, who is this?"

...


	16. Home

**16\. Home**

Cragen stood up and stood next to the bed when he introduced himself.

"My name is Donald Cragen and you used to work for me at the Special Victims Unit for over a decade."

Elliot stared at the man for a few seconds and then his eyes flicked to Olivia's. She had stood up as well and they reached for each other's hand automatically.

"Remember I told you I asked our former boss to come? This is him."

"Oh."

Elliot looked at the older man again and Olivia could see that there was no recognition at all. If Cragen was disappointed, he wasn't showing it. Instead, he told Elliot,

"You and Benson here gave me quite a few headaches over the years, detective Stabler. I could tell you a few stories if you're interested."

Elliot forced a smile and Olivia knew he was disappointed as well that he didn't recognize his former boss.

"Sure," he said, but he didn't seem very excited about hearing Cragen's stories.

Cragen glanced at Olivia, who apologized wordlessly to him for Elliot's lack of response. Cragen nodded at her reassuringly. It was okay.

"So, I hear that you do recognize Olivia. That must be very strange for you."

Elliot perked up a little and reached for the controls of his bed to raise it so he would be sitting up.

"You need a hand with that?" Olivia asked.

"No, I've got it."

Some things hadn't changed. Cragen winked at Olivia, who just smirked at him.

"You know, it's very new to finally remember someone," Elliot started once he was done adjusting the angle of the bed, "but I wouldn't call it strange. It's a huge relief, like I'm finally going home again after being at sea for years."

"So Olivia is kind of your lighthouse, helping you get home," Cragen responded, but Elliot shook his head.

"No."

He squeezed her hand and Olivia felt butterflies in her stomach when he looked at her with so much tenderness in his eyes that she had to look away.

"She's not helping me get home. She _is_ home."

Olivia took a deep breath and avoided looking at either of the men in the room with her. She wasn't used to Elliot's directness yet. At least Cragen would understand what she'd meant when she said Elliot was filter-less now. She didn't know what to say and was relieved when Cragen spoke again.

"I can't say that surprises me very much, son. You two were quite a team for so long, and I've always know you cared deeply about each other. More than partners should."

Olivia looked at her former boss.

"Yet you never split us up."

"I've wanted to, believe me," Cragen sighed, smiling at her and then looking at Elliot. "But it was pretty obvious that you two would always function better together than apart. Elliot, if we'd known about this ..."

Elliot held up one hand immediately, and interrupted the Captain,

"I know. They kept you all away. I'm sorry that it looked like I abandoned you."

His eyes had drifted to Olivia, who bit her lip and just nodded. The pain of his absence was still there but she knew that Elliot wasn't to blame. He'd been on his way back to her after just five months in stead of four years.

"Olivia had it rough. I'm glad she knows now that it was never your intention to stay away."

The Captain looked at her and Olivia had to blink the beginning of a few tears away. Captain Cragen had always been like a father to her. Stern but fair. And he knew how much she'd missed her partner. She suspected he knew how much she'd loved him. How much she still loved him and how no one could ever take his place despite their best efforts.

"I'm sorry I don't remember you, sir. You seem like a good man to me. You looked out for Olivia after I left?"

"I tried," Cragen said, and Elliot didn't miss the sadness in his voice and eyes. He frowned and looked between the two people at his bedside.

Olivia wanted to tell Cragen that Elliot didn't know anything about what had happened to her, but that would make him even more curious. She could see that Elliot was already wondering what he was missing. Cragen rescued her once again.

"I am glad you seem to be remembering Benson. You two need each other," the Captain stated. "I can only hope you will regain more of your memory over time. I'll be glad to help."

Both Olivia and Cragen sat down and Cragen talked with Elliot for a while, answering questions mostly and offering up a few anecdotes from the past. Olivia could tell that Elliot enjoyed the stories, especially when they were about her, but they didn't spark his memory. They exchanged a look from time to time and feeling their connection so strongly after all this time, made her stomach flutter despite the seriousness of the situation.

After about an hour, Cragen stood up to leave and Olivia walked him to the door.

"It's so strange to see him like this," Cragen told her softly when they were halfway through the door.

"I know. It's like he's the same person but with a completely clean slate," Olivia sighed, looking down at the floor.

"Not completely, Olivia," Cragen said, lowering his head to catch her eyes while he put a hand on her shoulder. "He remembers you."

"Partially."

"Works for me. You can build on that."

Olivia gave her former boss a half smile. He had no idea how eagerly Elliot wanted to build on that little scrap of memory he'd gotten back so far. Cragen turned around then and looked at Elliot from the doorway of the room.

"You take care of her, you hear me Stabler?"

Elliot looked surprised but grinned then.

"Yes sir."

After they had said their goodbyes and Cragen had promised he'd visit again soon, Olivia walked back into the room. Elliot was looking at the door she'd just closed, frowning, and she wondered what he was thinking. When she sat down on the edge of the bed, he looked up at her, tilting his head, and asked her,

"Did he always call us Benson and Stabler?"

...

 **This was the last chapter I had pre-written so I'm not sure I'll be able to write another one for tomorrow. The story is in my head but it takes time to put it into actual words. Reviews always motivate me to write, so you know what to do ... ;) Thanks for reading!**


	17. Comfortable

**One last chapter before the weekend, written at work partially ... (shhh)! Shoutout to my most faithful reviewers of this story, Peedy, Faith Ann Tucker, greenbasketball, poetif, The Congressman, Roanie123, Cinderella1268, lizzard9, TV Angel 711, Jammie123 and Kattella07. Thank you for your support and feedback! At poetif, the next chapter will be longer, I promise. You'll understand why when you get to the end of this one ... Dun dun.**

...

 **17\. Comfortable**

Olivia was afraid to ask if Elliot was possibly remembering their former Captain after all. He seemed to be deep in thought and Olivia checked her watch. She would need to get going soon to pick up Noah from day care. Just when she thought they were going to drop the subject, Elliot said pensively,

"When he called me Stabler just now, I could swear I'd heard that before. That voice ..."

Olivia stepped closer to the man in the hospital bed. She breathed out slowly through pursed lips. Could this really be? Could he actually remember his former boss and not his own wife and children? Elliot looked up at her.

"Everyone just calls me Elliot ... or El," he added with a half smile. "Or dad, or Mr. Stabler. But the way he just called me Stabler, like he was giving me an order ..."

"Well, he used to do that a lot," Olivia remarked, still unsure if she should just let Elliot figure it out or if she should help him in some way to remember, although she had no idea how to do that.

Elliot just nodded and when he remained silent, she decided to announce that she would be leaving for the day soon.

"Will you be back tomorrow?" Elliot asked her with hope in his voice, and his vulnerability was disarming.

Olivia wanted to say yes, but she would need to talk to her Sergeant first. And to his father, Chief Dodds, to discuss the possibility of taking some personal time off.

"I have to go to the station first tomorrow," she told Elliot.

"But you'll drop by afterwards?"

Olivia put her hand on his upper arm and rubbed it gently. It was becoming easier to touch him without being hit by a bout of nerves, and when he smiled at her warmly, she felt the desire to touch more of him. But she reigned herself in and just squeezed his impressive bicep. He had definitely stayed in shape.

"I'll be here tomorrow. Can't tell you what time yet, but I'll be back. And then you can tell me all about Kathleen's visit."

Elliot looked down at his hands in his lap and nodded.

"Yeah. I need to talk to her. Ask her why they never told you or the others at the NYPD about my memory loss. I don't get that."

"Neither do I," Olivia admitted softly, and the sadness in her voice made Elliot look up at her again.

He moved his left arm and put it around her waist tentatively, nudging her a little closer to him.

"I can't tell you enough how sorry I am about that Liv. I mean ... I guess I was a jerk too, to leave you hanging for a couple of months but ..."

Olivia shook her head, not wanting him to beat himself up about that. It was in the past. But Elliot continued despite her non-vocal objection, and she made an effort to concentrate on his words and not on the feeling of his hand on her hip or his thumb rubbing her hipbone gently.

"No, let me finish please. I have no doubt that I wasn't always the nicest person. Kathy let that slip on several occasions when we argued during the year I lived with them. But still, this shouldn't have gone on for four years. It's not fair. To anyone. And I _will_ confront Kathy about that, trust me."

Olivia wanted to ask him if and when he was going to call Kathy, but she decided against it. It wasn't any of her business. Perhaps it was wise to use Kathleen as a buffer between the former spouses. And between her and Kathy too. She didn't know what she'd do or say if she were suddenly confronted with the blonde. Shaking off the uneasiness she felt whenever she thought of Kathy, Olivia told Elliot to just rest now, and not worry too much. He had a lot of healing to do, after all.

"I'll be fine here Liv, they're taking good care of me," Elliot said smiling, and Olivia found herself having difficulty moving out of his arm.

She was beginning to feel more and more comfortable with him and his open display of affection and wondered if he would be surprised if she kissed him on the cheek before leaving. Their eyes remained locked for several long seconds and they were both equally hesitant to say goodbye. Olivia was the first to break eye contact when she put a hand on his chest. She looked at her hand while she told him softly,

"I'm glad you're going to be okay."

"And I'm still glad you crashed into me," he answered immediately, and her eyes flicked back up to his.

His cocky grin made her heart flutter and her stomach clench. He still knew annoyingly well how to push her buttons. But in stead of brushing off the moment or feigning annoyance, like she used to do in the past when they got too close, she just acknowledged softly,

"Me too."

...

Noah was tired after a long day but still managed to wear his mother out before he was finally ready to admit that he might actually need some sleep. They had played with Noah's wooden dinosaur jigsaw puzzles for a while before Olivia started dinner, and she was pleased that Noah was eating so well lately. When she stood up to get them both some dessert, she listened to his quiet babbling about his friends in day care and his favorite stuffed animal, which was a dinosaur of course. She was surprised to hear him talk about Ewwie as well and when she sat back down at the table, she asked her son,

"Do you remember Elliot in the hospital, Noah?"

Noah nodded, picking up his spoon and tapping it on the table.

"Ewwie Ot ouch," Noah said, frowning. "Ewwie Ot better soon? Noah want to pway with Ewwie."

He looked at his mother hopefully and she smiled at her little boy. He wanted to play with Elliot?

"You like Elliot?"

Noah nodded again.

"Ewwie is Noah big friend."

Olivia's smile widened. Noah was the most important man in her life and him calling Elliot his big friend made her heart soar. She pushed away the fear that was immediately starting to gnaw at her new-found joy of having Elliot back in her life. Elliot was making it very clear that he wanted her to be a part of his life and he had taken to Noah right away and vice versa. There was no reason not to be happy about that and she shouldn't let her fear that happiness would never last for her, keep her from enjoying these moments.

"Well Noah, maybe we can bring one of your dinosaur puzzles to the hospital some time, and you can play with Elliot."

Noah clapped in his hands excitedly and Olivia made a mental note to ask Elliot if it was okay to bring Noah again. She had kind of promised her son already, but somehow she knew it would be okay. She let her mind wander a bit when Noah started eating his dessert. She liked the way things were between her and Elliot like this. She still hoped he would start to remember more, but she could get used to things not being so complicated for a change.

After Noah had finally nodded off in his bed, Olivia took a shower and changed into her favorite sweats. She had just gotten comfortable on the couch with a glass of wine and one of her new books, when the sound of her buzzer filled the apartment. She checked the time. It was almost 10 pm. Who could be dropping by at this hour? She hoisted herself up from the couch and walked to the intercom.

"Who is it?" she asked, hoping to sound stern and confident.

She still got nervous sometimes when she was alone in her apartment, remembering that one night in May when it turned out that she wasn't alone at all. The voice that answered her was one she hadn't expected.

"Olivia? It's Kathleen Stabler. Can I come up?"

...

 **Dun dun. Or rather, it's about time? More soon.**


	18. Kathleen

**Result of my mini-poll on twitter was 44 v 56 percent to either hurry up with this chapter or to take my time to perfect it. I found the middle ground: it's about half of the conversation between Olivia and Kathleen, posted today. Enjoy!**

...

 **18\. Kathleen**

Olivia waited by the door, leaning against it with one shoulder, until she heard footsteps in the hallway. Kathleen Stabler. She hadn't seen the girl or any of her siblings in over five years and she wondered why Kathleen had decided to come to see her now. She must have come over straight from the hospital after visiting her father. Olivia peeked through the peephole and saw the blonde young woman approach her door. She opened the door before Kathleen could knock, and they both froze for an instant when they were finally face to face. Olivia quickly regained her composure and greeted Kathleen formally.

"Hello Kathleen. It's been a long time."

Kathleen stared at her a few moments longer. Then she suddenly stepped forward, wrapping her arms around the older woman, and sighed,

"Olivia ... I'm so sorry!"

Kathleen squeezed her arms tightly around Olivia's waist. Olivia was stunned and it took her a moment to understand that Kathleen was actually very happy to see her, and apparently apologizing for not contacting her sooner. She moved her arms around the younger woman loosely and patted her on the back when Kathleen showed no signs that she was going to let go of her any time soon.

"Ehm ... okay. Kathleen? Why don't you ehm ... come on in, and we can talk," Olivia suggested, trying not to let her nerves take over too much. She was the older of the two after all so she needed to show some semblance of self-control here.

Kathleen finally released her and looked up at her with tears in her eyes.

"I ... okay. It's ... good to see you, Olivia."

Olivia stepped back and told her,

"Please, come in and have a seat. You want something to drink?"

Kathleen nodded and seemed very relieved. She shrugged her coat off and tossed it on Olivia's rack by the door. The gesture reminded Olivia so much of Elliot, that she bit her lip and turned away from Kathleen.

"You want some wine?" she asked while walking towards the kitchen.

"No. No, thank you, I don't drink. Do you have any soda?"

Olivia checked her fridge but she didn't have any soda, just some beer, wine, milk and lemonade.

"I'm sorry, I'm all out. But I could fix you some lemonade?"

"Lemonade?"

Kathleen was surprised. She had sat down on the couch and was looking around. When she spotted some toys in a box in the corner, her eyes lit up.

"You have a baby?"

Olivia placed the bottle of lemonade on the breakfast bar and looked at Elliot's middle daughter on her couch. It was a surreal moment.

"Yes, I have a son. Hence the lemonade."

"Wow ... well, sure. I'll have some of your son's lemonade. What's his name?"

"Noah. He's two."

Olivia busied herself making Kathleen a glass of lemonade. She walked back into the living area and handed the glass to the young woman before picking up her own wine glass from the coffee table and sitting down next to Kathleen.

"Thank you," Kathleen said quietly. "You must be wondering why I'm here after all this time."

When their eyes met, Olivia nodded.

"Yeah. Why don't you tell me."

"I went to visit dad in the hospital, but I guess you know that. And he told me ... he told me that apparently he just ... walked out of your life when he quit his job."

Kathleen was stammering a bit and Olivia wondered where she was going with this.

"I just want you to know, Olivia, that I had no idea."

Kathleen looked at her with despair in her eyes but Olivia wasn't following.

"No idea about what, Kathleen?"

Kathleen jumped up and started pacing and talking very fast, clutching her glass of lemonade with both hands.

"And then he lost his memory and mom told us he was better off not remembering the job and we agreed because we knew it was so tough on him and he was always so stressed out and angry and ... well ... Olivia, I honestly didn't know. None of us did."

She had stopped pacing and looked at Olivia with wide eyes. Olivia stood up as well and approached the frantic woman carefully.

"Honey, why don't you sit down again, and start at the beginning, okay? Because I'm really not following right now."

When she put a hand on Kathleen's arm, Kathleen blinked and nodded, and then walked back to the couch.

"Yes. Okay. The beginning."

Kathleen sat down, took a deep breath and started over, leaning her elbows on her knees and focusing on the wall behind the television while she spoke. Olivia sat back down next to her.

"Back when dad came home after shooting that girl, he was a mess. He was withdrawn and mom said he was walking around the house in the middle of the night a lot. It got a little better after he'd put his papers in, and he calmed down a bit but he still wasn't the dad we knew. I visited regularly to talk to him but he was very closed off. One day I asked him if he was at least talking to _you_ , because I knew he could always talk to you about anything."

Kathleen had turned her head to look at Olivia when she mentioned her.

"I was really happy that he had you as a partner, you know. He and mom had such completely different lives, that he couldn't talk to her about work stuff at all."

Olivia had been painfully aware of that truth over the years. She'd tried to stay out of the way and not interfere in any way with her partner's marriage, but she knew he didn't talk to his wife enough. She'd told him that too. Told him that he was shutting Kathy out and that he was ruining his marriage. But it had never really changed. He'd wanted to shield his family from the horrors of the job, he'd said. But she knew there had been more to it. He just couldn't really talk to Kathy at all. Not even about ordinary things. The marriage had been strained for as long as she could remember, and probably before that.

She knew Elliot wouldn't have been the easiest person to live with. Talk about strained. But they had tried. They had been committed to their family and she had tried to support them.

"He told me that he didn't want to burden you with his problems," Kathleen continued. "That you needed to go on with your own life. I just assumed that you and he had talked about this because that was what you two did. I thought you had gone your separate ways as friends. I never would have imagined ..."

Kathleen shook her head and Olivia was beginning to understand what she was telling her.

"If I'd known he'd simply walked out on you, I would have kicked his ass Olivia. You gotta believe that."

Olivia wanted to reach out to the young woman but didn't. It was too painful to hear her explain how Elliot had told no one that he'd basically abandoned his partner after the shooting. Of course they hadn't expected it. No one had, least of all Olivia herself. That was exactly what had made the past four years so difficult for her. She'd tried to hate him for leaving her without a word, but she had missed him more than she had hated him, and she'd hated herself for it.

"I'm so sorry he did that," Kathleen said, her voice barely more than a whisper, and Olivia finally reached out to the young woman and put a hand on her back.

"Me too," she replied softly.

"And then he lost his memory and mom talked to all of us. She said that maybe this wasn't such a bad thing, and that our father would finally be able to leave the trauma of the shooting and the horrors of the job behind him."

Kathleen hung her head and sighed, and Olivia could tell that she was fighting back fresh tears.

"And we all agreed."

She took a deep breath and looked up at Olivia again.

"I'm so sorry. We all agreed not to contact his former squad. Mom said that his family and the safe surroundings of our family home should be enough for him, and that we would be there for him as a family as his memories came back to him."

"But they never did," Olivia said, watching Kathleen struggle with how she had handled the situation.

"No. Until he finally met you two nights ago. He told me tonight that he knew the instant he saw you, that he'd met you before. He ... he could have started healing _years_ ago if we'd just called you."

Tears trickled down Kathleen's cheeks now and Olivia continued rubbing her back, as much for Kathleen's comfort as her own.

"You didn't know," she offered but Kathleen shook her head.

"Mom did! Mom knew!"

Kathleen jumped up again and Olivia stood with her.

"Kathleen ..."

"No. No, I'm sure she knew. She's always been jealous of how you could talk to dad when she couldn't. She'd joke about it, but I knew that deep down she was serious."

Kathleen laughed suddenly, a bitter laugh.

"Mom wanted him all to herself. Well, look how that turned out. He'll want nothing to do with her now."

Olivia was trembling. She was overwhelmed with different feelings and emotions. Part of her shared Kathleen's outrage that Kathy had kept her and the squad away intentionally. Another part was more relieved than she'd expected to know that there was no resentment at all between her and Kathleen. And she shared Kathleen's pain over her father's suffering. Because he _had_ suffered from the amnesia. His restless dreams were proof of that. He may not have been haunted by memories of rape victims and crime scenes, but he'd been haunted in a different way. He'd been searching day and night, without knowing what he was looking for. Or whom. Kathleen and Elliot had butted heads many times but Olivia had always known that deep down, they had a very special bond.

Kathleen's love for her father was very visible now. She loved her father so much that she'd been happy that he had his partner to support him in a way her mother couldn't. It was an amazing kind of loyalty to her father, that Olivia knew was very rare. Not all children could look at things the way Kathleen obviously could.

"Do your brothers and sisters know that Elliot was in an accident? And that he's regained a few memories?" she asked Kathleen.

Kathleen was still shaking her head at the whole situation and walked towards the box with Noah's toys. She picked up one of his toy cars, a police car, and studied it while she spoke again.

"Not yet. Neither does mom. Or grandma."

Grandma. Elliot's mother. Another person in the Stabler family that Olivia thought she'd had a good rapport with.

"Grandma's really happy with the new Elliot Stabler, you know," Kathleen said bitterly. "He adores her and she revels in the attention he gives her now. She won't accept that this isn't really who dad is. He is the son she always wanted now, so she won't be too happy if he does get all of his memories back."

Olivia blew out a breath slowly. Could she really blame Bernie? The woman had been desperate for Elliot's love, and the effects of her bipolar disorder combined with Elliot's sense of responsibility and his temper, had destroyed so much between mother and son. Of course she'd be happy to have the loving son she'd always wanted him to be. She couldn't blame the woman. So she didn't. She asked about Kathleen's brothers and sisters instead.

"How are Maureen and the twins handling your dad's amnesia?"

Kathleen was still studying the small police car in her hand and didn't look up when she smiled wryly.

"Maureen ... she was already doing her own thing when it happened. Had a boyfriend she was really serious about and she was focused on law school. She tried to stay out of it the whole time. I think she knows more about mom and dad's argument at his surprise birthday party, but she won't talk about it. She got married two years ago and moved to LA. She's not really close to mom _or_ dad. The only one of us she talks to regularly is Elizabeth."

Olivia knew what it was like to distance oneself from one's parents. Or parent, in her case. And she couldn't blame Maureen either. Kids shouldn't be burdened with their parents' problems and should live their own lives. As Maureen grew up after surviving puberty, she had always struck Olivia as a balanced person who had no trouble making sensible choices for herself. Choosing not to interfere with her parents' problems or her father's memory loss was a choice for herself, not against anyone else. Olivia couldn't and wouldn't take it personally.

Kathleen put the police car back in the box and took a long draw from her glass of lemonade. Olivia invited her to sit down again but Kathleen was too restless.

"I can't believe he is actually remembering stuff now," she said, moving back to the couch but not sitting down. "I kind of lost hope that this would happen but now ..."

"I'm not sure why I'm the one who seems to have jogged his memory," Olivia said, sitting down and picking up her glass of wine. "It should have been one of you, his family."

Kathleen chuckled.

"You're not sure why you're the one? Well, that makes one of you then."

Olivia's eyebrows shot up.

"What do you mean?"

"It pretty obvious that dad is in love with you, Olivia," Kathleen said bluntly, almost sounding annoyed that Olivia wouldn't understand that. "Looking back now, I think he's _always_ been in love with you. And don't tell me you didn't know that!"

...

 **Dun dun :)**

...

 **I wasn't sure if the entire conversation between and Olivia and Kathleen would fit into one chapter. As it turns out, it doesn't. I try not to skim over the emotions that go with conversations, so that's why this chapter is longer than the previous ones. The next one probably will be as well and this looked like a suitable place to cut it in half. I'd love to hear what you think of Kathleen so far, while I write the second part of this. And how about Bernie and Maureen?**


	19. Blame

**19\. Blame**

Olivia opened her mouth but didn't know what to say. While she had never been certain that Elliot was in love with her, there was no denying their special connection, or her own love for her former partner. Kathleen had put it out there and she was at a loss for words. The young woman didn't seem upset by the notion of her father being in love with another woman than her mother, but it was still an awkward moment.

"I'm not trying to make you feel uncomfortable," she heard Kathleen say, and when she looked up at her, she could see that while Kathleen was a little shocked herself, there was no accusation in her eyes at all.

"Okay," she managed to say.

"I'm glad, you know. I always wanted my dad to be happier than he was. I know he tried to be the best husband and father he could be, but with his job ..."

Kathleen looked down and shook her head.

"His best just wasn't good enough for mom."

"Kathleen ..." Olivia started, but the young woman held up a hand to stop her.

"No, please. I'm just stating a fact. And I don't blame mom for that either. She had every right not to be satisfied with what she was getting because it wasn't enough. Dad was doing it all on willpower and his sense of responsibility, but in the end, his heart wasn't in it. Because his heart belonged to the job and to you."

Olivia blew out a breath and swallowed. She looked at Kathleen when she finally sat back down on the couch.

"The fact that he remembers you only proves that, wouldn't you say?"

Olivia nodded. It certainly meant _something_ that he remembered her and not his wife and children. Even Cragen seemed to have jiggled something inside Elliot. In the end, the job resonated more with Elliot than his own family, and in a way, that was sad. Kathleen was right. Kathy had had every reason not to be satisfied with the state of her marriage.

"What I _do_ blame mom for, is trying to trick dad into a fake happy marriage after his memory loss. He wasn't happy before, and he wasn't happy afterwards. She should have just let him go. And I'm sorry I didn't realize that yet at the time."

Kathleen choked up and quickly took another sip of lemonade to mask her emotions.

"And where were you when all this happened, Kathleen? It's not all about your mom and dad, you know. You have your own life to live, too."

Kathleen smiled, blinking away her tears, and looked at her.

"I know, Olivia. And I didn't forget to live it. I moved from campus to Harlem. I have the best boyfriend in the world and I do freelance work as a reporter for several newspapers."

"Harlem? Why'd you move there?" Olivia asked.

"Terrence was born and raised there, so I moved to his 'hood'," Kathleen explained, making air quotes when she said 'hood'.

"Hood? You got yourself a handsome black man?" Olivia asked with a smile.

"Yeah," Kathleen sighed, her eyes glossing over a bit. "He worked really hard to get ahead. Got into college with a sports scholarship and made the most of it. He majored in journalism like me and has a steady job as an editor now. Sometimes we even work together and that is so cool."

Olivia could tell that Kathleen was very happy and she was happy for her. But there were two Stabler kids left.

"What about Dickie? Where did he end up? Is he still in touch with his father?"

Kathleen looked away briefly and Olivia noticed some discomfort on her face at the mention of her brother.

"Richard," Kathleen said slowly, looking back at Olivia to make sure she understood that her brother didn't want to be called Dickie anymore, "he wasn't your biggest fan you know."

"I know," Olivia replied, remembering how the boy had once asked her quite bluntly if she'd ever slept with her partner. His father.

"He's always been wary of you. You know, the whole sons siding with moms thing. He knew there was a lot of tension between mom and dad because of you, and he hated dad for choosing the job over his family, because he felt like he was choosing you over mom."

Olivia opened her mouth to say something, but Kathleen beat her to it.

"I _know_ it wasn't like that, Olivia. And I know you never encouraged dad or led him on. It's just the way Richard felt, because it was the way mom felt."

"Fair enough," Olivia mumbled.

She drank her wine and tried to relax while Kathleen continued.

"But deep down, I know he always wanted to make dad proud of him. That's a son thing too, I suppose. He really looked up to dad professionally because he used to be in the Marines and because he was a cop. Maybe he wasn't the best husband or dad in the world, but he was doing something meaningful with his life. Richard wanted that too, so dad would be proud of him."

Kathleen paused and finished her drink. She set the empty glass down on the coffee table, and Olivia followed suit, downing the rest of her wine and setting her glass on the table as well.

"He joined the Marines after all and is in training to become a technical engineer on an aircraft carrier out in the Pacific. Dad's memory loss hit him hard, because he wanted the 'old' dad to be proud of him. Not this empty shell of a man who is trying to be his father but doesn't remember their history at all."

"Elliot is not an empty shell of a man ..." Olivia interjected, not pleased with the label that was being put on him.

Kathleen smiled widely at her then.

"I know. He's actually become this very balanced and deep, wise person, right? But he's not the dad that Richard wanted to make proud. If it turns out that you are the key to bring back dad's memories, I'm sure Richard will be eternally grateful. He'll be the first to welcome you into the family!"

Kathleen laughed at her own little joke and Olivia couldn't help chuckling with her, but Kathleen's comments didn't exactly help her relax. She seemed to think it was a given that she and Elliot were going to end up together.

"I hope he will start remembering more, Kathleen. I really do. It's just a little scary that he seems to be latching on to me like I'm the only one who can help him."

"Well, you have to admit it's kinda special after four years, that he's suddenly dreaming actual memories, and they're all about you. He says he can finally stop searching, because he's found the one he's been looking for all along."

"Yeah, he told me that, too," Olivia said softly.

"Don't be afraid of it, Olivia," Kathleen said.

Olivia could tell that the young woman had calmed down now, after the first surge of emotions when she'd come over to see her. She was actually the one comforting her, in stead of the other way around.

"He's still dad. You know him. You know that deep down, his character hasn't changed. And you've always been able to handle him, so you'll be able to handle him now. I'm sure of it. In fact, I think you'll be the only one who will be able to handle him once more memories come back to him. It'll be intense and he'll need you more than ever."

Olivia knew Kathleen was right. And she wasn't afraid of Elliot. She was just afraid of getting hurt emotionally again. Of getting her hopes up, only to see them crushed later on. It had always been that way so she had just given up expecting anything else. Why would it be any different now?

"I guess you want to know about Elizabeth too, right?" Kathleen said, and Olivia focused on the conversation at hand again.

The youngest of the Stabler girls was the child she'd had the least contact with over the years and she waited for Kathleen to tell her about her younger sister.

"Liz basically feels the same way as Richard because they're twins, but she's keeping her distance, just like Maureen. I think Maureen told her to just let mom and dad work out their own issues, because she tried to stay out of every conversation, even though she still lived at home when dad lost his memory. She took care of Eli for a while when dad was in the hospital, and just kept taking care of him when dad came home. When dad decided to move out, she suddenly announced she was leaving too, to move in with a few friends in the city. The six of them rent a loft together and have their own little commune. I think she just needed to escape, but without a job, she couldn't afford a place of her own and she didn't want to live on campus. She's in her senior year of college now so hopefully, she'll be able to move out of that group soon."

Olivia cocked an eyebrow, her interest piqued by Kathleen's last remark.

"Why do you say that? Is something wrong with the group?"

Kathleen shrugged.

"I'm not sure. I just ... the few times I visited her there, I just got a weird vibe from the group. It's like they do _everything_ together and it creeped me out. You know, I wondered where they all sleep and what goes on at night, if you know what I mean."

"It's a mixed group?" Olivia asked, instantly concerned for Elizabeth.

"Yeah. Three girls and three boys. They smoke pot too, and I've seen stuff lying around in Liz's bedroom that definitely isn't hers. Girl stuff too. But hey, they're all consenting adults, right? I figure Liz would say something if there were things going on she wasn't okay with."

"I certainly hope so," Olivia said. "Do your parents know about her living conditions?"

Kathleen shrugged again.

"Mom's been to the loft maybe twice and Liz made sure everything was squeaky clean then. Dad never visits any of us, we always visit him at his place. And mom usually has us over too. It's easier for her and she likes to have us in the house we all grew up in."

It had been an intense conversation and a trip down memory lane for Olivia, and she was very tired. She covered her mouth to hide a yawn but Kathleen noticed anyway.

"I'm glad we had this talk, Olivia, and I'm glad there are no hard feelings between us," she said, standing up.

"Me too," Olivia said, standing up as well. "You're leaving?"

"Yeah. I should get home. Terrence will be wondering what's taking so long. I ehm ... hadn't expected to visit you tonight you know, just dad."

Olivia walked to the door with Kathleen and a thought hit her.

"Kathleen, how did you get my address? I'm pretty sure your dad doesn't know where I live."

Kathleen put on her coat and turned around to face her.

"When I was with dad, Fin dropped by. He gave it to me."

"Oh."

Fin went to visit Elliot at the hospital? She'd have to ask him about that tomorrow.

"I hope to see you again soon, Olivia, and meet your little boy."

Olivia told Kathleen that she was always welcome.

"I'm going to talk to mom about this," Kathleen announced before opening the door. "She has to know how wrong she was to keep you away from dad. It was a very selfish thing to do and once again, I'm so sorry that I went along with it."

"It's alright Kathleen, I understand now," Olivia said.

And she did. It still hurt, but she could understand it from the kids' point of view. How could they have known that Elliot had never bothered to say goodbye to her, _or_ that he'd been on his way to see her when he was mugged? Only Kathy had known that. And she'd used the fact that Elliot didn't remember it against him. Against both of them. After Kathleen had left, Olivia locked and bolted the door to her apartment and leaned against it. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When was this emotional roller-coaster going to slow down?

...


	20. Taking time off

**I know many of you are eager to see some more interaction between Olivia and Elliot, but there are more people involved here. I hope you'll enjoy this interlude!**

...

 **20\. Taking time off**

Olivia didn't sleep much that night. Her thoughts were a jumbled mess. Talking to Kathleen and hearing her explain why she hadn't heard from the kids over the past four years had helped, but she still had a lot of questions. And nobody knew the answer to the biggest question of all: how much would Elliot remember eventually? And another big one for Olivia personally: how would their relationship develop if he did remember more, and what would it become if he didn't? Elliot had made it clear that he wanted her in his life and he'd even discussed it with his daughter. But would he feel the same if he started remembering more of their complicated history? She liked this relaxed, unhurried version of her old partner, but would his intense moods return along with his memory? Would they start pushing each other's buttons again like they used to do? She had to admit she even missed that part of their friendship slash partnership. Nobody could rile her up like Elliot could and it had made her feel so alive. Livid at times, but alive. And it made her look forward to seeing him again so much, that she had to make an effort to focus on what Sergeant Dodds was telling her.

"So these are the court cases you'll be expected to attend, and these are the ones I thought you'd want to know about."

Dodds handed her two lists, and she scanned the papers, relieved to see exact dates and times and the names of the victims involved. It would be a great help over the coming weeks to have this schedule, and it meant she didn't need to actually remember what Dodds was telling her.

"Please don't concern yourself with the case of the guy who brands his victims. We're going to handle it," her Sergeant assured her, and she knew he was aware that the case was hitting close to home for her.

She pushed the memories aside that were trying to invade her mind of another time where a rapist had branded his victims - her - and concentrated on tucking the two lists in her bag.

"I'll let you know if anything changes, and Barba will be in touch about the two cases you'll be testifying in. Other than that, we've got it covered. I already spoke with my father," Dodds added, and Olivia looked up at him, cocking an eyebrow.

She hadn't asked her Sergeant to talk to the chief. Mike Dodds smiled shyly and then clarified,

"I may have exaggerated your injuries after the accident a bit. I didn't think you'd want him to know the details of why you're taking some extra time off."

Olivia squinted but she could tell the younger man had meant well and she wasn't going to give him flak for his actions. So she just thanked him.

"Three weeks, right?" Dodds asked her, and she nodded.

"For now, yes."

She wasn't sure how long it would take for Elliot to recover from his injuries and become mobile, but it would be at least a few weeks before he'd be waking with crutches again. The holidays were coming up and she actually welcomed the time off. With emotions running high, it wasn't such a bad decision to evade the busiest time of the year for once. Typically, a lot of errors in judgement were made by people drinking too much during the holidays, resulting in a lot of unwanted sexual activity and he said/she said cases swamping the squad and the courts with work. She was going to be a little selfish for once, and choose to help someone else, like Cragen had put it. Elliot needed her right now and she would be there for him for as long as he wanted her to be.

Before leaving the station, Olivia walked up to Fin and asked him if they could talk. They went up to the break room together and Fin smirked at her when they sat down across from each other.

"I take it Kathleen told you I visited Stabler last night."

"Yeah, she did."

"You and she talk alright?"

Olivia nodded.

"It was very enlightening."

"It was all Kathy, right?"

"Yes."

"Told ya."

Olivia smiled. Fin wasn't a man of many words but he usually hit the nail right on the head.

"So what was it like for you, to see him again?" she asked her friend. "Did he recognize you?"

"Nah," Fin said, and he seemed a little sad. "But he aksed about you Liv."

Olivia clasped her hands together in front of her on the table and studied the nails of her thumbs.

"What did he want to know?" she asked Fin quietly.

"Well, what you two were like, workin' together, stuff like that."

"What did you tell him?"

"The truth."

Olivia's eyes flicked up to Fin's, slightly shocked.

"Which is?" she asked, feeling her body tense up.

"That nothing could come between you two, not even when maybe it should have. That you both lived for the job and fueled each other. That everything you did was intense and that you fought like lions but always found each other again."

Olivia bobbed her head, looking down at her hands again. Fin's description of their partnership was very accurate.

"You know I'm not the guy's biggest fan but I know what he meant to you," Fin added, and she looked into his kind, honest eyes again. "Even assholes deserve a second chance, right? So I hope you two will find a way to hang out again, with or without his memory."

Olivia smiled and reached out to put a hand on Fin's arm.

"Thank you Fin," she said, her voice trembling slightly.

"If there's anything I can do," Fin said, trying not to show any emotions, and Olivia squeezed his arm.

"I know. Thanks Fin. Just ... keep an eye on Dodds for me, okay?"

"Will do, Lieutenant," Fin promised with a grin.

When they both stood up and Olivia got ready to leave, Fin gave her one last word of advice.

"Liv? Don't let him hurt you again."

She bit her lip. She shared Fin's concern. She knew Elliot wouldn't hurt her intentionally. In fact, he'd never hurt her intentionally, but he _had_ hurt her. A lot. Just like she had hurt him. And she didn't know what was going to happen now. She was going to help him, there was no question there. At what cost to herself, was something she was going to find out. She gave Fin a small smile and left the break room to make her way to the hospital again. To Elliot. The new Elliot, who was still so much the old Elliot that it almost made her heart stop at times.

...

 **Coming up: More EO and John Munch comes to visit!**


	21. Lunch

**21\. Lunch**

Olivia stopped by her apartment because she realized she'd forgotten her books. Days at the hospital crept by so slowly without any distraction, and she knew Elliot needed a lot of sleep. Still, she wanted to go as early as possible and Dodds junior had actually saved her a trip to 1PP so she walked into Elliot's room, coffee in hand, by 11 pm. Greg Daniels was just leaving and smiled at her. Olivia walked up to Elliot's bed and could tell immediately that he was tired. He'd just done his morning exercises no doubt, and she was a little disappointed. She had hoped they could catch up on Kathleen's visit to the hospital as well as to her.

"Hey," he said, his voice soft and raspy and managing a smile.

"Hey. Looks like I caught you at a bad time."

She put her coffee on the nightstand.

"It's never a bad time to see you," Elliot answered, holding out his hand to her.

She placed her hand in his and leaned against the bed. Elliot still looked so vulnerable, but at the same time he had such a powerful presence. She wondered if it was the same for everyone else or if it was just her. She'd always been able to sense his presence, even in a crowded room. She'd even wondered sometimes if she'd sense him if he'd be near her unexpectedly, and if they might one day just run into each other by chance. That it had happened so literally was something she still found incredible. Yet here they were, holding hands as if they had always done that, and smiling at each other, each caught up in their own thoughts.

"You wanna get some sleep?" she asked him, wondering if it would be out of line to caress his face.

He nodded only slightly and she could read so much in his eyes, even now that they were half closed. Their connection was there and growing, even without his memories. She could see the apology in his eyes that he was so tired and she sent him her reassurances the same way. His eyes slipped shut as the corners of his mouth tugged up. Olivia felt a pull towards him that was almost too strong to resist. She wanted to touch him. Caress his cheek or kiss his forehead, or both. She'd only ever felt this way with Noah and it took an effort to stay still and eventually pull her hand out of his grasp and step away from the bed.

Olivia took a deep breath and picked up her coffee. She got settled in the comfortable armchair and pulled her book out of her bag. There would be time, she told herself. They both weren't going anywhere for quite a while.

...

She must have dozed off as well, because she jolted upright when a nurse put a hand on her arm and shook it gently.

"Miss. Miss."

"Yeah, I'm up," she sighed, grabbing her book before it could slide off her lap.

"I'm sorry but we're serving lunch now and Mr. Stabler asked me to wake you so you could eat something too."

Olivia looked up at Elliot's bed and saw him, wide awake, sitting up in bed and smiling at her. She couldn't believe she had fallen asleep in the chair. She flexed the muscles in her shoulders and back and rolled her head from side to side.

"If you come up here I'll rub those kinks right out for you," Elliot said and she blinked a few times, looking at him as if she was seeing water burn.

The nurse just smiled and left them alone. Olivia stood up and spotted a bag from the hospital cafeteria on Elliot's lunch tray. She guessed Elliot had charmed the nurse into getting her some lunch from downstairs.

"Come on," Elliot said innocently, patting on the mattress next to him. "Park it. Don't tell me I never gave you a little massage before."

"No, you didn't," she said, wishing she could come up with something a little more original to say, but she was drawing blanks.

"Well, I should have," Elliot said firmly, placing his big hand on her shoulder as soon as she sat down on the edge of the bed. "Turn a bit? Yes, that's it."

Her back was turned to him and she felt his left hand knead her left shoulder. It felt so good that she relaxed into it, consciously blocking any thoughts about who was touching her. When he moved his hand to her right shoulder, she moaned softly. Elliot's hand stilled briefly and then continued, his thumb pressing on a particularly sore muscle, making her groan again. After about a minute, Olivia moved a little, indicating that she wanted him to stop. She didn't really want him to stop, but it seemed inappropriate so let the man work on her muscles while his bones had been broken because of her. He was still receiving pain killers through the IV in his right hand so he shouldn't wear himself out too much.

"Better?" Elliot asked, flashing an innocent smile when she turned to face him.

"Better."

"I had the nurse bring you lunch," Elliot announced, pointing at the bag on his lunch tray on the nightstand.

"Thanks. You shouldn't have."

Elliot shrugged and Olivia just let it go. She helped him place the tray in his lap and they ate quietly, chatting about what they were eating. It was such a normal moment that it took Olivia a while to notice that they were eating from each other's food, just like old times. Before she could comment on it, or even decide if she _wanted_ to make a comment, Elliot said,

"This is nice huh? Feels like we've done this a million times."

Olivia took a sip of Elliot's orange juice while deciding if she should or shouldn't tell him more about their past together. She didn't want to create the illusion of memories for him, but there was no denying that having lunch together was something utterly familiar for them.

"We have," she admitted. "And you always let me have your tomatoes."

Elliot's smile widened and something seemed to click in his head.

"I don't really hate tomatoes."

"I know, but you know I like them more."

"I do," he said. "I know you like them more."

The openness in his face and eyes was totally disarming and it helped Olivia to lower her defenses and open up a little too. She chuckled and picked up a piece of chicken from her own Caesar salad.

"Trade you for my chicken?"

Elliot opened his mouth without hesitation and Olivia popped the chunk of chicken in his mouth. She ignored the little electric shock she felt as his bottom lip grazed her thumb and felt like a lovesick teenager when Elliot picked up another slice of tomato and held it out to her. She leaned forward to eat it from his hand and when their eyes met, they both froze for an instant. Olivia quickly took the bite and started chewing while she moved back a little. They never broke eye contact and when Elliot took a breath to say something, Olivia knew something completely unfiltered was going to come out of his mouth. And the look in his eyes made her heart skip a beat even before she heard the words.

"I so want to kiss you right now."

...

 **Dun dun. (Sorry, I love that sound.)**

 **I know I promised you Munch, and he really is coming. When he does, you will wish he'd waited just a bit longer ... (heheheh) Review?**


	22. Munch

**I was very unsure how I wanted this chapter to go. A kiss or not yet? More than one? I hope you'll be satisfied with what I made of it. (I'm not sure I'm completely happy with the end result.) Do let me know if they are (or rather, Olivia is) still in character.**

...

 **22\. Munch**

 _"I so want to kiss you right now."_

She should have known. Filter-less Elliot was going to say out loud every single thing they'd always kept to themselves. Their boundaries didn't exist for him and if he kept this up, she was in for an intense ride. Not that it hadn't been intense before. But while Elliot was unknowingly ripping the band-aid off of all her old wounds, she was the one with the built-up frustration, pain and fear of years. Her utter shock must have registered clearly on her face, because she could see doubt rise up in his eyes. He was wondering if he'd made a mistake by just blurting out what he was thinking. Had he? Or was he on to something?

She'd hesitated too long and Elliot was pulling back. It was a reflex to lift her hand to his face and place her palm against his cheek.

"El."

Elliot stilled, not moving back further and not moving forward again. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. Olivia held her breath. Everything she had ever wanted was right here, in the palm of her hand. All she had to to was take it. But what if ... what if. Damn those what-ifs that wouldn't leave her alone. His eyes opened and she was mesmerized by all the shades of blue and grey in them. And the question that seemed to be oozing from them.

"I know you're the one Liv. You _have_ to be or I wouldn't feel this way. But do you know it too?"

There was hope and pain and love and sadness in his eyes and he seemed to be reverting to the Elliot she'd known for so long. She'd seen exactly the same in his eyes then. The pain and powerlessness had often translated into anger but the look in his eyes was basically the same. Part of her didn't want him to become that man again, and that meant she couldn't be that woman anymore that she used to be. If she really wanted things to be different this time, _she_ would have to be different. Drop the pretense. Drop the filter. Just admit the unadmittable. Say the unsayable. And do the unthinkable.

Her hand moved from his cheek down to his neck, and she wrapped her fingers around the back of his neck. Her fingers were tingling at the contact. She'd dreamed of touching his skin so often. Elliot's eyes were staring into hers and hope was overriding the doubt and sadness in them now.

"Please understand," Olivia said softly, almost whispering. "I can't just forget everything like you have."

She pulled him closer to her until their foreheads were touching.

"Was I that bad?" Elliot asked equally softly, placing his hands on her thighs and rubbing them gently.

"We both were," Olivia said with a sad smile.

"Tell me about that later?"

"Okay."

"Can I kiss you now?"

Her breath hitched but she was determined not to pull up that wall again.

"Yes."

Her eyes drifted shut when they both tilted their heads and she could feel Elliot trembling almost as much as she was when their lips brushed against each other. Her heart was almost beating out of her chest. They both breathed out simultaneously and Elliot finally pressed his lips to hers. He was soft and strong, exactly like she'd expected, but not intrusive. And when he pulled back after a few seconds, she was reminded again of how much he'd lost along with his memory. In her fantasies, he would be passionate, almost trying to overpower her and they'd struggle to get close to each other, both equally determined to keep the upper hand. But this Elliot was tentative. Careful. Gentle. Almost afraid. Maybe he was beginning to realize just how complicated they had always been.

He was smiling hesitantly, probing her eyes for a reaction. For confirmation, she realized. She wanted to give him confirmation that she did want this with him, despite all the things that were still to be discussed, and smiled a real smile, albeit a little hesitantly. Elliot let out a shaky breath, clearly relieved that he hadn't spooked her too much.

"I dreamed about you again last night Liv. And I was really angry with you for some reason. I just needed to know that _that_ was _not_ an actual memory."

Olivia was going to tell him that it most likely was, but they were interrupted by a firm knock on the door. It opened immediately after that and Olivia moved back a little and dropped her hand into her lap, where Elliot's hands were still resting on her thighs. When she saw who it was, appearing from behind the door, she sighed his name.

"John!"

"Olivia," John Munch said, approaching them.

She could tell he'd made a quick assessment of the situation, the detective in him always at work, and he winked at her when she stood up to greet him.

"I'm so glad you could come," she told her old friend sincerely while giving him a hug. "Come and meet Elliot."

She grabbed Munch's hand and pulled him along with her towards Elliot, who was looking at them both with great interest.

"John?" he asked. "Fin's partner?"

Olivia's mouth fell open in surprise. Where had that come from?

"This guy Fin was here last night," Elliot clarified, "and he told me a little bit about the unit where I used to work. He mentioned a John as his partner."

"Guilty as charged," Munch answered, extending his hand to the man in the hospital bed. "It's good to see you, Elliot, although I wish it had been under better circumstances."

Elliot shook his hand and said,

"Yeah, so do I. But Liv is taking good care of me, John."

"I'm sure she is."

Much looked at her over the rim of his glasses and she smiled shyly. He'd seen enough when he came into the room to know they were already becoming close again.

"This is a woman you can trust with your life, Elliot. Never doubt that for even a second," Munch stated solemnly.

"I know," Elliot said, giving Olivia a wide smile.

The tender look in his eyes could melt her heart. She knew they had a lot to discuss and he'd come to realize eventually that they had, in fact, gotten very angry with each other over the years. If that dream meant another memory had come back to him, she wasn't sure if she should be happy or worried about that. She shook her head when the what-ifs started assaulting her brain again. No what-ifs. This was a new situation with new parameters.

Olivia tried to focus on Munch and Elliot, who were chatting a little now. She busied herself picking up what was left of their lunch and straightening Elliot's covers while listening to both men. Munch gave her a knowing smile and she felt a blush creep up her cheeks. The older man had always been on to her, even when Fin had still been in denial fiercely. Fin would never become Elliot's biggest fan. The two hotheads were simply incompatible. And that was part of the reason why Fin had refused to believe or understand that Olivia actually cared deeply about her partner. Even when he saw her falling apart after Elliot's abrupt departure, he'd been convinced she was better off without him. She had been pleasantly surprised by the change in his attitude and she wondered if it had to do with Fin's visit to the hospital the night before.

Munch on the other hand, knew that matters of the heart were not easily manipulated. He'd always been an staunch supporter of investigating everything, including feelings that should or shouldn't be there. And while his own relationships hadn't lasted, he still believed in true love. And aliens. And government cover-ups. Elliot's laughter filled the room and Olivia knew Munch was up to his old tricks again.

"Is he always like this?" Elliot asked her, still grinning but clutching his sore ribs that would no doubt hurt from laughing like that.

Olivia looked at her old friend and smiled.

"Yeah. He's unique. Is he trying to convince you that your amnesia is a result of secret testing by the government, or a ploy to make sure you didn't return to the NYPD?"

"Do not underestimate the power of Big Brother, Olivia," Munch warned her quite seriously.

"Sure," Olivia chuckled, pulling up a chair for Munch and gesturing at him to sit. "Next you're going to tell me that IAB has been behind it all along."

"I wouldn't put it past them," Munch replied seriously and Olivia's smile faded.

"Don't act like you don't know that Tucker pushed Elliot to retire Olivia. No one at IAB can be trusted. Well, aside from Cassidy of course."

Olivia rolled her eyes. Munch would always stand up for his old partner, no matter how different he and Brian were.

"Guys," Elliot said, looking between the two people next to his bed. "Enlighten me. Who are Tucker and Cassidy?"

...

...

 **I know our couple is getting interrupted a lot, by sleep as well as other people, and that they have a lot to discuss and work out. It's all coming, I promise. I just don't know when yet. It's kinda like real life, huh? Oh, almost forgot. Dun dun!**


	23. Angry

**Munch is here, yey! A little recapping goes a long way, so here we go. The case of the missing memory.**

...

 **23\. Angry**

Munch glanced at Olivia and back at Elliot. Olivia wondered if it was really such a bad thing that Elliot didn't remember Tucker or Brian. But he deserved an answer. He was feeling like an outsider every day as it was, and she didn't want to add to that feeling.

"Cassidy was my partner at SVU for a while," Munch clarified. "He's quite a bit younger than me but he's a good kid."

Olivia smiled at the reference. Brian was well into his forties by now, but to Munch, he'd always be a kid. When Munch continued, Olivia decided that it wasn't necessary to mention that she'd had a relationship with Brian for a while.

"After moving around units and precincts for a bit, he ended up at IAB. He reported to Tucker, who was assigned to our unit, among others. You know what IAB is, right?" Munch asked.

Elliot nodded.

"I've read a few things about the NYPD. IAB are the guys that investigate cop-involved shootings and go after corrupt cops."

"And not so corrupt cops. In fact, they seem to go after everyone that does anything significant, to check if everything was done by the book. They were on your case a lot, Elliot."

"No!" Elliot said, feigning shock. "Don't tell me I wasn't a by-the-book kind of cop!"

Olivia cocked an eyebrow and Elliot winked at her. She gathered he knew perfectly well that he hadn't always played by the rules of the game.

"Well, I see you haven't changed that much," Munch observed. "What else do you remember so far, detective?"

Elliot had been looking at Olivia, who was standing at the foot of the bed, but when Munch called him detective, his eyes flicked back to the older man. He frowned slightly and then shook it off and scrubbed the stubble on his chin with his hand while he thought about the question.

"Olivia. I remember her," he said.

"What do you remember about her exactly?" Munch prodded. "Because if you'd remember her completely, I'd say you were cured of your amnesia."

"John!" Olivia whispered but Munch held up his hand.

"I mean it Olivia. What could he have left to remember if he remembered every part of his life that you played a role in?"

The man had a point. She'd basically been a part of every aspect of his life since becoming his partner, whether she'd wanted to or not. She was curious what Elliot was going to tell Munch now. He hadn't told her the details of his dream yet. Elliot seemed to be contemplating what to tell the older man by his bedside.

"Ever since I met her, I've been dreaming little snippets about her," Elliot told Munch, "and she tells me that what I dream, are things that have actually happened. So I'm dreaming memories."

"I should have brought a note pad," Munch mumbled, checking his vest pockets but coming up empty.

Olivia grinned. Munch was taking the case of the missing memory very seriously.

"That's okay John, it's not that much yet," Elliot said. "And I doubt there is anything anyone can do to make them more."

"I beg to differ, detective," Munch said, wagging his index finger. "Seeing Olivia again has jogged your memory. There may be more ways to do that."

Elliot looked at Olivia and she shrugged, a small smile playing on her lips.

"Alright, I'll give you a list, detective John Munch," Elliot said.

"Actually, it's Sergeant now, and I'm retired."

"Apologies, Sergeant."

"Not necessary. Please, begin."

Elliot told Munch about his very simple first dream, in which he and Olivia were walking the streets of New York with a Styrofoam cup of coffee in their hands. Then he told him about the dream in which Olivia was cut by Gitano, and explained that he'd dreamed the first part of that dream many times, but the second part had been added after meeting Olivia.

"This was that time at the bus terminal, yes?" Munch asked Olivia, who just nodded, her eyes still fixed on Elliot's face.

He seemed haunted by the memory even now and was looking at her with such an intense sadness in his eyes that Olivia wanted to look away. Only she couldn't.

"I knew then that I've been looking for Liv all along," Elliot added, his voice soft and hoarse and his eyes still trained on Olivia's face.

Munch just nodded and remained silent while Elliot and Olivia had a brief wordless conversation, during which she reassured him that she was very much alive and wasn't going anywhere. After a few long moments Munch chuckled.

"You two used to do that all the time. Are you sure you don't remember any of that, Elliot?"

Elliot was still staring at Olivia, and she glanced at Munch, wondering if Elliot was perhaps having another flashback to a real memory.

"Sometimes I ... I _feel_ things," Elliot said pensively, and he finally broke eye contact with Olivia to look at the man next to his bed. "Those feelings are like memories too, only not of things that have happened. It's like ... like _knowing_ someone without remembering how you got to know them. Is that even possible?"

"Nothing surprises me anymore, Elliot. The human mind is an intricate machine, or, as Marilynne Robinson puts it, _'an anomaly that in its wealth of error as well as of insight is exceptional, utterly unique as far as we know, properly an object of wonder'._ So if you say you _know_ Olivia, I believe you do."

Elliot nodded, although the quote Munch had used was a little confusing. He looked at her again when he continued.

"Last night I dreamed that I was angry with Olivia. And not just a normal angry. I was livid. Blaming her for something. I ... I feel like I've hurt her but I don't want to hurt her."

Munch's eyes moved from Elliot to Olivia and back, and he suppressed a sigh.

"Well, it was what you did. Both of you. We seem to be inclined to hurt the ones we love the most. Some say it's because familiarity breeds contempt. Others will say we let go of our restraints when we feel safe and know the other person will still love us afterwards. In your case, I would definitely say the latter was in order most of the time."

Olivia closed her eyes briefly, letting Munch's words sink in. She remembered that time on Elliot's stoop, when he'd admitted to her that he needed space to disagree with her without having to worry it would cost him their partnership. They were masters at disagreeing about anything and everything and still remaining close. But they only let go of a certain kind of restraint around each other. The other kinds were way too dangerous. Letting go of those restraints _would_ have cost them their partnership, and their friendship. The underlying frustration had only fueled the disagreements they did have. She wondered which argument Elliot had dreamed of exactly, and before she could ask him, Munch asked about it for her.

"What do you remember from that dream, Elliot? Do you know where you were?"

"No," Elliot said, frowning while he concentrated on the memory. "It was some kind of hallway and there were other people around. Someone actually broke up our argument. It ..."

Elliot stopped talking abruptly and his eyes went a little wide.

"I think it was our boss."

Olivia felt a chill shoot up her spine. He wasn't just remembering her now, but other people around them.

"Do you remember what was said?" Munch asked quietly.

"I think ... I think I blamed Olivia for ... for getting cut by that creep. Gitano was it? Now why would I blame her for that? Was I always such an angry person?"

...

 **(Dun dun)**


	24. Headache

**A little later than I had planned, but here is the next chapter.**

...

 **24\. Headache**

"I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you, Elliot, but yes. You were a very angry person at the time."

Elliot heaved a sigh at Munch's words.

"I've been frustrated a lot over the past four years and I felt this ... _something_ bubbling beneath the surface. I've learned to accept that life is what it is, but I think I've always known that I wasn't that way before."

Elliot looked up at Olivia again.

"And you put up with me for over twelve years?"

Olivia gave him a half smile and shrugged. She would have put up with him for another twelve years.

"I was your partner."

"For better or worse?"

The words struck her and she remembered when Elliot had said them to her years ago, about a year after becoming her partner. _I'm your partner, for better or worse._ And he had been, just like she had stood by him at all times. Munch must have noticed that Olivia was at a loss for words for the moment, and chimed in again.

"You'd take a bullet for each other, Elliot. It doesn't surprise me that Olivia is the one to open the door to your lost memories. In fact, she deserves to be the one."

Olivia looked at Much, blinking to keep a few tears at bay and he gave her an encouraging nod.

"But why was I so angry with you then? In my dream?" Elliot asked.

Olivia took a deep breath. She knew they'd talked about it afterwards, but in that moment, when Elliot had blown up at her in the hallway of the station, he hadn't been rational. He had basically blamed her for not doing her job, and for making him run to her in stead of the boy they were trying to save. He had later admitted that she hadn't _made_ him do anything, and it had been his choice to choose her over the job, like she had chosen him later on at the warehouse. They had both known in that instant, that they loved each other too much. And they had ran from it. She had ran physically, while Elliot had distanced himself from her emotionally, eventually ending up getting his estranged wife pregnant again and moving back home.

"It's difficult to explain El. We ... we just lashed out at each other when something was bothering us. We talked about it later so it's alright."

"No," Elliot said firmly, shaking his head. He seemed almost annoyed at how she tried to dismiss the argument. "It's not alright. And I don't think there was something trivial bothering me. The intensity of my rage was ... it was more than just anger and it wasn't just directed at you."

Elliot put a hand to his forehead and Munch glanced at Olivia before asking him,

"Are you feeling alright Elliot? Do you need something to drink?"

Elliot's face scrunched up for a second as if he was in pain.

"Headache," he choked out and Olivia rounded the bed quickly to feel his forehead.

His fever had gone down overnight but it wasn't gone completely yet. But he wasn't burning up. In fact, his forehead felt cold and clammy and his face was turning white as a sheet. Olivia looked at Munch, who nodded and stood up to get someone to check on Elliot. Elliot groaned and his eyes were squeezed shut. Olivia wondered if he was having an acute migraine attack. She knew that would be completely debilitating. She rubbed his back while Elliot held his head with both hands, rocking back and forth slightly.

"Breathe El," she encouraged him, "Munch is getting the doctor."

Her hand touched the bare skin of his back and she tried to cover up his back with the gown. But exposing his back was the least of Elliot's worries right now. Olivia finally decided to sit down on the egde of the bed on Elliot's right side, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Elliot leaned heavily on her, his left hand still clutching his forehead and his right hand holding on to her shoulder. His breaths were hitting her shoulder in short puffs and she worried that he might start hyperventilating from the pain.

When Munch returned with the doctor, Olivia tried to disentangle herself from Elliot. It took some effort to pry him off her and his eyes rolled back in their sockets when Elliot finally slumped back against the pillows. The doctor asked him what he was feeling exactly and all Elliot could choke out was 'headache'. Munch had walked over to Olivia and put an arm around her shoulders. She was trembling and couldn't bear to see Elliot in so much pain. She looked up at her old friend, who squeezed her shoulder comfortingly.

"What happened right before he got the headache?" the doctor asked them.

"He was telling us about a vivid memory," Munch explained quickly. "Maybe his brain is trying to shut the memory out because it was too intense."

The doctor checked Elliot's pupils and pulse again.

"Possibly," he answered. "Or the opposite could be happening and his brain can't process the memories all at once."

Olivia blew out a breath slowly. Could this really be? He was remembering bits and pieces of one of the most intense periods of their partnership. Could they really be forcing the door open to more memories? Or even all of them?

"Mr. Stabler," the doctor said, speaking clearly to try and get Elliot's attention. "I'm going to have the nurse switch the bag of your IV. You will receive a different kind of painkiller to combat your headache. It will take a while before you'll feel the effects but it's the best I can do right now."

Elliot grunted something and the doctor took off to get the nurse and give her instructions. Olivia took Elliot's hand in hers and rubbed the back of his hand gently.

"You'll be okay," she said softly. "You'll be fine El. You'll be fine."

Munch patted her back and then moved closer to the bed to lean over Elliot.

"Hang in there, my friend," he said gently. "We'll help you every step of the way."

Elliot's eyes were closed and he was frowning, no doubt because of the pain, but he squeezed Olivia's hand and opened his eyes briefly to look up at Munch.

"Thank you," he said softly.

His eyes closed again, and when the nurse came in, the Sergeant and the Lieutenant moved away from the bed to let her work. Olivia took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down. They were still being flung from one intense emotion to the other. From their very first kiss to this extreme pain within half an hour. But she could do this. She had to, for Elliot. She was grateful John Munch was there and she knew she could count on Fin and Cragen as well.

Elliot needed their old team now more than ever. And so did she.

...


	25. Shelter

**I typed fast to get this chapter out to all of you today, so I hope it won't come across as rushed. Just read slowly :)**

...

 **25\. Shelter**

Elliot had finally fallen asleep and Munch suggested to Olivia that they go get a cup of coffee and leave him alone for a bit.

"I want to be here when he wakes up," Olivia protested, but Munch told her she needed to take care of herself as well.

"You won't be able to help him if you don't take some time for yourself every now and then, Olivia. I know you'll want to support him 24/7 but you can't. You have to take care of yourself too, and you have a beautiful son who needs you as well. Come on. It's Olivia time now."

Olivia time. She smiled and gave in, accepting Munch's arm and walking out of Elliot's room with him. She had wanted to talk to Elliot so badly about everything Kathleen had told her, but ended up relaying everything to Munch over a hot cup of coffee at a diner near the hospital. Munch listened and nodded from time to time, and just let her get it all out. Her understanding of the kids and her anger at Kathy, who had tried to make sure Elliot would never remember her. And she told him about Bernie. Although she could understand that Bernie would revel in the attention she was getting from her son, she of all people should realize that he wasn't truly himself, shouldn't she?

"Well, I'm not so sure about that," Munch chimed in at last. "From what you've told me about her, she's all about being free and not being restricted by what other people expect from her. She would want her son to be free too, and in a way, Elliot has been released from a lot of burdens in his life now. Maybe she thinks he is more himself now than ever before. Any maybe she's right."

Olivia hadn't looked at it like that and was a little surprised that Munch would try to see things from the perspective of an unmedicated bipolar mother. She tried to understand the older woman too, but she was still a little disappointed that Bernie hadn't reached out to her. They had only spoken twice, but she knew that Bernie had liked her a lot.

"There's only one way to find out why she didn't contact you, Olivia."

She nodded.

"I know. Ask her."

"Yes. But maybe you should be focusing on Elliot for now, and on yourself and Noah. The rest of the world can take care of itself for a while, wouldn't you say?"

She agreed and checked her watch. She wanted to pick Noah up from daycare herself, so she only had about two hours left.

"You wanna head back?" Munch asked, and she said she did.

"Don't try to rush things, Olivia. Elliot already has so much to process," her friend warned her.

"He and I both," Olivia sighed as she pushed herself up from the table.

They said their goodbyes after Munch had walked her back to the front entrance of the hospital, and Munch promised her he'd be back soon. He would be staying in town for a while and gave her his new cell phone number.

"Call me anytime, Olivia."

"Thank you, John."

Munch winked at her and took off, and Olivia went back inside, hoping to find her old partner awake.

...

Elliot was still dozing a bit, but he did try to smile when he saw her standing next to his bed.

"Hey, how's your head now?" she asked him softly, almost whispering.

"Better," he said, "but I'm confused."

Olivia sat down on the edge of the bed, taking the spot that was quickly becoming hers, and rubbed his arm.

"Confused how, El?"

"All these thoughts and images in my head ... it's like I'm caught in a sandstorm or something. I can barely think straight, let alone make sense of anything."

"Would it help if we tried to focus on one thing together?" Olivia asked.

She honestly didn't know how these things worked, but she did remember how Dr. Lindstrom had helped her find some balance during their therapy sessions whenever she was spiraling down or felt overwhelmed by bad memories or flashbacks.

"Like what?" Elliot asked, and his helplessness made her heart go out to him.

"How about you focus on me first," she suggested, and she watched Elliot struggle to open his eyes wider to look up at her. He must have been drugged heavily to combat his headaches.

"Olivia Benson," Elliot said, and he actually managed the beginnings of a small smile. "The most beautiful ... beautiful cop in the city."

Olivia smiled as well and shook her head. She wasn't fishing for compliments, but was just trying to give him something to hold on to in the middle of the sandstorm inside his head. But she did appreciate the compliment.

"My partner," Elliot said.

"Yeah. I'm your partner."

"For better or worse."

She nodded, swallowing at his words, that meant so much to her.

"You've been hurt badly," he mumbled, reaching up to touch her cheek with his hand.

Olivia knew he couldn't mean Lewis. She stared into his blue eyes, that seemed very dark blue now, to find a clue as to what he was referring to.

"So alone."

Elliot shook his head and Olivia bit her lip.

"So beautiful and strong, yet so alone."

She took a deep breath and breathed out as slowly as she could. Was Elliot remembering or observing?

"And I couldn't ... I couldn't ..."

His eyes became so sad that Olivia had to look away. It was as if the impossibility of them was tangible between them, and it was utterly painful. Elliot seemed to be either feeling or remembering the pain of their impossibility and she didn't know how that had happened.

"I wanted to, but I couldn't Liv. You understand, right?"

Tears were glistening in his eyes and she wondered what he was remembering exactly. She was desperate for more information about how he'd felt all those years, but she needed to reassure him first. This wasn't the time for her to break down on him and ask for guidance. He needed her first.

"I understand," she whispered, not trusting her voice. "I understand El."

"I only made things worse."

A tear slipped from the corner of his eye and Olivia wiped it away gently.

"No El. You didn't. You were always there for me. You didn't make things worse at all."

She wanted to cry too but she had to keep this conversation going. Whatever it was that he was remembering, it made him see their relationship like it was.

"But I couldn't ..."

"Couldn't what, El?"

Elliot closed his eyes and let out a shaky sigh. He put a hand to his forehead then, and Olivia worried that his headache was increasing again. Maybe she shouldn't push him any further. He groaned and Olivia put a hand on his chest, caressing it gently.

"It's okay El. It's okay. I'm here and you're going to be fine. You can hide away from the storm with me."

Elliot dropped his hand away from his forehead and looked up at her, and Olivia leaned over him, placing her hands on his cheeks.

"Let me be your shelter for a while El," she whispered.

When she felt Elliot's arms move around her waist, she leaned into him, resting one elbow next to his head on the pillow and caressing his face with her other hand. She could feel Elliot relaxing and when he closed his eyes, she closed hers too. She moved her face next to his and rested her forehead on her own arm, brushing her cheek against his. Elliot's breathing was returning to normal and when he rubbed her back gently with his hands, she relaxed as well.

She was his shelter.

But in a way, even now, he was hers too.

...

 **Reviews are a writer's life line.**


	26. What I really wanted

**26\. What I really wanted**

They sat together in silence for a long time, holding each other and just breathing together. When they finally broke apart, Elliot looked up at Olivia. His eyes seemed calmer now than when she had first seen him wake up.

"I'm remembering things," he said. "Not really people or things that have happened, but ... it's like I remember my situation. _Our_ situation."

"Our situation?"

"Yeah. You and me. I know I ... I loved you but I couldn't give you what you needed because ... because I was married."

His eyes lit up after a brief pause.

"I remember now that I was married!"

Elliot's hands were still resting on her waist and he rubbed her sides gently.

"I couldn't give you any more than friendship ... but I wanted to Liv. I didn't want you to be alone all the time. You have to believe me."

Olivia was forcing herself to keep breathing. Her chest felt constricted. He had loved her all along. In a way, she had known, but she'd never allowed herself to believe it for the exact reason he was giving her now. He'd been married and she wasn't a home wrecker. Neither was he. He'd fought to keep doing the right thing.

"I believe you," she managed to whisper, caressing his cheek gently with a trembling hand.

"I couldn't break up my family. I'm not a cheater."

Olivia nodded, trying to keep her chin from trembling. It seemed like Elliot was telling himself some things about himself that were completely new for him and she needed to focus on him, not herself.

"Do you remember Kathy and the kids now?" she asked him. They still hadn't spoken about why the children had never contacted her or the squad. Maybe he'd remember more now about the situation leading up to the fight at his birthday party.

"No," Elliot said sadly. "I _know_ I was married, but I don't have any images or memories to go with that knowledge. All I know clearly is, it kept me away from you. From what I really wanted with you."

She didn't know what to say to that. She had never wanted to be the reason that his marriage would end and had kept her distance all these years. Except her heart hadn't listened to her reasoning, and had kept beating for him, even while she was trying to love other men. Before and after he left.

"You always tried to scare off my potential boyfriends, you know. So you did have a hand in keeping me alone."

Elliot seemed a little shocked and blinked a few times, but he didn't avoid her eyes.

"I did that?"

"Naturally, you wouldn't remember that part," Olivia muttered, and they cracked a smile at last.

"I'm so sorry that I hurt you Liv. I want to make it up to you," Elliot said earnestly.

"You just get well first, Elliot. Everything else can wait. How's your head now? You seem more awake."

Elliot looked down and reached for the controls of his bed.

"You want to sit up?" Olivia asked, but Elliot glanced at her with a clear message in his eyes. No helping. He was still Elliot.

"The head it better now," he told her after he was finally satisfied with the position of his bed. Olivia had scooted away from him a little and was waiting for him to continue.

"The sandstorm in there seems to have died down a little. It really helps to focus on one thing at a time. How did you know that?"

Olivia hadn't planned on telling Elliot about the last four years of her life any time soon, but she knew he'd start fishing as soon as she'd mention being in therapy. So she tried to work around it, explaining in stead that she dealt with a lot of people who struggled with trauma, and that she'd learned some techniques to help them calm down, like while they were giving an initial statement after an assault. Elliot accepted her explanation for the time being, and she was relieved. She didn't want to add any disturbing memories about her time with Lewis to this emotional turmoil she was in with Elliot right now.

When she glanced at her watch, Elliot asked her if she had to be somewhere soon. She explained that she wanted to pick up Noah from daycare, and Elliot asked her when she was bringing him over again.

"You want to see Noah again?" she asked, unable to suppress a smile whenever her son was mentioned.

"Yeah. He's a great kid. And he's someone I don't need to remember from before. That feels pretty good you know. To actually meet someone that doesn't know things about you that you can't remember yourself."

Olivia hadn't thought of that, but now that Elliot mentioned it, she could really see how disturbing it would be to have everyone around you remember things about your life that you don't know. It might even be frightening.

"I can bring him tomorrow," she said immediately. "It's Saturday so I'll have him with me all day. We do have some errands to run, and I want to take him to the park to feed the ducks, but I can definitely bring him in the afternoon after his nap."

Elliot was very pleased with their plans for the next day, and they agreed that they both needed some time anyway to chew on what he had started to remember and what that meant for both of them. Elliot told her he was going to ask the nurse to bring him a journal to write in, and Olivia thought that was a great idea. When Olivia stood up and started to say goodbye, Elliot looked up at her expectantly.

"Do I get a kiss?" he asked innocently, and Olivia couldn't help laughing out loud.

"I didn't think I'd see the day," she chuckled.

"What do you mean?" Elliot asked.

"Well, the Elliot I know, wouldn't have asked. He would just have taken."

Elliot raised an eyebrow and she could tell he was quite amused.

"I'm that kind of guy, huh? A real alpha male. I'll keep that in mind. But for now, I'm kinda helpless in this bed, so I'm asking this once, okay? Do I get a kiss, Olivia Benson?"

How could she refuse him? Olivia leaned over him and jumped a little when Elliot wrapped his left arm around her and pulled her close immediately.

"See, you're still that alpha male," she grinned, resting her palms on his pillow next to his head.

When she bent her arms to give him a peck on the lips, Elliot moved his right hand up and wrapped his fingers around the back of her neck. When their lips touched, Elliot was less tentative than the first time. His kisses were soft but more urgent, as he pulled her lower lip between his lips before kissing her again. It felt like there was an electrical current running through her veins. Olivia sighed, torn between wanting and fearing more of the longing that was ignited inside her. It was so new and it wasn't. It had always been there between them, but they had never acted on it until now. When Elliot tugged at her lip once more, Olivia gave in and stopped thinking for a few moments. They moaned softly together when his tongue found hers and after a few beats Olivia had to pull away to catch her breath.

"Wow," Elliot sighed.

"Yeah," she replied shyly.

"We should do this again real soon."

They both chuckled nervously and Olivia straightened her back and reached for her coat.

"I'll ehm ... see you tomorrow," she stammered.

"Tomorrow."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

"Bye El."

"Bye Liv."

"Say hi to Noah for me."

"I will."

...

 **Review?**


	27. Lonely

**27\. Lonely**

Noah was excited to go and see his friend Elliot again and Olivia felt something in her chest that she could only describe as pure happiness when she watched him gather his toys that evening, telling his stuffed animals and his dinosaurs all about Ewwie Ot and trying to decide who could come with them the next day.  
Olivia was sitting on the couch after dinner, sipping her tea and watching her little boy play. He was so uncomplicated and everything she'd needed when he came into her life. She had never thought she could love someone like she loved Noah. It actually made it more difficult for her to understand her own mother, but she gathered that the trauma of her rape, combined with the constant reminder of what had been done to her, had overshadowed the love that she no doubt had had for her daughter. How could a mother not love her own child? She'd seen it in Elly, a girl who had been destroyed by a lifestyle she claimed to have chosen, but that had eventually cost her her life. A girl who had given birth to the child of the ring leader who had broken her in, and who had been told her son had died. And she still only wanted the very best for her Noah because he was her child. Olivia wanted to honor Elly's memory by raising her son to the best of her abilities.

Serena Benson had tried to protect her daughter in her own way, by warning her not to flaunt her physical beauty, and telling her that all men were the same and not a single one of them should be trusted. After a while, Olivia had learned not to trust her mother either. She had learned at an early age to only trust herself, and when she became a cop and was allowed to carry a gun, it had become even easier to do. She could take care of herself. She was strong, well-trained and armed.

Only one man had ever managed to make her see that things could be different. After a while, she had lowered her defenses a little bit and he hadn't betrayed her trust. She hadn't let him in very far, but they had reached an understanding. They were partners. Benson and Stabler. For better or worse. They always had each others' back, always covered for each other an were brutally honest with each other. He'd been the only one she would feel safe enough with to blow a fuse and she'd taken his outbursts in stride, because they had this understanding. For better or worse. Semper Fi.

There had been something brewing between them for years. But they had never allowed it to grow into something, because it couldn't. She'd accepted that and she could live with it, as long as he was in her life. Her friend and confidant. By her side day in and day out.

And then he wasn't.

She'd been crushed when he walked out of her life without a word. All her defenses had gone up again and she'd buried herself in her work. It was what she lived for, after all. Not for him. Not for Elliot. No, for the victims. But it hadn't been the same without him. Without being able to show up on his doorstep to talk to him for just a few minutes after tough case and knowing he knew what she was going through. Knowing that he _knew_ her. Because that was what had made her not just be alone, but be lonely. After Elliot left, she had no one who knew her. Truly knew her. She didn't mind being alone, but the loneliness was killing her.

David as well as Brian had been an escape from the loneliness. It hadn't worked. Sure, she wasn't alone anymore, but she was still lonely. Because they didn't _know_ her. Not like he did. Any man she'd let into her bed would be nothing more than an attempt to chase away the loneliness. And they would all fail because the didn't know her. They weren't intertwined with her, like he had been. And they never would be. Maybe it was her own doing, because she wouldn't let them in. Brian had tried, he really had. He'd wanted to be there for her after Lewis, but she hadn't let him in. It hadn't been Brian's name she cried out silently when Lewis was taunting her. It hadn't been Brian she wanted to call to finish the bastard off. The one man on her mind, the one person who had ever truly known her, and who still would have understood her without words years after leaving her, had been him. Elliot. Her partner.

But he wasn't there. He hadn't come for her, not even when she made all the headlines. He must have known, she used to think. So she assumed he just didn't care anymore. He knew how strong she was. He must have thought she would be fine. She didn't need him. But she did. If ever she had needed him, it had been after she got away from Lewis. They'd all tried to help her and they had all meant well. She knew they cared about her, Munch, Fin, Cragen, Nick, Brian, even Amanda. But they didn't know her. Not really.

Elliot would have known what to do. How to treat her. Not with kid gloves, like everyone was doing. He would have known better. It had been a heartache on top of everything else, that she had still missed him so much after two years.

And now here they were and suddenly, everything seemed to make sense again. He had left her, but not for good. He'd tried to recover from his trauma and build a new life away from the job, but he'd been on his way back to her when fate had struck and had wiped his memory clean. He hadn't just abandoned her and he hadn't purposefully ignored her when she was the breaking news on all the channels in New York. He hadn't know it was her. He hadn't know, and the instant he saw her that night at the hospital, something had clicked between them, and he had started to remember. He _still_ knew her, and they were getting to know each other all over again. He remembered her. Not all the things they had said and done. Not all the crimes they'd investigated together. No, all he seemed to be remembering was _her_. Just her. Who she was and what she meant to him. He still knew her.

Noah had gotten up from the floor and was leaning against her knee.

"No cry momma," he said, reaching up to her face to wipe away the tears she didn't even know were falling.

Olivia smiled and wiped at her cheeks, setting away her empty tea cup.

"Momma's okay honey."

"Noah give momma a hug so momma happy again."

Olivia laughed through her tears and picked up her son, holding him close to her. Noah wrapped his little arms tightly around her neck and Olivia took a few deep breaths. She didn't know when or why she'd started crying but she did know one thing. With Noah in her life, and Elliot coming back to her, she would never be alone and she would never be lonely again.

...

 **Aaaww.**  
 **I thought it was important to write this to honor their history before we continue unraveling Elliot's memory. I hope you all agree!**


	28. George Huang

**28\. George Huang**

They had made an early start the next morning, so Noah would be ready for his nap early as well. Olivia had made sure to bundle him up warmly so he wouldn't get an asthma attack because of the cold winter air. He had been doing so well lately and she didn't want him to catch a cold. But she didn't want to keep him cooped up all winter either. Noah had the time of his life, feeding the ducks that had gathered together in the part of the pond that hadn't frozen over yet and like she had hoped, he started to get tired around noon. Olivia had explained to him very clearly that they would go to visit Elliot _after_ his nap and he went to sleep willingly after lunch, babbling happily about how Elliot was going to play with him with his dinosaur puzzle at the hospital.

Olivia decided to relax on the couch as well while Noah napped, and actually dozed off for a bit. She noticed she was beginning to relax more easily now that she wasn't swamped with horrifying cases and statements all day long. Elliot was on her mind constantly, but not in a disturbing way. It was like her heart was finally drifting back to a place of peace after she'd been restless for so long. She didn't know how much of Elliot's memory would come back to him eventually, but she did know that things had changed between them for good. They had actually kissed ... She'd never been so affected by 'just' a kiss before. But that was because it was Elliot. With Elliot, it wasn't just a kiss. It was the beginning of a completely new chapter in their lives. And it felt right this time. It had been wrong for so long, but now, it was right.

She was trying not to dwell on their kiss too much, hoping their new relationship would evolve without too much tension, but still her heart skipped a beat when she opened the door to his room later that afternoon and saw his beautiful smile. She smiled back at him and turned her attention to Noah, who ran over to the bed immediately, his arms stretched out as if he was asking Elliot to lift him up. Olivia followed her son quickly and only then she noticed that Elliot had another visitor. George Huang.

"George," she said with a smile, picking up Noah and putting him on her hip.

"On the beeeed," Noah whined, still reaching for Elliot and Elliot chuckled.

"Go ahead mom, Noah can sit with me," he said.

George had stood up and was rounding the bed. Olivia handed Noah off to Elliot carefully and then turned to George to give him a cordial hug.

"It's so good to see you," she said. "Thanks for coming."

"Not a problem, Olivia," George said, smiling. "Elliot makes for a very interesting study object."

Elliot smirked and Olivia could tell that he'd had a nice conversation with George so far. He didn't seem as confused as the day before.

"The doc here has put a few things in context for me and it's helping me to understand my memories," Elliot told her.

"Momma, puzzle!" Noah said urgently, and Olivia raised an eyebrow, looking sternly at her son.

"Noah, how do we ask for something we want?"

She knew he was excited but that was no reason to forget his manners. Noah got the message and tried again.

"Momma, Noah puzzle pease?"

She smiled and saw Elliot smiling as well, while he looked straight at her. If she didn't know any better, she'd say he was proud of her. She glanced at him again while digging through Noah's bag to find his dinosaur puzzle. He _was_ proud of her.

"Here you go baby," she said, handing Noah the box with his puzzle of choice.

"Thank you baby," Elliot said softly, making Olivia blush instantly.

Noah's laugther filled the room and all the adults chuckled as well.

"Momma not a baby, silly!" the little boy said, grinning at Elliot.

Elliot immediately admitted his mistake, confirming that he was silly.

"But you're not a baby either, Noah. You're a big boy," he said.

Noah nodded and stuck two fingers in the air.

"Noah two!"

"Wow, you're two already. You're not a baby at all."

Olivia's heart was melting. It was so sweet to see Noah and Elliot together. She looked at George, who had watched the little exchange with great interest as well. Elliot and Noah started studying the dinosaur puzzle together and Olivia took off her coat, tossing it on the foot of the bed. She set Noah's bag on the bed too, so he and Elliot would be able to reach it to get his other toys out.

"Sit with me?" she asked George, gesturing at the armchair.

George nodded and walked back to the other side of the bed to get his wooden chair, and set it next to the armchair.

"So, what do you think?" Olivia asked the psychiatrist softly once they were seated.

"Well, it is very interesting that Elliot only has clear memories of one specific day so far. He seems to be remembering more about his life in general, like being married and being a cop, but the only vivid memories are of that day of the incident at the bus terminal."

Olivia glanced at Elliot and Noah and could tell that Elliot was listening to them as well as her son. And that was perfectly fine, of course. They were talking about him, after all.

"I decided to piece together the rest of that day for him, to see if he would remember more of it," George continued.

"And?"

George wiggled his head and seemed to be doubtful.

"I'm not sure if he actually remembers more now, but at least now he understands the emotions he does remember from your argument in the hallway at the station."

"Oh."

It had been such an intense moment between them. She still remembered the raging fire in his eyes. The accusation in his voice. And the utter powerlessness behind it all.

"He was overwhelmed with guilt," George stated.

"Guilt? He blame me for screwing up," Olivia responded, hoping she'd kept her voice down enough so Noah wouldn't hear.

George smiled.

"That was what he said. It was not what he was experiencing."

Olivia waited, knowing that George had more to say.

"The incident at the bus terminal was the first time that his feelings for you got in the way so much, that it cost someone his life. His guilt over the boy's death was so enormous, that he needed to blame someone. He channelled his guilt into anger and directed that anger at you, the object of the feelings that had made him make a mistake."

"He seemed convinced that _I_ had made a mistake, that I was somehow incompetent," Olivia replied, remembering the huge knot in her stomach as if it was yesterday. He'd never, ever questioned her like that before.

 _So this is my fault?_

 _I can't do this anymore. I can't be looking over my shoulder making sure you're okay._

"Elliot had decided to run to you in stead of the boy, because he loved you. In his panic, he blamed you for that. He came to me afterwards and we talked about it. I explained all this to him before you and Noah came in."

Olivia looked at Elliot again. They had finished the puzzle and were now having a discussion about dinosaurs. He smiled at her and mouthed the word 'sorry' to her. She shook her head, letting him know that he didn't need to apologize.

"Why do you think that his first memories are of this particular day, Olivia?"

She turned her attention back to the psychiatrist.

"I ... I don't know. Why don't you tell me?"

George smiled again.

"What happened after you closed the case?" he asked her.

Olivia closed her eyes briefly, remembering their conversation on the bench at the hospital.

 _What about me?_

 _Otherwise ... we can't be partners._

 _You and this job are the only things I've got anymore._

 _What about me?_

"I asked Cragen for a new partner."

She swallowed hard and glanced at Elliot again.

"He knows," George said softly. "I told him earlier."

Elliot nodded at her but had to focus on Noah again then. Her son was introducing him to the three stuffed animals who had been chosen to come with them to meet Noah's big friend.

"So why do _you_ think he remembers that day?" Olivia asked George.

"It was the first time you both openly admitted that you loved each other. Or," George added with a slight chuckle, "as openly as you two would admit anything."

"I never ..."

"I know, Olivia. But what you did say, and your actions, in fact said that you loved Elliot."

"And Elliot's actions?"

"He told me."

"What?"

"The day after Ryan's death and your argument, Elliot came to talk to me. He told me then that he was in love with you."

...

 **Yes, he did. Off camera. Don't tell me he didn't. :)**


	29. Complicated

**After checking Fault (season 7, episode 19) so I could use the actual conversation between George and Elliot here, I realized I made a small mistake: Elliot visited Dr. Huang the next day, not the same evening. I corrected chapter 28 and this chapter starts with that corrected last line. So I'm a detail freak ... Alright, on with the story. Underlined print is from the actual show. The part in italics is a flashback. This chapter is especially for Peedy :)**

...

 **29\. Complicated**

 _"The day after Ryan's death and your argument, Elliot came to talk to me. He told me then that he was in love with you."_

Olivia's eyes had gone wide and she looked up at Elliot again.

"Sounds about right to me," Elliot said simply, after which he focused on Noah again.

Olivia blinked a few times and asked George,

"He just came out and said that?"

She couldn't imagine it. Not after the way he'd completely clammed up on her for the rest of the day. If anything, he had behaved as if he resented her. There had been absolutely no love lost between them on that day.

"Well, not in so many words," George admitted, "but yes. He confirmed it eventually."

George remembered that morning very clearly. It had been the first and only time that Elliot had come to him voluntarily, without being ordered to come in for a psych eval by his boss.

 _Elliot walked in without a word, his body tense and his jaw set, clearly struggling._

 _"I heard about yesterday at the bus terminal. It's terrible. I'm really sorry," George offered._

 _Elliot didn't respond, he just crossed his arms in front of his chest._

 _"You know, in situations like this ..."_

 _"Please don't tell me there's nothing I could've done. Thanks."_

 _Elliot walked away from him, turning his back to him._

 _"I was gonna say," George said,  "that in situations like this, there's no good choice. Every choice becomes a sacrifice."_

 _"Not true."_

 _"You had to choose between saving the little boy or saving Olivia."_

 _"Yeah, but she didn't need me," Elliot said, finally turning around to look at him._

 _" You didn't know that."_

 _Elliot was clearly uncomfortable, and was trying to find the right words to say._

 _"I wish I didn't ..." he started hesitantly._

 _"Didn't what? Didn't ... care so much? Elliot, that's what makes you a good partner," George said, avoiding the L-word for now, and walking up to the distraught detective._

 _"She made me turn away," Elliot said._

 _It was time to confront him, and George did._

 _"How? How does she make you do anything?"_

 _Elliot remained silent then. George could see the realization hit him. He knew now what had really happened and why._

 _"She didn't," Elliot admitted.  "It was my choice. Nobody else was responsible for it but me."_

 _Apparently, seeing this truth was enough for Elliot, and he turned towards the door, ready to leave, thanking the psychiatrist. He started to leave and George called his name. As soon as Elliot had closed the door to his office, George walked after him into the hallway, calling his name again. Elliot turned back around, shaking his head even before George said anything._

 _"Don't, please," he pleaded._

 _"Don't what, Elliot?"_

 _"Don't make me say it."_

 _George sighed, knowing exactly what Elliot meant. He'd be a horrible profiler and psychiatrist if he hadn't seen their partnership evolve over time into what it was now. They were trying to contain it, stop it from evolving any further but this case seemed to have brought everything out in the open._

 _"Why not?" he simply asked the detective._

 _Elliot shook his head more fervently, clenching his fists and looking down at the floor._

 _"No. I've already lost my family. I ... I can't lose her as a partner and a friend. I can't fuck this up too."_

 _"What do you think you would 'fuck up' as you put it by admitting to her how you feel about her?"_

 _Elliot took a few deep breaths and looked up at him at last, his eyes red-rimmed from unshed tears._

 _"Too much is changing too fast. I need ... I need us to be the same. I need her and the job to be the same. At least for now."_

 _"Do you think Olivia will understand that?"_

 _Elliot swallowed hard and then said honestly,_

 _"It's what we do. Understand each other without words."_

 _"When you're in love with someone, it's not something you can just shut off, Elliot," George said gravely._

 _Elliot nodded, looking anywhere but at the psychiatrist and biting his lower lip._

 _"I know. But this is not the time to tell her."_

 _George knew he couldn't and shouldn't push the tormented detective any further. He had basically admitted his feelings for Olivia to him, and most importantly, to himself. And that was more than he could have hoped for. He just hoped Elliot would be able to handle things going forward._

...

"I was the one who didn't handle things very well afterwards," Olivia said softly.

She felt a little overwhelmed. She finally knew for certain now what she'd suspected at the time, when Elliot had told her that she and the job were all he had left anymore, and that he didn't want to wreck that. She'd read him right then. He wanted them to ignore their feelings so they could remain partners and friends. He must have sensed that there was something between them that was very much mutual, but he hadn't been ready then. Neither had she. He wanted to stay her partner and she had ran.

"You left for a different unit for a while," George said.

"Yeah. Couldn't stay away for long though," she said with a chuckle. "But we both needed that break to find our bearings again after ... that."

"To be able to maintain the status quo even when Elliot was separated from his wife."

"Yes."

George shook his head wearily and Olivia smiled.

"Yeah, I know. We were stubborn non-communicating hotheads and we wasted so much time."

"Are you finally ready to move forward now?" George asked.

Elliot immediately turned his head to look at her and their eyes locked. It didn't take her very long to put into words what their eyes were conveying to each other.

"Yes, we are."

...

George offered to take Noah downstairs for a treat so she and Elliot could talk alone for a while. She appreciated that a lot and once George and Noah left the room, Elliot remarked,

"He's very nice. I can see why I'd open up to him, even if it was just a little bit."

"Yeah," Olivia said, moving Noah's toys to the side so she could take her place on the bed.

"We were a complicated pair, weren't we?" Elliot asked her, taking her hands in his.

Olivia chuckled. It was the exact word she had used to explain to him back then why she had left for a while.

"Complicated. That about sums it up, yeah."

"Did I ever apologize to you for that outburst?"

Olivia wiggled her head.

"In a way."

"Let me guess. Without words. Man, we must have been so tiring!"

Olivia lifted a hand to caress his cheek, willing herself not to avoid touching him now that she was finally allowed.

"A short while later, we faced Gitano together. He had disarmed you and had a machine gun to your head. He threatened to kill you unless I lowered my gun."

"Wow. What did you do?"

"I didn't lower the gun but kept him talking. You told me that I shouldn't make the same mistake you had made and that it had been your fault, not mine. You told me to take the shot, but I couldn't. The risk that either I'd hit you or he would, was too great. I just ... couldn't," she finished, whispering.

Her hands were trembling and she felt like she was right there in that warehouse again, faced with the very real possibility of losing Elliot forever.

"So how did we get out?" Elliot asked her, taking her trembling hands in his again.

"A sniper took him out."

Elliot breathed a sigh of relief, as if he'd been on the edge of his seat to know if he'd survived. Olivia forced a smile. She could tell him about their conversation at the hospital but maybe this was enough for now.

"We found the girl unharmed and the case was closed," she finished.

"Did we ever talk about things afterwards?" Elliot asked.

Olivia closed her eyes briefly, still wondering if she should tell him everything all at once.

"Liv?"

"Yeah. Yes, we did."

"And that's when you decided to take off to another unit?"

...

 **More soon.**


	30. I don't know much

**30\. I don't know much**

Olivia nodded, looking down at their hands in her lap. She caressed the backs of his hands gently with her thumbs and kept looking down while she told Elliot,

"You had made it clear to me that you weren't ready to take a new step with me. Like you told George, you needed me and the job to stay the same for the time being while you dealt with your crumbling marriage. And you ... you told me we could never choose each other over the job again, or we couldn't be partners."

Olivia took a deep breath and breathed out slowly before continuing, lifting her eyes to meet his when she spoke again.

"I needed some time away from you to come to terms with that. I didn't know if I could do it because ... I knew I'd always choose you."

Elliot's eyes suddenly filled with tears and he squeezed her hands tightly.

"You and this job are the only things I've got anymore," he choked out, and Olivia gasped, his words hitting her like a freight train, even harder than the first time she'd heard them.

"You remember?" she whispered, staring into his blue eyes, that now seemed haunted and full of pain.

"I remember saying that and ... feeling that," Elliot said, his voice trembling.

He let go of one of her hands, and brought right his hand to his right temple.

"Another headache?"

Elliot nodded.

"Just gimme a minute."

Olivia waited, holding his left hand between hers and rubbing it soothingly. Elliot was trying to keep breathing as if he hoped to breathe the headache away.

"Almost feels like the barrel of a gun," he sighed after a few moments, still rubbing his right temple.

Olivia remembered the impression of Gitano's gun on his temple and she wondered if this was a normal way of someone's memory coming back. After a short while, the headache did seem to let up, and Elliot looked at Olivia again.

"That moment I remember ... I felt like everything was falling apart and I was such a failure."

"You're not a failure, Elliot," Olivia started but Elliot held up his hand to make her stop.

"No ... Just let me piece this together. I had failed that little boy. I had failed my family and I had failed you."

Elliot was taking deep breaths and Olivia wondered if it wasn't too much at once for him.

"I needed you. More than anything or anyone I needed you next to me on the job, to keep me grounded. So I ... I had to choose being your partner over anything else."

"You're remembering all of this?" she asked incredulously.

Elliot leaned his head back against the pillow and looked up at the ceiling. His breathing was still off and Olivia doubted his headache was really gone.

"It's like ... I remember my part of it but none of the other people involved. Except you, of course. I remember needing you."

"And then I left."

Olivia bowed her head, still feeling shame at her cowardly move all those years ago. But she'd needed some room to breathe, to get away from Elliot's intensity for a while and find her balance again. To accept that despite what had happened between them, nothing was going to change. Yet.

"But you came back."

"Yeah."

She managed a small smile and Elliot gave her one of his own. He seemed very tired now, but he was still completely focused on her.

"When was this?"

"The spring of 2006, if I remember correctly."

"So why didn't we get together then?"

Olivia shrugged.

"That's something I'm hoping you will be able to explain to me one day. Shortly after I returned to SVU, I got involved in an undercover operation for the FBI and they whisked me away unexpectedly for several weeks. When I got back after that assignment, something was different."

"What?" Elliot asked but Olivia shook her head.

"I don't know. Maybe you'll remember one day. We were still a great team on the job but ... I dunno."

She shrugged. She wasn't going to tell him about Dani Beck. Or about Kathy asking her to encourage Elliot to sign the divorce papers he'd been holding on to for ages. Or about Elliot's attempts to move back home to Queens, which had eventually lead to another pregnancy, after which Elliot had indeed moved back in with his family. There was no sense in telling him all that, if he couldn't explain his side of those events to her.

"So I'm in love with you, separated from my wife and in stead of making a move on you, I get Kathy pregnant again?"

 _Shit_. He was already putting the pieces together. She looked at him wearily. It was their story. They had avoided this thing between them at all costs, to save their partnership. In retrospect, they had both simply been too scared to make the first move, worrying that they were reading each other wrong. Fearing that they would do irreparable damage to their friendship if they spoke up and the other person didn't feel the same way. And after Elliot moved back home, they had gotten comfortable again in their status quo. The boundaries were clear again. They were partners. Partners and friends. And that was all they were ever going to be. It was never going to happen.

"Well, I'm not making that mistake again," Elliot said decisively. "I just hope you'll still have me, Olivia. Somehow I feel like I don't deserve you."

Olivia finally smiled a real smile and scooted closer to Elliot on the bed.

"Yes, I'll still have you, Elliot. I've missed you ..."

She had wanted to say more but she choked up again. She didn't feel like her badass self at all lately. Maybe it was because Elliot had shed all of his filters, that she was finally allowing her emotions to come out as well. They'd always been so tense. It had cost them so much energy to maintain the boundaries between them. It was a relief that they didn't have to do that anymore, but the feelings were overwhelming at times.

Elliot sat up and reached for her, and she moved into his arms willingly, allowing him to comfort her.

"How's your head?" she mumbled in his neck while her arms moved around his waist.

"It's bearable," he mumbled back, his lips grazing the skin behind her ear.

Goosebumps broke out all over her shoulder and back and she heard Elliot chuckle. When she turned her head to look at him, her lips were suddenly covered with his. Olivia let out a small sound of protest, but didn't pull back. In stead, she granted him access when Elliot wedged her lips apart, and she drowned in a passionate kiss. She felt overwhelmed again, but not by sadness this time. Elliot's arms were around her and her upper body pressed up against his, and she felt incredibly safe and wanted in that moment. Elliot was pouring out all of his love for her, as if he was remembering all those years of holding back at once and was trying to make up for them in one kiss. They moaned together and Olivia held him just as tightly while they explored each others's mouths and their hands roamed their bodies, making as much contact as possible under the circumstances.

When they broke apart briefly for lack of oxygen, Elliot sighed her name over and over again, peppering her cheek and neck with small kisses until their lips found each other again for another long kiss. Olivia pushed him back until he hit the pillows and kissed him passionately, needing to let him know just how much she'd missed him. When they broke apart again, Elliot put his hands on her shoulders gently and held her so she wouldn't move away too far. His bright blue eyes were shining and his smile was wide. There was no sign of fatigue or a headache left.

"I heard this song once," he told her, his voice low and raspy. "It's like it was written just for me. For us. It says, I don't know much, but I know I love you. And that may be all I need to know."

Olivia's chin started trembling and she blinked fast to keep the tears at bay. She'd waited for years to hear him say those words to her. It was nothing short of a miracle that she was the only one he remembered after four years of total amnesia. He really loved her. He always had. And there was only one thing she could say to him now. Only one way to make sure it had all not been for nothing.

"I love you too."

Their eyes remained locked, and somehow she could tell that he knew it wasn't easy for her to say it out loud. But she'd said it, and now that it was out there, she felt laughter bubbling up from deep within her chest. She chuckled and when Elliot started laughing too, she didn't hold it back. They laughed out loud together, both feeling completely free to do so, possibly for the first time ever since they had become partners and friends.

...


	31. Failed

**FYI: I never know how a particular scene is going to turn out when I start writing it. Once again, I'm writing a lot more chapters than I had intended. Here is another one that I hadn't planned like this at all. Enjoy!**

...

 **31\. Failed**

They were still chuckling when George and Noah returned. Elliot sat back and took a deep breath. Olivia looked at him, concerned that he might have overexerted himself a little, but he gave her a reassuring wink while he pulled the covers over his chest. His eyes were so happy and there were butterflies in her stomach. Her lips were still tingling from their heated kisses. They hadn't exactly been careful with each other and Elliot's ribs had to hurt.

 _It's fine_ , he mouthed at her, and Olivia finally tore her eyes away from Elliot to turn her attention to her son. Noah was babbling excitedly about the treats George had bought him. He was still clutching a rather large marshmallow-like piece of candy, and his little fingers were all sticky.

"You shouldn't have," Olivia sighed, looking around for tissues.

"He wanted it so badly," George said by way of explanation as well as apology.

"And you just caved in?" Olivia asked with a smile.

She couldn't find any tissues and decided to drag Noah to the small bathroom before he'd get the sticky mess on his clothes, or hers. When she returned, George was saying goodbye to Elliot.

"You're leaving already, George?" she asked him, walking up to both men.

"Yes. I got a call earlier. I'm needed elsewhere. I won't bore you with the details. But I can see Elliot is in very good hands with you. And Noah of course," George added, ruffling Noah's hair.

"Candy!" Noah replied, holding out the remains of his huge sticky treasure, and they all laughed with the happy little boy.

They said their goodbyes and Olivia walked George out, thanking him for talking to Elliot and explaining a lot to him, so Elliot didn't feel so overwhelmed anymore.

"I can't promise you he won't be overwhelmed again, Olivia," George warned her. "But I'm sure you will be able to handle it together."

Olivia thanked the psychiatrist again and got a cup of coffee for herself and one for Elliot before returning to his room. Noah had climbed on the armchair and was telling his stuffed animals _and_ Elliot about what he'd seen in the hospital. Olivia set down their coffees and sat down on the wooden chair. She smiled, watching her boy.

"I wish you could stay," she suddenly heard Elliot say softly.

She looked up at him and found him watching her, his eyes half-closed while he tried to relax after their earlier conversations and activities.

"What do you mean?" she asked him.

"I don't like being here alone at night," he told her.

She was trying to get used to Elliot being so vulnerable but she was still surprised that he would admit to such a thing.

"I'm fine during the day, when there's some distraction, but at night I ... my mind is a mess and I get so confused."

Olivia stood up and put a hand on his arm.

"I can't," she said softly, almost whispering, and nodded in Noah's direction. "I'd stay if I could El, really."

"I know," he said softly and he smiled at her. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being here and not running away from ... this," he said, gesturing between them.

Olivia sat down on the edge of the bed and took his hand between hers.

"I'm done running. I'm getting too old for it anyway."

"You're beautiful."

Olivia's eyebrows shot up and she shook her head, smiling.

"I'm sure I didn't tell you that enough," Elliot said, smiling as well.

"You never told me that."

"Shame on me."

"No."

She shook her head.

"You were just being the decent, upstanding man you always were."

"I was married."

"Yes."

"Not anymore."

"I know."

"I know I loved you all those years ago, Olivia. I shouldn't have, but I did."

"I loved you too, Elliot. I still loved you when I came back from that undercover operation for the Feds, but we found a way to deal with our feelings again, and work together like before."

Elliot nodded, biting his cheek.

"I still don't get how I could get Kathy pregnant again."

Olivia chuckled and Elliot was quick to add,

"I _mean_ , why I'd go back to her and have sex with her."

Olivia shrugged.

"You never told me about it until ... until she told you she was pregnant. You believed it was yours so you must have done it. I knew you were struggling with the divorce and you missed your kids. You're a family man Elliot, all the way. You were really suffering. You felt like you'd failed them."

"They all grew up into pretty decent adults, as far as I can tell," Elliot mused.

"They did. You were a great father to them, Elliot, whether they and Kathy realized it at the time or not."

"She's a good mom."

"She is."

Olivia looked at Noah again, not knowing what else to say about Kathy. She _was_ a good mother. Always had been. She'd lived for her family, and now that Olivia had Noah, she could understand that even better than before.

"I did fail her as a husband."

Olivia looked at Elliot again, expecting to see sadness or bitterness or even anger in his features. But she didn't see any of that. Only acceptance. He could look at his failed marriage now and accept it for what it was.

"But she shouldn't have kept you away from me."

Olivia didn't know what to say. She wondered if Elliot was going to confront Kathy. Kathleen had told her she was going to talk to her mother, but she didn't know what Elliot had discussed with his daughter. She finally asked him, while keeping an eye on Noah,

"How did your talk with Kathleen go?"

Elliot grinned.

"Kathleen. If that girl's temper is any indication of what I was like ... She's so mad at her mother right now."

"She came to see me after she visited you."

"I know. Fin gave her your address. She really likes you."

Olivia nodded.

"The feeling is mutual. I'm glad she explained to me why they all decided not to contact your old squad."

"Me too."

Elliot told her about his talk with Kathleen, and how upset she'd been once she realized that he had basically abandoned his partner. She'd understood immediately that Kathy had kept Olivia away intentionally.

"She must have thought you'd really have another chance," Olivia said. "The job put an enormous strain on your relationship."

"Mabye," Elliot said, smiling when Noah suddenly tossed his dinosaur at him, and catching it with his right hand.

Olivia immediately checked his IV, but it was still plugged in properly. Elliot was still receiving extra fluids and antibiotics though the IV, and she wondered when he would finally be free to leave his bed, and possibly the hospital. Elliot handed the dinosaur back to Noah, who had hopped off the armchair.

"Thank you," Noah said politely and then he gave him mother his widest smile.

"Oh Noah," Olivia sighed, getting off the bed and crouching in front of her son. "I'm so proud of you!"

Noah giggled and she hugged her little man. Elliot was watching them and when Olivia looked up at him, he said quietly,

"Family is everything."

...

 **Dun dun?**


	32. I know You

**Sorry for the delay folks. I will have more writing time after the weekend!**

...

 **32\. I know you**

 _"Family is everything."_

Olivia nodded and kissed Noah on the top of his head before releasing him so he could go back to playing with his toys on the floor. She stood up and leaned against the bed, looking at Elliot. He'd said those exact words to her once before, when she had told him that she'd been alone all her life. Basically, she had admitted to being lonely, and he'd been kind and understanding. She still wondered sometimes how that conversation would have continued if they hadn't been interrupted by a call. Because no matter how lonely she had felt at times, she didn't when he was with her and it had looked like he was going to say something meaningful to her. But as usual, they hadn't discussed it again.

"So tell me, how come it's just Noah and you?" Elliot asked.

Olivia looked down at Noah and chose her words carefully so her son wouldn't be able to understand what she was saying. She'd tell him all about his mother one day, but not until he was old enough to handle it.

"His parents are both deceased," she said quietly. "We found him during a case when he was only a few months old and I fell in love with him instantly."

"Oh."

She gave Elliot a few moments to process what she'd just told him. He hadn't known Noah wasn't hers biologically. Elliot reached for her hand again and he held it gently.

"He couldn't have found a better mom than you."

Olivia smiled.

"How do you know?"

Elliot shrugged.

"I just do. I know you."

Olivia bit her lip. She knew it was true because she could feel it. Their connection was as strong as ever. _Stronger_ than ever even, with all of the tension and obstacles out of the way. He loved her and he'd told her, just like that. And even more surprising, she had told him she loved him, too. She had wanted to explain to Elliot how the judge had asked her to foster Noah and that she'd been allowed to adopt him just six months ago, but words failed her. It was as if the change between them was only now beginning to hit her. She felt her face flush and knew she was blushing. She had loved Elliot for a long time, but this _new_ Elliot was a little unnerving. She didn't know whether she should hope he'd regain more of his memories or not.

When she looked at Elliot again, he was smiling and the look in his eyes was so tender that she had to look away. She dropped her eyes to his chest and remembered what it had felt like to touch him when they kissed. Catching herself, she looked into his eyes again and could see that he had an idea of what she was thinking.

"So. There was never another guy?"

Olivia exhaled slowly at the question. It was quite sobering and Elliot deserved the truth.

"There was. There were."

Elliot squeezed her hand.

"Tell me."

There was no accusation at all in his voice and she still hadn't gotten used to that. She looked at Noah and saw that he had dug up his own sippy cup from the bag.

"Noah, that is so good of you," she complimented her boy, who turned around to look at her, his sippy cup at his mouth. "Just sit on the chair while you drink, okay baby?"

"Okay momma," Noah said before tossing the cup on the armchair and climbing up after it.

Olivia chuckled and shook her head. It wasn't exactly what she had meant but he was getting there in his own way. And his own way was the right way.

"See, you're a great mom," Elliot said.

Olivia took her place next to him on the edge of the bed, knowing he would expect her to tell him about her boyfriends.

"Well, a short while after you left, I met this very driven ADA. His name is David. I thought we were actually getting somewhere when our jobs got in the way. Conflicts of interest, and we hadn't disclosed. So we ended our involvement as if it had never happened."

"You say that as if it was a business decision. As if it didn't hurt like hell."

Olivia actually choked up at Elliot's blunt comment. His newfound directness was very confronting.

"It did," she admitted. "It did hurt like hell."

Elliot sat up a little and reached for her waist, caressing her side gently.

"I'm so sorry Liv."

Olivia just nodded, blinking and swallowing, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat. She hadn't expected it to still hurt after so long, but it had been so painful to have a man who had promised her that he wasn't going anywhere, choose a job over her.

"And after the ADA?"

Brian. Sweet Brian Cassidy. Thinking about him put a smile on her face. She did love him, just like she'd told him when they broke up. They loved each other but they just weren't meant for each other.

"I met a former co-worker during a case. He was undercover as a security adviser to one of our suspects in a big prostitution and murder case. I had actually hooked up with him once when we were both still young and new at SVU. He ... was familiar, and when he got shot I realized that I didn't want to lose him. We were together for quite a while. Even moved in together."

"So why did it end?"

Olivia took a deep breath and sighed. Why did things end with Brian? She decided to use Brian's own words to describe it.

"We weren't in sync anymore."

Elliot raised an eyebrow.

"What does that mean?"

"We just ... some things had happened and ... I don't know. We wanted different things from life. For example, I still wanted a family, and he didn't."

Elliot knew her. Too well. And right now, she wished he didn't. Because in stead of just accepting her explanation, and maybe continuing the conversation about wanting a family, he zoomed in on something else that she had said, that had piqued his interest.

"Some things had happened? What things?"

...

 **...**


	33. Daddy

**33\. Daddy**

Olivia felt her heart rate go up immediately and she tried to keep breathing normally. Elliot was instantly concerned, and was jumping to conclusions.

"Did he hurt you?"

The tone of his voice startled her a bit. Not because she had never heard it before, but because she _had_. It sounded just like the old Elliot, laced with concern and immediate anger.

"Nonono. He didn't hurt me," she was quick to say.

"So what happened?"

Olivia shook her head. She wasn't ready to talk about this in front of Noah. But her silence made Elliot only more agitated.

"Olivia."

"Elliot, please," she said as calmly as she could manage, and she nodded in Noah's direction.

She could see the conflict in Elliot's eyes. His concern about what had 'happened' was growing rapidly but he did understand that she wouldn't want to discuss a heavy topic with her son in the room.

"God, I don't know what to think now," he sighed. "I'm going to be thinking the worst."

Olivia looked down, knowing he wouldn't be far off the mark, thinking the worst. But what could she tell him to ease his fears? When she looked up at him again, she was confronted with an intensity that took her back to the past immediately. Without even knowing who had done what to her, Elliot was ready to tear them apart, limb by limb.

"El, I'm here now, right? Safe and sound? Don't go imagining things, it won't do anyone any good."

Elliot scrubbed a hand down his face and looked down at Noah, who seemed to be drifting off a bit in the armchair, his sippy cup still dangling loosely from his lips. He looked at her again but Olivia shook her head slowly. She wasn't going to talk about Lewis in front of Noah. She still wasn't sure how she'd react herself if she told someone other than her therapist about it.

"Just ... do you have access to the internet here?" she asked, suddenly thinking of something.

"Only on my phone. Why?"

Olivia hopped off the bed and scooped her bag up from the floor. She dug out her iPad and charger, and put them in the drawer of his nightstand.

"Google me after I leave," she said, and she hoped she had sounded definitive enough for him to drop the subject for now.

"You made the news?"

Elliot sounded horrified and she put a hand on his shoulder, in a feeble attempt to reassure him. But she knew he was going to freak out once he'd read about what had happened to her. Maybe it wasn't fair to drop that information on him without being there herself. She knew it was a cowardly move but she just couldn't tell him. Not yet. Not now.

Before Elliot could even try to make her change her mind, there was a knock on the door. It opened immediately and Greg Daniels' head peeked around it.

"Hi all," he said, walking further into the room. "It's exercise time for Mr. Stabler."

Greg walked up to Noah and crouched down in front of the little boy.

"And who might you be, sir? Are you here to visit your daddy?"

Noah opened his eyes a little wider and pulled his sippy cup away from his face.

"Daddy?" he asked innocently, and Olivia swallowed hard.

"This is my son, Noah," she said quickly and Greg patted Noah's knee before standing up again.

"Oh I see. He's cute."

Olivia smiled widely and moved aside to give Greg some room at Elliot's bed. She stood next to Noah and told him,

"Noah baby, this doctor needs to be with Elliot for a while, so we're going to take a little walk, okay?"

"Daddy?" Noah asked again, looking at his mother and then at Greg.

"No honey, come with mommy," Olivia said, feeling very awkward and not at all creative.

They hadn't talked about daddies yet. He was only two and she hadn't thought he would understand. She hadn't prepared at all how she was going to explain the concept of a father to him.

"Amy have a daddy," Noah declared.

Amy was one of the little girls from day care. Of course he would notice the children calling the men daddy who brought them and picked them up. Olivia felt stupid now. She should have at least tried to explain why some kids only had a mommy, and some only a daddy. She grabbed Noah's hand and tried to tug him along with her. Elliot and Greg were wisely pretending not to listen, and Greg was already removing Elliot's blanket.

"Noah have a daddy?" Noah insisted, still looking at Greg.

Greg looked over his shoulder at Olivia, an apology in his eyes.

"No baby, you have a mommy," Olivia said gently, but she was feeling quite nervous.

She was a master at interrogating suspects and had no problem turning a conversation around in the direction she wanted it to go. But this was no interrogation. This was her son, talking about a daddy he didn't have, and Olivia didn't have a clue how to turn this conversation around.

"Noah want a daddy," Noah said, his bottom lip sticking out a little, and Olivia knew he wasn't very far away from a toddler mini-meltdown.

"Alright," she said soothingly, "let's go and get a snack and maybe we can find a daddy in the hospital."

Noah started shaking his head fervently.

"No!"

Olivia blew out a breath and looked at Elliot, pleading with him silently to help her out.

"Hey Noah," Elliot said, and Noah turned around immediately to look up at the man in the hospital bed. "You wanna go get a snack for me too? And when you and your mommy get back here, we can see if we can find you a daddy."

Noah was thinking it over and Olivia looked at Elliot with a frown, but he just winked at her. Just when she thought Noah was going to come with her without an other argument, her little boy surprised her again.

"Okay Ewwie. _You_ my daddy."

Olivia's stomach dropped. She knew she wanted their budding relationship to grow and she wanted Elliot to be a part of Noah's life, but this was going very fast. Elliot must have noticed the slight panic she was feeling and just smiled at Noah.

"Just get me a snack first, buddy?"

"Okay," Noah said happily, and now he was tugging his mother's hand to leave for the hospital restaurant. "Come mommy. Leggo!"

Olivia couldn't help chuckling and glanced at Elliot over her shoulder while letting Noah drag her out the door.

"Liv," Elliot called out before she was out of the room. "Could you get me some underwear too?"

...

 **Review?**


	34. Hug

**I know this story is moving slowly, but we will get to Kathy, Bernie and the other kids eventually, promise.**

...

 **34\. Hug**

Olivia and Noah decided on a bag of potato chips and some fruits for Elliot, and Olivia bought a small bag of potato chips for Noah as well. She had a cup of tea herself and was pleased to see that Noah didn't seem bored at all. They had been at the hospital for a few hours already but her boy was very good at entertaining himself. Sometimes she wondered about him growing up as an only child, but Lucy as well as the staff of his day care center all assured her that he played with other children just as happily as he did alone.

His question about a daddy had startled her though. She was only just trying to wrap her brain around the possibility of a future with Elliot, and here was her son, basically asking him to be his daddy. She tried to shake it off, telling herself that Noah hadn't really known what he was saying, but the idea got stuck in her brain anyway. She could see it now. Elliot and Noah were so natural together and she trusted him implicitly with her son. He was still Elliot, with or without his memories.

She wondered how he would respond once he'd read what had been written about William Lewis on the internet. She had seen anger flare up instantly in his eyes. His entire demeanor had changed, almost as if he had transformed in a hulk-like manner, from his calm and collected current self to his angry, frustrated former self. It was all still in there and she wondered how they were going to deal with their tempers in a romantic relationship if more of the old Elliot resurfaced. Because really, she had more than enough old Olivia to deal with as it was.

During the second half of their partnership, Olivia had caught herself a few times, imagining what it would be like to have sex with Elliot. She had tried to suppress those thoughts but they were unstoppable sometimes. She knew the attraction was more than just physical, but that was something she had suppressed even more diligently. She'd first noticed those deeper feelings consciously when Rebecca Hendrix came onto the stage and Elliot showed an interest in her. Although Olivia had done everything she could think of, including picking up someone at a bar for a one night stand, she couldn't deny that what she was feeling was, in fact, jealousy. She didn't want Elliot to notice other women. She wasn't sure if she actually wanted him to notice her at the time, but there should be no room for anyone else, except his family and his partner.

When they'd crash in the cribs during cases that dragged on for days, she'd lay there, looking at him sometimes. She'd watch his chest rise and fall while he slept and she imagined what it would feel like to touch it, skin on skin. But she cared too much to actually do it. It was complicated.

And now, suddenly, it wasn't complicated anymore. All their complications had been buried in the past that Elliot had forgotten. He only remembered her and his feelings for her. His _love_ for her. Her stomach clenched at the thought. Would that love survive if more of their complicated past and his childhood demons would come back to him? Olivia had battled on and had found some answers to the questions in her life after Elliot left. Would the wisdom Elliot had found over the past four years help him to deal with his past if it did come back to him?

"Momma, we go back?" Noah asked her suddenly, pulling her out of her reverie.

"Yes. Okay baby. Let's see if the doctor is ready."

She remembered that Elliot had asked her to get him some underwear, and they made a quick stop at one of the shops in the hospital. She bit her lip while considering which size to buy him. She knew it would have to be a large size, and it would have to be able to go over his cast. Although simple briefs might have been easier for him to put on, she was pretty sure he was a boxer brief type. She actually hoped he was. So she decided to bring two large and two extra large boxers for him. She grabbed a few t-shirts as well and then they headed back to Elliot's room.

Olivia was surprised to see Elliot standing next to his bed, leaning against it. Greg was still there but they were done with the exercises.

"Hey. I was waiting for you," Elliot said, smiling warmly at her.

"Yes, he asked me if he could just stand a little longer, so he could give you a proper hug before getting back into bed," Greg added.

Olivia didn't hesitate. Elliot looked even taller than she remembered now that he was standing up, and she wanted to bury herself against his chest. She dropped her bag and her shopping bag and walked up to Elliot, who wrapped his arms around her immediately. It felt so good to feel him against her, even with his leg in a cast and Olivia closed her eyes, wrapping her arms around his torso as well. Elliot buried his face in her long hair and exhaled slowly, his warm breath on the skin of her neck making goosebumps break out all over her body. She was careful not to lean against his injured chest but Elliot pulled her closer to him and she gave in. It had been so long, too long, and she had to remind herself to keep breathing.

"I love you," Elliot mumbled in her hair and Olivia turned her head to kiss his jaw.

"I love you," she answered, resting her head on his shoulder.

She felt something tap against her leg and she looked down just in time to see Noah wrap his little arms around Elliot's right leg and her left leg.

"Noah too," he said happily and all three adults in the room chuckled.

Greg walked up quickly and picked Noah up, setting him on his hip.

"Hey big guy, what did you get for Elliot?" Greg asked him, and Noah actually fell for the distraction.

"Tater chips," he told Greg, "and apple."

Greg walked over to Olivia's bags and picked them up, quickly handing Olivia the boxer briefs while he and Noah checked out the rest of their purchases. Elliot grinned at Olivia.

"You wanna help me get one on?" he asked her, and his eyes twinkled mischievously.

Olivia untangled herself from him and unpacked one of the extra large boxer briefs.

"I'll help you step in because you can't bend that far, but you pull it up," she said sternly, trying to keep her cool.

But her cheeks were already burning because her mind was wandering to what was underneath the thin hospital gown. Elliot cooperated, fortunately. She wouldn't have put it past him to goof around a bit with her, but she guessed he was still in too much pain to take any risks of losing his balance. He stepped into the underwear gingerly while she held it out for him, and she helped him tug it up to his knees.

"It's gonna get tight from here," she said, and they both plucked at the fabric to move it up slowly, until it was finally above Elliot's cast.

Olivia took his hospital gown in her hands and pulled it forward, shielding him from any prying eyes, including her own, while Elliot finally pulled the boxer briefs up the rest of the way. Just when Olivia wanted to breathe a sigh of relief, Elliot leaned forward and whispered in her ear,

"You could have peeked if you wanted to."

...

 **Cocky Elliot is back ...! Reviews make me happy.**


	35. Promise

**Hi guys. I get that you all want longer chapters, but writing the story like this is much easier for me to keep up. You're getting at least three or four updates a week at the moment I think, so it is what it is! Some chapters may turn out to be longer because of the subject at hand. Just keep reading - or you can save up a few chapters and read them all in one go :))**

...

 **35\. Promise**

Olivia turned away from Elliot abruptly, huffing but finding no words to respond to his proximity as well as his suggestive remark. She was _not_ going to peek under Elliot's gown in the presence of her son and his physical therapist! She heard Elliot chuckle but tried to ignore him while she walked up to Greg and Noah.

"He's ready to get back into bed," Olivia told Greg, who put Noah down on the ground.

"He's feeling better, isn't he?" Greg asked with a grin.

Olivia just rolled her eyes.

"I got you two t-shirts as well, if you want them," she announced without looking at Elliot, pulling the shirts out of the pile that was now on the armchair where Noah had dumped all their purchases.

"I'd like that," Elliot said. "Just let me ..."

"Of course," Olivia interrupted him. He'd need to be sitting in bed first.

She didn't turn back around until Elliot was settled and covered with a blanket. She had a feeling he was going to be ditching his hospital gown soon, and when she turned around she was faced with his half-bare chest and another shit-eating grin. She shook her head but couldn't help smiling. He was getting to her and he knew it.

"Help me with the t-shirt, Liv?" he asked her innocently, and Olivia had a mind to toss the shirt at him and walk out of the room.

Even Greg was shaking his head now, and Olivia decided just to ignore Elliot. She asked Greg,

"When do you think he'll be released from the hospital? It would be nice if he could be out before Christmas."

"I understand that, and I think that will be possible, Ms Benson," Greg said. "Once he's off his IV, I don't think there would be any medical reason to keep him here any longer. He will need a lot of care though, because he obviously won't be very mobile for a while yet."

Olivia got that. The accident had only been four nights ago. Elliot would be lucky to be out within the week.

"I'll ask his doctor to drop by and bring you up to speed," Greg offered and she thanked him while he walked out of the room.

"Bye Noah," Greg said, and Noah waved happily at him with his stuffed dinosaur.

Olivia looked at Elliot again. He had clearly stayed in shape, and the part of his chest that she could see, that wasn't bandaged up or covered by his blanket, made her palms sweaty. She took a deep breath and approached him, a white t-shirt in hand.

"You're sure you're up to more movement after your exercises?" she asked him.

He did look tired but he assured her he could manage putting on a shirt.

"I want to get back on my feet as soon as possible, and it will help to be somewhat decent," he told her.

"You're not getting out of bed on your own!" Olivia said, realizing that he would probably want to try getting to the bathroom by himself.

"Liv, I don't wanna call in some young nurse each time nature calls," Elliot sighed and she thought he actually looked adorable right now.

"You poor baby," she said with a grin.

Elliot sat up a little straighter and Olivia helped him put on the t-shirt. He winced a few times and she knew his ribs were still painful. The shirt was a tight fit and she marveled at how his biceps and shoulders seemed to bulge even more now that he was dressed. Elliot was very tired and Olivia knew she and Noah would have to leave soon. But Greg had promised he would send the doctor, so she was going to wait for the doctor before leaving for the day. She explained to Noah that Elliot had to take a nap, and her son made her heart flutter when he asked if he could nap with Elliot.

"Ewwie Ot find daddy," he reminded them both as Olivia lifted him onto the bed, and Olivia actually felt disappointment at Noah's statement.

She had tried to tell herself that Noah wouldn't have known what he was saying when he said 'you my daddy' to Elliot. Now that it seemed to be true, she had to admit that she had really wanted him to mean it. Elliot was looking at her and she forced a smile. But she saw a hint of disappointment in Elliot's eyes as well. He'd been thinking the same thing.

"Do you know what a daddy does?" Elliot asked Noah while they both got settled in bed to take their nap.

Elliot's big arm was wrapped loosely around the little boy, who was snuggling up to Elliot's right side.

"Amy daddy pway with Amy and hug Amy."

Olivia stroked Noah's cheek gently and she could tell he was relaxing. He didn't usually nap twice a day anymore, but this wasn't an ordinary day for him and it was getting late in the afternoon.

"And what about Amy's mommy?" Elliot asked, looking at Olivia.

"Amy mommy work."

"Your mommy works too, right?"

Noah nodded.

"Lucy pway with Noah but Lucy no daddy."

"Does Lucy play with the dinosaur puzzle with you, Noah?"

Noah nodded again, his eyes drifting shut. He placed his little hand on Elliot's chest and patted it.

"Ewwie too. Ewwie daddy?"

Olivia swallowed hard. Her baby had no idea how hard he was pulling at her heart strings. Elliot held Noah a little tighter and they could tell the boy was drifting off to sleep. Olivia's heart skipped a beat when she heard Elliot say softly,

"I'd love to be your daddy, little man."

...

Their eyes met and they had a brief wordless conversation that held so much promise for the future. Olivia's hand moved from her son's cheek to Elliot's cheek and she leaned over to kiss him softly on the lips. She couldn't wish for a better father for her son than Elliot. She knew he was tired but she also knew he knew perfectly well what he'd just said, even if Noah hadn't heard him. They kissed each other slowly, as if they were trying to tell each other something. His lips were soft and gentle and a warmth spread through Olivia's body that she had never felt before. She deepened the kiss and when Elliot moaned softly, a want shot through her body that startled her a little. She shouldn't be feeling like this while leaning over her son ...

Elliot released her lips and looked up at her, a question in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Olivia whispered. "I'm ehm ..."

"Trying not to get carried away?"

"Yeah."

"Me too Liv," Elliot admitted, still whispering.

She kissed him once more, planning to stop before they'd both get too hot and bothered, when the door to Elliot's room suddenly swung open again. Olivia looked up and took a quick step back, away from the man in the hospital bed. It was a reflex. The timing was incredible, as if it had been scripted. Elliot turned his head slowly to see who his new visitor was. Olivia wasn't sure which one of the adults in the room was more shocked at this moment. She stared at the woman that stood frozen in the doorway of the hospital room, and who was staring back at her.

"Kathy ..."

...

 **Dun dun!**


	36. Kathy

**Thank you all so much for your support of this story. It means a lot to me so please know that, even when you don't hear from me personally. And now, a slightly longer chapter, yey! Couldn't cut this one up for obvious reasons. Enjoy!**

...

 **36\. Kathy**

"Mom, why didn't you wait for m... _oh_ shit."

Kathleen came barging into the room and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw the blonde and the brunette staring at each other. Her eyes flicked to her father and then to the little boy she could just make out behind him in the bed. She walked up to her father, giving him a quick kiss, and looked at Noah. She smiled and looked at Olivia, who was trying to come to terms with the fact that the person who had kept her and Elliot apart, was standing in front of her.

"Oh my, Olivia. He's adorable," Kathleen said softly, and Olivia finally looked at the younger woman.

She forced a smile and then looked at Kathy again. She did not want an audience for this conversation, that was long overdue. And she most certainly didn't want her son to wake up to people arguing. She rounded the bed and walked up to Kathy. Her voice sounded cold when she said,

"We need to talk. But not in front of my son."

She could see a hint of fear in the woman's pale blue eyes and it was enough for her to regain her balance and her sense of control. She walked right past Kathy out of the room, expecting the woman to follow her. Kathy did. Olivia walked to the nearest waiting area and then turned around and waited for Kathy to either take a seat of choose a place to stand while they talked. They both stood, and Olivia waited for Kathy to speak, because frankly, she had no idea where to start. She was angry and hurt, she wanted to punch the woman and she wanted answers. She _needed_ answers, desperately. What had she done to deserve this? To be shut out by the entire Stabler family just like that?

"Olivia, I ..." Kathy started, wrapping her arms around herself and looking past Olivia at the vending machine behind her. "Kathleen told me that Elliot has started remembering some things and ... and she gave me an earful about how I shouldn't have shut everyone at the NYPD out when he lost his memory."

"I would _really_ like to know why you did that," Olivia said slowly, making sure that she would sound neither upset nor desperate. She was pleased with how cold she was sounding. "Why you felt it was necessary to keep all of us away from him."

She was very careful not to talk about herself, only about the squad. If it had been personal, Kathy would have to be the one to admit that. She wasn't going to ask her.

Kathy blew out a breath slowly and then looked at her defiantly.

"I wanted a fresh start with Elliot. As his _wife_ , I think I had a right to want that."

"And you couldn't make a fresh start with him if his former co-workers were in his life?"

Kathy's eyes went a little wider while Olivia squinted at her, daring her to be the first one to look away.

"Did you really think that we, or his job, were what screwed up your marriage?"

Olivia could feel the anger growing inside her and she clenched and unclenched her hands by her sides, willing herself not to raise her voice any further. Kathy had dropped her arms as well and was also balling her hands into fists.

" _Elliot_ was going to screw everything up!" she yelled, and Olivia smiled inwardly that Kathy was the first one to raise her voice. It gave her the strength to drop her voice when she replied,

"And how was he going to do that?"

Kathy seemed to realize her mistake, having said more than she had intended, and didn't say anything. The more hesitant Kathy was, the bolder Olivia became. She was entitled. She was finally entitled to confront the woman with her failed marriage and her unfair attempt to keep her away from Elliot. Elliot, who loved her. _Her_. Olivia took a small step closer to Kathy and asked again,

" _How_ was Elliot going to screw everything up, Kathy?"

Kathy let out a frustrated sigh and turned away from Olivia. She walked a little further into the empty waiting area and took a deep breath.

"That job ... it made him clam up completely. After a while, it was like we were becoming strangers who just happened to share a house and children. If he could just have let it go ..."

"He retired," Olivia interrupted her. "What more did you expect of him?"

Kathy turned around to face her again and Olivia could see the agony in her eyes.

"I thought I was finally getting my husband back."

"And?"

Kathy looked down and simply shook her head.

"So when he lost his memory just when ..."

Kathy caught herself again and didn't quite finish her sentence.

"I ... I thought God had intervened and that we could start over."

"You really think God works that way? By wiping someone's memory?" Olivia asked. Even she didn't believe that the God Kathy believed in would do such a thing deliberately. "Did you even _want_ him to remember anything again?"

Guilt flashed across Kathy's face.

"I just wanted our family to be happy and complete," she argued defensively.

"And you couldn't get that with anyone from the NYPD around."

Olivia sensed that there was something Kathy wasn't telling her and she had a fair idea what that was. Her interrogation tactics kicked in and she said calmly,

"Or maybe you didn't want him to remember certain things. Like how your marriage wasn't flourishing at all, either before or after his retirement."

Kathy glared at her angrily.

"Well, _you_ would know, wouldn't you?"

Olivia smiled, although the smile didn't quite reach her eyes. Success. Kathy was the one who was making it personal. Olivia breathed out slowly and then spoke calmly.

"Yes, I do. I know Elliot loved his family but that it was never an easy ride."

"No, it wasn't," Kathy huffed. "Especially once he partnered up with _you_!"

And there it was, out in the open. The accusation. The more Kathy was losing control, the more in control Olivia felt. Kathy had slipped up and she knew it.

"So is this about the job or is it about me?" Olivia asked. "Because I was never anything but supportive of Elliot's commitment to his family, and you know it."

Kathy shook her head and wrapped her arms around herself again, looking down at the floor.

"He changed at SVU."

Kathy glanced up at her and it looked like she was going to say something else, but then she changed her mind and turned away from Olivia.

"Kathy, if there is something you want to say to me, just say it," Olivia said, surprised at how calm she still was, at least on the outside. She knew she would need time to process this conversation later, but right now, she was running on adrenaline and she was completely focused on the 'interrogation'.

"He was too close to you!" Kathy finally blurted out. "As long as he had you to talk to, he wouldn't confide in me!"

"So it's all _my_ fault? Is that why you didn't want me around?"

Olivia was daring the woman to say it, because she had her answer ready. But Kathy just looked at her, balling her hands into fists again and breathing heavily, so Olivia chose to go on the offensive in stead.

"Maybe you need to wonder why he needed someone other than you to confide in in the first place."

"He was living in a different world!" Kathy shot back. "I was no part of that. Ever! How could I compete?"

"Elliot didn't want you to be part of that world, Kathy. He was protecting you."

"Right. And while he was busy _'protecting me'_ , I was losing him completely. He didn't talk to me about his job. Fine. But after a while, he didn't talk to me about _anything_. He wasn't part of _my_ world either. Even after he retired, I didn't get him back. Not really. I just _knew_ he was ..."

Again, Kathy stopped talking abruptly.

"You knew he was _what_ , Kathy?"

"I'd do _anything_ for my family!" Kathy suddenly yelled angrily, not answering the question, and the sudden change in her tone surprised Olivia little.

When Kathy continued, her voice rose steadily, and she came closer to Olivia, raising an accusing finger while she spoke.

"I fought for my family. I _always_ have. I devoted my _life_ to my family. I wanted my children to know their _father_. To know that they were born out of _love_ and to feel _safe_ and _wanted_. I wanted to give them a stable, _complete_ home. Like it's _meant_ to be, with _both_ their parents. But I guess _you_ wouldn't understand that. _You_ couldn't get _your_ son's father to stick around right from the start, so _you're_ on your own ..."

Kathy was cut off by a loud smack when Olivia slapped her across the face, hard. She'd been in control so far, but nobody talked about her and her son like that.

She was livid.

Before Kathy could recover from the hard slap, Olivia pushed her until Kathy's back collided with the wall. She took a deep breath before getting into Kathy's face and speaking again, slowly and clearly, staring straight into her eyes.

"I _chose_ to _adopt my_ son on my own. To take _full_ responsibility for his life and his upbringing after his mother's death. Noah was _no_ accident. I _choose_ to love and take care of him _every_ day of my life and I will be _proud_ to explain that to him one day. I didn't _need_ a man to take this responsibility and I would _never_ try to tie anyone down who didn't _really_ want to be with me. Now ... get out of my face and leave me and my child alone!"

"Adopted?" Kathy said meekly, completely shocked, her hand covering her cheek, that now showed a bright red hand print.

"Don't waste your breath," Olivia bit at her before turning around and walking away from her.

Before she was out of earshot, she heard Kathy shout after her,

"I saw you kiss him!"

Olivia stopped walking and turned around.

"You can't _make_ someone love you, Kathy. I didn't _make_ him love me. And you can't make him love you. Not even by giving him children."

...

 **Bam!**

 **I hope this (first) confrontation meets your approval. I know not everything was said but I thought this was a realistic showdown. There will be more on Kathy's true motives later on in the story. Meanwhile, reviews make me happy!**


	37. Grounded

**An even shorter chapter today, sorry! Will make it up to you soon. Thanks again for all the wonderful feedback, and welcome new readers as well! You're all the best.**

...

 **37\. Grounded**

As soon as Olivia rounded the first corner, she stopped and leaned against the wall. She was trembling inside and her hands were shaking. Her right hand was actually burning from that slap. She looked around and spotted a restroom. She ducked into the ladies, and let out a deep sigh. She had actually hit Kathy! She'd kept her cool at first, knowing she had the upper hand. But when Kathy mentioned Noah, she'd lost it after all. Olivia understood what fighting for your family was, now more than ever before. But she didn't agree with how Kathy had fought her fight. Their marriage had started because of a pregnancy and despite all their good intentions, the words Olivia had just spoken to Kathy were true: you can't make someone love you, not even when the other person is willing to try.

They'd had a good run. But Kathy should have accepted that it was over and not try to trick Elliot into a fake happy marriage, just because he happened not to remember what their life had been like.

She hadn't been able to get Kathy to admit it yet, but her gut feeling told her that Kathy had known Elliot was in love with her. There was no way around that now anyway. Elliot was very clear about it and she was certain he would be just as open with Kathy as he had been with her.

Olivia rinsed her hands with cold water until her right hand didn't tingle so much anymore. She smiled, wondering how much Kathy's cheek would be burning and looked at herself in the mirror. She didn't look upset and she realized that despite the emotions running high during her confrontation with Kathy, a part of her was beginning to find peace. And that peace was growing. Elliot was right. He didn't know much but he did know he loved her. Maybe it really was all they needed to know. She was certain of her love for him, and for the first time in her life, that love didn't confuse her or throw her off her axis. In stead, it grounded her. They had found each other again, and not even a severe case of amnesia and years of absence had been able to wipe out their connection. It didn't matter how much or how little Elliot would remember in the end. It didn't matter that they had been apart for four years. Like Elliot had said, she was his home, like he was her home.

In the past, she might have felt guilty for slapping Kathy. Now, she didn't. She wasn't worried about Kathy reporting her. It would be the worst move the woman could make under the circumstances, and she'd know that. Olivia knew that Kathy wasn't an evil person, and Kathy knew she wasn't evil either. But they had both lashed out at each other. Maybe it had been necessary for both of them. At least they knew where they stood now with the other person and that in itself, was liberating.

Grounded.

It was a completely new feeling and there was a bounce in Olivia's step when she returned to Elliot's room. Kathleen had pulled up the smaller chair and was sitting with Elliot and Noah. Noah was still asleep and Elliot almost.

"Hey," Kathleen said softly. "How'd it go?"

"I've been waiting for you to come back," Elliot added equally softly.

"You need to rest, Elliot," Olivia said, taking his left hand between hers.

"Did you really think I could sleep with you and Kathy out there, talking or fighting or ... You seem okay though. Where is Kathy?"

"Don't know," Olivia said with a shrug. "I'm sure she'll be back soon. You just relax while I wait for the doctor to tell us when you're getting out of here."

Elliot studied her face for a few moments and seemed content that she was really alright. He closed his eyes and smiled.

"Proud of you Liv," he mumbled and Olivia glanced at Kathleen.

Elliot's middle daughter just stared at her father, who appeared to be drifting off to sleep at last, and Olivia noticed a sheen of tears in her eyes.

"Are you alright, Kathleen?" she whispered.

Kathleen nodded and forced a smile, but her chin was trembling a little.

"All I ever wanted was for my daddy to be happy," she whispered back. "Thank you, Olivia."

Kathleen reached over her father's chest and Olivia grabbed her hand, squeezing it.

"I'll do whatever it takes," Olivia said softly, almost whispering.

"You're already doing it," Kathleen whispered back, smiling.

They were silent for a few moments and then Kathleen asked her,

"What did you say to mom?"

Olivia looked away for a moment. How could she summarize her discussion with Kathleen's mother?

"We ... were very honest with each other," she settled on.

"Oh ... and?"

"I slapped her."

"Uh oh."

"Yeah. I'm not sorry though. She insulted me and my son."

Kathleen bit her lower lip and nodded.

"I ... I don't blame you Olivia, believe me. But I think I should go and find her."

Olivia nodded too, and smiled reassuringly at the blonde.

"I understand."

Once Kathleen had vacated the smaller chair, Olivia rounded the bed to sit on Elliot's right side, where Noah was still sleeping. She watched her boy and smiled. The boy and the man. The two people who were her entire world. So fragile yet so powerful. She truly felt grounded, giving and receiving love from these two people. Love was the most important thing there is and could be found in many shapes and sizes. When she looked at the two shapes, of very different sizes, in the hospital bed, she couldn't be anything but grateful that she had been given love in these two shapes and sizes. She would always fight for these two people, like she knew they would fight for her. She smiled as tears welled up in her eyes, and whispered,

"And that is all I need to know."

...

 **To be continued.**


	38. Care

**38\. Care**

When the doctor came in a short while later, Noah woke up. Startled to wake up in an unfamiliar setting, he cried a little, waking Elliot up as well. Olivia set her son in her lap and smiled apologetically at Elliot, who just gave her a tired but loving smile.

"So. I hear Mr Stabler is eager to get out of here," the older doctor started, looking at both her and Elliot over his black-rimmed glasses. "It's been four whole days since half of his body was broken, so what is he still doing here, right?"

Olivia chuckled at the doctor's humor, and she heard Elliot mutter 'yeah yeah' under his breath.

"We've been monitoring you closely," the doctor continued, "because you have several broken bones in your body and have undergone surgery. You are receiving blood thinners to prevent thrombosis and you will need to continue using these for at least six weeks. You will need to do daily exercises for your hip, but your broken leg complicates this. This is another reason why we're keeping you here a little longer. On top of that, you had an infection which is still causing a slight fever, although it's getting better now."

The doctor gave them both a pointed look before continuing, as if to check that they were aware of the seriousness of Elliot's condition.

"However, if you can assure us that you are going to receive proper care at home, we will release you as soon as the fever is completely gone and the infected wound has closed properly. This could be as early as the day after tomorrow. Are you going to care for Mr Stabler, ma'am?" the doctor asked Olivia.

She exchanged a glance with Elliot. They hadn't really discussed it, but somehow, discussing it seemed unnecessary.

"Yes. He will be staying with me," she told the doctor, her tone leaving no room for any argument from Elliot.

She hadn't really thought of how to arrange things in her two-bedroom apartment, but she was sure they'd manage.

"Will you be able to manage Mr Stabler's daily exercises if our physical therapist gives you instructions?" the doctor asked her.

"That won't be a problem," she replied confidently, not looking at Elliot for the moment.

"Alright," the doctor said, making a few notes on Elliot's chart. "Now Mr Stabler, you will need to switch to oral painkillers because the IV is not coming home with you. We'll start you on the pills right away so you can get used to them before you leave here."

"That's fine," Elliot replied and Olivia finally looked at him again.

If she'd expected an argument from him, she knew instantly that he wasn't going to object to her taking charge and making decisions the way she was doing. He just smiled at her and the look in his blue eyes made her heart skip a beat.

"Good," the doctor concluded. "I will check in with you again tomorrow and see where we stand. For now, I suggest you get some rest, Mr Stabler."

The doctor looked at Olivia and the little boy in her lap, and she got the not-so-subtle hint.

"We're leaving in a little while," she promised the doctor.

In the back of her mind, she wondered where Kathy had disappeared to after their confrontation, and if she was even going to visit Elliot now. Just when the doctor left, Kathleen came back into the room, letting them know Kathy had left the hospital.

"I think you and her should talk again though," Kathleen told Olivia.

"That is entirely up to her," Olivia said.

She had said all she wanted to say, and although Kathy hadn't given her all the answers she'd wanted, she wasn't going to chase after the woman. She was curious how Kathy was doing though, and asked Kathleen what her impression was.

"Well, she's pretty shaken up. Says she's never seen you like this and she needs to think about what you both said to each other. She ehm ... also told me about this little guy here. I didn't know, Olivia."

Kathleen spoke a little hesitantly, but Olivia knew she was referring to the fact that Noah was adopted.

"It's okay Kathleen. You had no idea she would attack me like that."

"Attack you?" Kathleen asked, shocked.

"Yeah. About being a single mother. Didn't she tell you?"

"No ... oh, I'm so sorry, Olivia. I know she can get kind of on a high horse about how things are 'supposed to be' but I thought she was over breaking up with dad by now. She still hates being labeled a single mother herself."

Olivia blew out a breath slowly and shook her head.

"I'm proud to be a single mother of this beautiful little person," she said, kissing the top of Noah's head. "And a lot of mothers can't help it that they were left alone to raise their kids. They are to be admired for doing it anyway."

"Preach it, Olivia," Kathleen said with a genuine smile.

"So Kathy left?" Elliot interjected, sounding very tired, but he still wanted to know what was going on around him.

"Yeah dad, but I'm sure she'll be back soon. She's got some thinking to do first. Now will you let me tell the others that you're here, before they discharge you?"

Elliot looked at Olivia, who just shrugged.

"Could they come visit me at your place?" Elliot asked, needing to make sure they were thinking the same thing.

"Your place?" Kathleen asked. "Dad is going to stay with you? Cool."

Olivia chuckled, and Noah decided he had sat still long enough and laughed out loud with her.

"Hi little man," Kathleen said to Noah, rounding the bed to extend her hand to him. "I'm Kathleen. What's your name?"

"Noah," Noah said, putting his little hand in Kathleen's hand carefully.

"Hi Noah, it's nice to meet you," Kathleen said, and she shook his hand up and down very exaggeratedly, making Noah laugh out loud again.

They decided that they should all really be going so Elliot could rest, and said their goodbyes. Kathleen took Noah's hand and led him out of the room, leaving her father and Olivia alone so they could say goodbye in private. Olivia moved close to Elliot and stroked his cheek as his tired eyes looked up at her.

"I haven't forgotten your iPad, Liv," he said softly.

Olivia closed her eyes briefly. In all the commotion she had forgotten all about it. Elliot would no doubt start reading about her and Lewis on line as soon as he woke up again later that evening.

"Just remember that I'm okay now," she told him equally softly.

"You're strong. You're a fighter. You can take care of yourself. Right?"

Olivia leaned her forehead against Elliot's, smiling. He knew her too well, even now. He was right. She was strong and she was a fighter. And she'd taken care of herself, but with help this time. From her therapist mostly, but it had been a big step for her to let even one person in and tell them what she struggled with. Part of her didn't want to drag Elliot into that darkness as well, but she knew he would have to know about it. Because Lewis had been right about one thing, unfortunately. He had changed the trajectory of many people's lives, including hers. There was no denying that he still had an impact on her and that she'd changed after her encounters with this man. Her life was now divided into her life before him, and her life after him.

She was glad to find that there were more before and afters in her life now. Noah had also changed her life irreversibly, and she never wanted to go back to her life before Noah. And now her life after Elliot was changing again, because he was back in her life. And she had hope this time that he would stay, and there would never be an 'after Elliot' again. Answering Elliot's question, she quipped,

"For now, it looks like I'll be taking care of you."

"I can't tell you what that means to me, Liv," Elliot said, reaching up to move a stray strand of hair out of her face and tuck it behind her ear.

His eyes flicked from his hand to her eyes and back at her hair and she could tell that a realization was hitting him. A memory, maybe. She knew now how the look in his eyes changed whenever that happened.

"Liv, I ... I've always wanted to do that," he said, in awe of the apparent memory.

"What El? Tuck my hair behind my ear?"

Really?

"Yeah."

A content smile spread across his face.

"I love your hair, especially when it's grown out. Don't cut it off again, okay?"

...

 **More soon. Review?**


	39. Trigger

**A small warning for this chapter: bad memories lead to a disturbing dream for Olivia. This episode in her life won't become a theme in this story, it is just an introduction to the chapter after this one.**

...

 **39\. Trigger**

Olivia looked around her apartment. Noah was finally asleep after his long day. Having had an extra nap with Elliot, he'd kept her busy well into the evening but now, at 10 pm, Olivia was finally alone with her thoughts. So much had happened in just one day. Seeing George Huang again, Noah calling Elliot daddy in a way, her confrontation with Kathy and Elliot's questions about what had 'happened' to her.

She dreaded going back to the hospital the next day to see his reaction to what he'd found on the internet about Lewis. She knew that the old, angry, overprotective detective was still in there somewhere. She'd seen a part of him as soon as he'd realized that someone had hurt her. But he had to know.

She wondered why Elliot hadn't gone online before to try and find out more about himself. He was still a detective, wasn't he? She would have to ask him about that. But for now, she was wondering what would be the best arrangement for all of them once Elliot came to stay with her and Noah. Noah would keep his own room, naturally. There was no need to change his entire routine. Having Elliot here would be enough of an adjustment for her baby. Elliot should take the bedroom, she decided. He'd need to rest a lot so he should have a room that they could close, the bathroom close by and a proper bed. She slept on the couch a lot as it was, and would most likely be the last one to go to sleep for a while. She expected Elliot to make some objections, but she was sure she would be able to convince him that it was the most logical arrangement.

She tried not to think about sharing the bed with Elliot at all for now. She knew they were both feeling the pull between them, which was as much physical as it was emotional. But now wasn't the time to explore that part of their budding relationship, she decided. Not while Elliot was still incapacitated. So she tried not to think about it at all. She distracted herself by replaying her conversation with Kathy in her head. She thought she'd been very dignified, right up until the end, when Kathy had insulted her and Noah. Kathy had stopped talking a few times, not finishing her sentences. And while Olivia had an idea about what she hadn't said, she had hoped Kathy would admit it out loud. That she'd known about Elliot's feelings for his partner, and that _that_ had been the reason to keep the entire squad away. Maybe Kathy had even known that Elliot was going to see her on the night of his birthday four years ago.

Their lives could have been so different. _Should_ have been so different. Elliot getting mugged and losing his memory wasn't something that could be blamed on Kathy or anyone else. But if she had involved Elliot's former co-workers, he could have been on the mend years ago. He wouldn't even be in the hospital now. Maybe Olivia wouldn't even have had flashbacks like the one she'd had when she ran that red light, because things would have gone differently with Lewis. Maybe ...

Olivia sighed. It was done. This was how it had all played out and what they would have to deal with. She smiled when she thought of Elliot's sweet gesture with her hair, and the look in his eyes. The look of recognition, that was reserved for her only so far. She would try not to waste too much energy on regrets and what-ifs but to look at what they did have. Their unbreakable connection. Elliot recognizing her. Remembering things about her and not even about his own children. She tried not to feel guilty about that. It wasn't her doing. She could only hope that one memory would lead to another, and that he'd start remembering his family and friends too in the long run.

Olivia sat down on the couch, a glass of red in her hand. Just one glass to relax, and then she'd be off to bed. They hadn't really set a time when she'd be back at the hospital, but she knew she needed to go back, because Elliot would have read about her and Lewis on her iPad. They would need to talk about that. She decided to send Lucy a text, asking if she was available to take Noah off her hands for a while. Tomorrow was Sunday, and she hoped the nanny wouldn't be studying. Just before Olivia decided to turn in, she received Lucy's reply. She would be there the next morning at 10.

...

 _Fear grips her but she tries not to show it. She is nauseous but she had to come. For the girl. She knows she is basically surrendering to Lewis and just the sight of him makes her stomach flip. It's all still too fresh and she has hardly begun to heal from their first confrontation. The fear is almost paralyzing. She has to try and get him to release the girl but what will he demand in exchange? She knows what he wants. She'll never be ready to give it to him. Yet here she is, going into the granary with him willingly. And he is taunting her._

 _"You seeing a therapist? Please promise me you'll do that. He probably sits there with you and tells you that you're working through it, right? "You can be whole again, Olivia." Well, he's lying. What I do, and I've seen this in the victim impact statements, nobody ever recovers from it."_

 _Now they're upstairs and she sees his hostage. Only it isn't Amelia, it's Elliot. She is tied up, her legs duct-taped to the table. Her eyes are wide as she stares at her enemy. The triumphant grin on his face and the wild look in his eyes that haunts her day and night. Lewis is going to rape her and will make Elliot watch. Elliot won't look at her and Olivia refuses to cry. It upsets Lewis that they won't do as he says. He wants Elliot to watch and he wants Olivia to cry and resist but they both refuse to do what he says._

 _Then, the game is on. Russian Roulette. Only Lewis doesn't put the gun against his own temple. He puts it against Elliot's. She wants to object. Explain to him how he can't make her choose between her own life or Elliot's. That's not how the game works. But she can't speak. She knows her mouth isn't taped shut but she can't speak nonetheless._

 _The first two chambers are empty. Olivia is shaking. Lewis puts the gun against Elliot's head again and squeezed the trigger. She knows, even before Elliot's body goes limp. He is dead._

...

Olivia woke up screaming Elliot's name and clutching her chest. It took several minutes for her to realize it wasn't real and she was safe in her own bed and Elliot was still alive. She switched on all the lights in her bedroom and then wandered into the living room, switching on all the lights there too while trying to focus on her breathing. Her heart was still beating fast and her hands were shaking. She'd never had a nightmare like this, and she didn't know which was worse: the ones where Lewis actually raped her, or this one. Seeing him kill Elliot. She poured herself a glass of wine, her hands still shaking, and switched on the television. It was only 3 am but she knew she wouldn't be getting any more sleep tonight.

...

 **How will Elliot react when he finds out about Lewis and how will Olivia when they talk about it?**


	40. Torn

**Friendly reminder: I am no amnesia expert. I am writing this as it suits my story. Enjoy!**

...

 **40\. Torn**

Olivia was met in the hallway by a nurse exiting Elliot's room, and she could tell that there were still people in the room with him.

"What's going on?" she asked the nurse.

She'd already been a little tense on her way to the hospital, not knowing in what state she would find Elliot, but hospital personnel in his room was never a good sign.

"Mr Stabler has had a bad night, I'm afraid. We had to sedate him. The sedative is wearing off now and the doctor is with him to monitor personally how Mr Stabler wakes up," the nurse explained. "Our amnesia specialist Dr Herman is there too."

Olivia felt a little guilty because she hadn't prepared Elliot at all for what he would find out. But it was her trauma, not his, although she knew he'd go into protective partner mode immediately. He'd beat himself up for not being there for her.

"Why did they sedate him?" Olivia asked, wondering what they would consider a 'bad night' by hospital standards.

"His headaches were becoming unbearable. The doctor thinks something triggered more memories for Mr Stabler," the nurse replied. "That is why he asked doctor Herman to come today. There is a visitor with him as well by the way. He demanded to be present, claiming he was Mr Stabler's boss?"

"Donald Cragen?" Olivia asked, and the nurse confirmed that the visitor was named Cragen.

"He said he is Mr Stabler's Captain at the NYPD."

"He was," Olivia said, glancing at the door behind the nurse. "Can I go in now?"

The nurse stepped out of the way and Olivia pushed the door open, uncertain of how she would find Elliot today and wondering what memories could have been triggered during the night.

Elliot seemed to be waking up just now, and the amnesia specialist was talking to him calmly on his right side, while Cragen stood on Elliot's left side and Elliot's regular doctor stood at the foot of the bed. Elliot was hooked up to a monitor that hadn't been there before. When Cragen spotted her, he stepped aside and told Elliot,

"Olivia is here. She's safe and well. Look."

Their former boss beckoned Olivia to come closer, and Dr Herman just watched the three of them interact.

Elliot fixed his eyes on her form and she could tell that his vision was blurry. He frowned and blinked a few times, and then she saw it. It was unmistakable. That intense look that was so Elliot, a conflicting mixture of sadness, rage, powerlessness and forceful determination. If he hadn't been in a hospital bed and weakened by drugs, he might actually be a little intimidating to some. Not to her though. She'd never been afraid of him.

Olivia came closer and didn't look away, drinking in Elliot's intensity and probing his eyes to find out what had caused it. Cragen put a hand on her shoulder and Elliot and Olivia's hands reached for each other simultaneously. The monitor indicated that Elliot's heart rate was going up considerably, and Elliot's next words stunned all the people in the room, including himself.

"I remember."

...

Dr Herman had sat down and grabbed a pen, asking Elliot if he could please elaborate on what he remembered exactly. But Elliot didn't even look at the man. His eyes were still glued to Olivia's face.

"What do you remember El?" Olivia asked him softly, almost whispering.

"You. You and me. Us. All of it."

Elliot had spoken fast and his voice was shaky but the look in his eyes was focused now. Olivia felt faint and was glad Cragen's hand was still on her shoulder.

"You remember _everything_?" she asked, surprised that she could even find her voice.

Elliot shook his head and then winced. His head must still hurt considerably. He took a deep breath and breathed out slowly before attempting to speak again. Olivia rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb gently. They were both trembling and confused but still very much connected.

"Not everything," Elliot said after a few seconds. "I remember us. Everything and everyone around us is still a blur, like they're standing just outside my line of sight, but in my peripheral vision."

"My God," Olivia sighed.

She needed to sit and leaned against the bed to keep her balance.

"Mr Stabler," Dr Herman interrupted. "Could you please tell me a little bit more about what you said, that you remember people as if they are in your peripheral vision?"

The man sounded excited, and Elliot was no doubt a very interesting study object for him. But Elliot wasn't really interested in talking to the doctor.

"I need to talk to Liv," he told the doctors. "Alone."

Olivia glanced at Cragen, who squeezed her shoulder and gave her a look of understanding.

"That's fine son, I'll get everyone out of here," Cragen told Elliot. "Is it okay if I come back in a little while?"

Elliot looked at the older man, studying his face for a moment.

"Please do," he said then. "I have a lot of questions for you."

"Mr Stabler," his doctor piped up. "How is your headache? I need to monitor you for a while."

"It's ... it's bearable now. Liv will get you at once if it gets worse, okay?"

Olivia nodded, hoping the doctor would go along with it. She was confused and didn't know what to feel, and they needed to talk in private. She was only just getting used to the new, unfiltered Elliot, and now he suddenly remembered their entire history. And they had just admitted their feelings for each other. Things had changed between them and there was no going back. But how were they going to go forward now? She discovered that she had actually found comfort in the fact that Elliot didn't remember their history. It gave them a chance to start with a clean slate. A chance to un-complicate them. But now, he remembered. What would _that_ change between them?

The doctors retreated reluctantly and Cragen gave both of his former detectives an encouraging nod before closing the door. Olivia turned to face Elliot, not sure what he was going to say next. Elliot tugged at her hand and she took her place next to him on the edge of the bed, where she had sat every day for the past few days. When she lifted her eyes to meet Elliot's, she could see that he was feeling as lost as she was. They both spoke simultaneously, saying each other's name.

"Liv ..."

"El ..."

They smiled and Olivia looked down at their hands in her lap.

"When I read about what had happened to you," Elliot started, and she could hear and feel the emotion oozing from him in his voice, "I felt like I was being ripped in half."

Olivia bit her lip and kept looking down at their hands. She didn't want to think about Lewis but she knew this conversation was inevitable. But the fact that Elliot had regained all of his memories about their life together was so much at the forefront of her mind right now, that it was actually less disturbing than she'd thought to have some of her trauma thrown into the mix. She was eager to learn more about all the things he remembered, and wanted to know if he recognized his ex-wife and children now, too.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly, acknowledging that it must have been difficult for Elliot to read about her abduction by a sadistic, torturing, murdering rapist.

"But that feeling ... being that torn, it ... it was like that opened up a whole world of similar feelings. And then suddenly, all these memories came tumbling in, as if someone was tossing them all in a huge funnel on top of my head and I couldn't process them all at once. But Liv,"

Elliot squeezed her hands and she finally looked up at him again.

"They were all memories of me and you, and how torn I was about my feelings for you."

...

 **I know this talk is far from over, but I wanted to get this out to you today. Reviews make me happy as always. More soon.**

 **(PS. I have a small poll about the POV of the story over on twitter, I'm OEB01231964 there.)**


	41. White Screen

**So, my little poll on twitter about the POV of the story leans towards option 1, that you do want to see Elliot's POV here, although a lot of you are happy to leave the decision up to me. Thank you for your faith in me! (blush) I hope you will all agree with what I did here. In stead of letting Elliot tell his side of the story in bits and pieces, I'm giving you most of it in this chapter from his POV, right up to the moment they met in chapter 2. After this interlude, the story will continue where chapter 40 left off, and I will be able to switch POV's between our two favorite people if needed. Whatever I miss or choose to skip in this chapter, will be addressed later on.**

...

 **41\. White Screen**

If Elliot had to describe the feeling of waking up with no memories whatsoever about anything, it would be like what they sometimes do in cartoons on TV. The main character would be standing in the middle of the screen, that was completely white. No way to tell what was up or down, no depth, nothing at all to go on to find your bearings, and no sound aside from the echoes of your own voice.

It hadn't been that way the instant he woke up though. He'd felt like he was drowning in blackness and he had a very, very powerful drive to get to the surface because he needed to go somewhere. He needed to find ... something. It had enraged him that he couldn't remember where he needed to go. People around him had tried to calm him down and in the end, they had restrained him and injected him with something.

That's when the emptiness had come. The white screen and the deafening silence. He didn't know who he was and most importantly, he didn't know where he was going. Only that he had been going somewhere and it was important.

He had learned to put all of this into words with the help of a therapist, specialized in helping people with amnesia find their way in life again. They couldn't tell him if his memory would ever return, partially or in whole. As time went on, the people around him had tried to fill up the empty white screen, but all the things they told him were like drawings to him. Very colorful sometimes, very abstract other times, but they were all drawings. Inanimate. They didn't mean anything to him. They filled the screen but it wasn't his life. At least he didn't recognize it as his life.

Once he was released from the hospital, Kathy had brought him to a house and a young child. Kathy was his wife, she'd told him, and the child was his youngest son, Eli. He was going to be four years old soon. Eli was a wonderful, lively child, who managed to distract him from his worries and from the emptiness he felt inside. Eli called him daddy and he did so without any hesitation. Unlike the older children.

He had five children! Like his wife, the older children approached him with caution. Disappointment even. Especially Richard. Richard was taking his memory loss very hard and Elliot wished he could do something for this young man. He was eighteen and had just decided to join the Marines, so he would be leaving home very soon. Richard kept his distance until then and Elliot had accepted it. There was nothing he could do about it.

Maureen was his oldest. She had already moved out of the house and was in a serious relationship. She kept her distance as well mostly, trying to live her own life, except when she and her then fiancé started looking for a place to live in Los Angeles in 2013. She'd asked him, her father, to come with them to look at apartments because they were planning to buy something, and he'd been very happy to come along and help them make a choice.

Elizabeth, Liz, was somewhat of a mystery to him. She had still lived at home at first, and had taken care of Eli a lot. She seemed to be observing him but didn't say much unless he asked her direct questions. They had fun together when they played with Eli and he'd tried to talk to his daughter when they were out in the park or the playground with her baby brother, but she never really opened up to him. He had a feeling there was something she was keeping from everyone around her, like a secret, but he couldn't put his finger on it.

And then there was Kathleen. She had accepted his memory loss more easily than anyone else he'd met so far. He liked Kathleen a lot. He couldn't say he recognized her, but there was something about her that did click with him. If they had met in Kindergarten, they would have been mortal enemies, competitors. But if they had met in high school, he was certain they would have become best friends. He liked her boyfriend, too. Terrence came from a poor background but he'd managed to make a life for himself. And he was good to Kathleen. He expected him to make him a proud grandfather even before Maureen and her husband.

Kathleen looked like her grandmother. His mother. Bernadette was full of life and unexpectedness. Elliot actually liked how unpredictable she was, and enjoyed being with her at her beach house. She treated him normally, as far as he knew, like a mother with a deep, unconditional love for her son. They laughed together and they were quiet together, and Elliot found out that a long walk on the beach was the best medicine to clear his mind whenever he felt like all the drawings on the white screen were becoming too blurry or confusing.

Because as lovely as all of his family members were, they were drawings on the white screen. Even his wife. He'd taken her and everyone else's word for it that she was his wife and her children were his children. But when he looked at the blonde, he kept wondering why he didn't feel anything. She wasn't bad looking but he simply didn't feel a connection at all. He had tried living with her and Eli and Liz, but there just seemed to be something missing.

He dreamed the same dreams over and over again during those first months after the mugging. In one dream, he was running, yelling at people to get out of the way, pushing them aside even. But he didn't know where he was going. He was looking for something and it was very important that he find it. It was frustrating to no end, not to know what his purpose was in that dream, and when he'd wake up in a cold sweat and found Kathy next to him, he always felt disappointed. She was kind to him, supportive and comforting, but he knew that there was something missing.

In another dream, he felt like there was someone running beside him or behind him, and sometimes in front of him. They were running together and it felt good. Right. But he couldn't see who it was. Each time he'd try to look at them, they disappeared from his line of sight. When they were in front of him, they were just a shadow and he couldn't catch up. The need to know who was running with him, became greater each time he dreamed that dream. And after a while he realized, he wasn't looking for something, but he was looking for some _one_ , in his dreams as well as in his life. He was looking for the person who was running with him. And each time he woke up and looked into Kathy's concerned eyes, he knew it wasn't her. There had to be someone out there who could tell him who he truly was. Because he knew one thing after a while. He was not the husband Kathy needed.

They began arguing and Kathy sometimes threw accusations at him that gave him a better idea of the true state of his marriage before his memory loss. And of his character. He soon found out he could dish it out just as easily as she was throwing things at him. She called him self-centered, closed-off, not committed to making things work, uninterested in her. She wasn't far off the mark, but he wasn't going to admit that too easily. He'd been interested in her in a way, because he'd observed her. Watched her with the children and watched her move around the house. Watched her not go out with friends and solely focus on her little family. She'd fawned over him in the beginning, and it had felt fake to him, as if she was putting on a act. As time went by, the act slowly disappeared and the real Kathy came out. The bitter, disappointed Kathy who had hoped they'd have a fresh start after his memory loss. Only it wasn't working.

In turn, he told her she was trying to run his life, didn't understand him and wouldn't tell him what he truly needed to know. He didn't know if she knew what he was looking for, but he had a feeling that she wasn't being entirely truthful with him. She would dismiss his questions as nonsense and he would walk out of the house to get some air or visit his mother. The gap between them had only widened over time.

They had told him he was a retired cop. When he asked them why he had retired at age 44, all they would tell him was that there had been a shooting, a young girl had died and that he'd simply had enough. Kathy had suggested more than once that he'd be better off not remembering his time at the NYPD, up to the point that he understood that his job had come between them a lot. He hadn't been home enough and they had drifted apart. He was home 24/7 now, but the distance between them only seemed to grow.

He'd browsed around the internet a few times, looking up information about himself, the units where he'd worked and general NYPD proceedings. He'd read the words, including his own name, and they would be nothing but more drawings on the white screen. They meant nothing to him. His resumé showed that he'd spent the most time at the Special Victims Unit, and once he'd read up on what that unit entailed, he could understand why he'd just had enough one day. He hadn't bothered to find any more information on line again. He didn't need more drawings. He needed the real, tangible life that he was supposed to live.

And so he'd ventured outside to observe life. He moved out of the family home and into a small two-bedroom in Manhattan. It had to be a two-bedroom apartment, so he could have Eli over. Somehow, he knew Manhattan was the place to be. He still had all his basic skills like reading, writing, his sense of history and geography and even his sense of religion, although that wasn't so cut and dry anymore. He'd been a devout Catholic, according to Kathy and his priest, but he wasn't sure what he was now. He believed in God, and at times that was the only thing that kept him sane anymore. God would know who he was looking for. He just needed to trust Him to bring that person back in his life.

And He had.

He believed with all his heart that the accident had not been a coincidence. Over the years, he'd become used to simply accepting what was thrown at him. Despite still searching for that one person, he'd become a calm person and he'd like to think he'd accumulated some wisdom along the way. So waking up in the hospital with a broken body hadn't upset him too much. It was when he saw _her_ , that all his senses had awoken. He _knew_ her. Out of a million people that must have passed him by over the past four years, he'd never had this feeling with anyone before. It had shaken him to the core. He _knew_ this woman and he needed to know more about her.

...

 **So now we know how Elliot experienced his amnesia up to the point where he saw Olivia for the first time. In the next chapter, we pick up where chapter 40 left off. Please let me know if this chapter made sense to you at all!**


	42. First Kiss

**Happy New Year to you all! I hope 2017 will become a better year than you expect!**

 **Now, we're picking up where chapter 40 left off. Enjoy!**

...

 **42\. First Kiss**

Olivia felt like her heart was in her throat but she had to ask. She just had to. Elliot had just told her he remembered all of their time together and how torn he'd been about the feelings he'd had for her. They couldn't go back to their unspoken shorthand now. This wasn't the time to revert back to the wordless conversations they used to have, thus avoiding the things that were there but couldn't be said. Those things _needed_ to be said now. She _wanted_ them to be said. And so she took a shaky breath, not looking away from him, and asked him,

"What were your feelings for me?"

Elliot pulled his right hand out of hers and put it on his forehead. She could tell that his headache wasn't gone at all.

"Liv, you _know_ what my feelings for you were," Elliot said, almost sounding annoyed. "I told you just yesterday. Loving you is the first thing I remembered. I just ... I remember now, how tense things were because I could never do anything about it."

Olivia nodded, feeling that same tension resurface.

"It was ... complicated."

Elliot scoffed, pulling his left hand away as well. He pressed the palms of his hands against the sides of his head, frowning.

"Should I call the doctor?" Olivia asked, suddenly worried that Elliot might succumb to his headaches once more.

"No," Elliot said, but his voice betrayed that he was in considerable pain.

"El."

"No," he repeated. "If this it what it takes for my life to start making sense again, it's worth it."

...

Her eyes were full of concern. God, those eyes. How could he have ever forgotten her eyes? They reflected her very being. He knew that not everyone was able to read her eyes. To read her. But he could. He had, almost from the first time they had met. They had clicked right away. They both came from a world of hurt and had become each other's anchor. He couldn't remember exactly when he'd started falling in love with her. It must have been between hurried lunches and long stakeouts or piles of paperwork and missing some important school thing. He had denied it at first, of course. He wasn't falling in love with her. They just shared a special bond because of the cases and what they saw on a daily basis. Because they 'got' each other. And because they risked their lives for each other on the job. But deep down, he'd known better.

He remembered those things now. And he remembered how he'd seen the change in Olivia's eyes, leading him to believe she might feel something more for him too. He hadn't dared to think about it, fearing he might one day act on his feelings and destroy everything they had built up so carefully over the years. He'd had his responsibilities. He knew that. He could feel it, although he still didn't have any real memories of his family before his memory loss. He remembered Olivia. It was the people and circumstances around them that were a challenge now.

Elliot felt like his brain was trying to pick at the edges of his memories, and it made his head hurt. But he wanted to talk to Olivia. He _needed_ to talk to her. She was the key to everything. Maybe he didn't know much, but he did know that. Despite his amnesia, he had never stopped looking for her. But now that he remembered, he also remembered how hard they had worked to keep their distance from each other. To never cross that invisible line, that had become all but tangible at times.  
And now, they had said things out loud to each other that they couldn't take back. He didn't want to, but he also didn't know how to move forward. He'd been so certain. For the first time in four years, he'd finally been completely certain of something. And now he didn't know what to do. He looked into Olivia's big brown eyes, hoping for guidance, for some kind of clue what to do.

And then Olivia saved him, like she had so many times before.

"Elliot. You can't force yourself to remember more. Let's just take it one step at a time and ... and let's not become complicated again, shall we? We're too old for that now."

...

Elliot laughed. He actually laughed, and let go of his head, taking her hands in his again. It hadn't been easy to find the right words to say to him but Olivia had seen the turmoil in his eyes. He was remembering way too much of their complicated history and he didn't know what to do. She had to be the balanced one now, however confused she felt. She was the less confused one and she realized she'd matured over the past four years. She wasn't as insecure as she'd been back when they were still partners. She wasn't afraid to believe what he'd said to her the day before. In fact, she knew that all the things he'd said while he still didn't remember everything, were more true than anything else he'd ever said. She didn't want to lose that filter-less Elliot again. And to keep him, she might have to drop her own filters as well. Permanently.

Elliot squeezed her hands and looked down at them. He opened one hand then, moving it underneath her hands and then put his other hand over hers.

"We never did this," he said quietly.

"No, we didn't," Olivia said. "But we do now."

Elliot's eyes flicked up to hers and they smiled hesitantly at each other.

"No more complicated," Elliot said.

Olivia nodded.

"No more complicated."

"I fell in love with you while I was a married man."

Olivia choked up instantly. He hadn't pulled up the walls again and she wanted to cry from relief.

"I fell in love with my married partner," she gave back, her voice trembling.

"Shame on us."

The tenderness in his voice didn't match the playfulness of his words at all, and Olivia leaned a little towards him automatically.

"Yeah. They should split us up," she said softly, watching Elliot lean forward too.

"Why didn't they?" he asked her when their faces were only about four inches apart.

"We should ask Cragen."

Three inches.

"Not now."

Two inches.

"Later."

One inch.

"Yeah."

His breath tickled her lips and Olivia's eyes drifted shut when he kissed her softly. They had kissed before, quite passionately, the day before, but this kiss was different. This was a first kiss. A first kiss between detectives Stabler and Benson.

...

Her lips were soft like he had always imagined, and strong at the same time when she returned his kiss. A moan emanated from deep within him and his heart monitor beeped furiously. Her arms were around his neck and his around her waist, and when she released his lips and kissed his neck in stead, he let out a sigh that somehow seemed to represent years of waiting for this moment, as if he'd held his breath all this time. He remembered their history now, and they were damn sure not going to repeat it.

...

 **I hope this development will meet your approval and I hope I'm still keeping them in character while they are dropping their filters. I need them to be on the same page while the rest of the blanks are filled in. This doesn't mean all of the tension from the past has miraculously disappeared. More soon. In the meantime, please review!**


	43. Better Together

**Thank you all again for the overwhelming response to this story. It is a joy to write it for you!**

...

 **43\. Better together**

The door to Elliot's room flew open and the nurse strode in, a worried look on her face. When she saw the two people on the bed in a loving embrace, she slowed down and asked them,

"Is everything alright in here?"

Elliot and Olivia broke apart and Elliot smiled shyly at the nurse. His heart monitor was slightly embarrassing, giving away his current state like it was. It was still beeping rather fast and an alarm was going off, and Olivia thought it was very sweet. She was glad she wasn't hooked up to any monitors though, because they would definitely show a similar pattern. She had dropped her hands, one now on Elliot's thigh while the other one rested in her lap. Elliot had one hand on her waist, and placed his other hand over hers in her lap.

"Yes," he assured the nurse despite the alarm that was still ringing, and when Dr Herman came in behind her, he added, "My headache is suddenly clearing up. I was just ehm ... a little ..."

"Excited," the young nurse said with a wink, glancing at Olivia and then back at her patient.

"Yes," Elliot admitted, rubbing Olivia's side gently.

Dr Herman approached both of them, his notepad and pen in hand. Olivia guessed that Elliot's case was now even more interesting to him. His headache had cleared up because of her? Did it really work that way?

"Can I ask you a few questions now sir?" the doctor asked him, hope evident in his voice.

Olivia decided to leave Elliot's side on the bed for now and they exchanged a look of understanding when she stood up, squeezed his hand and then moved to the armchair. She was tired after her very short night and welcomed a few minutes to process all the new developments of the morning while Elliot talked to the amnesia specialist. Elliot remembered more now, and was still committed to her. She was still trembling a bit after their kiss. She'd truly felt like she was kissing her old partner just now. It had been different from the day before. They were Benson and Stabler again, and while a lot was still unclear for Elliot, they both knew that their history together had inevitably led up to this moment. Not even four years apart had been able to break their connection or their love for each other.

It was such a relief to know that Elliot had never intended to stay away so long, that she could hardly believe it sometimes. She looked at him while he spoke with Dr Herman quietly, patiently answering the man's questions. They were really here and they had finally admitted their feelings to each other. It was real.

There was a soft knock on the door, and Captain Cragen poked his head around the door.

"Is the coast clear?" he asked her softly when he saw her.

Olivia glanced at the nurse, who just nodded and left the room, making room for Cragen. Her old Captain stood next to her and asked,

"Is his head better?"

"Yeah," Olivia said softly. "He's talking to the amnesia guy now."

"So what was wrong with him earlier?"

"I told him to read up on what happened to me with ... you know, on my iPad. He must have freaked out a little, and then a barrage of memories hit him, that he couldn't process."

"Hm."

Cragen pursed his lips and looked at his former detective in the hospital bed.

"You and he were always so close. I get that he 'freaked out', as you put it. He would have wanted to be there to beat the crap out of the guy himself."

"I really wanted him there," Olivia admitted softly, and Cragen patted her back.

"I know, Olivia. I'm just glad we know now why he never contacted you after ... afterwards."

"Me too."

They listened to Elliot and the doctor for a while, and heard him tell the specialist how all his memories about his former partner had come back to him at once, and how his splitting headache had cleared up when he held her. He didn't mention the kissing part and that was fine with Olivia. When she heard her former boss chuckle and looked up at him, she gathered that he had already filled in that little blank himself.

After about ten minutes, the doctor agreed that Elliot needed to rest, but he told him he'd be back in the afternoon to do some tests with him. After the amnesia specialist had left, Elliot's normal doctor came in to check up on him. Elliot's heart rate had returned to normal and while he was very tired, he was fine now. The doctor told his two visitors that his patient really needed to rest after the bad night he'd had, and Cragen promised he wouldn't stay long.

"Doc," Elliot said. "I'd really like Olivia to stay. I feel better when she's around."

Olivia didn't quite know where to look when the doctor looked at both her and Elliot attentively, but when Elliot held out his hand, she got up to take it and smiled at him.

"Well, as long as he rests, I suppose you can stay for a bit," the doctor acquiesced, and both Elliot and Olivia thanked him simultaneously.

The doctor looked at both of them one more time, shook his head slightly and then left, a small smile playing on his lips. Once the door had closed behind the man, Cragen remarked,

"I know _exactly_ how that man feels right now."

...

Olivia couldn't help laughing out loud, and Elliot smiled when he looked at the two people at his beside. They were comfortable around him and each other, and he felt comfortable around them. But they were sharing an inside joke right now that he didn't feel a part of.

"Why?" he asked Cragen, choosing the direct approach.

"Elliot," Cragen said seriously as he came closer. "The number of times that I've seen you and Olivia together, sharing this wordless understanding between the two of you ..."

The older man shook his head wearily.

"I honestly didn't know what to make of it sometimes. You were at each others' throats one day, and then covered for each other up to the point that it infuriated me the next. I've never seen anything like it, either before or after I paired you two up at SVU."

Elliot glanced at Olivia, and before he could say anything, she asked the question that was on his mind.

"Why didn't you ever split us up?"

Cragen heaved a deep sigh.

"I've wanted to, believe me. On several occasions. But I was advised not to, because you two function better together than apart. And I suppose from the looks of it, that's not only as detectives but also as people."

Olivia smiled warmly at him and Elliot felt his stomach clench. That smile ... she'd smiled at him a lot through the years and it always lit up his day. And right now, it lit up his life. He could see more clearly now than he had in a long time. But it saddened him to know that she had had to miss him for so long while he was completely oblivious to her. That was just wrong, and in the end, he blamed his ex-wife for that.

He had wondered why he'd never heard of what had happened to Olivia back then. She'd been all over the news. But he was beginning to piece things together. He'd been in LA then, apartment hunting with Maureen and her fiancé. He even remembered now that Kathy had mentioned to him that an NYPD detective had gotten in some trouble with a rapist, when he'd dropped by to pick up Eli after he'd returned to New York. It hadn't meant anything to him back then. He felt sick now, knowing it had been Olivia. He wondered why Kathy had mentioned it. Had she been testing him maybe, to see if he'd remember anything? No. She could have told him it was his former partner but she hadn't said another word about the whole thing.

He felt bad now that he'd never tried to find out more about his former co-workers at the NYPD. But he simply hadn't know it was that important. Until now. Until Olivia.

He focused on the conversation at hand again, and something about Cragen's voice was familiar to him. He and Olivia were talking about an incident where apparently she had argued with him about a case repeatedly, until Cragen had ended it.

"Benson! Stabler! My office!" Cragen said loudly, reenacting how he'd interrupted them.

Elliot perked up and Olivia suddenly looked at him attentively.

"What El?" she asked him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"I've heard that before," Elliot said, staring at his former Captain. "You ... you were our superior officer. I remember this!"

...

 **Review?**


	44. Fathers

**Apologies for the delay, my family and I were away for a few days. Back home and writing now so let's continue. Does Elliot really remember Cragen? I wrote this really fast so if you find any typos, you know why! Enjoy.**

...

 **44\. Fathers**

 _"You ... you were our superior officer. I remember this!"_

Both Cragen's and Olivia's mouth fell open, and Elliot looked at both of them triumphantly.

"You ... you remember him now?" Olivia finally asked, rubbing his arm soothingly because she feared he might get another headache.

Elliot was still looking at Cragen and bit his lower lip.

"Not completely. Not like you," Elliot added, looking at Olivia for a second. "It's kinda like how I remembered Olivia in the beginning. I know I know you, sir. You're one of the people in my peripheral vision, but you're coming into focus a bit. You were ..."

Elliot glanced at Olivia again before continuing.

"You were like a father figure to us."

Olivia looked between both men and saw tears spring into Donald Cragen's eyes. He put a hand on Elliot's shoulder and squeezed it.

"That's ... it means a lot to me that you'd remember me that way, Elliot," the older man said, his voice trembling with emotion. "I was your boss but I did try to look out for the two of you. Maybe a little more than my other detectives."

Elliot smiled.

"Well, I hope we showed you some appreciation for that."

Cragen wiggled his head and both Olivia and Elliot chuckled.

"We did appreciate it, a lot," Olivia chimed in. "You know we both didn't have the father we would have wanted, and you were always there for us. Stern but fair, and always ready to either punish us or help us on our way. Thank you, Captain."

Cragen took a deep breath and breathed out slowly, clearly struggling a bit with his emotions. He just smiled when words failed him, and Elliot put his hand over Cragen's on his shoulder while Olivia grabbed his other hand. They were all moved by the sincere moment they were sharing. Olivia saw the look in Elliot's eyes change after a few moments though, and looked at him attentively.

"El? What is it?" she asked him.

Elliot looked up at her and then at Cragen.

"I still don't remember my own father."

...

Elliot wondered out loud if he should ask his mother about his father, but then remembered he'd already tried that. Bernie hadn't been very eager to talk about her late husband. Neither had Kathy for that matter. Cragen tried to get him to let it go for now but Olivia wondered if Elliot really would. He was beginning to look and act more like the Elliot she'd known all those years. And that Elliot never let anything go. He dropped the subject for now, and as promised, Cragen said goodbye after a short while so he could rest. Olivia walked him out and thanked him again for all he had done for both her and Elliot while they worked at SVU. Cragen wasn't very good at accepting compliments or gratitude, and Olivia decided to give him a warm hug in stead of a lot of words.

"Will we see you again soon?" she asked as they broke apart.

"Well, Eileen is making plans for our next trip but I think I can drop by once more before we leave."

"Please do. Elliot needs all of us so he can remember."

Cragen nodded and rubbed her arm.

"He remembers you, Olivia. Somehow, I think that's enough. But naturally, I will help in any way I can. Just ... take care of each other, okay?"

"We will," Olivia smiled.

When she returned to Elliot's room, she could tell that he was having difficulty keeping his eyes open.

"El, just go to sleep. It's fine," she told him, approaching the bed and taking his hand between hers.

"You look tired too, Liv," he told her sleepily. "Didn't you sleep well last night either?"

Olivia bit her lip and then shook her head. The truth, she reminded herself. Honesty would save them from pulling up their walls again. So she admitted that she hadn't slept much, although she didn't think it was necessary to tell him exactly why not.

"So we both need to rest," Elliot decided. "Lay with me?"

Olivia's eyebrows shot up. Lay with him? How? Elliot smiled at her and patted the right side of his bed. The right side of his body was practically uninjured so she wouldn't hurt him accidentally if she climbed into the hospital bed with him. But she couldn't. Could she?

"Come on. I'll scoot over a bit. There's plenty of room," Elliot pleaded, and she couldn't help smiling at the puppy eyes he was giving her.

She took off her blazer and kicked off her shoes, leaving just a blue blouse, jeans and her socks. Elliot grinned when she rounded the bed, and grabbed the trapeze bar above his bed to move his body to the left. When she reached for him to help him, his glare stopped her and she shook her head. His stubbornness was still there, strong as ever. Once Elliot was settled, Olivia carefully climbed into bed with him. Elliot put his right arm around her shoulders when she lowered her upper body, and Olivia just gave in, turning on her left side while resting her head on his shoulder and placing her right arm across his chest carefully.

"Ribs don't bother me anymore," Elliot mumbled, pulling her a little closer to him while she moved her legs next to his and tried to pull the blanket over her hip.

Once they were both settled Elliot kissed her forehead and Olivia smiled up at him.

"This is nice," Elliot said softly. "I finally have my partner in bed with me."

Olivia chuckled and decided not to comment. She snuggled up to him and closed her eyes, trying not to think too much about what they were doing. She was in bed with her partner. Only he wasn't her married partner anymore. Not the man she had fallen in love with but could never have. She could have him now, so what was the harm in taking a nap with him? Surely the nurse wouldn't kick her out if she found them like this? Besides, she was fully dressed. Elliot wasn't. Elliot wasn't ... She swallowed hard and told herself to keep breathing. He had enough clothes on and any thoughts of what was beneath them, should be reserved for another time and place.

"Stop overthinking, Liv," Elliot mumbled and if Olivia's eyes hadn't been closed, she would have rolled them at him.

But he was right, so she tried to relax and tried emptying her brain of all thoughts. She listened to his heartbeat, that was normal now and calm. She was glad she had such a calming effect on him that even his headaches went away when he was holding her. Maybe she should reconsider sleeping on the couch. Sleeping in the same bed with Elliot would be therapeutic for him. Right? Yes, it would. She grinned at herself for trying to find excuses to be close to him. She didn't need excuses anymore. Not now. Not ever.

Just when she started to nod off, Elliot took a deep breath and asked her,

"Liv, what did he do to you?"

...

 **Dun dun?**


	45. Talk

**45\. Talk**

 _"Liv, what did he do to you?"_

Olivia's eyes popped open. He just had to aks her this now? Just when she was relaxing and feeling comfortable and calm? Elliot's heartbeat was climbing a bit again, and Olivia wondered what she should tell him. She tried her patented deflective response first.

"You don't really want to know."

Elliot sighed and rubbed her shoulder with his hand.

"Liv ..."

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut again. She didn't need these thoughts in her head again, just when she was planning to sleep a little. She'd have nightmares. But Elliot did deserve an answer. His bad night had been because of what had happened to her, and her decision to share this part of her life with him needed a follow-up. She took a deep breath too and kept her eyes closed while she told him,

"I'm sure you've read what he did to his victims."

"Yeah."

Elliot held her even tighter.

"He had you for four days."

"I was passed out most of the time."

"How come?"

"He force-fed me vodka and Vicodin. Made sure I wouldn't resist too much or cry out when he hurt me. I was pretty numb physically the whole time."

She heard and even felt Elliot swallow hard.

"I read about cigarette buds, house keys and coat hangers ..."

"Yeah. He pulled out all the stops for me."

"He burned you?"

"Yes."

"Where?"

Olivia let out a shaky breath. She understood the question. Her scars weren't visible when she was dressed. But if she wanted to move forward with Elliot, and she did, he needed to know what he was in for. No secrets. No surprises.

"My arms and my ... torso."

"Breasts?"

"Yes."

Elliot swallowed again and gripped her so tightly that it was becoming painful. Olivia opened her eyes and tried to get him to loosen his grip on her.

"El ..."

She lifted her head to look at him and could see tears in his eyes, although they were squeezed shut. He opened them when he felt her move and lifted his head as well to look at her, sadness and anger in his eyes. His arm dropped to the mattress and they stared at each other for a moment.

"Any other places?" he asked her then.

He was almost torturing himself, asking for more details but Olivia didn't look away when she answered him.

"My abdomen and pelvic area."

She could see Elliot holding back his emotions. He looked like a volcano ready to erupt but he held it in for her sake.

"Did he ..."

Elliot closed his eyes and shook his head as if trying to shake the thought out of his brain. He tried again though.

"Liv, did he rape you?"

"No!"

He reply had sounded a lot more certain and forceful than she was feeling. Because honestly, she wasn't one hundred percent sure. She'd always maintained it, throughout her statements and right up to the trial but she _had_ been passed out a lot. And so, for the sake of honestly, she added,

"Not that I'm aware of."

Elliot frowned and studied her face. They were both fully awake now.

"Not that you're aware of? What does that mean?"

Olivia put her head on his shoulder again, and Elliot wrapped his arm around her shoulders again, holding her close to him. She concentrated on her breathing and on the feeling of Elliot's warm body against hers and his strong arm around her. She was safe. Lewis couldn't get to her anymore. It wasn't entirely true, as she knew very well, because the man still haunted her in her dreams, but she was safe from any further physical harm now. The uncertainty of what Elliot was asking her was torture in itself sometimes though. She'd told herself time and time again that it didn't matter, because she didn't know or remember. But she knew that as a matter of pride it did matter to her. The thought that Lewis possibly _had_ raped her and had known it all along, just didn't sit right with her. Even though he was dead now, she just couldn't stand the thought that he might have been gloating at one time about her ignorance.

"Liv?"

...

Elliot had felt Olivia's body tense up. It shouldn't surprise him but her silence right now was unsettling. She wasn't completely sure if she'd been raped or not?

"Well. Like I said, I was passed out most of the time. But they didn't find any forensic evidence so ... I'm assuming he never actually did it."

"You had a rape kit done."

"Yes."

"And they didn't find anything?"

"No. And they checked everywhere."

Elliot turned his head to kiss Olivia's forehead. He felt like smashing something but he needed to stay calm now, for her. He knew how humiliating it was for victims to have a rape kit done and have all their orifices probed for evidence. Olivia had witnessed many of them, but to have to undergo one herself after the ordeal she'd been through ...

"He could have used objects that didn't leave a trace though."

Olivia sounded so small now, almost resigned, that he felt the need to reassure her. He knew nothing, of course, but he just had to say something.

"Liv, if they didn't find anything ... you know how it works. We always told victims that, remember? No DNA or condom lubricate or tearing means no penetration. You have to believe that, or you'll drive yourself crazy."

Olivia chuckled and he rubbed the top of her head with his cheek.

"Been there, done that," she said quietly.

"You seeing anyone?"

"You mean a therapist? Yeah. It helps."

"Good."

They were silent for a minute, each caught up in their own thoughts. Elliot thought about what he'd read about the Lewis case, and how he'd been found beaten to a pulp when the NYPD finally found Olivia. She had beaten him up and he wished she'd just killed him. Nobody would have blamed her. But the prick had survived. He felt Olivia relaxing a little in the bed with him and put his left arm over her right arm, that was draped across his chest. He rubbed her arm gently when he asked her,

"Did you think you killed him?"

Olivia breathed out slowly.

"Yes."

"I wish you had."

"Me too."

"How did you get the upper hand?"

"I ... He ... he had me handcuffed to the iron frame bed and we ... talked."

"Talked?"

"Yeah. He liked to talk. Pretend that he knew me so well. Sadistic freak."

"What did you talk about?"

He felt Olivia shake her head slightly against his shoulder.

"Doesn't matter," she said flatly, actually confirming to him that it _did_ matter. But she wasn't ready to tell him yet.

"And then what?" he asked her, letting it go for now.

"I ... tried to goad him ... told him he was a lot of talk and no action, and then he said he was _finally_ going to rape me."

She lifted her head again to look at him.

"This actually makes me think he really hadn't before that moment."

Elliot nodded.

"I understand Liv."

She rested her head on his shoulder again and he held her close while she continued.

"I managed to muster all my strength and wrench the metal bar that I'd been handcuffed to off the bed. He was too busy undoing his pants to notice in time, so I hit him with the rod. When he tried to grab his gun, I struck his arm and kicked him in the nuts. Then I grabbed the gun."

She had spoken fast and he knew she was right there again, in that intense moment. He rubbed her back gently and told her softly, over and over until she calmed down,

"Good girl. You did good Liv. I'm so proud of you."

She was still trembling slightly though and when she continued, he understood that there was more to her story.

"El ... I should have called for backup right away, but I didn't," Olivia said softly.

She turned her head, hiding her face in the crook of his neck and repeated, whispering, "I didn't."

...

 **This seemed like a suitable point to break off this conversation. Second half will follow soon. Meanwhile, I just love getting your reviews!**


	46. Therapeutic

**46\. Therapeutic**

"Liv, what happened?"

Olivia didn't really want to talk anymore. She just wanted to stay like this, wrapped up in Elliot's arms, hidden away from the world. Usually, she could deal with the effects of what she'd been through and what she'd done, putting on her determined, badass mask. But telling Elliot about it was so intense for her. Elliot was rubbing her back and was holding her, and she knew that he would understand what she'd done. He would have done the same thing, and he wouldn't have waited as long as she had. She'd given Lewis ample opportunity to taunt her again before she finally snapped. Elliot wouldn't have listened to a single word the pervert had to say. Lewis wouldn't have gotten to him like he had gotten to her. He would have paid the price for hurting her instantly and Elliot would never have regretted killing the man with his bare hands.

"Did he break free?"

Elliot's question broke through the fog of her thoughts and she finally came up for air.

"No," she said softly. "He started talking again."

...

Elliot knew this was a difficult subject for Olivia. She'd skipped it before. Maybe it would help her to get it all out though, so he asked her gently,

"Please tell me what he talked about that was so difficult for you, if you can."

Olivia let out a shaky breath and rested her forehead against Elliot's jaw while she continued.

"He just ... started pushing my buttons. Wondering out loud what I was working through. Calling me a victim. Talking about my father. Talking about you ..."

"Me?"

"Yeah. I felt so exposed. It was like he was hitting all the raw nerves he could find. And I fell for it. I let him push me until ... until I just couldn't take it anymore."

Elliot didn't ask her any further about why he had come up in the conversation, because he understood what had happened. And that was way more important than his curiosity about why Lewis would have brought him up.

"You beat him up."

"Yes."

"While he was still handcuffed."

"Yes."

"You should have just shot him."

Olivia chuckled and he held her close to him. He knew she shouldn't have beaten an unarmed, handcuffed man, but had this worm really been unarmed? From what Olivia had told him, he had a whole range of weapons that he had used against her. He'd had power over her. And the most frightening thing was, he'd still had power over her when he escaped from prison. She had gone after him, surrendering to him willingly, doing exactly what he wanted her to do. He'd played her.

Elliot knew how selfless Olivia was. She'd die to protect a child. And she almost had. He didn't know what had happened between them that second time, but he wondered if Olivia was up for even more revelations right now. She was trembling and he thought she was trying to hold back tears.

"It's okay Liv, it's okay," he said softly, kissing her forehead and hoping she'd let it all out if she needed to cry a little.

...

Olivia didn't though. She just breathed slowly until the urge to cry or scream or hit something went away. She wasn't going to spill another tear over the freak that had almost ruined her life.

"You would have killed him right away," she said once she felt calm enough to speak again.

"You're damn right I would have," Elliot said harshly.

She knew that he wouldn't be lying here so quietly if he hadn't been injured so severely. He could only express his outrage in words and that couldn't be easy for him.

"I'm sorry Elliot," Olivia said, looking up at him and moving her hand up his chest until she could cup his cheek.

" _You're_ sorry? For _what_?" Elliot said, and Olivia blinked at his sudden outburst.

She could tell he regretted raising his voice instantly and she forced a small smile.

"For dumping all of this on you, and you can't even jump up to hit something."

That actually put a small smile on his face as well and he shook his head, looking up at the ceiling.

"You're incredible Liv, really. You went through all of that and you're still thinking of how _I_ feel? I don't deserve you. Never did."

"Hm. Maybe you're right. Lemme get my coat," Olivia said dryly.

Laughter bubbled up from deep inside Elliot's gut and since there was little else they could do about the whole thing, Olivia joined in and laughed with him. Despite how intense they had always been together, and no doubt would continue to be, there was no one else she could unwind with like she could with Elliot. Like they were doing right now. They laughed out loud and when they quietened a bit, Elliot tried to roll on his right side, succeeding only partially, and wrapped both arms around her. This was the part that was new. They were in uncharted territory now. But as strained as things used to be, when they were maintaining a strict barrier between them, it was completely natural now. When their lips found each other in a tender kiss, Olivia felt all the tension that had built up over the past fifteen minutes leave her body. She kissed Elliot passionately, snaking her arms around his neck, trusting him not to let her fall off the bed. Her right leg ended up between his legs, anchoring her to him while they explored each other's mouths and let go of all the frustrating thoughts and feelings that had occupied their minds. Olivia felt like Elliot was trying to feel all of her, to make sure she was really alright. It actually made her feel more than alright. When they finally broke apart, they were both smiling widely.

"I thought you were leaving," Elliot joked, placing a small kiss on her nose.

"Nah. You'd go nuts here without some company. Besides, you promised me a nap."

She kissed him again and no more words were needed. After another few minutes they snuggled up together and Olivia actually thought she could sleep now. Who knew that making out with Elliot could be this therapeutic for her? As they both finally drifted off to sleep, Olivia mumbled,

"I think I'm gonna keep you around."

...

 **Short but sweet I thought. I wanted to wrap the whole Lewis mess up with this chapter, but it may pop up once more. I apologize in advance for that. Next chapter, we move on to more important people in Olivia and Elliot's lives.**


	47. The Key

**Sorry for the (relatively) long delay, folks! A little case of real life and feeling sick coming before fanfiction. Without further ado, here is the next chapter for you. Yes, we're at 47 (short) chapters and not even a whole week has passed in the story. Enjoy!**

...

 **47\. The Key**

Elliot smiled at the nurse. It probably wasn't the first time she'd come into his room since he and Olivia had fallen asleep, because she quickly retreated, also smiling. Elliot tried not to move too much and only turned his head to look at the sleeping woman in his right arm, with her head on his shoulder.

She was beautiful. And knowing who she was, made her the most beautiful person in the world to him. He still couldn't understand how he could ever have forgotten her. He must have seen or heard her public confession about police brutality somewhere but it hadn't jogged his memory then. He felt bad, knowing that Olivia had thought all this time that he wanted nothing to do with her anymore. He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was the one he had been looking for all along and he was grateful that she was letting him into her life again.

Although he remembered their joint past clearly again, those five months between Jenna's shooting and his birthday were still a blur. They had told him he'd been a mess but he didn't remember that part. Yet. Having so many memories come back to him in just a few days, gave him hope that more of his memory would return. He wanted to be able to tell Olivia what being apart had done to him, and why it had taken him months before he'd been ready to contact her again. It couldn't have been easy for him. Now that he remembered her, he couldn't imagine ever living without her in his life again.

They had had their issues over the years, and they both weren't the easiest to people to live with. But throughout their turbulent partnership, their friendship - their love for each other - had always prevailed. No matter how hard they'd fought sometimes, they would always come out as a strong unit, unbreakable, ready to face whatever awaited them together, and ready to fight for each other. He trusted that they would also be that strong, unbreakable unit now that they were going to pursue a relationship. They would fight, definitely, but they would always find each other again. Just like they always had. He was glad now that he had told her about his feelings for her _before_ he remembered their complicated history. He wasn't sure he would have had the nerve if he had remembered ... He grinned at his own thoughts. Maybe they would have fumbled for a bit longer, but it would have come out eventually. It was always going to happen.

Olivia began to stir and he looked at her face. Her eyes were still closed, but she was frowning. Her hand, that was resting on his chest, balled into a fist. Elliot put his left hand over her fist instinctively, sensing that she needed reassurance that he was still there and she was safe. Olivia let out a small sound of discomfort and Elliot rubbed her back with his other hand, that had been resting on her shoulder. Olivia groaned softly again, and Elliot decided to wake her up. She must be having an unpleasant dream.

"Liv," he said softly, shaking her a bit. "Liv, wake up honey. You're dreaming."

Olivia's frown deepened, and then she opened her eyes. She seemed a little shocked to find that she wasn't waking up alone, and he talked to her softly.

"Liv, it's Elliot. We took a nap, remember? It's okay."

Olivia lifted her head and looked at him, and he could see the unrest slowly leave her eyes, relief taking it's place.

"Bad dream?" Elliot asked her, raising his hand to wipe some hair off her forehead.

"Yeah," Olivia sighed.

She propped herself up on one elbow and studied his face while she was visibly relaxing.

"You relapsed and had forgotten me again."

Elliot bit his lip so he wouldn't smile too widely. She'd been rattled and he didn't want it to look like he was laughing at her. He had expected her to have a bad dream about Lewis maybe, not about him. He felt honored that she would dream about him in stead of the traumatic events in her life that they had discussed before she fell asleep. But while it meant a lot to him that he was apparently more important to her now, he realized that her dream reflected a real fear. Her fear of losing him again.

"I'm not going to forget you again, Liv," he said reassuringly, stroking her cheek with the back of his fingers.

"How can you be sure?"

"Because you're the key to everything," he said firmly. "As long as you're around, I can never forget. You brought it all back and you always will."

His words put a small smile on her lips and Elliot was relieved.

"So I'd better stick around permanently then," she said quietly.

"That's the plan."

Olivia nodded and her smile now reached her eyes.

"I like that plan."

...

They were interrupted by a soft knock on the door. Olivia sat up and swung her legs out of bed, not wanting to be found in bed with Elliot by a visitor.

"The nurse was just here," Elliot said, wondering who else it could be.

The door opened slowly and the visitor stepped into the room hesitantly. Olivia blew out a breath slowly when she saw who it was.

"Elliot," the older woman said when she spotted the patient in the bed.

"Mother," Elliot answered.

"And Olivia, I see."

Olivia stood up and stood at the right side of Elliot's bed.

"Hello Mrs Stabler."

"Oh no. I told you before dear, nobody calls me that anymore. Call me Bernie."

Olivia didn't know what to say, think or feel. Here was the woman she would have expected to tell Elliot about her, and to tell her about Elliot. That Kathy wouldn't tell them was one thing. That she would convince her children not to, was understandable too. But Elliot's mother wouldn't let someone else tell her what to do. And yet, she hadn't told Elliot about his special bond with his partner either, and she hadn't contacted Olivia.

"My poor baby," Bernie continued, walking up to Elliot and taking in his condition.

She took her son's hands in hers and squeezed them.

"Why didn't you call me, Elliot?"

Elliot glanced at Olivia but then focused his attention on his mother.

"You know I like being alone, mother. It's not like you or anyone else could do something for me."

"O, he's still so independent, isn't he Olivia?"

Olivia didn't know what to say to the older woman. The few times they had spoken in the past, she had thought they'd had a connection. That Bernie had somehow understood how much her son meant to her. She didn't understand why Bernie never contacted her after Elliot lost his memory. Bernie was looking at her attentively, and before Olivia could decide what to say, she spoke again.

"You blame me for not telling you about it, don't you."

Olivia glanced at Elliot, who was now looking at her as well.

"I understand, dear. But I had my reasons."

...

 **Hmmm. What reasons could she have had?**


	48. Bernie

**I hope you know that it isn't easy to write this story, because I'm having several characters explain something I never understood myself (ie why Olivia never heard from anyone). I'm just trying to make sense of it in my amnesia setting. This chapter was a tough one. I hope you'll enjoy my Bernie!**

...

 **48\. Bernie**

"Reasons? What reasons?!" Elliot asked his mother, an angry edge to his voice.

He pulled his right hand away from his mother's hands and reached for Olivia's. She slipped her hand in his while waiting for his mother to answer the question. Bernie watched them and nodded slightly, a smile on her lips.

"Looks like I was right," she said contently.

She patted Elliot's hand and looked from him to Olivia and back, and then at Olivia again.

"I know you must be wondering why no one bothered to tell you about Elliot's condition, dear."

Olivia just looked at Bernie, not sure how to feel. She was waiting for the woman to explain herself. It wasn't like she owed her an explanation, or that Olivia was entitled to any kind of attention from the Stabler family. It had just been extremely disappointing and painful to not only lose Elliot, but all of them. When Bernie spoke again, Olivia hung on every word, needing her explanation to make sense, so she could understand.

"The way I see it is, that when my boy lost his memory, he didn't only lose something. He gained something too. His life had shaped him and he'd become one possible version of himself. And now, he had a chance to start all over again, without any restrictions. Nothing to tie him down or distract him from becoming who he was meant to be. There were no rules anymore. No narrow-minded views of how things were 'supposed' to be, or how he was 'supposed' to act. In a twisted way, I even envied him a little."

Bernie squeezed Elliot's hand again, that she was now holding with both hands, and Olivia held on to his other hand. She could feel him trembling. Or was it her?

"But of course, I could see he was in pain, too. He felt so lonely, he didn't recognize anyone anymore. And when he needed some peace and quiet, he came to me. To _me_ , Olivia. Can you believe it?"

Olivia couldn't help but smile a little. She knew Bernie had been desperate for her son's attention but he had always avoided her. Bernie had gotten back a son who didn't remember all her failures as a mother. A son who felt at ease with her and who accepted her just the way she was, with all her quirks and unpredictability.

"I could see him struggling," Bernie continued, "but I could also see that a huge burden had been lifted from his shoulders. He told me he felt like he was looking for something, or someone, but other than that, he was more at peace than I had ever seen him. He asked me questions about his childhood, and I showed him pictures. I told him about the nice things we used to do when he was little."

"You never told me about my father," Elliot interrupted her. "Or even about yourself. You only told me about me."

"That's because _you_ are all that matters, Elliot," Bernie said, emphasizing each word.

Olivia could see that she was tense and that the muscles in her face were twitching a bit, but she still managed to tell them exactly what she wanted to tell them.

"I could only tell him about himself, Olivia," Bernie said, looking at the brunette at the other side of her son's hospital bed. "I was convinced that anything else he would need to remember to truly become himself, would come back to him eventually. I didn't want to influence him in any way to choose his path."

"Kathy tried to influence him," Olivia interjected, wondering how much of this had been arranged by Kathy.

"Kathy," Bernie sighed, shaking her head. "Poor Kathy. She tried to paint a perfect world for herself, _and_ for Elliot. She thought they had a chance to start over too, but you can't create happiness and unconditional love where there was none before. So sad to watch her fight and fail. But I guess she needed to try, to finally accept that it was really over."

"Did you tell her this?" Olivia asked.

"I tried," Bernie said with a sad smile. "But do you think she'd listen to me?"

Olivia guessed not. Kathy lived in her own world of how she had hoped things would be and wouldn't take her batty mother-in-law's advice about how to deal with her marriage or her husband.

"Kathy was trapped too, you know," Bernie continued. "They both were. But Elliot is free now."

She smiled widely at her son, her eyes moist with tears. She really loved her son very much. Olivia could see it, and she could hear it in Bernie's words. A lot of what the woman had told them, made sense. But Olivia's question still hadn't been answered.

"Why didn't any of you ever tell him about his job and ... his former co-workers?" she asked Bernie.

"You mean about you."

The woman might have a mental illness but she was no fool.

"Yes," Olivia admitted.

"Well, he found you, didn't he? Katie tells me he even remembers you now."

"Four years, mother. You didn't say a word for four years!" Elliot said harshly.

Bernie looked down at her hands, which were now clutching Elliot's hand tightly. She was fidgety and her voice was shaky when she continued.

"I have to admit, that my sense of time is ... different from yours. I enjoyed having Elliot around so much and ... maybe I was being selfish. I never intentionally _waited_ for him to remember you, Olivia. I just assumed that he would, if you were truly a part of who he was supposed to be. I don't put a clock on things. It was Elliot's process. Maybe I was wrong. But Kathy tried to force things and I would _never_ do that ... I ..."

They could tell that Bernie was struggling a bit. Maybe she really hadn't thought that she would need to bring them together.

"He started making choices after a while. He left Kathy but remained a father to Eli and the other children. He moved to Manhattan. Started working out again. Even traveled. And he kept coming here. He was happy."

It almost sounded like Bernie was trying to convince herself that Elliot had been happy, and she was near tears.

"I knew you loved him at one time, Olivia," she said, looking up at her son's partner while tears trickled down her cheeks. "But so did Kathy."

She took a deep shaky breath.

"It wasn't up to me."

"No, it was up to _me_."

Bernie jumped a little at Elliot's sudden words.

"But I never even knew she existed, mother."

"I was sure you'd find her if you had to."

"A little help would have been nice."

"I was sure you'd find her ..." Bernie repeated.

Olivia could tell that Bernie was reaching her breaking point, and she rounded the bed quickly.

"Bernie ..."

The older woman looked up at her, more tears running down her cheeks. Olivia could see a genuine fear in her eyes. It was the fear of losing her son again, just when she'd gotten him back. She was shaking and Olivia placed her hands on the woman's upper arms gently.

"Four years is a long time, Bernie."

She started nodding fervently, reaching for Olivia's face.

Her voice was agitated when she spoke again, defending herself.

"I ... I just saw him grow and ... he was at peace. Not completely, I know. He was still looking for himself. And you. I know that now but I didn't know for sure before. But Elliot wasn't trapped anymore. I didn't count the days, I just watched him. I watched him enjoy life like I'd never seen him do before. And it was so good to have him around. I felt like maybe I had done something right after all."

Olivia hung her head. What could she say to that? She knew the woman was emotionally fragile and insecure and she knew she shouldn't push her. But although her perception of time may be different, she must have known that a long time had passed.

"If you knew I loved him," she said quietly, feeling the emotion of her own words, "you must have known I missed him."

Bernie leaned her forehead against Olivia's bowed head.

"I thought you two had parted as friends when he retired, just like Katie thought. And if Elliot needed you back in his life, that he'd find you. I am so, _so_ sorry that you thought he had abandoned you."

...

Elliot watched the two women at his bedside, who clearly loved him very much, holding each other and sharing their pain. Over him. And his mother's last words made him realize that part of this had been his own doing. Only he didn't remember that part. He needed to remember those months between the shooting and his birthday. To remember why he had disappeared from Olivia's life without a word, and why everyone had thought they had said goodbye to each other. He just _had_ to remember.

...

 **So, can you see Bernie's point of view? And Elliot's own role in how it all turned out? Please let me know in a review.**


	49. Questions

**It is great to hear from you all, and to read how invested some of you are in this story. I hope this chapter will give you an idea of where we're headed. Enjoy!**

...

 **49\. Questions**

Olivia held Bernie loosely, her hands moving from the older woman's arms to her back. Bernie's hands now rested on Olivia's shoulders and Olivia could feel the tension in her fingers. Bernie was terrified and Olivia didn't want her to be afraid. But she knew Elliot was angry with his mother right now. Or at least a little pissed off. He'd remained relatively calm while his mother had explained her side of things, but Olivia knew that there might be more anger ahead. And somehow, she wanted to protect the older lady from it.

"It's alright Bernie, I understand," she said softly. "I understand."

She glanced at Elliot, who was still staring at his mother. She couldn't read the look in his eyes right now, but she knew it wasn't anger she was seeing. It was more like wonder. When he noticed that she was looking at him, he nodded and forced a small smile.

"Mother. Mom."

Bernie looked up at Olivia first, and then turned to face her son, dropping her hands from Olivia's shoulders. Olivia stood next to her and rubbed her back gently. The woman was practically shaking.

"Yes dear," she said softly.

"I need to know about the time between the shooting and when I lost my memory."

Bernie blinked a few times. She seemed confused.

"Did you hear what I just told Olivia?" she asked her son.

"Yeah. I ... we'll talk about it some time. What can you tell me about those months after I left the NYPD?"

Bernie looked at Olivia again, but Olivia was as much in the dark as she was.

"El, what are you looking for?" she asked him, and both women stepped closer to the man in the hospital bed.

Elliot shrugged, making a helpless gesture with his hands.

"Everyone thinks we said goodbye to each other properly and parted as friends. I wanna know why they think that. Because you told me something completely different."

"Do you really want to go into that now?" she asked him, nodding in the direction of his mother subtly.

"I need answers Liv," Elliot replied curtly.

Olivia wanted to respond but Bernie interrupted them, wiping her eyes but finding her voice again.

"I want to help dear. You must have so many questions. But I don't know very much about it. I ... I never came to the house."

Olivia rubbed the woman's back reassuringly again.

"That's okay Bernie, we ..."

"Just tell me what you do know, mother," Elliot insisted, cutting Olivia off.

She frowned at him but Elliot's eyes were fixed on his mother.

"I really don't know much, Elliot. I know you drank a lot and that the children didn't know how to respond to you. Kathy told me this when she invited me to your birthday party. She wanted to surprise you to lift your spirits a little."

"You were there?"

Bernie shook her head and looked from Elliot to Olivia. Her eyes were sad.

"I don't do very well in crowds. I need space around me. I ... I couldn't even get here on my own. I'd get lost in the city. My friend Gladys drove me."

"So where is your friend now, Bernie?" Olivia asked her kindly.

"She's out in the hallway. She doesn't mind. She's my best friend."

Olivia was torn between wanting to find Bernie's friend and the need to protect Bernie from Elliot's frustration, that she could see building up inside him. He wasn't angry but he was actively going after his memories now. He knew he was missing something important.

"So what else do you know?"

Elliot's tense question helped Olivia make up her mind. She needed to stay with Bernie, who was now deep in thought, trying to remember anything that might help her son.

"All I really know is what Kathy told me, and Maureen came by to visit me once with her boyfriend. He's nice," Bernie added, turning to Olivia and putting a hand on her arm. "Did you know they got married? They're living in Los Angeles now. Maureen's really happy."

"Mom!"

Startled, Bernie looked at her son again. Olivia felt bad for her but she did understand Elliot's impatience too.

"Did Maureen tell you anything, Bernie?" she asked her kindly. "Maybe she told you about how Elliot talked about his job after the shooting?"

Bernie shook her head, looking at the ground.

"She didn't tell me much. Only that he was taking it very hard that he had to leave but he had no choice. That was it. We talked about her and her boyfriend mostly. Oh, and there was the letter. Of course."

Bernie's head whipped up and she looked at Olivia with wide eyes, repeating,

"The letter."

Olivia glanced at Elliot, who was as much in the dark as she was.

"What letter?" he asked his mother, who was still staring at Olivia.

"Elliot wrote you a letter. I asked Maureen if he was keeping in touch with you, because you've always been such a great friend to him, and she said he'd written you a letter."

Olivia looked at Elliot.

"I never got a letter from you. Just a note with three words on them and your mini badge."

"I don't know Liv," Elliot said helplessly.

"What did the letter say?" Olivia asked Bernie.

"You didn't get it?"

Bernie was astonished.

"No, I never got a letter from Elliot. Just a tiny note in a big envelope."

"Maureen said ..."

Bernie shook her head.

"I'm sure she said you wrote her a letter, Elliot."

"What did it say?" Olivia asked again.

"That's not for anyone to know, is it? Only for you two."

Elliot hung his head, rubbing his temples with his hands. Olivia could feel a faint headache coming up as well.

"But Maureen assumed that it was a goodbye letter. She said Elliot was done with the NYPD and he would never pick up a gun again."

Elliot lifted his head and his eyes locked with Olivia's. This couldn't be right and they conveyed to each other wordlessly that it couldn't have been a goodbye letter. So what _had_ the letter said? And why hadn't she received it?

It was as if a realization washed over all three of them simultaneously and they all looked at each other in disbelief. Olivia felt the blood drain from her face while Elliot's face flushed red. It was Bernie who finally vocalized what they were all thinking, when she sighed,

"Oh Kathy ..."

...

 **Dun dun! I think you all know now where this is going. Right?**


	50. The last thing you remember

**50\. The last thing you remember**

Elliot couldn't believe it. All this time he'd had the feeling that Kathy was keeping something from him. Could she actually have taken his letter out of the envelope before it was sent to Olivia? Had he told her he was writing to Olivia, and had he let Kathy mail the letter out? That didn't sound right to him. So had she found out about the letter and gone behind his back? And what had he written to Olivia? He wished he could remember this part. Kathy wouldn't be very forthcoming with details, no doubt. So his only hope was, that Maureen actually knew more than she was letting on. He'd had that feeling when she'd told him about his fight with Kathy at the party, but maybe she knew more about this, too.

He looked at Olivia, who was leaning against his bed and also seemed deep in thought. He was grateful that she was back in his life. Nothing had been able to keep them apart, so maybe they shouldn't be too upset about what had happened in between. But he felt like he owed Olivia an explanation. She'd been hurt so badly, thinking he had simply abandoned her, just like everyone else had done that she'd cared about. People had always let her down and without knowing it, he had become one of those people. He didn't want to be and he was quite certain he never intended to be one of them. He'd cared about her too much.

He still didn't really remember Kathy, although he did feel like he was starting to peel away the edges of his memory. He heard her voice in his dreams sometimes, and he somehow knew that the words he was hearing since he'd been in the hospital, were from before his memory loss, not after. She was still just outside of his line of sight, but he could hear her sometimes. Maybe he could pretend to remember, to lure her out and get her to admit ...

"Elliot."

Elliot looked at his mother and put his interrogation tactics aside for the moment.

"I can speak with Kathy if you want. I want to help."

He smiled at his mother. He didn't really remember her either, but he had come to love the woman he'd gotten to know over the past four years. She showered him with love without making him feel uncomfortable. Her door was always open for him and he loved spending time there, by the ocean. She'd let him spend the night and just go about his own business, and when he'd get back from a long walk on the beach, she'd have coffee ready for him or dinner. He could relax with her. She was right. She had never put pressure on him in any way. She just wanted him to be happy.

"That's okay mother, I'll deal with Kathy myself."

"You're not upset with me?" his mother asked him, her eyes still a little restless and insecure.

"No. It's alright mom."

Bernie bit her lip and grabbed his hand, holding it tight. Olivia looked at him and smiled. She didn't want to upset the older woman either. It wasn't her fault.

There was soft knock on the door again, and another older lady came into the room.

"Gladys," Bernie said.

"Hello everyone. Is everything alright in here?" Gladys asked.

"It is," Elliot said before his mother could answer her friend. "It's good to see you again, Gladys."

...

After all the necessary introductions had been made, Olivia sat back and watched Elliot interact with the two older women. He was a charmer and they both fell for it big time. He had Gladys giggling and nudging her friend Bernie in no time, and winked at Olivia, who just shook her head, smiling. Olivia walked out to get everyone a cup of tea, and after about 45 minutes, Gladys suggested to Bernie that they head on home. They all said goodbye and Bernie held her tight when Olivia gave her one last hug.

"Take care of him, Olivia," she said softly.

"I will," Olivia promised. "And as soon as Elliot is up to it, we'll come visit you."

Bernie left with a smile on her face and as soon as the door had closed behind the two ladies, Olivia scooted close to Elliot on the bed to kiss him softly.

"What was that for?" Elliot asked, looking up at her with his baby blue eyes that could make her heart miss a beat.

"Just to say thanks that you were so kind to your mother."

"Why wouldn't I be?" Elliot asked, but when Olivia cocked an eyebrow, he admitted, "Alright, it took some effort, but I think we both know who to blame here. Mother is just ... mother. She couldn't be expected to intervene, and like she said, Kathy wouldn't have listened to her anyway."

They sat in silence for a while, wondering about that letter. What could Elliot have written to her? And had Kathy really taken the letter out of the envelope before it was sent to her? Elliot was right, they needed to find out what had happened between the shooting and his birthday.

"What's the last thing you remember?" Olivia finally asked him. "You say you remember our entire history together. So where do the memories end?"

Elliot closed his eyes and sat back against the pillows Olivia had propped up for him after their nap.

"The last thing I remember?" he asked, and she could tell he was thinking really hard. All of his memories were still very fresh and she could imagine that they were still somewhat confusing. But after a minute, Elliot spoke up.

"I remember shooting that girl because ... because I was terrified that she'd shoot you next."

Olivia's mouth fell open and she stared at Elliot, who was slowly opening his eyes.

"You thought she'd shoot _me_ next? She was aiming for the cage."

"She'd already shot the woman who was standing next to you ... ehm ..."

"Sister Peg."

"Right. The girl didn't know how to hold that gun."

"And that's the last thing you remember?"

"I remember looking at you ... seeing your eyes staring back at me in horror. After that, I must have shut down. It's all blank after that."

There was silence in the room again as Olivia thought back to those days after the shooting, that had soon turned into weeks and months. It hadn't been until August that Cragen told her Elliot had put his papers in. Almost three months after the shooting. And it had taken another month before she'd received that envelope with the cryptic message, "Semper Fi. El" and his mini badge. She hadn't known what to make of it. Semper Fidelis. Always faithful. It had hurt more than it had helped her move on. Faithful to what? Or whom? And now, Elliot couldn't even tell her what he'd meant. And there was supposed to be a letter. That letter might have explained everything.

"I remember something else," Elliot said pensively, interrupting her thoughts.

"What?"

"Someone told me, 'You need to quit now before you end up a murderer. It's the only solution.'"

"Who told you that?"

Elliot shook his head.

"I don't know."

"Was it a man or a woman?"

Elliot shook his head again and rubbed his forehead with one hand.

"I don't know."

Olivia thought about who would have talked to Elliot after the shooting, and who would give him such advice. Could it have been Tucker or someone else at IAB?

"Was it someone who was trying to push you out, to make you retire?" she asked Elliot cautiously.

Elliot looked at her, puzzled, but after a few moments he said,

"I don't think so. I think this was someone who really had my best interests at heart."

...

 **The plot thickens. More soon. I know I'm cruel but I'm still enjoying the short burst. :)**


	51. It was always going to happen

**Apologies for the delay, I was off line for a few days, I only had my phone. I know some of you are waiting for more fluff. This is mainly a drama meant to honor EO's history on SVU, and reunite them 'in character' while explaining the lack of contact with any of the Stablers over the past few years. Still, there will be some fluff of course! What is an EO fic without it? Read on ...**

...

 **51\. It was always going to happen**

They were interrupted by the nurse, Elliot's doctor as well as Greg, and Olivia decided to step out of the room for a while to let them all work. They had gotten used to her presence by now but she needed some time alone to digest all that had happened over the past few hours. She walked down to the hospital restaurant and sat down with a club sandwich and some juice. She watched other people go by, a lot of them wheeling a loved one into or out of the restaurant, and she wondered when she would be allowed to wheel Elliot out of here. She knew it had hardly been a week since the accident, but Elliot's fever was gone and she couldn't imagine the doctors needing to keep him under constant surveillance anymore. The headaches were a little disturbing, but Olivia thought she and Elliot would be able to manage those together. Before his massive headache, the doctor had said Elliot might be going home tomorrow, so she was hopeful that this was still the doc's goal.

She smiled when she thought about how she'd fallen asleep in Elliot's arms. After checking the time, she'd concluded that she had slept for three hours straight! Who would have thought just a week ago that they'd be here like this today? They had reconnected so fast and so deeply, that it sometimes still felt like a dream to her. But Elliot's vulnerability, and his innocence not remembering anything, had disarmed her completely. He'd shown her his heart, and in return, she had opened her heart for him as well. The return of his memories of their complicated history didn't seem to make him retreat or slow down. On the contrary. It felt right to be with him now, so completely different from how they used to be. It would have been wrong then, but it wasn't now.

She wondered if Kathy would really stoop so low, that she'd sabotage Elliot's attempt to reach out to his partner by making a letter disappear. And even if she had back then, she could have reconsidered after her marriage had failed anyway. Surely, Kathy had seen the news about her abduction as well. She would have known Olivia needed her partner and friend then. Olivia shook her head. Part of her hoped that they were wrong about Kathy and that there was another explanation. But her gut told her that Kathy was definitely involved.

Olivia was relieved that Bernie hadn't kept her away from Elliot for personal reasons, and that she was so happy to see that they had found each other again. Her sadness was genuine, just like Kathleen's had been, finding out that there had been no goodbye and that Olivia had thought Elliot had abandoned her. She wondered why Kathleen hadn't mentioned a letter, but then again, each member of the family seemed to have played their own part without knowing what the others were doing at times. The only one who had known exactly what was going on, must have been Kathy. They kept coming back to Kathy and Olivia couldn't wait to confront the woman once and for all.

...

When Olivia returned to his room about an hour later, Elliot was dead on his feet, leaning against the bed before attempting to climb back in with Greg's help. The nurse and doctor had already left. Elliot had asked the doctor if he was still considering releasing him the next day, and the doc had stayed a while to see how mobile he was by now. The man hadn't seemed dissatisfied with his progress, albeit minor, and Elliot had done his best to prove to him that he could manage hobbling a few yards with crutches. He was used to ignoring pain and wouldn't let his cracked ribs slow him down. Greg said that he hoped the cast would be replaced by a smaller, lighter one, so he would be able to move his knee again. His leg had been broken just below the knee and his knee had been immobilized to protect the broken area from movements for the first few days. But Greg thought it might come off soon, and he'd be able to do more different exercises.

Elliot turned around to sit on the bed when Olivia walked up to him and held out his hand. Olivia smiled and he remembered how her smile had always lit up his days. When she moved close to him, ignoring Greg for the moment, he smirked. He couldn't wait to go home with her and have some more alone time with her soon. They had a lot to talk about and he hoped he'd be able to remember more of his life. But even if he didn't, he knew that remembering Olivia would be enough for him. She really was all he needed to know. His stomach clenched when Olivia draped her arms around his neck and moved between his knees. He held her close and his hands traveled down from her back to her perfect ass just when she kissed him softly. Elliot couldn't suppress a soft moan and Olivia smiled against his lips. He could feel his heart rate climbing again. Now that he remembered more of their rocky partnership slash friendship and the strained way they had kept a thin line between them, it felt almost surreal to just be able to hold and kiss her like this. But he was eager to get used to it and explore it some more.

He kissed her back slowly, sensually until she moaned as well and he felt more of his body parts starting to respond to her proximity, her taste and the feeling of her body against his. He could hardly believe this was the same fierce, independent Olivia he had worked with all these years. He moved his mouth close to her ear and whispered,

"I am so glad I told you that I love you right away and that you didn't run."

He felt Olivia shiver slightly and she tightened her hold on him a little.

"Me too," she whispered. "It was easier when you didn't remember."

He chuckled and kissed the skin beneath her ear.

"It was."

"Would you have told me if you'd remembered everything?" Olivia asked.

Elliot lifted his head to look into Olivia's eyes. He could get lost in those big brown eyes, that were looking at him questioningly now, but with a hint of a smile in them too.

"I'm not sure when," he replied truthfully. "But it had to come out some day, right?"

Olivia dropped her gaze to his chest, a smile still on her lips.

"I guess."

"I'm sure of it Liv," he said quietly. "No matter how tense we used to be around each other, and how much we fought, this was always there."

When Olivia looked up at him, he kissed her softly on the lips.

"You know this was always going to happen."

"No. I didn't," she whispered sadly, looking into his eyes. "I never knew it. I thought it was never going to happen. You weren't going to leave your family for me. And I never wanted you to."

Elliot swallowed and nodded, leaning his forehead against hers.

"I know. You were always a bigger person than me."

Olivia chuckled, saying she wasn't so sure.

"Yes you were," he repeated. "You never wanted me to leave my family for you, but I did want to."

"No, you didn't. Not really."

"Why do you say that?"

"If you did, you wouldn't have gotten Kathy pregnant again."

...

 **How about we talk about that some more? And are they even aware that Greg is still there?**


	52. Paternity

**So, in order to prevent (or take away) confusion, because this story is chopped up in so many little pieces, I'm going to give you all a little summary of the questions that still need to be answered in this story:**

 **1\. What happened in those five months between the shooting and the mugging?  
2\. Was Elliot really on his way to see Olivia when he got mugged?  
3\. Was there a letter, and if so, who took it and does it still exist?  
4\. What does Maureen know?  
5\. Who told Elliot he should get out now before he'd become a murderer?  
6\. What's going on with Liz?**

 **And of course, why on earth did Elliot sleep with Kathy after their separation? That last one will be answered below at last, in a slightly longer chapter. Enjoy!**

...

 **52\. Paternity**

 _"You never wanted me to leave my family for you, but I did want to."_

 _"No, you didn't. Not really."_

 _"Why do you say that?"_

 _"If you did, you wouldn't have gotten Kathy pregnant again."_

Elliot blew out a breath and lifted his head to look at her. Olivia noticed Greg still standing at the foot of the bed, trying not to look or listen at them but probably failing miserably on both counts.

"Maybe we should get you back into bed first," Olivia suggested, nodding in Greg's direction.

"Yeah," Greg said, "Sorry for hanging around but ehm ... I just wanted to show Olivia how to assist you, for when you're released into her care."

Elliot grinned at the physical therapist and Olivia guessed that he welcomed the short break. No doubt, Elliot would need some time to get his memories straight about that time when he'd gone over to the family home and had 'fumbled around like a kid' with Kathy, as he'd put it. Maybe he still didn't remember, because he didn't remember his wife clearly yet. It was a weird situation all around. Elliot remembered his partnership with her, and all the things they shared, and the rest of his life was like a cardboard decor or something. Even his family.

Olivia focused on what Greg explained to her, so she'd know how _not_ to support Elliot while getting him into or out of bed, or up from the couch. Greg recommended getting a trapeze bar so Elliot could move himself around a little, and told her where she could rent one. Once Elliot was safely tucked in again, Greg left them alone to talk. Olivia sat down on the bed on Elliot's left side and looked at him. She could see him thinking about her earlier question, and she waited patiently for him to formulate an answer.

It had been a question for her for years. She had never asked him about it. It hadn't been her place to ask him why he'd sleep with his wife. All she had dared to ask was, what he was going to do. To him, going home had been the only thing to do. He'd frowned at the question because it hadn't been a question for him. He'd been talking about going out to dinner with Kathy to discuss him coming home even before he got her pregnant. But right now, he was telling her he had wanted to leave his family for her.  
At the time, their divorce papers had actually been filed and he _still_ went back and knocked Kathy up again. It had hurt her deeply that he'd decided to go back home, and it had made it final for her. They were never going to be anything more than partners and friends. She'd learned to live with that, and with the pain of walking beside him, wanting him but knowing she was never going to have him. She knew that her heart would be held hostage as long as he was in her life, and she had accepted it. It hurt less than not having him in her life at all.

But if he was claiming now that he'd loved her all along, she deserved to know why he'd slept with Kathy again anyway.

Elliot sighed and she braced herself for his confession. Because it would no doubt be a confession. But it wasn't the kind of confession she had expected.

"I'm not saying I remember all of this Liv," Elliot started, not looking directly at her. "I don't remember the actual act of ... you know, Eli's conception. But I do remember some of what I felt during those months after you came back from, what was it? Oregon?"

Olivia simply nodded, and Elliot continued.

"I told you before that after the Gitano case, I just needed you and the job to stay the same for the time being. There was no denying this _thing_ between us anymore, but I couldn't deal with it. I'm sorry," he added sadly, reaching for her hand.

"And then you took off to Computer Crimes without a word and I tried to lock my heart again. I think we both did. We had to, if we wanted to continue working together."

Olivia nodded, looking down at their joined hands. It was true. Elliot had dropped by several times, suddenly needing Computer Crimes to help solve their cases, but they'd needed the time apart to deal with this new reality of knowing they were too close while they were unwilling to let each other go.

"When you came back, I thought we were going to build on what we had again, and possibly explore our feelings at some point."

She swallowed hard. She hadn't known he had wanted to actually explore their feelings 'at some point' in the future, however distant that future might have been. She hadn't even been sure he _had_ any romantic feelings for her. Not after he'd told her they could never choose each other over the job again. He'd made it seem like it had been a huge mistake to choose her, and that he'd never make that mistake again.

"And then I took off again," she said softly.

He must have been devastated.

"Yeah. I remember feeling so lost. And when you came back, things were different between us."

Olivia nodded. She'd felt it too. They had reconnected after a while after they'd partnered up again. They didn't talk about her absence at all of course but after a while they got closer again, offering each other a kidney and even talking about their partnership once. But there had been a shift between them. They had still been very intense, fighting as if they needed to reestablish their boundaries in stead of finally following their hearts. They were even forced to go through a psych evaluation after getting into trouble over Olivia's half-brother. She had tried so hard to keep Elliot out of it, but he'd shown up anyway. She'd hated him for butting in, but she had loved him all the same. It was like it had always been and the boundaries between them had grown higher and wider. Kathy's pregnancy had sealed the deal for her and things hadn't been the same afterwards. They had ended up acting like an old married couple that appreciated each other, but nothing more.

"I still loved you," Elliot said quietly. "But I thought you had put it all behind you."

Olivia silently cursed her own poker face. Seeing him with Dani Beck had made her pull her walls up high again immediately and Elliot had done nothing to make her lower them once she was his partner again. He'd checked in with her, telling her he needed space to disagree with her. He'd signed the divorce papers at last and then nothing had changed between them.

"I hadn't," she admitted, and Elliot squeezed her hand. "I just didn't know what to do with ... with ..."

"It."

she chuckled.

"Right."

 _It_. That might be the best way to describe this thing between them. Whatever _it_ was.

"Neither did I Liv. I just felt lonelier and lonelier. So when I went home one night to see the kids, I guess I gave in to one of my baser needs and spent the night with Kathy."

Olivia bit her lip.

"She never stopped loving you."

Elliot nodded.

"Maybe. Or maybe she just loved the idea of a family. And she thought she could still get me back by offering me sex."

They were both silent for a while after that. Olivia had hoped for a rational explanation but she should have known there was no rational explanation for how they had both ruined their chance to get together then. It had been purely emotional, driven mostly by fear. They knew what they had, and were afraid of what they might lose as well as what they might gain. Even Kathy may have acted out of fear of the unknown. And so they continued to be partners. Too loyal to each other, but completely unfaithful to their own hearts.

"She got you back by giving you another child," Olivia finally said, her heart breaking just a little bit at her own words.

"Apparently," Elliot said pensively. "You think she planned to get pregnant?"

Olivia looked at Elliot and she could see it was an honest question.

"She didn't know you were going to come over, did she?"

"No."

She shrugged.

"So there's your answer. How could she have planned it if ..."

"Unless he's not mine," Elliot interrupted her, and she could tell that his own words shocked him.

He'd come to love little Eli as his own. Olivia had never even questioned the boy's paternity.

"Did you wonder about that back then?" she asked him, holding his hand a little tighter.

"I don't remember," Elliot said, frowning. "But I'm wondering now. The timing just seems too perfect. She said he was born early after that car accident, but who knows what his real due date was."

Olivia sighed.

"Do you know Kathy actually asked me to convince you to sign the divorce papers right before you signed them? I thought she was ready to move on."

"Did she seem like she was ready to move on when you talked to her the other day?"

Elliot's question had sounded angry. He hadn't witnessed their exchange but he'd clearly gotten a pretty good read on his ex-wife over the past four years. It all kept coming back to Kathy.

"I have to talk to her. Soon. Very soon," Elliot said.

His jaw was set and suddenly he was all of the Elliot she had always known.

"And I'm not talking to her at your place, so I'm calling her today to meet me here. Tonight."

...

 **Dun dun!**

 **I hope this chapter made sense. It was more difficult to write than I had expected.**


	53. The Fight

**Get ready for a conversation that was long overdue. Not the one you might have expected but still. I will not cut it in half this time, so this will be a longer chapter, especially for Stargitay ;)**

...

 **53\. The Fight**

Olivia was getting ready to leave. She needed to relieve Lucy and wanted to spend some time with Noah. Elliot had good hopes that he would be allowed to go home with her the next day, but he still didn't want her to go. The feeling of missing something - someone - for four years had damaged him and he felt it again immediately as soon as Olivia left each day. He couldn't remember being such a dependent person and part of him rebelled against the feeling. He was a _man_. He could stand on his own. Right? Of course he could. But once he was alone in his hospital bed, he couldn't deny that he missed her. He'd missed her too long.

He remembered her now, and he knew she needed space. Smothering her would make her angry and clinging to her would make her back away. It wasn't like him to be like this and he could only hope things would get better over time. He shook off the feeling of dread when she started gathering her things, and asked her,

"Will you stay until I've called Kathy?"

When Olivia looked at him, he couldn't quite read her expression. She seemed sad and tense and something else. Was it anger or could it be jealousy?

"Sure," she said after a beat, putting her coat on but setting her bag back down.

He looked into her eyes until she looked away, wondering if he was doing something wrong.

"You don't want to be here when I call her?" he asked, still trying to put his finger on how she was feeling exactly.

Olivia shrugged.

"I know I don't want to talk to her any time soon, unless she wants to apologize to me."

"I get that," he told her. "I want her to apologize to you too. To both of us."

Olivia nodded curtly and pursed her lips. Elliot decided not to push her and dialed Kathy's number.

...

Olivia couldn't deny she was a little nervous. She had a valid reason for having to leave, and part of her was relieved. She didn't know what she'd do if she saw Kathy again so soon after their altercation. Everything kept coming back to Kathy. Olivia had never thought of the woman as a mean or deceitful person. She just seemed desperate and lost sometimes, unable to deal with how her life was turning out. Maybe despair could drive people to deceit, even basically good people like Kathy. She sighed and watched Elliot while he waited for his ex-wife to pick up the phone.

They had wasted so much time and it made her sad and angry at the same time. She didn't know what she could have done differently. She had reacted the way she had, because she was who she was. The same was true for Elliot. For the longest time it had seemed like they would never be together for this exact reason - because they were who they were. She wondered if things were really going to work out for them this time around. It looked like it, but she knew they weren't done unraveling the past yet and even though she wanted to know what had happened and she wanted to know about that letter, she was a little afraid as well. Because when had things ever worked out for her? Why would it be different this time?

Elliot dropped his phone in his lap and sighed.

"She's not answering."

"Did you call the landline?"

"Yeah. And her cell."

"Maybe she's afraid to talk to you."

"She has good reason."

Olivia bit her lip. What now? It was clear to her that Elliot was eager to get answers. His detective mode was kicking in but they didn't know if they were going to like the answers they would find.

"I'm calling Maureen," Elliot suddenly said.

"She's on the West Coast, isn't she?"

"Yeah, but we can talk on the phone. I hope she's free to talk. Will you stay just a little longer?"

Olivia checked her watch. She had already texted Lucy that she'd be there before four thirty.

"I have a few minutes," she acquiesced.

Elliot quickly found his oldest daughter's phone number and Olivia was glad he'd stayed in touch with his children, even if he didn't remember that they _were_ his children. She wondered briefly if he was in touch with Richard too, but then she focused her attention on Elliot. Maureen had picked up the phone.

...

"Hey Maureen, is this a good time?"

"Hey dad. I heard you were in an accident and I'm sorry I haven't called yet. How are you doing?"

Elliot glanced at Olivia. How was he doing? His physical condition was hardly his main concern. He felt like he was on a case that needed to be solved asap. So he told Maureen that he was on the mend, and then let her know his memories were starting to come back to him.

"Oh, that's great dad! What do you remember so far?"

Elliot looked at Olivia again. She seemed eager to know what Maureen could tell them. He smiled at her and told his daughter,

"Olivia, mostly."

There was a brief silence at the other end of the line.

"Olivia?"

"Yeah. She's here with me. When I saw her, I immediately knew that I knew her. More memories have come back since. Why didn't you ever tell me about her Maureen?"

Silence again. He heard his daughter take a deep breath.

"Maureen?"

"Mom asked us not to."

Elliot closed his eyes briefly. Kathleen had told them Kathy had asked his kids not to tell him about his job, but he still didn't understand why they had all gone along with it so easily.

"Why?" he asked.

"Dad, she just ..."

Maureen was at a loss for words, and the less she told him, the more he had the feeling that she knew a lot more than she was saying.

"She just what, Maureen?" Elliot asked her more urgently. It was pissing him off that she wouldn't just answer the question. "Do you know something we should know about?"

"We?" Maureen asked immediately, a sharp edge to her voice. "Who's we?"

"Olivia and me," Elliot said with a sigh. "Honey, it turns out that Olivia was the key to getting a lot of my memories back. I just want to understand why no one in the family thought of involving her after I got amnesia. She was such a huge part of my life ..."

"Exactly," Maureen cut him off suddenly. "That is exactly why we didn't tell you about her. We were glad you finally left that job. It almost killed you inside, and your marriage too."

Elliot tried to stay calm but it wasn't easy. He knew Maureen still wasn't telling him everything she knew.

"Are you talking about the job or about Olivia?" he asked through gritted teeth.

Olivia stepped closer to him and put a hand on his shoulder. He heard Maureen sigh again, and it sounded like she was walking into a different room and closing the door behind her.

"Maybe I should tell you about that fight with mom now," she said, and she sounded deflated. "You don't remember that?"

"No, I don't," Elliot said, feeling tense and hopeful simultaneously that they were going to get some answers at last. "I remember my partnership with Olivia, right up until the shooting of that girl. After that, it's all a blur."

"Okay," Maureen said softly. "I'm glad you're remembering dad. Maybe we were wrong to try and shield you from what the job had done to you. I ... I thought I was helping mom. She really wanted another chance with you."

Elliot wanted to say something but decided to let it slide for now. He wondered if Kathy had really wanted _him_ , or just the perfect family picture.

"Just tell me about that fight on my birthday Maur."

Then she finally told him everything she knew about that day. Kathy had organized a surprise party for his 45th birthday to cheer him up. He'd been very gloomy, especially the last month leading up to his birthday, and usually drank too much. They all hoped to lift his spirits a bit and show him that there were a lot of people who cared about him. They had managed to get quite a crowd to come, and Elliot had been genuinely surprised. He had laughed at first and was happy to see some of his more distant relatives again. But after a while, he had noticed that no one he'd known from work was there. None of his former co-workers, no one from the DA's office, TARU or the lab. He'd found Kathy and had confronted her, asking why she hadn't invited a single one of the people he'd gotten to know through work. He'd had his share of beers and other drinks by then, and hadn't exactly been quiet. When Kathy had tried to shush him, he'd gotten angry, Stabler style.

 _"Don't you shush me!"_

 _"Elliot please."_

 _"No Kathy. Just tell me why you didn't invite them!"_

 _"Well, it's not like you've been keeping in touch anyway," Kathy argued. "I thought you'd left that life behind you. It's time to look at the future, Elliot."_

 _"What future?!" Elliot spat. "Do I just sit around the house like I have been doing these past months? Because you gotta admit Kathy, it's not like things are getting any better between us."_

 _"I wanna keep trying Elliot," Kathy hissed, keeping her voice down and trying to get him to do the same._

 _"Why?" he yelled. "It's not going anywhere and you know it!"_

 _"Elliot!"_

 _Elliot stalked closer to his wife, getting in her face while he spoke._

 _"You gotta face it some time, Kathy. Maybe it wasn't the job all this time. Maybe it was_ us _."_

 _And then Kathy finally snapped._

 _"Or maybe it was your beloved Olivia!"_

 _"What?!"_

 _"You heard me. I know you were drooling all over her Elliot. You spent more time with her than you did with me!"_

 _"We were working!"_

 _"Blah blah blah. I've heard that one once too many times Elliot. How stupid do you think I am? How many times did you sleep with her?"_

 _"Shut up!"_

 _"No Elliot. Let's do this once and for all. How many times!"_

 _"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about," Elliot hissed._

 _Their faces were just inches apart and neither of them was backing away._

 _"I think I know damn well what I'm talking about. Or else, why wouldn't you just answer the question?"_

 _"Never."_

 _"Excuse me?"_

 _"Not. Once. Never."_

 _Kathy scoffed._

 _"I wouldn't do that to you,_ or _to her. And she wouldn't do that to you. She's a decent person!"_

 _"But you want her. I know you do!" Kathy spat, recovering quickly from her shock at Elliot's answer._

 _"I know I don't want_ this _anymore, Kathy. Things haven't gotten better at all since I retired. Only worse, and I'm done."_

 _That finally stunned Kathy into silence, but only briefly. She took a small step back to create some distance between her and her husband, and then spoke again._

 _"You're going to run back to her?"_

 _Elliot took a step towards her, closing the distance once again._

 _"You really don't get it, do you?" he said, his voice a low, menacing rumble._

 _Kathy's response was a reflex._

 _"Looks like she's finally done with you too, doesn't it. Since she stood you up. So where you gonna go now?"_

 _Disbelief flashed across Elliot's face, followed quickly by realization._

 _"Yeah. She stood me up. But how do_ you _know about that!"_

 _Kathy didn't say a word._

 _"You followed me?"_

 _"Of course not."_

 _Elliot turned away from her and Kathy took a deep breath, finally free of his suffocating proximity. He glanced around and saw Maureen watching them, her eyes filled with worry. Elliot turned back around slowly to face his wife._

 _"Did you see the letter?"_

 _The guilt in Kathy's eyes was immediate and something clicked in Elliot's brain._

 _"Did she even_ get _the letter?!"_

 _He looked like he was ready to explode. He would never lay a hand on a woman, but Maureen knew he would have knocked Kathy out if she'd been a man._

 _"Screw you Kathy," he hissed. "I never want to see your face again!"_

"You ran out after that and the rest is history," Maureen concluded sadly.

"My God," Elliot sighed. He didn't remember that fight but the rage that was bubbling inside his gut felt very familiar.

"I'm sorry daddy. I just ... I just wanted you guys to try again, one more time. Please tell Olivia I'm sorry too."

"What was in that letter?" Elliot asked his daughter while putting a hand to his forehead.

Those damned headaches were becoming annoying.

"I don't know. You should ask mom."

"I will, Maureen. Believe me, I will."

...

 **Dun dun!**

 **Some answers at last. And new questions! Please review and feel free to speculate about this story (I just love it when you guys speculate, it makes me feel important, hahahah!)**


	54. Energy

**Thanks to my reviewers again for all your kind words. You're the best! I'm sticking with the short-ish chapters and slow (realistic) development of the story, so bear with me, and feel free to save up a few chapters and just read them in one go if you prefer longer bursts. Here's little chapter 54 for you all.**

...

 **54\. Energy**

Olivia had gone home with very mixed emotions. Elliot had written her a letter in September, after his retirement. Apparently, he'd wanted to set up a meeting with her. Since she'd never gotten the letter, naturally she hadn't been there. She wondered if she would have met him if she had received the letter. In part, it would have depended on what else was in the letter, but she knew she probably would have met him. And then on his birthday, he may have been on his way to see her. How would she have reacted if he'd suddenly shown up on her doorstep, half drunk and fuming?

She shook her head. They would never know now. These were what-ifs that would never be answered and it looked more and more like it was all on Kathy. Maureen had assumed that Elliot had written her a goodbye letter, but after overhearing their fight, she must have known better. She had been loyal to her mother, wanting her to have one more chance with her father after he'd lost his memory, having forgotten that he'd just walked out on his wife. They had all gone along with it, and that hurt. They had felt that, in order for their parents to have a real shot at happiness, she shouldn't be anywhere near them.

Maureen had apologized over the phone, so Elliot had told her. To both of them. Olivia wanted to accept her apology, just like Kathleen's and Bernie's, but the pain would remain for a long time to come. They hadn't wanted her around.

On the bright side, Elliot would probably be released into her care the next day. His headaches hadn't gotten worse and if he made it through the night without any new incidents, they were willing to let him go. He would need to check in weekly though, and the amnesia specialist wanted to schedule a few appointments as well. Olivia had urged Elliot not to ask Kathy to come over that night, because she feared he would have another migraine attack and that his doctor wouldn't let him go. Elliot maintained that he wasn't going to receive Kathy at her place, and she told him they'd think of something.

Right now, she was watching Noah attempt to brush his own teeth. He was making lots of foam and was having fun, and she couldn't help smiling. Focusing on her son, she set about trying to help him, although Noah thought that was completely unnecessary. They had a lot of fun together, and after she'd read Noah two bedtime stories, she stayed with him for a little longer, half sitting, half laying on his big boy bed with him. Noah was her number one priority, and a big reason she hadn't even bothered trying to date lately. She simply didn't have the energy to do her job, take care of Noah and invest in new relationships.

She thought of Elliot. He wasn't exactly a new relationship, and without having to think about it, she was pouring enormous amounts of energy into him and their relationship. She smiled and kissed Noah's forehead as he dozed off in her arm. Hadn't it always been that way? No matter how busy they'd been and how little sleep they had gotten at times, she had always found time to check in with Elliot, like he had with her. They had _made_ time to check in with each other, and it hadn't been an effort. Having Elliot around had always been so natural, and that's why it had hurt so deeply to suddenly be without him. Without any warning, there wasn't anyone checking in with her anymore. Not like he had, wordlessly understanding her, not asking any difficult questions, making her feel anchored and safe just by being there.

Olivia had tried to find someone after Elliot left. David had helped her see that all wasn't lost. There were still good men out there, willing to take the time to get to know her. She still thought she would have opened up further to him if he'd stuck around. Only he hadn't, and she'd locked her heart away once more. She and Brian had had a good run and she still blamed Lewis for destroying it. It wasn't all his fault and she knew it, but it was easier to blame Lewis than to admit she would never have let Brian in completely. She loved him, but they were just too different, no matter how hard they'd tried to make it work. Or maybe, how hard Brian had tried. He deserved more than she could give him in the end.

And now she had Noah. Sweet Noah who had changed her life more than any other man had managed to do. He had changed her priorities and had made her see she needed to focus on other things aside from her job. She had always treated her job as her life's goal but there was more. It was possible to have a life outside the job as well, and her now sleeping son was living proof of that. Olivia still felt she didn't see him enough, but his love for her showed her every single day that she must be doing something right.  
Her thoughts drifted to Eli. Could it really be, that he wasn't Elliot's after all? That Kathy had somehow tricked him into coming back? She couldn't imagine it. How could she have known Elliot would come over and sleep with her? She hadn't exactly been inviting during the time they'd been separated. She honestly hoped Eli _would_ turn out to be Elliot's, for everyone's sake. She blocked all thoughts about having been young enough to have a child of her own at the time Kathy had gotten pregnant again. That was another life, that she had already mourned over. She wasn't going to dwell on it again.

When she finally left Noah's room, she took a shower and changed into her pajamas, planning to turn in early. She wondered if Elliot had tried calling Kathy again, and if so, if she'd picked up the phone. He had promised her he'd call her if he heard from her, so she kept her phone nearby while she had one glass of wine before going to bed. Just when she got up to brush her teeth and call it a night, her phone rang. It was Elliot.

"Hey, I was just about to turn in."

"Hey, me too," Elliot joked, and she could almost hear his smile through the phone.

"Did you try calling Kathy again?" Olivia asked, getting straight to the point.

"I did. She didn't answer but finally sent me a text, telling me she was at work, working a late shift, and she'd call me back tomorrow."

Olivia sighed. It made sense that the woman wouldn't be up for a heavy conversation with her angry ex while at work.

"If she agrees to meet me and I'm released already, I thought we could do it somewhere near the hospital, or otherwise somewhere near your place."

"In public?" Olivia asked incredulously.

That didn't sound like the wisest idea, considering things might get a little heated between the two former spouses. She heard Elliot chuckle and she was glad he was so relaxed.

"Yeah, maybe we should rent a hotel room and talk there," he suggested and Olivia shook her head.

"You can do it here El, it's fine with me."

"No Liv, I'm not going to expose your son to such an ugly confrontation," Elliot argued, "and I don't want her at your place at all. It's yours and it's not the right place to hash out my family problems. Let's just wait and see what time she calls, okay? We'll take it from there."

Olivia had no choice but to agree with his reasoning, and they ended the call. Olivia felt a chill shoot up her spine when Elliot told her softly,

"I love you Liv."

"I ... I know," she stammered, trying to let the new reality sink in that they could say these things to each other now.

"We'll be okay, no matter what."

"Yeah. I love you too El."

"Sleep well."

"You too."

...


	55. Elizabeth

**General note: isn't fan fiction THE BEST escape from reality sometimes? Sighs. Refocuses. Ready.**

 **I knew the previous chapter would garner less response because there was no action, just reflection. I like to let our main characters reflect on their long history to honor it and to anchor this story securely in it, but let's continue and see how you like this one, shall we? A loooooong one, just to make sure enough is happening ;)**

 **I know it's a subplot I'm exploring here, but I want all the Stabler kids to have their own moment in the story. Today it's Elizabeth's turn. And yes, she will eventually contribute a little to the main plot, just like the others, so bear with me ...**

 **PS. I'm perfectly okay with criticism. All feedback is appreciated and I try to use it to improve my writing.**

...

 **55\. Elizabeth**

Olivia had slept relatively well, aside from a few restless dreams that fortunately, she couldn't quite remember after waking up. She decided to start their morning quietly, allowing Noah to crawl into bed with her and snooze for a while longer before they took on the task of making breakfast together. Noah was excited about going to day care and Olivia was glad now that she'd started taking him there early on. He loved playing with the other children and always had happy stories when he got home. She had called to let the center know she was bringing Noah a little later. That usually wasn't a problem, as long as mom stayed out of sight of the other children. Seeing another parent sometimes made children long for their own mommy or daddy, so she or Lucy usually handed Noah over to his teacher in the hallway when they were late.

She hadn't heard from Elliot again, and Olivia couldn't help wondering if Kathy was going to call him, and if so, if she had any idea what he wanted to talk to her about. But Maureen had probably called her already, ever supportive of her mother. She couldn't wait to hear Kathy's defense for making a letter disappear and hiding the end of their marriage from her husband. And what would she say if Elliot decided to question Eli's paternity? She knew Kathy always talked about how things were 'supposed to be', and she couldn't really imagine the blonde dating again and taking a guy home. And Elliot _had_ slept with her. Maybe even more than once. Olivia had never asked about that, of course.

"Momma go to Ewwie Ot?" Noah asked her after swallowing the last of his pancakes.

Olivia smiled, suddenly feeling butterflies in her stomach.

"Yes, my love. And Elliot is coming to stay with us for a while."

Noah's big eyes lit up.

"Ewwie come with us?" he squealed happily.

"Yes baby. When you come home today, Elliot will be here. Do you like that?"

"Yeeey!" Noah yelled, clapping his little hands. "Ewwie Noah big friend."

Olivia almost teared up at her son's enthusiasm.

"That's right baby. Elliot is your big friend."

"And mommies friend."

"Yes. He's mommies friend too."

...

Olivia was still smiling when she got into her car outside the day care center. Noah had started babbling about his big friend immediately when he'd spotted his teacher. He'd waved happily at his mother, not sad at all that she was leaving. Because mommy was going to get his big friend. She started the car and drove to the hospital. She couldn't believe it had been only a week. She'd been here every day since the accident and now she was taking Elliot home with her. If someone had told her this beforehand, she would have had them committed. No way would she reconcile with her old partner that easily after they way he'd abandoned her as if she had meant nothing to him at all. Within a few days, everything had changed. He had left her, yes. But he had never intended to stay away. He had finally admitted that his marriage was over and that he loved her. He had wanted to meet her, possibly to tell her just that. She believed him. There was no denying the sincerity and the love in his bright blue eyes. And now she was taking him home with her. He would be sleeping in her bed ...

There was a little bounce in her step when she walked up to Elliot's room. When she went in, she saw Greg standing next to Elliot, who was also standing. He grinned at her when he saw her, and lifted his left leg, showing off his new cast. The smaller cast ended just below the knee, allowing him to bend his leg slightly. Olivia tried to keep her eyes on either the cast or Elliot's face, but she couldn't help taking in the rest of him as well, including his tight t-shirt and his black boxer briefs that both accentuated their contents rather well. He really was amazingly well-built, and well-trained for his age.

When she looked into his eyes again, she could tell he'd seen her check him out. She blushed when he winked at her.

"Ready to take me home, babe?" Elliot asked her, and her eyebrows shot up.

"Babe?!"

" _Oops_ ," Greg muttered softly, trying but failing to hide a smirk.

Elliot just kept grinning, daring her to look away first or to tell him to lay off on the nicknames. One corner of Olivia's mouth tugged up and she shook her head, deciding to just let it slide for now.

"So he's actually being released?" she asked Greg.

"Yes, he is. We've already arranged for the rent of his crutches, but if you want a wheelchair too, you'll have to arrange that yourself. And don't forget the trapeze bar I told you about," Greg reminded her.

"What about clothes?" Olivia asked, glancing down Elliot's body again.

"My daughter Liz called me earlier to ask how I was doing," Elliot chimed in. "I asked her to swing by my place and get me some sweats I can wear when I leave here, and some other things for when I'm at your place. She should be here any minute."

Olivia was actually curious about Elizabeth after what Kathleen had told her about her youngest sister's living arrangements. They listened patiently to Gregs instructions while waiting for Elizabeth to show up, and a while later, Elliot's doctor came in with his release papers and prescriptions for his medication and pain killers. After half an hour, Elizabeth arrived with a friend that she introduced as Jessie.

Jessie shook hands with Elliot and Olivia politely but stayed in the background while they talked with Elizabeth. Olivia couldn't quite read the young woman, who seemed a little apprehensive around both of them. She had greeted her kindly, saying it had been too long and asking how she was doing, but Olivia could see why Elliot had wondered about her. Elizabeth was incredibly closed off. Olivia tried some small talk, asking both girls about school while Elliot slowly put on his sweatpants and sweatshirt. They gave short answers and when Olivia asked about their apartment, the girls glanced at each other before Elizabeth answered,

"We live in a group. Saves rent."

And that was the end of that conversation. Olivia asked if the girls wanted to come with them, inviting them for tea at her place, and they accepted.

...

Elliot was ready to go, and sat down in the wheelchair Greg had left for him. They could use it to wheel him to the exit, and would have to leave it there. It took some effort to get into Olivia's car, but they managed, and once they were all seated and Olivia started the car, he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Man, it's good to be out in the real world again," he said.

He glanced at his daughter and her friend in the rear-view mirror.

"It's good to see you again, Liz."

"Yeah dad. I'm so glad you're starting to remember things. But I bet you're remembering things now too that you wish you didn't know, right?"

Elliot nodded, wondering how much his youngest daughter knew about what her mother had done.

"That's true I guess. Everyone is helping me put things together. There are still quite a few gaps though. So if you can help me fill them in, that would be great."

His daughter nodded and glanced at her friend Jessie.

"Anything to help, dad," Elizabeth sad quietly.

Elliot couldn't shake the feeling that something was up with both girls and he exchanged a look with Olivia. She was feeling it too. It wasn't a long drive to Olivia's apartment and Elliot looked around to see if he recognized anything.

"I moved here in 2013 so you wouldn't know this place," Olivia remarked.

In fact, Elliot remembered some things about Olivia's old apartment, but it was actually a relief that he wouldn't need to remember her place now. They all exited the car, and Elliot tested out his skills with the crutches, hoping he could make it into the elevator without any help. He saw both Olivia and Elizabeth roll their eyes simultaneously and then chuckle when he refused their help, and he was glad that things weren't too tense between them. Kathleen had told him that Elizabeth had pretty much shared her twin brother's opinion that Olivia had been a threat to their parents marriage, but she was being very polite to Olivia now. He managed to get into and out of the elevator on his own, but was glad when Olivia and Elizabeth helped him settle on Olivia's couch together. His chest and hip were a bit sore and he knew he would need to work hard to get fit again, because he was exhausted after being up for so long at a time.

Olivia set about making tea for everyone and Elliot used the opportunity to study Jessie some more. Both girls had sat down on the stools at Olivia's breakfast bar. Jessie was a very slender girl with black sleek hair, cut into an unsymmetrical bob line. She was wearing skinny jeans and white sneakers, and an off the shoulder knitted black sweater over a black tank top. She wore heavy black makeup around the eyes, her skin was pale and he couldn't help wondering if she was eating enough. His daughter, a blushing blonde without any makeup, was also slender but still looked healthier to him. She was also in jeans and white sneakers, and wore a light turtleneck sweater.

"So, have you two been friends long?" Olivia asked them innocently.

Elliot smiled inwardly. Olivia was trying to get a better read on the girls as well.

"Ehm, yeah. We live with four other people and we all moved into the loft in the same week," Elizabeth said. "We already knew we shared a few classes, but we didn't really know each other. But we became friends right away."

Jessie just nodded, and Olivia glanced at her while putting the kettle on the stove.

"Do you like living there?" Olivia asked.

The girls looked at each other again and Jessie fidgeted with her sweater.

"It's all we could afford at the time," Elizabeth said quietly.

"You needed to get out of the house, right?" Olivia said, leaning on the breakfast bar and looking at his daughter with concern and understanding in her eyes.

Elizabeth turned to look at her father and Elliot nodded at her.

"I understand kiddo."

Elizabeth breathed out slowly and nodded.

"Yeah. When dad left I just ... mom was leaning on me as it was, and that was only going to get worse. I just had to get out of there for my own sanity."

"And the loft was the only way to get out," Olivia deduced.

Both girls nodded, and Elliot wondered what Jessie had ran away from. Before he could ask anything, Olivia had turned her attention to the black-haired girl.

"And you, Jessie?"

Jessie bit her lip and Elizabeth put a comforting hand on her friend's thigh.

"Jessie lived with her dad and stepmom. Classic Cinderella story."

"Did they hurt you?" Olivia asked, but she regretted the question immediately and added, "I'm sorry Jessie. It's none of my business. I'm just used to talking to kids from families with difficulties and I sometimes ask too many questions."

"You worked at the same unit as Liz's dad?" Jessie asked, and Elliot was struck by her her hoarse, timid voice.

"I still work there," Olivia confirmed.

"Oh."

The girls exchanged another look, and Elliot was beginning to worry a little about them. Olivia turned back to her kettle because the water had started boiling, and prepared tea for all four of them. The girls moved to the couch and sat down next to each other. They seemed like two scared little birds and Elliot's fatherly instincts kicked in at last.

"Girls, if there is something going on that I should know about, just tell me okay? I'll do whatever I can to help."

Olivia gave him a look when she handed him his tea, and he shrugged lightly. Her gentle probing hadn't yielded much, so he was taking a more direct approach.

"What makes you think there's something going on dad?" Elizabeth asked. "We just came over to bring you some clothes and to see how you're doing. I'm so glad Olivia is helping you out now that you're so ... helpless."

She smirked and Elliot knew she was trying to change the subject. He exchanged another look with Olivia, who tried again.

"Honey, your father and I have been in this line of work for a long time. Let's just say our spider senses are picking up something, and if you need anything, we're here for you. Both of us."

Both girls bowed their heads simultaneously and then looked at each other again. The both sipped their tea and Elliot and Olivia waited with baited breath for them to speak. Their silence was just more proof that something was up. They were a little surprised when Jessie, the quiet one of the two, finally spoke up.

"When we all moved into the loft, we signed a contract."

Elizabeth kept staring into her cup of tea, and Jessie put a comforting arm around her before continuing.

"I was feeling kinda wild ... I guess we all were. We're three girls and three guys and the girls all signed a contract saying we would all have sex with all three guys at least once a week. The guys are pretty harmless, geeks basically, and officially it's their loft. They own the lease. We didn't see the harm as long as we used protection."

Elizabeth's cheeks were beet-red by now and she had to be embarrassed to admit to having sex with three guys in front of her father.

"The sex was consensual at all times?" Olivia asked, sitting down opposite them on the coffee table, and Elliot was glad she was being professional about it.

He still didn't remember his family clearly, but his concern for Elizabeth's well-being could only be described as that of a father for his daughter. His chest felt constricted and he had to remind himself to keep breathing, or another headache might kick in.

"Yeah, it was, basically," Jessie replied.

"But?" Olivia asked, sensing that there seemed to be a 'but'.

Elizabeth looked up at her friend, who smiled encouragingly at her and rubbed her back soothingly. Elizabeth was the timid one now, not Jessie.

"You're not ashamed of it, are you Liz?" Jessie asked her softly, almost whispering, and Elliot looked from the girls to Olivia.

"No," Elizabeth whispered back, and then added with a firmer voice, "No, I'm not Jessie."

The youngest Stabler girl sat up straight and looked at her father.

"Jessie and me ... we fell in love. I ... I only want to be with her now, not with the guys anymore."

Elliot exhaled slowly. Relief washed over him and tears welled up in his eyes. This was it. This was the secret she'd been carrying with her all those years. And after four years, he finally felt connected to his daughter. He looked at her, seeing apprehension in her eyes, and he realized she had been afraid to come out because she thought her parents would judge her. No wonder she had felt the need to flee the house once she'd be alone there with Kathy and Eli. Kathy wouldn't have understood and she'd had enough to deal with after his departure.  
Elliot had seen enough on the job to have gained an understanding of these identity issues. He knew sexual orientation wasn't a choice. It's part of who a person is, and to deny that is to deny who they are. It wasn't his job as a father to judge his child. His job was to love and protect her, nothing more and nothing less.

Without thinking about his battered body, he reached out for his daughter and her friend, wrapping his arm around Elizabeth's shoulders and putting his hand on Jessie's shoulder.

"Honey ... girls ... if that is what you want, we're gonna make that happen. You don't have to go back to those boys anymore," he said definitively.

Elizabeth let out a soft sob and Olivia reached out to put a hand on her knee. Jessie looked at both of them and asked,

"But how? We can't afford a place of our own."

Elliot looked at Olivia and they had a brief wordless conversation. When Olivia gave him a small nod, he knew they were on the same page.

"Jessie, Liz. I'm going to be staying here with Olivia for a while so my apartment is free. You can use it for as long as you need it."

Elizabeth's head shot up and she looked between the two partners, and then at her girlfriend.

"For real?" she asked, wiping a few stray tears from her cheeks.

"For real," Olivia confirmed. "And if things change, we'll work it out. We won't kick you out in the streets. You can go and get your stuff right now if you want."

Both girls jumped up and hugged each other tightly. Olivia moved to the couch, close to Elliot.

"You okay?" she asked him softly.

Elliot just nodded, watching his daughter in the arms of her girlfriend. He swallowed hard and then whispered,

"She's my daughter."

"You remember?" Olivia whispered back.

"I ... it's not really remembering. It's _knowing._ " he said, his voice trembling with emotion. "She's my daughter."

...


	56. We need to talk

**A little later than I had planned but in all fairness, my other running story deserved some attention too. Without further ado, here's chapter 56 for you!**

...

 **56\. We need to talk**

Elizabeth hadn't quite known what to make of her father's mood now that he seemed to at least recognize his connection to her. She _was_ very relieved that he accepted her relationship with Jessie so easily and Elliot had assured her that the whole family would be okay with it, as long as she was happy. Some might need some more time to get used to the idea - like mom, Elizabeth had interjected, but it would be alright. She would always be family, just like she'd always been. Jessie didn't show much emotion in front of Elliot and Olivia but they could tell she was relieved that her girlfriend had finally come out.

Olivia offered to go with Elizabeth and Jessie to get their things and take them to Elliot's place, because they didn't have a car and also to make sure the boys would let them go without any argument. They got Elliot settled in Olivia's bedroom first. He was very tired and told them he'd probably be practically unconscious the whole time Olivia was away. Olivia trusted him to make it to the bathroom in time if nature called, and he thanked her for being so kind to his daughter.

For Olivia, it was only natural to look out for Elizabeth, not just because she was Elliot's daughter, but also because she had been living in unhealthy circumstances. She felt protective of both girls and wanted to make sure that the three boys knew this wasn't the way they should treat women. She took her badge and gun with her and smiled when she saw Jessie's eyes widen ever so slightly when she holstered her Glock. The girl didn't say anything to her, but when they got ready to leave, she thought she heard her whisper to Elizabeth that she thought Olivia was 'a cool chick'.

Only two of the three boys were home working on a programming project when they arrived at the loft, and they were very meek, clearly impressed with the presence of an NYPD Lieutenant. Olivia made sure they understood that the girls would not be paying any rent from now on and that their little sex contract would not stand up in court. Just the mention of court was enough to stun the young men into silence. She advised them to just invite male students to share the rent with from now on and ignored them after that. When they were all packed and ready to leave, Mandy, the third girl, came home and asked the girls what was going on. After Jessie had explained to her that they were moving out, Olivia asked Mandy,

"If you want out of that contract with the boys, I can help you too, Mandy. Just say the word."

Mandy assured them she would be fine, although she would miss her friends.

"So you're okay with living with three guys and having sex with all of them?" Olivia asked bluntly, to make sure Mandy knew what she was in for.

Mandy bit her lip and admitted that she had started dating someone who had already graduated and had his own place, and she hoped to move in with him as soon as possible.

"Well, if things don't work out with him, here's my card," Olivia said, handing the girl her business card. "And if you're serious about this guy, tell your roommates you won't sleep with them anymore, okay? If they give you any trouble, call me. They can't force you to do anything you're not comfortable with."

Mandy nodded and Olivia hoped she'd gotten through to her. Once they were on their way to Elliot's apartment, Elizabeth told her they'd keep in touch with Mandy. After they'd hauled what little possessions the girls had up to Elliot's third floor apartment, Olivia checked out the place, making sure they girls wouldn't stumble across things Elliot wouldn't want them to see. He hadn't said anything about it, but she decided to check anyway. It also gave her an idea about how he'd lived there over the past thee years. She found nothing at all that would suggest he'd had female company staying over and she scolded herself mentally for even wondering about it. His apartment was modest and practical, but with personal touches too, the most prominent ones being the pictures of Eli on the wall. There was a family portrait as well, but most pictures were of Eli, or Eli and Elliot together. Olivia bit her lip when she spotted one picture of them that was all to familiar to her. It was the same one that had been on his desk.

She heard the girls laughing while they changed the bedding on Elliot's Queen sized bed. She could imagine that the girls would be looking forward to finally being alone, and she decided that she would grab some more of Elliot's clothes and toiletries and then be out of there. She and the girls exchanged phone numbers and Elizabeth and Jessie thanked her once again for her help. She hugged both girls before heading for the door with a duffel bag and a shopping bag full of Elliot's stuff. Elizabeth had her own key to her dad's place so they were all set, and they waved happily at her from behind the living room window when she looked up before getting into her car. She smiled and waved back at them. They would be alright now and she was suddenly eager to get back home to Elliot. She checked the time and decided to pick up Noah early before heading home.

...

Elliot had been sleeping but woke up when he heard a persistent buzzing near his ear. When he opened his eyes, he needed a moment to realize where he was. The buzzing continued, and just when he finally understood it was his phone, that he'd tucked under his pillow before falling asleep, it stopped. He reached for the device and checked his missed calls. Kathy. He knew he should call her back and he had mixed feelings about talking to her. Part of him wanted to have it out with her once and for all, but another part still couldn't believe how she could have kept so much important information from him deliberately. Even her mentioning an NYPD detective that had gotten into some trouble with a rapist seemed suspicious to him now.

He still didn't want to meet with Kathy at Olivia's apartment, and he didn't want to hash it all out with her over the phone. He took a deep breath and then hit the call back button. He wasn't nervous about calling her, just worried that he wouldn't be able to contain his anger. He was also aware that his body hadn't recovered from all the extra exercise of the day yet, getting a new cast and walking on crutches further than he'd had so far. He thought it would be wise to plan a meeting for the next day. He didn't know this part of Manhattan well though and he was still wondering about a suitable location when Kathy answered her phone.

"Hi," she said neutrally.

"Hi," Elliot replied.

"Maureen told me that you were getting released today, is that true?"

"Yeah. I'm at Olivia's now."

"Oh."

An awkward silence hung between them for a few seconds and once Elliot realized that Kathy wasn't going to say anything else, he asked her,

"Did Maureen tell you what she told me about our fight?"

"Yes."

"We need to talk about that Kathy, but I don't want to do it over the phone."

Kathy was silent once again, and Elliot decided to simply wait for her to speak again. He knew that once he started asking her questions, he wouldn't be able to stop. He wanted to know about his letter to Olivia and about Eli and he wanted to understand why Kathy had believed they could start over when it hadn't worked the first time - or even the first several times they had tried - and why she had kept everyone of the NYPD out of his life. He could understand his kids' loyalty to their mother but he would never understand why she would lie to him and why she had never bothered to tell him about Olivia, even after their marriage had collapsed. He had so many questions that he felt dizzy, and the rage that he felt bubbling beneath the surface about the injustice of it all, felt dangerous. Explosive. Like something he couldn't unleash, because it would consume him and everyone that got in his way. It was such a far cry from the peace he'd found over the past four years, learning to live with the white screen of his wiped-out life, that it unnerved him. He didn't know himself like this and he realized he was squeezing his phone so hard that it started to crack a little.

"What do you want to know Elliot," Kathy finally asked him and he couldn't help laughing coldly.

"You're seriously asking me this Kathy?" he said harshly. "I want to know _everything_ you've kept from me these past four years! Everything you've stolen from me by not telling me about it."

"I can't talk to you when you're yelling at me like that Elliot," Kathy said, and he could hear her voice shaking.

"You can't very well blame me for being angry, can you?" he spat, sitting up a little but then wrapping his free arm around his sore chest.

"Maybe not," Kathy admitted, "but there's no reason we can't be civil around each other, even if we are divorced."

"It's not about that and you know it!" Elliot yelled. "You _lied_ to me Kathy. Over and over again. And you got everyone to play along with your game. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive you for that! So I expect to see you tomorrow, and I want you to bring the letter and I want a paternity test for Eli!"

"Wh ... _what_?!" Kathy gasped.

"You heard me," Elliot said, trying to control his breathing because he was overexerting himself, yelling at his ex-wife like this.

"Eli is yours," Kathy said softly, and he could tell that she had started crying. "He can't be anyone else's, I swear. I can't believe you're even suggesting ..."

"Well, I'm sorry but right now I'm having a rather hard time believing anything you say or have said to me in the past."

He heard Kathy sniffling and he waited for a few moments so she could calm down before he told her,

"I want to meet you in Manhattan tomorrow at ten. I'll text you the address later. Okay?"

"Okay," Kathy whispered.

"Alright. See you tomorrow."

And with that, he ended the call.

...

 **Review?**


	57. Who would have thought

**I'm truly honored to provide some much needed distraction for a reader who is struggling with their health at the moment. Thank you guest reviewer, and I hope it will all turn out for the best for you! Here is the next chapter, including some Noah cuteness and some innocent EO fluff for you all.**

 **PS. I was/am not trying to delay the confrontation with Kathy deliberately, I just need to write things in the right order and some things just can't be skipped, like Noah coming home and Elliot's first night at Olivia's. Another longer chapter this time, so we can finally get to it after this.**

...

 **57\. Who would have thought**

Elliot's phone buzzed again and he groaned. He was trying to relax and get his heart rate back down to normal after his phone conversation with Kathy and he didn't need an encore. When he checked the phone, he saw he had a text message from Olivia. Seeing her name on the screen brought an instant smile to his face and he opened the message quickly.

 _'On my way home with Noah. Are you decent? ;)'_

He grinned. He was looking forward to seeing the little guy again. He texted her back quickly.

 _'As decent as I'll ever be I guess. Drive carefully. x'_

Olivia smiled when she saw Elliot's reply. The accident hadn't made her afraid to drive, and she was actually happy to put her own car to good use at last, having crashed the NYPD issued sedan that she had often taken home until now. She'd traded her Mustang for a compact Toyota SUV when she got Noah, and she liked driving the modern car. She had been able to shake off the disturbing case that had triggered a few flashbacks to Lewis, and was grateful knowing that the team was in good hands with Dodds and Fin. Barba had texted her earlier, reminding her that she was expected to testify in court the next day, and she made a mental note to call Lucy. She couldn't expect Elliot to look after Noah for her while she was away, and he certainly wouldn't be able to pick him up at day care for her.

Noah was excited about seeing Elliot again and she laughed softly on the drive home, listening to his enthusiastic tales about his day, and about what he and Elliot were going to do once he got home.

"Remember Elliot still has an ouch, Noah," she reminded her son, glancing at him over her shoulder.

"Doctor make ouch better," Noah said innocently.

"Yes, it's a little better but Elliot still has to be careful. So you have to be careful too, okay?"

"Okay," Noah said happily, and Olivia wondered how many times she would need to remind him to be careful with Elliot this day.

Entering their apartment, they pretended to be spies who couldn't be seen or heard, and Noah played along perfectly while they moved from the front door through the living room, without making a sound. But once they pushed the bedroom door open a crack and Noah saw that Elliot had his eyes open, the game was off and he yelled at Elliot,

"Ewwieieie! Noah home!"

"Hey Noah," Elliot said happily, but Olivia could see that Elliot was still tired after his nap.

His eyes were a little restless and she tried to ask him without words if there was something wrong, but Elliot just winked at her, and then gave all his attention to Noah. Noah had climbed on the bed and was telling Elliot about his day. After about ten minutes, Olivia suggested a drink, and Noah followed her to the kitchen, but not after telling Elliot he'd be right back with his favorite dinosaur.

"You 'member Dino, Ewwie Ot?"

"I sure do buddy. I'd love to see Dino again."

After they all had something to drink and a cookie, Elliot and Noah played with his dinosaurs for a while. Olivia used the opportunity to flip through the file of the case she'd be testifying in the next day. Barba had given her a list of questions he was going to ask, and a few questions the defense would probably ask, and she trusted they would be able to get through them without rehearsing them beforehand. She was grateful that she and Barba could work so well as a team.

After dinner Noah was a little disappointed that he couldn't play with Elliot anymore, and even more so when they tried to explain to him that Elliot couldn't tuck him in.

"Maybe you're putting up too much of a brave front with him," Olivia suggested when Noah was finally in bed, and she sat on the bed next to Elliot. "He feels you should be all better by now."

"He'll be okay. And I'll be walking around in no time, you'll see."

Elliot patted her knee and Olivia put her hand over his. She looked into his blue eyes, waiting for him to tell her what had been on his mind ever since she and Noah had come home. She didn't need to ask him, he knew what she was waiting for.

"Kathy called."

"I see. And?"

Elliot blew out a breath slowly and Olivia saw an all too familiar flash of anger in his eyes.

"Wasn't easy to keep from yelling at her through the phone."

Olivia chuckled and squeezed his hand.

"So I told her to meet me tomorrow at ten."

"Where?"

"I was hoping you'd know a place near here. I told her I'd text her the address."

Olivia thought about it for a minute. What could be considered a suitable place for a divorced couple to have a yelling match?

"Maybe a public place isn't so bad," Elliot mused, probably thinking along the same lines as she was. "It'll force us to keep it civil."

"In that case, I know a place," Olivia said, and when Elliot handed her his phone, she typed out the address for him in a message to Kathy. "It's just down the block and the bartender knows me."

Elliot raised an eyebrow and Olivia quickly answered his unasked question.

"Noah and I have popped in on occasion for hot cocoa."

"Right," Elliot said, clearly questioning how complete her story was of her visits to the establishment around the corner.

"It's true!" Olivia insisted. "Well ... and they stock my favorite red wine too."

Elliot nodded slowly, not commenting one way or the other, just looking at her. Olivia knew she'd been drinking more red wine than usual lately, mostly to take the edge off after a tough case or a bad nightmare. But she didn't have a problem with it. She had Noah to consider, after all. She watched while Elliot composed a text message to Kathy around the address she had typed in, but before sending it, he looked up at her again.

"You'll be there, right?"

Part of her wanted to be there, and another part didn't. She didn't know what she'd do if one of the exes lost their temper. Maybe she would be the one to lose her temper, again.

"You want me there? Isn't this between the two of you?" she asked Elliot.

"Are you serious?" Elliot asked, raising his voice slightly, and Olivia blinked and frowned. "Liv, this is definitely not between her and me. You're a huge part of it. You know what Maureen told me, right? About that fight on my birthday?"

Olivia nodded and bit her lip. She remembered. She had never wanted to be the one to break up their marriage, but in the end, she'd become part of their issues after all.

"I never wanted to get caught in the middle," she said hesitantly.

"You won't be. You weren't. Well, maybe you were back then, always trying to fix us, but our problems were never your doing, Liv. Me and Kathy ... we were never going to stay together. I guess we didn't want to see it at first, but even when I didn't remember anything, we agreed that it wasn't going to work out. That has to be proof enough that it wasn't about you. Right?"

Olivia couldn't really disagree with his logic. Basically, it was the same thing she'd told Kathy at the hospital. You can't _make_ someone love you. Kathy hadn't made Elliot love her, and neither had Olivia. He just did. And so after a beat, she nodded.

"You're right. You're right El. If you want me there, I'll be there."

"Thank you," Elliot said, "but maybe we'll just let that be a surprise for Kathy."

...

After Olivia had helped him into the bathroom so he could freshen up and brush his teeth, Elliot asked her if she was going to join him for the night. He was leaning against the doorway of the bathroom on one crutch while Olivia was just reaching for some bedding in her bedroom closet. She turned around to look at him. He could tell she was a little torn and he held up one hand, palm out.

"I'm harmless Liv, you know that. I just ... I liked to have you close at the hospital so I had kind of hoped we could do that again."

He waited for her to make up her mind, remembering that pushing her would most likely have an adverse effect. She wasn't reaching for the bedding anymore and looked at him for a few moments.

"Let's get you back into bed first," she said then, avoiding a real answer for now.

'Think fast,' Elliot told himself.

He wanted her to sleep next to him, but only if they could be together in a relaxed way. But how to relax Olivia Benson? Olivia wrapped her right arm around his lower back to help him sit down on the bed, and then lifted and guided his legs onto the bed while he turned his upper body. When she leaned over him to adjust his pillows while he lowered himself slowly, he took a chance and grabbed her around the waist, pulling her down on top of him and then turning a little to the right so she ended up next to him, securely in his arms. Before she could protest or respond in any way, he kissed her full on the lips, ignoring the protests of his sore body because this was worth it. He had wanted to kiss her all day but they hadn't been alone for even a second.

Olivia was stunned for just a moment and he pulled away to allow her to take a breath, and then he kissed her again. She reciprocated this time, and when he felt her relax in his arms, he relaxed too and deepened the kiss. He dropped his left hand across her waist, giving it a rest, while holding her close with his right arm. When he wanted to pull back a little, Olivia moved in and kissed him passionately again, making him smile against her lips.

"What's so funny?" Olivia asked, her lips brushing his and her eyes closed.

"Nothing. I just love you so much," he sighed, and he was relieved when she accepted his answer and kissed him softly again.

"Does this mean you'll sleep with me?" he asked her.

Olivia cocked an eyebrow, but before he could clarify what he meant, he could see the amusement in her eyes. She knew perfectly well what he'd meant.

"It's still early El," she said with a smirk.

"Oh no, whatever shall we do with all that time?" Elliot said, feigning shock.

They both chuckled and then kissed and cuddled some more. When Olivia finally moved out of his arms to freshen up and change into her pajamas, Elliot rolled on his back carefully and sighed contently. He was fairly certain she was going to join him in the bed again and he listened to the sounds coming from the adjoining bathroom. No matter what happened, and no matter how much or how little more he would end up remembering, he knew he had found the one person in the world he was supposed to find. He'd never been to this apartment before in his life, but it felt like home, because it was Olivia's place. And she was home to him. And as much as he hoped to remember more of his children, like the connection he'd finally felt with Elizabeth, he knew it would be enough.

When Olivia returned, dressed in a very decent pajama top and pajama pants, and climbed into bed with him under the covers, it felt so natural that he almost wanted to pinch himself. Never in their long, long history together, could he have imagined them getting into bed together like this. It was completely harmonious, and innocent. It had never been innocent either in his imagination. More like heated, intense, passionate, wild. He turned his head to look into her eyes when her head hit the pillow, still thinking about his past fantasies about them together. Olivia seemed to read his mind as if he was talking out loud.

"Who would have thought, huh?" she asked him with a grin. "We've gotten old, Stabler."

"Hmpf," Elliot huffed, "I'll show you just how old I am as soon as I get back on my feet, Benson!"

Olivia laughed and Elliot laughed softly with her.

"But still," Olivia continued after a beat. "We never expected to be here like this, did we?"

"Not like this," Elliot admitted. "But I always hoped we'd be here some day."

Olivia rolled towards him on her left side and wrapped her arm around him under the covers. Elliot lifted his right arm and Olivia lifted her head to let him wrap his arm around her. She rested her head on his shoulder and he kissed her forehead.

"Me too, El," she said softly. "Me too."

...

 **I will have some more writing time this week, so more soon! Meanwhile, reviews always make my day!**


	58. Needing Answers

**I'm on a roll this week, writing not one but two new chapters for my other story Take Your Time (AU Bensler) and now here is another one for this story. Enjoy and thanks once again for your reviews!**

...

 **58\. Needing Answers**

Olivia was up early the next morning to get Noah ready. Lucy would be picking him up to take him to daycare, so Olivia would have time to help Elliot get ready for their appointment with Kathy. She had slept remarkably well, considering she wasn't used to sharing her bed with anyone. There had been no one after Brian. Not because she hadn't wanted a man in her life, but she just never dated anymore. It was different now, after what Lewis had done to her body. Her scars had faded partially over time but were still staring at her whenever she looked at herself in the mirror. She hadn't wanted to let a new person into her life, who would need to get to know her from scratch. She just didn't have the energy.

And now her old friend was back. He didn't need to get to know her, he knew her better than anyone had ever known her. Maybe even better than she knew herself. And she knew him. The familiarity of Elliot had overridden all the tension and complicated-ness that used to hang between them in the past. She felt as if, after a very long time of holding her breath, she was finally coming home. She had no doubt that they would argue again at some point, but it wouldn't be like they were before. In a way, their time apart had helped them both mature in a way they might not have been able to, if they had been in each others' lives the whole time. She wasn't sure of that, but for now, she chose to look at it that way. To see the upside of those lost years in stead of focusing on the pain of missing him and needing him when he wasn't there.

Elliot had woken up in considerable pain, and they realized that they'd forgotten his pain medication the night before. After Lucy had picked up Noah, Olivia checked in on him again, and she could tell that he was still in some pain. He was determined to get dressed and go to their appointment though, and asked her to help him up so he could wash up and put on clean clothes. It took them a while to get Elliot into clean socks, underwear and sweats but he made jokes about his own helplessness, keeping things light in stead of getting frustrated. By the time he'd managed to get into the living area on his crutches, he was dead tired and Olivia told him to just relax on the couch and she'd bring him his breakfast there.

They were both quiet, thinking about what was going to happen today. Olivia had to be at the courthouse at one for a brief chat with Barba before the trial would start at one thirty. She could only hope she wouldn't be too distracted after talking to Kathy. They hoped to be able to put the final pieces together at last, and maybe Elliot would even start to remember more. What would she do if he got another migraine attack? She couldn't leave him alone but she _had_ to be in court. Elaine, the rape victim in this case, was counting on her. Maybe she could ask Munch to keep Elliot company.

"Nervous?" Elliot asked her after finishing his coffee.

"A little. You?"

"Hm," Elliot hummed, nodding and resting his elbows on his knees. "I just feel this ... I don't know, this anger deep inside me. Like something is gonna blow any minute. Does that sound like me to you?"

"Absolutely."

Olivia grinned despite the seriousness of the situation.

"I just hope I can keep it together," Elliot said, and she could tell he wasn't used to feeling like this. Not anymore.

Olivia put a hand on his arm and he leaned into her instantly.

"I'll be right there. You'll be fine."

She remembered how she had calmed him down in the past, whenever he lost control with a suspect or a perp. He'd push her away sometimes, but usually she could get through to him. She could only hope she wouldn't blow up at Kathy herself. She couldn't very well punch the woman every time she said something she didn't like. Although that one slap had felt very, very good.

They checked the time and decided to head out, because Elliot wasn't the fastest mover at the moment.

"They have great coffee there too, so let that be your motivation, okay?" Olivia grinned while she helped him into his coat.

"Oh, I'll get there. Don't you worry about that," Elliot assured her, and before she could turn away to open the door for them, he pulled her close to him with one arm and kissed her.

Olivia closed her eyes and just enjoyed the moment. His kisses were soft and strong, tender and purposeful. And she could even imagine them being forceful once their passion would take over. She'd imagined falling into bed with him, and she knew she'd be in for an intense ride. Right now, she couldn't wait to put all the drama behind them and just enjoy having him back in her life, and having him in her arms at last. And in her bed. She prolonged the kiss when Elliot seemed to want to pull back and she heard him moan softly, making her moan in response. Her back hit the door then, and Elliot supported himself by placing one hand against the door next to her head. His body was pressing into hers and she could feel his arousal through his thin sweat pants. He moaned again, deepening their kiss and Olivia pulled him close to her. He released her lips then, letting out a small groan and she realized that his ribs were sore. She was almost crushing him and she mumbled 'sorry' against his cheek.

"'s okay," he mumbled back in her ear. "It's worth it."

She smiled and straightened up, handing him the crutch he'd let go of, that was now leaning against the door.

"Let's go, and we can pick this up again later," she told Elliot, trying to sound determined but failing. She'd sounded breathy and aroused.

"I'm gonna hold you to that," Elliot said, and they both laughed.

This was good. It was right. It was their time now, and after this morning, Kathy would know it too.

...

Elliot wasn't going to admit how much pain he was in. Walking to the elevator and then down to Olivia's car was a lot more strenuous than his morning exercises at the hospital had been. He felt a throbbing pain in his hip and his leg, but the rest of his body also seemed to object to all the movement. Even the muscles in his back were protesting, but he just kept on going. From the car to the coffee house slash bar was another effort, and he let out a heavy sigh once he was seated at a table in the back, sitting down sideways and resting his back against the wall. Olivia pulled out the chair next to him so he could rest his broken leg on it, and sat down across from him. The only waitress in the establishment hurried over to them to take their orders, giving Olivia a warm smile of recognition.

"Just coffee for now, Maria," she told the young woman.

"Two coffee, coming right up," Maria said and then she dashed off again.

There were four other guests there, and Elliot hoped it would help them all to keep things civil and keep their voices down. He was still angry with Kathy though. He understood by now what her motives had been to keep Olivia away from him, but she couldn't forgive her for keeping quiet even after their marriage had collapsed under its own weight. Could she really be that mean, that she'd decided if she couldn't have him, that Olivia couldn't have him either? And that he couldn't have Olivia, knowing that he'd loved her before he lost his memory? Was she really that vindictive? He wanted answers and he wanted them today.

About fifteen minutes later, at 10.05, Kathy arrived. She looked even paler than usual and looked almost shocked when she saw the two of them sitting in the back. She straightened her shoulders then, and walked up to their table.

"Hey," Elliot said.

"Hello Elliot. Olivia."

Olivia just nodded at her, and Elliot could feel the tension between the two women. He remembered feeling that before and his eyes moved back to Kathy. To Kathy's eyes specifically and he watched her look at Olivia. He'd seen that look before, hadn't he? His hand went up to his forehead automatically, and Olivia was instantly concerned.

"Are you okay, El?" she asked him, and Kathy now looked at him attentively as well.

"Yeah, just ... another little memory I think."

"Of what?" she asked, glancing at Kathy who now seemed to be frozen in place, still in her coat and clutching her bag.

"Doesn't matter. Kathy, please sit down."

He gestured at the chair at the head of the table and Kathy sat down, dropping her bag on the floor and unzipping her coat, but keeping it on. She folded her slender hands in front of her on the table and looked at Elliot again.

"You wanted to talk to me to get some answers, so I'm here. I know you both probably hate me right now and ... I can't say that I blame you."

"Right. Well, I'm glad you can see that now," Elliot scoffed. Then he continued, diving straight in, "So tell me, Kathy, and be completely honest with me now. Did you remove a letter from me to Olivia from the envelope before I could send it to her, and what did it say?"

"I did," Kathy admitted immediately. "I saw you writing something one day, which you never did, and once you'd sealed the envelope, I took it from your desk drawer at night after you'd gone to bed. When I saw who you were writing to, I opened the envelope carefully and took out the letter. After reading it I just ... I couldn't let you do it."

Kathy choked up at the memory but she seemed determined to keep talking, so he and Olivia waited for her to explain what she meant.

"You were going to leave me for her."

Kathy gestured at Olivia vaguely.

"You were asking her to meet you. And I thought ... if Olivia didn't show up, you'd finally let it go. I just ... I just wanted us to be a family. For the kids. For Eli."

Just then, the waitress came over to ask Kathy if she wanted something to eat or drink. Kathy ordered tea and then looked at the two partners.

"I'm sorry but ... I just couldn't do it all on my own. Not with another baby in the house."

Elliot sat up a little straighter and glanced at Olivia, whose eyes seemed to warn him not to push the issue he was about to push anyway.

"Yeah. About that. We'll get back to that letter. But let's talk about Eli first."

...

 **Dun dun!**

 **Alright, this will never fit into one chapter, but I've already started writing the next one. They are behaving so far, aren't they? More soon!**


	59. Unstable

**This conversation will take up several chapters so bear with me. I want to dissect what happened once and for all and I think/hope you want that too, yes?**

...

 **59\. Unstable**

 _"Yeah. About that. We'll get back to that letter. But let's talk about Eli first."_

Some color was actually returning to Kathy's cheeks and the dull guilt that had been in her eyes, was quickly replaced by an indignant fire.

"I can't believe you want a _paternity_ test for him, Elliot!"

Olivia tried to imagine how much it had to hurt, if it wasn't true, to have the father of your child question his paternity. And Kathy seemed adamant that Eli was Elliot's son. But Elliot wasn't done yet.

"Well, I just think it was very convenient that you got pregnant after I spent the night with you once. _Once_ Kathy! I know you tried again after that but I couldn't go through with ..."

Elliot stopped mid-sentence, and Olivia realized he was talking as if he remembered everything completely. He looked at her then and she saw confusion in his eyes.

"You're remembering?" she asked him softly, ignoring Kathy for the moment.

"I ... I don't know where all of this knowledge is coming from," Elliot said, clearly confused himself. "I just know this. It was one night and we had sex twice."

He looked at his ex-wife again.

"And you tried to seduce me again a week later but I wouldn't do it because ... because it was wrong. I didn't love you that way anymore. Were you trying to do it again to make sure I'd believe your child was mine?"

And just like that, Elliot was back in accusation mode. Olivia could tell he was unstable, being flung from one emotion into another while partial memories seemed to come back to him. Kathy wasn't budging though and immediately agreed to a paternity test.

"Fine. We'll do the test. But I find it very hurtful that you're even asking me this. I told you he's yours and he is. He can't be anyone else's. The fact that the timing didn't suit your need to pursue your partner is not my concern."

Elliot's hand slammed down hard on the table at her words.

"I fought _just_ as hard for our marriage as you did," he seethed, making an effort not to start shouting. "But enough should have been _enough_ , Kathy. And I thought we'd agreed that it was enough. _I_ was the one who kept wanting to come home, remember? And _you_ kept telling me to sign the damned divorce papers. So yes, in retrospect, it seems to me that when you got pregnant, you seduced me to cover up the fact that you'd gotten knocked up by someone else and you just couldn't live with the shame!"

Olivia was amazed at how much was apparently coming back to Elliot in his fit of anger. Kathy's hands balled into fists and Olivia focused on the blonde. She almost felt sorry for her. She'd been fighting a losing battle all her life, trapped in a marriage that hadn't started out of love but with an unexpected pregnancy. And now she had tried to revive it with another unexpected pregnancy. Olivia couldn't imagine that she would do all that just for the sake of appearances. No matter how much Kathy might enjoy the view from her high horse, she couldn't sacrifice her own happiness just to save face, could she? There had to be a real love there. And that was the part she could never blame Kathy for. Loving Elliot was what they had in common. But contrary to Kathy, Olivia had always fought for _Elliot's_ happiness, not her own. Because if she had just thought of herself, she would have made a huge mistake years ago. She would have let Elliot know how she felt right after his divorce, or maybe even before. She hadn't though. She had never told him because she didn't want to complicate his life. _Her_ life could remain screwed up, as long as he was alright. Kathy had done the exact opposite and had screwed up all of their lives in the process.

Kathy was holding back tears and actually looked at Olivia for help.

"Do you believe I'd do such a thing, Olivia?" she asked with a shaky voice.

Olivia glanced at Elliot and then looked at Kathy again. She didn't know what to believe right now.

"I wanted Elliot to come back to help me with Eli,"Kathy continued, "but also to be a father to him. To all the kids. Because he _is_ their father."

"He would have been their father too if he hadn't come back to you. Being a father is more than living with the mother of ones children."

Olivia didn't know where the words had come from and how she had managed to speak so calmly, but she knew they were the truth. Elliot and Kathy knew it too, because they had both fallen silent. After a few moments, Kathy nodded slowly and looked down at her hands.

"I know that. I've seen it."

She looked up at Elliot then, and there was no anger in her eyes anymore. Just sadness.

"Elliot has been a great father for all the children, these past few years, even while he didn't remember them at all."

"Thank you," Elliot said, and her words seemed to help him calm down a little. "I've started remembering Liz a bit," he offered then, and Kathy managed a small smile.

"I'm so glad. She needs her daddy. She never really let me in at all."

Olivia caught Elliot's eye and she could tell he was debating telling Kathy about Elizabeth and Jessie. Olivia shook her head 'no' almost without moving it, but it was enough for Elliot. This wasn't the time to talk about Elizabeth or any of the other children.

"So you'll agree to a paternity test. I want to choose who runs it and I'll let you know when to bring Eli."

Kathy frowned, still upset that he was insisting on the test, but she seemed to go along with Elliot's demands.

"Now I need to know about those months after the shooting. I want you to tell me what happened during those months, and be honest about it. No sugarcoating anything, okay?"

Maria had brought Kathy her tea and she wrapped her slender hands around the warm cup, holding on to it like a lifeline.

"Okay. What do you want to know?"

"Why did you keep sending me away?" Olivia asked, finally wanting to know if it had been Elliot's wish or that Kathy had kept her from seeing him. "I was at your house half a dozen times and you kept telling me he didn't want to see me, or he was out or sleeping."

"That was the truth," Kathy said, looking straight at her. "He didn't want to see you at first."

"Why not?"

Kathy glanced at Elliot, who was waiting for her reply just as eagerly as Olivia was. He still didn't remember this part.

"He ... he was very depressed. Sometimes when he'd had too much to drink, he'd say things like, 'I can't be around Liv anymore. It's not safe'. I don't know what he meant exactly but when he was sober, he also said he couldn't face you, so ... I just kept sending you away. I even took his phone away for a while because you wouldn't stop calling."

Olivia could tell it took some effort for Kathy not to sound accusing. She had called his phone a lot. She'd tried almost every day for a while, sometimes several times in one day. Their landline too, but only Kathy would ever answer it. And after she'd gone to his house, she'd tried to call at least once a week, just to leave a message letting him know she was still here if he ever wanted to talk. It was her way of not sinking into depression for a while, because she missed him so much. As long as she left messages for him, it would be like he wasn't really gone. Like they were still talking in a way. Only he had never answered her calls and had never responded to her texts or voice mails, until she got a message saying his mailbox was full and to try again later.

"Why did I retire?" Elliot asked.

Kathy pulled her shoulders up and sighed when she dropped them again.

"After a while, you went to see a psychologist."

"Who?"

"I don't know her name, but you said you'd spoken with her before and she'd really helped you then."

Elliot looked at Olivia again, asking her without words if she had any ideas. She had, actually, and she asked Kathy,

"Was it Rebecca Hendrix?"

...

 **To be continued. Any thoughts after this chapter?**


	60. The Letter

**There is only one way to make the 60th chapter a memorable one. We finally see the missing letter at the end of this chapter. I will let you all respond to it before we see Elliot and Olivia's reactions. Here we go!**

...

 **60\. The Letter**

The name Rebecca Hendrix didn't mean anything to Elliot, and Kathy wasn't sure either. She only knew he'd had several appointments with a female psychologist or psychiatrist over the course of a few weeks.

"Why did you think of that person Liv?" Elliot asked Olivia.

Olivia shrugged, trying for a casual attitude.

"Well, she's the only psychiatrist you ever had any kind of faith in as far as I know. Aside from George maybe, but he would have told us."

Elliot watched Olivia's body language as she spoke and couldn't help smiling inwardly a little.

"Is that so?" he asked her. "I had faith in this psychiatrist?"

"Yeah. She showed up one day during an investigation and you kept asking her to tag along, get a read on our suspect, help with our case. Stuff like that."

Elliot nodded slowly. Olivia was looking away, apparently trying to find Maria the waitress but he'd seen the uneasiness in her eyes when she'd spoken of this doctor Hendrix. He could hardly believe it, but his gut seemed to tell him that Olivia was actually showing signs of jealously towards the woman. Just how much faith had he had in this person, he wondered. This was hardly the time or place to ask Olivia about it but he definitely planned on talking to her about it soon. For now, he needed to get as much information as possible from his ex-wife.

"Did I ever tell you what I talked about with this psychiatrist?"

"Usually when you got home and I asked how it went, you'd just say it went fine," Kathy told him. "Only you drank a lot too after each session, and then you'd go on an on again ab ... about Olivia."

She had added the last words softly, and Elliot could tell that it must have hurt her that he had been talking about Olivia so much. They had still been married at the time, after all.

"What kinds of things would I say?" he asked her, trying not to be too pushy, but he really wanted to know, and so did Olivia.

The brunette was leaning forward, her elbows on the table and her eyes trained on Kathy's face. Olivia had missed him so much then and he still didn't understand completely how he could have shut her out like that. They always used to lean on each other, so why hadn't he talked to her this time? Had he really been on his way to become a murderer? For her? He focused on Kathy again when she tried to answer his question.

"You weren't making sense half the time but sometimes you'd be angry with Olivia, and other times you were angry with yourself. Or you were terrified that you'd kill somebody again. You had really bad dreams too and slept in the guest room a lot. I'd hear you waking up upset, but whenever me or Liz went to check on you, you'd always say you were fine and to just go back to sleep."

"So talking to this psychiatrist didn't help much," Elliot remarked.

"I don't know what you and she talked about Elliot," Kathy said. "But after a while, you came home from a session and told me you'd decided to retire from the NYPD. You never went back to the shrink after that, so I just assumed she had helped you reach a decision."

"Cragen told me you'd put in your papers in August. That was almost three months after the shooting," Olivia added.

Elliot felt bad for her. He hadn't responded to her calls and visits for three months. He could only imagine, given the picture Kathy had painted of him during those months, that everything had been a blur to him, and he hadn't really had a sense of time.

"And then what?" he asked his former wife.

Kathy sighed and placed her hands on the table, palms down.

"I had hoped you'd calm down after making that decision. And in a way you did, but you started withdrawing completely. You hardly talked to us at all anymore, only to Eli. And then after a few weeks ... you wrote that letter."

"Asking Olivia to meet me," Elliot added.

"Among other things."

Elliot frowned.

"What else was in the letter Kathy?" he urged.

He needed to know. He had a right to know, and so did Olivia. To his surprise, Kathy picked up her purse and opened it.

...

She still had the letter? After all this time? Olivia couldn't believe it and looked at Elliot, whose eyes had gone wide like hers.

"I wanted to destroy it but it was like something was telling me not to. I ... I know how bad this looks but I was desperate."

All the fight had left Kathy and she was just an insecure, trembling shadow of the fierce and angry woman Olivia had encountered at the hospital just a few days earlier. She pulled out a wrinkled piece of paper and looked at it for a second before handing it to Olivia. Olivia had expected Kathy to give the letter to Elliot and was surprised.

"It's addressed to you," Kathy said quietly, still looking at the paper, that had clearly been wadded up a few times and then smoothed out again.

Olivia took the letter from her trembling hand like it was the most valuable treasure she'd ever touched. Elliot's letter to her, written in 2011. Her heart was pounding fast and she looked at Elliot. He should read it too. He was also staring at the piece of paper and then looked into her eyes, reading the question there. He nodded slowly, telling her silently that she should read it first. She asked him if he was sure and he told her he was, all without speaking a single word to each other.

"God ..." the heard Kathy whisper and both of their heads turned simultaneously to look at her.

Kathy shook her head and sat back in her seat.

"There's no competing with that," she said, gesturing at them. "This unspoken shorthand between the two of you. It's almost creepy. I'll be out of your hair after today Olivia. I promise. You were right."

Olivia bit her lip. She knew what Kathy was referring to. They couldn't make someone love them. She hadn't made Elliot love her. It had just happened. And Kathy was accepting it at last.

"Just read the letter."

Olivia looked at Elliot one more time and then unfolded the wrinkly piece of paper to read the words, written in a handwriting that was all too familiar to her.

...

 _September 17, 2011_

 _Olivia,_

 _You must be wondering why I decided to send you a letter after ignoring your calls. I'm sorry. I needed some time to clear my head and think about things. I know you stopped by the house a few times. I wasn't ready to face you then and I hope I can explain to you why._  
 _I've been told a few times now that it was a good shoot when I shot Jenna, but deep down I know it wasn't. Technically it was but my reason for pulling the trigger wasn't the right reason. I fired because I was terrified. Not for my own life or that of those scumbags in the cage, but for yours. You know we've been there before, with Gitano. And I told you then, that we could never choose each other over the job again. Otherwise, we couldn't be partners._

 _Liv, I did it again. I shot Jenna for you. And as much as I hate myself for it, I don't regret it. That is why I had to quit. I needed to quit now, or my next shooting would not be a good one. I let a boy die because of you. I killed a girl because of you. And I would commit murder for you. I can't let it get that far and I can't put that burden on you. Please know that I know that this is all on me. These were my choices and I will never blame you for my mistakes. Never again._

 _I thought it would be for the best to stay away from you. I knew I was hurting you but I thought I had to, to spare you even more pain in the future. I was afraid to face you and to face the man you bring out in me. (Again, not on you!)_

 _To be honest, I don't know how to go on. I can't carry a gun again. I know I've shut you out for way too long and I know I was wrong. I just hope you can forgive me. You are my best friend and I need you. I don't want to stay away anymore. I noticed you have stopped calling and I understand. Will you please meet me at our diner on September 24 so we can talk? I'll be waiting for you there all day. I'm not going to call you or text you or bother you in any way. I'm choosing to write to you just this once, to give you all the space you need to decide what you want to do. If you choose not to come, I will try to understand. I know you need to go on with your life and I know you are not done at SVU. Maybe you are better off without me, and if you have moved on, I am happy for you._

 _I miss you. If only you knew how much. I know the end of my marriage is near. I don't blame Kathy, she's given it her all. I can't say I did the same. I tried, but my heart just isn't in it anymore because I lost it to someone else along the way. Whether you decide to meet me or not, my heart will always belong to you._

 _Semper Fi_

 _Your partner_

 _Elliot_

...

 **Please review!**


	61. We were Happy

**Note: I'm not breaking off conversations just for the sake of it, but to cut them up in digestible portions for my readers. Each chapter carries a certain load and will lead up to the next chapter, until everything has been said and done that needs to be said and done in this story. I will conclude the talk with Kathy in this chapter and we will meet Dr Hendrix further down the line to fill in a few blanks.**

 **Note 2: If you aren't reading it yet, please take a peek at my other story, Take Your Time. It was updated earlier today with its 52nd chapter. It's an AU Bensler story.**

...

 **61\. We were Happy**

Olivia's heart was racing. She couldn't breathe. She pressed a hand against her mouth when the enormity of what Elliot had written hit her. He had written this back in 2011! And it broke her heart into a million pieces to know that he'd been waiting for her for a whole day and she hadn't come. He had thought she had moved on and didn't want to see him anymore, while she had thought the same about him. They had both missed each other so much but had decided to let the other person live their own life. To accept the pain so that the one they loved could be happy without them. And it had been the complete opposite. He had wanted to meet her. And she would have come. Of course she would have come. There was no doubt in her mind about it. Their lives would have been so different.

Olivia couldn't speak and when she looked up, her eyes had filled with tears. She wiped them away so she could look at Elliot. His face was tense and he was trying to read her reaction to the letter. She pushed the piece of paper across the table without a word so he could read it too. She watched him as his eyes skimmed over the words and the realization hit him as well. When he looked up at her after reading the letter, his eyes conveyed so much sadness and regret, that Olivia's heart broke all over again. And then he turned his gaze to Kathy. His ex-wife, who had stolen this letter from them and had kept it a secret for four years after he had lost his memory. His breathing was picking up and Olivia braced herself. This could get very ugly very fast.

Elliot's voice was tense and low when he finally spoke.

"What on _earth_ possessed you to take this letter, Kathy? I can't even begin to understand why that would seem like a good idea at _any_ time?"

He had almost growled the last few words and Olivia knew that if it hadn't been for his injuries, he would already have been on his feet, hovering over the blonde. Kathy knew it too, and she had instinctively moved her chair away from the table a little. No doubt, Kathy was as familiar with Elliot's rage as Olivia was. He was staring at her, demanding an answer, although they all knew Kathy had no excuse for doing what she had done. Not a valid one. At the very least, she could have told Elliot she'd read it, and confronted him about it at the time. But to simply hide it and make him believe he'd sent it to Olivia, so he would think she wanted nothing to do with him anymore? That was just cruel.

"I panicked when I read it," Kathy said, her voice shaking. "And I was angry too. It just wasn't fair. I devoted my entire life to this family and you were just going to walk away ..."

Elliot's fist hit the table again, hard.

"Are you saying I _didn't_ fight for our family?"

His voice was becoming louder and Olivia saw the bartender looking in their direction.

"No," Kathy admitted, shaking her head and staring at the table in front of her. "You did fight for us. I know. But you were ready to give up and I wasn't. Not yet."

Elliot shook his head and leaned back against the wall. Olivia could tell he was in pain and the hard chair was hardly comfortable for his broken body.

"Like I said, I ... I just thought if ... if Olivia didn't show up, you would finally let it go."

Kathy finally looked up at Elliot after those words, but Olivia spoke in stead.

"So you made the decision for me not to be there."

Olivia had sounded more bitter than she had intended, but Elliot's pain made her feel a lot less compassionate with Kathy right now. She used to think she was out of line, having feelings for the woman's husband. Not anymore. Elliot had taken inventory and had decided to follow his heart. And however wrong it may have been for a married man to fall in love with someone else, it had happened. He was going to give in to his feelings and Olivia knew, even if she would probably have tried to stop him at first, that she would have given in as well, eventually. She had tried not to be one of those pathetic women who just pined over a love they could never have, and she _had_ tried to move on, but once he would have told her that he loved her, she _would_ have admitted that she loved him too. It was like Elliot had said back at the hospital: it was always going to happen. It had just been a matter of when. And four years had been stolen from them that they could never get back, so yes, she was bitter about that. And about the pain Kathy had caused Elliot.

"I just wanted to keep my family together," was Kathy's reply. It seemed to be her only reply to the tough questions. "He was _my_ husband," she added then, a little more firmly. "I would think I had a say in the matter."

"You should have talked to Elliot. Not go behind his back."

Kathy didn't break eye contact with Olivia when she answered,

"I know."

"Why would you want to stay with a man who doesn't love you anymore?" Olivia asked, because that was the part she would never understand.

She understood that Kathy had truly loved Elliot. That was the easy part. But why would she try to hang on to him when he so clearly didn't love her the same way anymore? Maybe he had never even loved her the same way. Who knew if they would have stayed a couple for long if Kathy hadn't gotten pregnant with Maureen?

Kathy was at a loss for words and stared at her former husband.

"You're a lying, conniving bitch," Elliot spat at her. "I knew you were putting on an act around me the whole time when I didn't remember anything. I doubt that you ever really cared about me at all anymore. No wonder I didn't recognize you."

If Olivia had sounded bitter, it paled in comparison to Elliot. He was keeping his voice down but the resentment was almost tangible between the two former spouses. Kathy was taking deep breaths and there was a fire in her eyes when she spoke again.

"I gave up _everything_ when I got pregnant with Maureen. I was madly in love with you, Elliot. You were the first and only man I had ever been with, the only man I _wanted_ to be with. And I wanted it to work. We have _five_ children. That has to mean something, right? We were _happy_!"

...

Elliot shook his head. He didn't have clear memories about his life with Kathy when they were younger, and the later years were still foggy. His family still felt like a side note to his life with Olivia, which was the part he did remember.

"Were we?" he asked Kathy, and despite his anger, he hadn't meant it sarcastically this time.

Kathy did take it that way though, and threw her hands in the air.

"Forget it," she said. "I was a fool for believing things might be different after you lost your memory. That we could actually start over and fall in love again. Because I did love you Elliot, despite everything. And when you left me after all, I just ... I wasn't just going to hand my husband over to someone else on a silver platter, so I kept the letter. So there!" she huffed. "I've answered your questions and I've given you the letter. I admit that I shouldn't have taken it and I'm sorry I lied to you. What more do you want from me?"

"Was Elliot really going to see me the night of his birthday party?"

Elliot looked at Olivia and tried to focus on her. He was feeling a little lightheaded and his hands were shaking. He needed an outlet for the tension and frustration that had built up over the course of their conversation with Kathy, but he could hardly move. He couldn't even pace. He was pathetic and his breathing was too shallow. What more did he want from her? How about giving him back those four fucking years that he could have spent building a life with Olivia?

"You should ask the twins that. He bumped into them on his way out."

Elliot frowned. The twins? Liz was in his corner now. He would need to ask her about it soon.

"Is Richard coming home for the holidays?" he asked Kathy flatly.

Kathy nodded.

"Yes. Everyone's coming."

Elliot's eyes flicked back to Olivia. All his children would be at the house, and they would probably expect him to make an appearance.

"Well, Elliot still has a lot of healing to do," Olivia chimed in, her eyes probing his for a reaction, and he was grateful.

"Besides, I don't really feel like playing the family man right now," he added harshly, looking back at Kathy. "You got all the kids to go along with your little scheme! How?"

Kathy blew out a breath slowly.

"I guess they all really wanted us to make it work too, Elliot. It's only natural for kids to want their parents to be together."

Despite her words, Kathy seemed to have finally resigned to the fact that her marriage was truly over for good. The fire had left her eyes. She shrugged and stood up, indicating that she wanted to leave.

"I know you are going to hold it against me what I did but ..."

She shook her head and closed her eyes for a moment.

"But what?" Elliot asked.

"Never mind," she said quietly. "I just wish things had gone differently. For all of us."

She made eye contact with Olivia and an understanding seemed to pass between the two women that he couldn't place. Not at all. What could these two women possible agree on at this time? Olivia had every right to be furious with Kathy. For taking the letter as well as not giving it back later on. She didn't want to hand her husband over to Olivia on a silver platter? What kind of nonsense was that?

But Olivia said nothing. Kathy turned on her heels and walked away from them without looking back. It wasn't because she was angry or felt her actions had been justified. She seemed small and defeated after admitting everything she'd done. Somehow, Elliot had expected Olivia to get in her face for both of them, but she hadn't. He wondered why not. Olivia checked her watch and suggested another cup of coffee so they could talk some more about what they had just learned, and he agreed. His back was killing him and he felt another headache coming up, but he needed to relax before he'd be able to get up again. Right now, he just needed to be with Olivia.

...

 **To be continued. Was this conversation realistic under the circumstances? Any thoughts on that look the women shared at the end? Please review!**


	62. Pain

**Thank you all once again for the great response to this story. I can't believe we're at almost 800 reviews!  
One reviewer asked "What's next?" and I can understand the question. We have all but unraveled the puzzle of what happened that lead to the four year-long separation of the partners. A few loose ends to tie up are: Was Rebecca Hendrix the one to tell Elliot to put his papers in? Will Elliot remember everything eventually? And we have yet to meet Richard and Eli.  
Also, I like to let our main characters think about all they've learned and their rocky past, so you may still expect some reflection from both of them before I wrap things up. FYI: this is one of those reflective chapters. Don't call it click bait! It's art! (Sorry, mini-rant over.)**

 **When I started writing this, it wasn't Christmas yet and I was aiming for a Christmas finale. The goal will remain the same in the story, it just won't really be Christmas when I finish it :)**

...

 **62\. Pain**

They sat in silence together for a few minutes, each caught up in their own thoughts and emotions, until Maria brought them their fresh coffee. When Elliot looked into Olivia's eyes as they both took a sip, he couldn't really read her. It was all just too much to take in at once. He didn't remember writing the letter but he knew without a doubt that the words on the paper conveyed exactly how he'd felt back then. He hadn't expected the letter to include his feelings for Olivia though. He must have been soul searching very seriously before making a decision to ask her to meet him. And while they couldn't turn back time and would have to accept that the past four years were lost forever, he wished he'd been able to talk to her then. She wouldn't have thought he'd abandoned her and wanted nothing to do with her anymore.

Olivia was being very graceful about it. She knew and understood now that it had never been his intention to stay away. He'd tried at first, apparently, but he could never have stayed away from her. His heart belonged to her.

When Olivia finally spoke, he was surprised that it wasn't about the letter.

"Kathy agreed to the paternity test easily, didn't she?"

"Yeah. I hadn't expected that," he admitted.

"She seems pretty sure."

Elliot nodded. He actually hoped he was Eli's biological father. He'd grown close to the young boy over the past few years. Being his father had come naturally to him and he knew he would love him as a son regardless of the outcome of the test. And if Eli was his, at least they'd know that Kathy hadn't actually tried to trick Elliot into coming back for a child that wasn't his. It was an amazing coincidence that they'd managed to produce another life in just one night, but it wasn't impossible. It was how they'd started out all those years ago, after all.

"I can't tell you how sorry I am that you thought I'd just cut you out of my life," Elliot sighed, bringing the conversation back to the letter.

Olivia pursed her lips and looked down at her coffee cup. He could tell that she was still hurting and he wanted to do everything in his power to take her pain away.

"I'm sorry that you thought I didn't want you in my life anymore," she finally said softly.

He reached for her hand on the table and she let him take it in his.

"Liv, I don't remember waiting for you and you not showing up. But you remember me not bothering to pick up the phone and not contacting you ever again, aside from sending you my mini badge."

Olivia nodded, looking at their hands on the table.

"But you're here now," she said, almost whispering, and he could tell that her emotions were close to the surface.

"It's still not right. It's not fair."

"No, it isn't."

"Things would have been so different."

Olivia nodded and a single tear trickled down her cheek. Elliot wanted to wipe it away but his sore body wouldn't allow him to reach across the table. It was the story of his life. Of _their_ life. He'd never been able to take away her pain and her loneliness. He could never get close enough to be there for her in the way she needed. But it would be different from now on. He wanted to be everything she needed and more, for the rest of their lives. It was their time now.

"It will be different from now on, Liv," he said gently, rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb. "I'm never shutting you out again."

Another tear found its way down Olivia's cheek and his heart ached for her. He sat up and carefully moved his broken leg off the chair next to him.

"Please Liv," he said, swallowing the lump that had started forming in his throat. "Sit with me so I can hold you."

Olivia stood up and moved to sit next to him. When he wrapped one arm around her, she leaned against him willingly, allowing him to comfort her. He knew she wouldn't just let it all out, because that wasn't Olivia Benson. But allowing him to hold her while she cried softly, inaudibly, was huge for her. He understood. She'd always been alone, taking care of herself. It wasn't easy to break that habit. But she needed him now. They needed each other, to mourn over missed opportunities and time lost. Elliot kissed the top of Olivia's head while she rested her head on his shoulder and he ignored the pain in his body when she wrapped her arms around him. He would do whatever it took to ease her pain.

He was frustrated too, but Olivia had missed him a lot longer, and her pain had been a lot deeper than his. He'd just had a sense of loss, of missing someone or something, while she had thought all this time that he simply wanted nothing to do with her anymore. He was still mad as hell at Kathy but he also knew that his anger wasn't going to change anything. They needed to start looking forward, to the future they would still have together. He couldn't wait for Olivia to meet Eli, and he felt his chest constrict thinking about his boy. What if he wasn't his after all? How much deceit could he take, if it meant he and Olivia had lost even more time they could have spent together, possibly even having a child of their own?

He rubbed Olivia's back gently and thought about Noah. She had gotten her baby after all and he was so happy for her. He already loved Noah so much and he was grateful that Olivia was allowing him to be a part of her son's life. That, too, was huge for Olivia Benson. Momma bear Benson wouldn't let anyone hurt her baby but she knew he would never hurt him. He wanted to be a father figure for Noah as well, just like he was for Eli.

When Olivia lifted her head to look at him, he focused on her again. Her eyes were red from crying, but she took a deep breath and he could see her strength returning to her. She was the strongest person he knew and in the end, he knew they'd be alright.

"You wanna get out of here?" he asked her, still rubbing her back.

Olivia nodded.

"Yeah. You up to it?"

"To be honest, I'll be glad to be back in bed," he admitted, and Olivia smiled.

They got up and Olivia supported him while he maneuvered away from the table and chairs until he could support himself on his crutches again. It would be time for his pain meds again when they got home, and he could feel them wearing off a bit already. He waited until Olivia had put on her coat and had picked up her bag and smiled when she looked at him. God, she was beautiful. She seemed to read his mind and one corner of her mouth tugged up. He grinned and her smile widened. She'd caught him staring at her many times in the past, but he was finally allowed to admire her openly. And admire her he did.

...


	63. Wait

**Thank you all so much for 800 plus reviews. I know it's in part due to my short chapters and I'm trying to make them a bit longer. Still, they will be as long or as short as the content dictates.**

 **Naturally, I love the many raving reviews the most, but I don't mind the criticism of a few readers. Not everyone 'gets' or appreciates the psychological parts I often love to weave in and that's fine. This story is a tribute to Benson and Stabler's long history together, while bringing them back together for the happy ending they so deserve. If you think their relationship has hardly evolved yet during this story, so be it. I tend to disagree because a lot of their relationship happens inside their heads. The physical part is the easy part in the end so that is not the focus here. (It's coming though, don't worry! :)) Meanwhile, a lot of people surf happily on the waves of EO 'feels' we so love to indulge in, I myself being one of them. Isn't that post-Valentine's Day picture Mariska posted online just perfect for this story?!**

 **Well, on with the story now. Next up, some reflection on Olivia's part, a little bit of Noah and some EO cuteness as well - all of this making for a double-length chapter. I could have put the fluff in a separate chapter but I didn't, so there. :) This chapter is dedicated to kukrae and melonian4life because of your unwavering support here and on Twitter. Enjoy!**

...

 **63\. Wait**

Olivia yawned. She was waiting outside the courtroom until she'd be called to the stand to testify in Elaine Wilson's rape case. She was the outcry witness, since she'd been the only one present when Elaine had woken up at the hospital after a brutal assault by one of her college teachers. She had identified the man without any hesitation and had stuck to her story consistently, even when the teacher provided a seemingly solid alibi. Olivia was the second witness that would be called. Ordinarily, she would stay afterwards to see how Barba did, trying to discredit the person who had provided the alibi, but she was tired and officially on vacation and she wanted to pick Noah up early and go home.

She was still mulling over Kathy's revelations of that morning. So much time had been lost because of the woman's actions. Elliot had comforted her and it had felt new but good. She wasn't one to cry when there were other people around. She usually retreated to be alone before she'd let her tears fall. It was tempting to just stay livid at Kathy for the time she had stolen from them, but anger wasn't productive in this case. Even Elliot seemed to be able to let go of a lot of his anger, no doubt one of the bigger benefits of the way he'd spent his life over the past three years after his divorce. Observing, he'd called it. He had become softer and more accepting of what is, in stead of getting worked up over what should be. He wasn't focused on solving things anymore, on righting wrongs. And although some of his old traits had come back, he wasn't the same man anymore.

Olivia wasn't the same woman anymore either. She wondered sometimes if it was her age or Noah or both, but she'd become softer. She could handle the different shades of grey more easily, not needing them to be either black or white anymore. Maybe that was why she and Elliot got along so well now. They didn't need to choose sides anymore. And then there was the fact that the guilt was gone. The guilt of having feelings for someone they shouldn't have feelings for. It was liberating to just be able to tell him she loved him. She felt like her heart was finally beating again, telling her with every beat that she loved him, and it was okay. He loved her too and everyone could know it now. There was finally room for love, and as a result, room for sadness. She had felt Elliot's emotions while he held her close. He hadn't cried but he had comforted her and she hadn't felt embarrassed. She didn't need to explain to him why she was sad. He knew. Things could have been so different.

Elliot had been exhausted once they got back to her place and he'd fallen asleep even before she'd left the bedroom. She had helped him out of his sweats first and couldn't help smiling a little when she remembered how she'd checked him out. He had caught her looking, of course, and had teased her about it, and it had been great to be able to laugh together. She wished he would heal quickly so they could have more fun together, but for now, it was wonderful to have him close to her every day. Who could have predicted that this year, they were going to spend Christmas together?

She looked forward to spending more quality time with Noah now that Elliot was out of the hospital and staying with them. Her little boy always put a smile on her face and he was coping with his astma so well despite the cold weather. She had wanted to go window shopping with him soon now that all the stores were decorated so beautifully, so he could point out what he would like to get from Santa. But that would mean leaving Elliot alone. She sighed. He was becoming a part of her life again so naturally that it was almost scary. Almost. She had had fleeting thoughts about what it would be like to have a man in her life that would become a part of Noah's life as well. She had said 'no' several times when someone asked her out for drinks, after answering the question for herself if this would be a person she would want to have around Noah. With Elliot, it hadn't even been a question. Noah had practically adopted Elliot as a father figure before she could wonder about it. She smiled, thinking about the two men in her life. The feeling inside her chest felt suspiciously like something she could only describe as happiness.

She jumped up when the door of the courtroom opened and she was called in to testify. If all went well, she would be out of there in less than half an hour.

...

"Momma, we spies again?" Noah asked his mother as they got off the elevator and headed for their apartment.

"You like being spies?"

"Uhuh. Noah sprise Ewwie Ot."

Olivia chucked and agreed that they would surprise Elliot, so they entered the apartment quietly. Noah froze when he kicked a toy accidentally, and they listened for any indication that Elliot had heard them.

"Who is there?" they suddenly heard Elliot say with a low and menacing voice.

Noah giggled and Olivia laughed out loud at how excited he was, bouncing up and down and then asking her if he could go into the bedroom.

"Of course you can go in, my sweet boy," Olivia said.

Noah ran over to her bedroom at once and she followed her son a little slower. Elliot was sitting up in bed, leaning against the headboard with all of her pillows behind his back. He'd apparently been browsing on her iPad, which he put aside when Noah climbed on the bed.

"Hey buddy, how was your day in school?" he asked Noah, who started telling him all about the new boy in his group and how he had let him play with the dinosaur puzzle they had at school because he really liked it, and Noah liked it too but he wanted the new boy to have it.

Olivia got them all something to drink and then sat next to Elliot on the bed, just listening to them talking and laughing. She could tell that Elliot had slept well and she was glad. He really was more carefree than he used to be, and although they would probably discuss Kathy's actions a few more times, it wasn't something he couldn't handle. They had to look forward now, he'd told her and she was trying. Watching Elliot with Noah made it much easier to start looking at the future. She could see it now, going to Coney Island together, Elliot carrying Noah on his shoulders ... She really wished he would heal quickly so they could begin their future together.

The three of them spent the rest of the afternoon quietly. Elliot rested up a bit after dinner while Olivia went through their evening ritual with Noah, who insisted on giving Elliot a goodnight kiss before going to his own bed. They both cuddled with Noah on the bed for a few minutes and Olivia blushed when Elliot stole a little kiss from her in front of Noah. What would her baby think?

"Wyssa kiss Noah too," the two-year old announced seriously, sitting up between them, and Olivia and Elliot raised their eyebrows simultaneously.

"You mean Alyssa from your class?" Olivia asked her son.

Noah nodded fervently.

"Wyssa marry Noah."

Olivia gasped and Elliot chuckled.

"Did she ask you that, buddy?" he asked Noah, who nodded again.

"You know what marry means?"

Noah looked at both adults a little insecurely and then looked down at his lap as if he felt embarrassed that he didn't know.

"You can be best friends with Alyssa for now, right Noah?" Olivia said in an attempt to help him out and Noah nodded slightly again.

"Mommy marry Ewwie Ot?"

Olivia blew out a breath slowly, and suddenly she felt a little bit of the tension return that had always hung between her and her partner. She wanted to look at the future but Noah was moving a bit too fast for her, even though he didn't even understand his own question.

"Mommy kiss Ewwie," Noah said, as if wanting to clarify his question and Olivia decided she needed to be honest with her baby from the start.

"I love Elliot very much, Noah. And he loves me. And people who love each other, kiss each other."

"Noah too."

Noah climbed in her lap and she held him close, placing small kisses on his forehead while trying to ignore Elliot's hand rubbing her back gently. Lovingly.

"Yes my love, I love you too. And I want to kiss you forever!"

Noah giggled and she tickled him until he was laughing out loud, all talk about marriage forgotten for the moment. He was a bit too young to understand the concept, but he'd made her nervous nonetheless. She knew there was a chance that Elliot would bring it up again later, and noticed that she was taking extra long to finally put Noah to bed in his own room. Elliot had been back in her life for less than two weeks. She couldn't think about such big decisions so soon. She shook her head. Who was she trying to kid? They knew each other inside and out. They didn't need to date and get to know each other anymore. Elliot was a guest in her home right now, but she knew perfectly well that he wasn't going to leave once he was back on his feet. He was back to stay and while part of her wanted to freak out over that, a bigger part of her wouldn't have it any other way.

...

Elliot smiled as he listened to the sounds coming from Noah's bedroom. He loved the little guy so much already and he'd seen Olivia freeze at the mention of marriage. He knew she had once dreamed of getting married and starting a family, but had given up that dream long ago. It wasn't practical, with her job and all. She wasn't the marrying kind anyway. That was what she'd told herself but it had only been a way to be able to keep going on her own. She'd probably had plenty of suitors. She was stunning after all, and a very loving person at that. He knew he'd chased away several of the guys who had showed an interest in the past, but she'd been on lots of dates and had had relationships. He had hoped she'd find someone, despite his own growing feelings for her. He wanted her to be happy, with or without him.

And now here they were, together at last. And while he was still grateful that Olivia had literally ran into him, he cursed his injuries right now. She was going to sleep next to him again tonight and he was beginning to get a little frustrated that he couldn't get closer to her. He wanted to touch her, more of her, like he'd dreamed of so many times. There was no one stopping them now, no moral dilemma anymore and still, he couldn't have her like he wanted to have her. Yet.

He grinned when he thought of how she'd blushed when he kissed her in front of Noah, and how tense she'd become when Noah asked her so innocently if she was going to marry him. And he remembered the look in her eyes at the mention of that psychiatrist. He wanted to ask her about that, too, and he smiled at the prospect. He secretly loved to make her uneasy because it gave his ego a boost to have such an effect on her. He wondered if he'd always been such an asshole or if this was a recent development. He was still smiling when Olivia came back in the bedroom. She stopped at the foot of the bed when she saw the smug expression on his face, and looked at him daringly.

"What?"

Elliot shrugged lightly and looked at her innocently.

"What do you mean, what? I'm not doing anything."

"Sure you are."

He grinned and waited for her to clarify what she thought he was doing. Olivia just shook her head and looked away, suddenly needing to get something from her closet.

"So tell me about that psychiatrist."

Olivia whipped back around to face him, seeming shocked at the question.

"What about her?" she was quick to ask.

"You didn't like her?"

Olivia shrugged.

"We went to the academy together. Then after two years, she decided she didn't want to be a cop putting criminals away, but she wanted to help them improve their life after they were caught."

"To each their own, right?"

"I guess."

"So why didn't you like her?"

"I didn't say that."

Elliot smiled again.

"Not in so many words."

He patted the space next to him on the bed.

"Come on, sit with me."

Olivia didn't seem eager to continue the conversation about the shrink and it amused him.

"I looked up her contact info today, on your iPad," he told her once she had sat down next to him, leaning against the headboard of the bed and her legs crossed at the ankles in front of her.

"Oh. And? She still in the vicinity?"

"Yeah. She's got a private practice in Brooklyn now. I wanna ask her what I talked to her about back then."

Olivia just nodded and didn't comment one way or the other.

"And I thought I could ask _you_ if anything ever happened between her and me."

That got Olivia's undivided attention at last and she looked at him with wide eyes and her mouth slightly agape.

"Between her and you? I ... you just ..." Olivia stammered, and then stopped talking abruptly. "You tell me," she added then, making it all to clear to him why she hadn't liked the woman back then. Apparently she'd thought there was something going on between him and the good doctor.

"So you thought I was interested in her?"

Olivia hung her head and made a helpless gesture with her hands.

"You and Kathy had just split up and you were clearly on the rebound."

"And you didn't like it."

"I didn't want you to do anything stupid or get hurt."

"Of course. Because I was your partner."

Olivia looked at him sideways then, without lifting her head, and he could see a small smile on her lips.

"You want me to admit I was jealous of her, right?"

"Were you?" Elliot finally asked her flat out, but her smile already told him a lot. She was letting go of that disturbing feeling she'd had in the past, and was embracing what they had now, here, in the present.

"Yes," she said then, quickly sitting up on her knees and moving closer to him. "Is that what you wanna hear, you big irresistible cop man?"

She had moved her face close to his and rested her hands on his shoulders. He reached for her immediately, wrapping his arms around her waist. He grinned at her, and when they looked into each other's eyes, it was suddenly no longer necessary to continue the conversation. She had been jealous and maybe he'd even had a fling with the woman - if so, he didn't remember - but they were here now and no one was going to come between them again. They moved in sync, closing the distance between them until their lips found each other in a tender kiss, that soon became more intense.

Elliot pulled her into him until she was leaning against him and he swallowed hard, his stomach clenching when she broke off the kiss and moved one leg over him carefully, straddling him so she could get closer.

"This okay?" she whispered, a mixture of desire and concern in her eyes.

His hip didn't hurt and his ribs only a little, but even if he had been in pain, he would have told her this was okay. He had waited years to have her like this and he pulled her against his chest to kiss her again by way of an answer. This was very much okay. When Olivia moaned softly, he wished they could take things further. He slipped one hand inside her shirt and moaned as well when he felt the bare skin of her back under his hand. Olivia was kissing him deeply and he could tell she was trying not to grind into him. When he moved his hand up her back, taking her shirt with it and moved his other hand to the front, she gave in a pushed her hips into his, awakening his body in several places. He broke off the kiss, needing to take a breath, and looked into her eyes while he moved his right hand up slowly until he was cupping her breast.

Olivia swallowed hard but didn't say anything. Elliot moved his thumb slowly, giving her plenty of time to stop him before he'd reach her nipple. She didn't stop him and closed her eyes when his thumb moved over her hardened nipple. His heart was racing and her breath hitched.

"Liv," he whispered and Olivia just sighed.

His fingertips were burning and he yearned to touch more of her. All of her. They had waited so long to be together. But he needed to know this was okay for Olivia. She hadn't shown anyone her body in a long time.

"Look at me baby," he tried again when Olivia didn't open her eyes.

"El," she said softly, opening her eyes.

She kept her gaze fixed on his lips and he wondered if she really was okay with him touching her like this.

"Is this okay Liv?" he asked, moving his thumb off of her breast just in case.

He couldn't help smiling widely when she finally answered him.

"Yeah. I'm just ... afraid that I won't be able to hold back and I'll hurt you."

Elliot dropped his head forward until their foreheads were touching.

"I'm not afraid to risk it," he said softly, his voice hoarse with emotion as well as arousal.

"I am," she said just as softly.

She caressed his neck with one hand while cupping his cheek with the other.

"We've waited so long," Elliot said, trying not to sound too needy but succeeding only partially.

Olivia smiled.

"I want this El. I want you. I just ... I always imagined we'd be explosive and ... well ..."

Elliot tilted his head to kiss her softly on the lips, moving his hand from her breast to her back.

"You wanna wait till we can go all out," he said, already resigning to the fact that nothing drastic was going to happen tonight.

Olivia's doubt that she'd be able to hold back only confirmed what he'd always sort of known about her: she was a passionate lover and she didn't want to hold back when they would finally break down the last barrier between them. He knew it would be worth the wait and, taking a few deep breaths, he just held her close for a while. Olivia's arms were wrapped around his neck and she kissed his neck softly, letting him know that she really did want to be with him. He could wait, he told himself. He could wait a while longer until they could be together like he had dreamed of so many times.

...


	64. Rebecca

**For those of you who are wondering how quickly Elliot is recovering from his injuries, a few facts that I checked beforehand:**  
 **\- a hip that has been repaired with pins: patient can get up the same day and start exercising, will need 2 crutches for two weeks, after that 1 crutch will suffice, sex is allowed after 6 weeks (not sure if our lovely couple can wait that long though). Patient has to do muscle exercises himself, movement is important, but the hip will be painful for quite a while.**  
 **\- broken leg (conservative fracture): takes 4 to 6 weeks to heal completely.**  
 **\- cracked ribs: no real treatment, just pain medication. Normal breathing is important but painful. Laughing, couching and sneezing hurts. Ribs heal in about 6 weeks but they can remain painful for up to 12 weeks.**

 **Well, enough with the anatomy lesson and on to the next chapter! Some more reflection and we're gettin ready for some answers from Dr. Hendrix.**

...

 **64\. Rebecca**

Elliot had already fallen asleep but Olivia was still wide awake. She way lying on her stomach, her face turned to the right so she could look at the man next to her in bed. The way he affected her made her breath hitch from time to time. Longing for him from a distance was something completely different than touching him and being touched by him. And tasting him. She swallowed and moved her arm until she could rest her hand on his shoulder. His bare shoulder. He was only wearing a tank top and shorts in bed. Wide shorts that he could easily slip over his cast and yet they didn't leave much to the imagination.

Olivia had quite a lively imagination. She'd admired Elliot's body from afar for years and she had never forgotten his smell. Even when he'd been working out and was all sweaty, his smell would still be all Elliot to her. More often than not they had needed to change quickly before heading out to an emergency again and there hadn't really been time to check him out. But she'd always been aware of him, of how his body moved and his muscles rippled underneath his clothes. He could be dressed up in a tuxedo and she'd still be aware of the planes of his chest, the broadness of his shoulders, his big hands and his firm round ass ...

She sighed and closed her eyes, pulling her hand away from his shoulder. She shouldn't be thinking like this. Elliot was in no condition to be jumped and she wondered if she hadn't gone to far already, climbing into his lap like she had earlier. She could hardly remember a time that she'd felt this way, so hungry for another person. She'd had very satisfying encounters with men over the years and several of them had definitely caught her attention for longer than just a few days or weeks. But this was Elliot. The man that had invaded her dreams and that she'd fantasized about, never expecting her fantasies to ever become a reality. She hadn't just wanted him though. She'd loved him. She didn't know exactly when she had admitted it to herself but somewhere during their long partnership, he'd become more to her than her partner or even her best friend.

Missing him had cut her so deeply, that she'd tried to numb herself for a while, focusing on her job and sinking her teeth in difficult cases. Getting justice for the victims, helping them win their battles so she wouldn't have to think about herself. That had been her strategy before she'd met Elliot, and it should have worked after he left. But it had only worked partially and when she was confronted with the very real possibility of her own death at the hands of William Lewis, she had felt that pain all over again. The pain of not being allowed to love him. Knowing she would _never_ be allowed to love him and that he would never know how much she had loved him anyway.

And now here he was. In her home, in her bed. She'd tasted him, inhaled him as she'd peppered his neck with kisses, clinging to him while refusing to do anything that might hurt him. Olivia was almost desperate for more of him and the only thing greater than that despair was her love for him. She couldn't cause him any more pain. When Noah was given to her, she hadn't known she was capable of loving another human being so deeply and profoundly, like nothing and no one else in the world mattered. And now, her capacity to love like that had doubled, making her blood flow more easily through her veins and making her feel alive in a way she could only remember feeling once before in her life. She remembered one time when she was about four or five years old when Serena had taken her to a playground on a warm, sunny afternoon. She'd felt happy and alive then and her mother had been happy too. She'd laughed and had encouraged her to play with the other children and to climb up the slide by herself. They had been a normal mother and daughter for a little while. Just a few hours. She was 46 now and for the first time since that day in the playground, she felt truly alive again.

Olivia reached up to touch his face, and caressed the stubble on his cheek with the back of her fingers. Elliot stirred and then turned his head, opening his eyes. When he saw her looking at him, he smiled.

"Hey, you okay?" he whispered.

Olivia continued caressing his cheek and answered him,

"Yeah. Just checking that you're actually here."

Elliot smiled again and his eyes closed again. Olivia finally closed her eyes as well and moved her face close to Elliot's shoulder so she could smell him. He was actually here.

...

The rest of the week went by quickly. Elliot still needed to rest a lot and Olivia made sure that they all had everything they needed. She'd put up a small Christmas tree and had finally taken Noah window shopping after Elliot had urged her to just go before it would be too late. He would be fine on his own for a while. He had called Rebecca Hendrix' practice and had explained to her assistant why he wanted to speak with the psychiatrist. She called him back a while later, letting him know that Rebecca was willing to make a house call to talk to him, because that would be much easier for him given his condition.

Elliot was actually a little nervous about what he would learn from the psychiatrist. Olivia wanted to be present when Rebecca came over and had promised him she'd be on her best behavior. Elliot had gotten dressed and Olivia made sure he was sitting comfortably on the couch, his cast resting on a small stool with a pillow on it. She was busy making coffee when the buzzer rang, indicating that Rebecca had arrived. Olivia buzzed her up and then waited for her at the door.

Surprise was written all over Rebecca's face when she saw Olivia.

"Hello Rebecca," Olivia said neutrally, and Rebecca recovered from her surprise quickly.

"Olivia, it's so good to see you again."

They gave each other a polite hug and Olivia opened the door further to let Rebecca in.

"I didn't know you would be here," Rebecca admitted as she passed Olivia and entered the apartment.

"This is my home," Olivia replied, and Rebecca stopped to look at her.

"Elliot is staying with me while he recovers from the car accident he was in," Olivia explained.

"Ah. So you kept in touch after his retirement."

"Uhm, not exactly."

Rebecca raised an eyebrow and Olivia tried not to get annoyed right away. It was only natural that the woman would be curious under the circumstances.

"Let me take your coat and have a seat, and Elliot will explain everything to you," Olivia said.

Rebecca let her take her coat and walked further into the apartment.

"Forgive me if I don't get up," Elliot said with a smirk, gesturing at his cast.

"Oh of course. It's good to see you again too, Elliot," Rebecca said, approaching the couch but clearly looking around for another place to sit.

Olivia had moved the coffee table away from the couch so Elliot had more room to get to the couch on his crutches, and the only single chair she had, had been moved away as well.

"I wish I could say the same doctor, but I've had amnesia for the past four years, and not everything has come back to me yet."

Rebecca looked at him more attentively, still standing.

"You mean you don't remember me?"

"'Fraid not. Sorry."

Olivia had to suppress a smile and busied herself putting their coffee on a tray.

"Please Rebecca, have a seat," she said, still wondering whether Rebecca would choose the couch or the chair.

She liked how ill at ease the psychiatrist seemed to be. Just like with Kathy, it made her feel all the more confident. Whatever Rebecca and Elliot had shared in the past, it was clearly not important enough for him to remember her. She couldn't deny that she was curious to know if they had ever hooked up, but part of her didn't want to think about Elliot with anyone other than herself or his former wife. She managed to keep a straight face when Rebecca opted for the chair, pulling it a little closer to the couch but keeping a respectable distance between herself and Elliot. Olivia put the tray on the coffee table and plopped down on the couch next to Elliot. This was her home after all. Her couch. And her Elliot. She sat close to him, tilting her upper body towards him, resting one elbow on the backrest of the couch. Elliot's response was minute but she saw it anyway. Her unmistakable body language amused him. It screamed "mine" for anyone who was tuned in enough to notice. And Rebecca noticed. _Hah_.

After the usual pleasantries had been exchanged about Olivia's lovely apartment, what a shock the accident must have been and how nice it truly was to see them both again, Rebecca finally asked why Elliot had asked to speak with her. Her assistant had told her something about him having amnesia and looking for answers, and about his accident of course, but that was basically it.

Olivia listened while Elliot explained the entire situation to Rebecca in a few minutes, and she admired him for his ability to summarize things so well. She saw Rebecca glance at her from time to time, and remembered how they'd gotten into several arguments over a case back in 2004. And then Elliot of all people had asked Rebecca to help them with that case, because one of their rape victims was a schizophrenic. She'd seen the looks on their faces when he asked her to tag along and it had irked her. Elliot had looked at Rebecca just like he usually looked at _her_ when they had this mutual agreement about something. In the end they had all contributed to solving the case and Olivia had hoped that would be the end of Rebecca's tour around the unit. Or rather, around Elliot.

But then Rebecca called them in on another case when she encountered a girl who'd been in a car accident, and suspected that she was a victim of sexual abuse. She was right, of course, but Olivia still hadn't felt comfortable with Rebecca hanging around. She'd actually been relieved when Elliot broke down during the case because of his dying marriage. If he was still this upset about his breakup with Kathy, she knew any woman would just be a rebound for him. Any woman including herself. And so she backed away, gave him more room and accepted her place as his partner once again. Strangely enough, she'd felt closer to him again after that, even when Rebecca showed up once again in a very weird case with twins that turned out to be more identical than anyone had expected.

And now they were here and Elliot explained to Rebecca how she had been the one to trigger his memory, and that his love for her had never been wiped out completely all those years. Olivia felt proud to hear him talk about her like that, so freely, without any embarrassment or hesitation. Rebecca noticed too how relaxed Elliot was.

"Can I just say that I'm very happy to hear you talk like this, Elliot," the psychiatrist said. "Because it was such a struggle for you to find an emotional balance when you came to me for advice."

"Well, that is what I wanted to talk to you about," Elliot said. "I need to know what I discussed with you that lead to my decision to retire."

"Oh, you mean the second time you came to me," Rebecca said, making both Olivia and Elliot frown.

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked.

"Well, in 2005, Elliot also came to me for help. He showed up on my doorstep one day."

 _What?!_

...

 **Isn't jealous Olivia adorable?**


	65. Trauma

**So, I'm al little surprised that several of my readers don't seem to know (or have forgotten) that Elliot indeed went to Rebecca for help in May, 2005. The viewers saw it, only Olivia didn't know. So this fact in itself is not suspicious. In that light, a word about Olivia's jealousy slash possessiveness: FYI, I trust my husband 100% yet there are a few women I don't trust around him. It's a gut feeling and fortunately, my husband listens to my gut in these cases. Feeling jealous does not always equate worrying about losing someone or not trusting them. End of jealousy lesson :))  
More will become clear in the next two chapters, including how close Rebecca and Elliot did or did not get. It will fill in a few more blanks for Elliot, as well as for Olivia. Have you all noticed the chapters are getting a bit longer on average?**

...

 **65\. Trauma**

"In 2005? Why did I ask for your help then?"

Elliot had sounded nothing but curious but Olivia couldn't help wondering what she'd missed. For how long had Elliot and Rebecca stayed in touch exactly after they'd worked with the woman on a few cases? Rebecca had lost her job at Bellevue during their last case because she'd obtained a patient's records illegally. The file ended up solving their case but cost her her job. Much to Olivia's surprise, Rebecca was called in one more time by Cragen, supposedly as an independent party to determine if they could remain partners. But how independent had she truly been? Had she and Elliot seen each other in the meantime? Or even _after_ that evaluation?

"You were struggling with a lot of anger, brought to the surface by a case involving one of your old partners."

Rebecca's answer forced Olivia to focus on the conversation at hand. She remembered that case. Elliot had been out of control and had beaten his old partner to a pulp. Cragen had sent him on a mandatory vacation to cool off as a result. He'd gone to Rebecca to talk about that?

"Why was I so angry?" Elliot asked innocently, and Rebecca exchanged a glance with Olivia.

"How much of your past do you remember exactly?" she asked him.

Elliot sighed and looked up at the ceiling, as if trying to picture his life as he remembered it so far. The side of his head brushed Olivia's elbow and she had to suppress the urge to touch him.

 _Mine_.

"I remember my partnership with Olivia. And my feelings for her and how I couldn't do anything about them because I was married."

His words made her heart soar once again and she knew she should let go of her possessiveness of him. It wasn't necessary because he wasn't going anywhere.

"I remember being married," Elliot continued, "but I barely remember my family. Same goes for our co-workers. Some things and people are familiar now, like Captain Cragen and Elizabeth, but a lot still isn't."

"Do you remember being separated from your wife?"

Olivia had to admit Rebecca was being very professional and was trying to help Elliot put more pieces of his life together. Elliot nodded slowly.

"I remember the change in dynamic between Liv and me. The separation is a side note to that, I guess."

Rebecca smiled and looked at Olivia. She could tell it was a genuine smile.

"And how does it make _you_ feel that everything Elliot remembers is centered around you?" Rebecca asked her.

Olivia chuckled and looked at Elliot, who was now looking at her as well, his bright blue eyes sparkling and making her stomach flutter.

"Well, I'm actually glad that the accident had one positive effect, and that it brought us back together. Having Elliot remember only me is ... very special."

"Your bond was always incredibly strong. Nothing could come between you, except you yourselves."

It was a very accurate assessment of their complicated relationship and Olivia let the words sink in for a moment.

"Did I talk to you about that? About me and Liv?"

Elliot's innocence was so liberating. He honestly didn't know and apparently he could care less what Rebecca thought of him or his questions.

"We talked about Olivia later on, but that first time you dropped by, you were upset that you'd beaten someone up. You talked about how you'd lost your family because your wife couldn't deal with your anger anymore. You didn't really open up at first and then wanted to leave, until I asked you if you'd ever thought of eating your gun."

Olivia's eyes went wide with shock. Eating his gun? Had he been that far gone? He'd been closed off, but if he'd been suicidal, surely she would have noticed? Noticed _something_ about him?

"Suicide's a sin," Elliot said.

"That's exactly what you said then," Rebecca said with a small smile.

"And what did I say? Was I thinking about ending it all?"

"You didn't really answer my question, but you did stay so I took that as a yes."

"El," Olivia said softly, placing her hand on his thigh.

His blue eyes connected with her browns again.

"I can imagine having a few desperate moments, Liv. Everything was going wrong."

"But you wouldn't have ..."

"No. No, Liv. I wouldn't have done it. I don't remember everything yet but you gotta believe that I would never do that to you or to my kids."

Elliot put his hand over hers on his thigh and Olivia swallowed hard. She hadn't known how desperate he'd truly been and somehow, she felt that she should have known.

"Why didn't you come to me?" she asked him softly, forgetting about Rebecca for the moment.

Elliot pulled his shoulders up and then dropped them again.

"We didn't talk, Liv. Not really. I guess I didn't want to burden you with my issues."

"And what issues would that be, Elliot?" Rebecca asked. "Do you remember what you were struggling with?"

Elliot looked at Rebecca for a few moments and then told her,

"It's why I asked you to come. You need to tell me, so I can remember."

Rebecca seemed hesitant and Olivia thought she knew why.

"Rebecca, he isn't repressing the memories," she told the psychiatrist. "He just doesn't remember. His amnesia was caused by blows to the head, not a psychological trauma. Please, just tell him what you talked about."

Rebecca looked from Olivia to Elliot and then back to Olivia. Then she nodded.

"You're right. It's a reflex for me to slip into counseling mode, I'm sorry."

She then went on to tell them what Elliot had told her about his father, and about how he had tried to teach Elliot how to be a man but never seemed pleased with what his son was doing at all. And how he had beaten Elliot to get his point across and had called him a failure time and time again. This trauma had probably resurfaced when he saw his old partner beat up his son but Elliot had still felt like a failure afterwards. Elliot leaned forward, his elbows on his knees while Rebecca spoke. He covered his face with his hands and tried to take deep breaths. Olivia knew that taking deep breaths was painful for him because of his broken ribs, and she put a hand on his back. He was trembling.

"My mother would never tell me about my father these past four years," he said, his voice trembling.

"She didn't want to hurt you," Olivia said, rubbing his back gently.

"You were so busy proving to everyone around you that you weren't weak and weren't a failure, that you forgot to enjoy your life and everything you'd accomplished," Rebecca summarized. "You were so busy taking care of everyone else, that you had nothing left for yourself."

Elliot rested his forehead in his hands and Olivia wondered if he was having another headache.

"And as a result, I ended up failing everyone, becoming the failure my dad said I was after all."

Olivia looked at Rebecca, who's eyes had widened a bit.

"You remember?" Rebecca asked.

"I remember feeling that," Elliot answered, and Olivia's heart broke a little for him.

"El, you weren't a failure. You never were!"

"I was," Elliot sighed, still resting his forehead in his hands. "I failed my wife and children. And you."

He turned his head and looked at Olivia, his eyes filled with sadness.

"No wonder you took off."

Olivia scooted closer to him and rested her forehead against his temple.

"That wasn't because I thought you were a failure. Believe it or not, but I've got a few childhood issues of my own."

Elliot chuckled and lifted his head to look at her.

"I remember you thought you shouldn't have been born. You were always trying to prove that you had some use after all. And you worried that you had bad blood."

"Did you worry you would eventually become your father?" Olivia asked him.

Elliot looked at Rebecca, as if asking her to answer the question for him.

"We had several sessions together, dealing with your father," Rebecca told them. "Elliot has never beaten any of his children and was determined not to become like him. But his failing marriage seemed to be hammering home what his father had told him all along, that he was a failure. This was why he kept trying to fix it, even when it had become un-fixable. I remember you telling me, Elliot, how it had moved you that your old partner apologized to his son. Your father never apologized to you. Still, you should know that you deserved an apology, and that your father was wrong. You are not a failure and you don't have to keep putting pressure on yourself to prove that."

"Is he still doing that?" Olivia asked Rebecca.

She knew Elliot's rage hadn't disappeared after 2005, nor had his drive to try and fix everything, including his marriage.

"These kinds of issues are carved so deeply into who we are, that there will always be remnants of it in our lives. They don't have to _rule_ our lives anymore though. Knowing they are there and being able to talk about them, will go a long way in reducing their influence in your life."

...

Olivia got up to make them all a fresh cup of coffee, giving them time to let all the new information sink in. Elliot sat back and watched her. He was starting to remember the constant feeling of inadequacy that had apparently been ingrained in him by his father. The only times he didn't feel inadequate had been when he was talking to victims. He had a special rapport with children, who usually sensed that he could be trusted. Maybe it had been because he was just like them in the end. Hurt by adults who were taking out their own frustrations on the children. No wonder he'd stayed in the SVU for so long. He knew it had to be the same for Olivia, who was still fighting for justice for women like her mother and children like herself. Speaking up for others, the way someone should have spoken up for her. And for him. He admired Olivia for what she had made of her life, and despite how his career in law enforcement had ended, he should be proud of what he had done, too.

When Olivia sat back down next to him, he took her hand in his and held it between his hands. She looked at him surprised, and when she saw the look in his eyes, she smiled hesitantly.

"Liv, for two screwed-up kids like we are, I think we did pretty well. We haven't become our parents and we've made a real difference in the world. I'm proud of us."

Olivia bit her lip and he could tell she was moved by his words.

"Look how great we turned out," she said softly, and the words clicked with him.

It was like he needed to shuffle the slides around a bit of the slideshow his life was for him at the moment, consisting of all kinds of seemingly unrelated memories, but after a beat the right slide popped up. Olivia had met a man who had been molested as a child. He had been so afraid that he'd hurt his own son, that he had moved out and was supporting him financially without seeing him at all. He'd been worried about what might be inside him, just like Olivia had been worried for so long that she might have bad blood because her father had been a rapist. He'd said the exact same thing to Olivia then. _Look how great you turned out._

They had both been raised by parents who were overwhelmed with what had happened to them. His father had been bitter about losing his job and his pension, and about having a wife with a mental illness. Olivia's mother had never gotten over her rape and had turned to the bottle. They had both been beaten regularly, their parents taking out their frustrations on them. And they both had decided to be different. To only do good and make sure other people would be better off than they had been themselves. They had succeeded for the most part. They both had quite a temper, because the frustration needed _some_ kind of outlet, but he preferred a yelling match every once in a while to becoming physical and hurting her. He would never hurt her, or let anyone else hurt her. Which brought him back to his initial question, the one he wanted to ask Rebecca to answer for him. Had he been on his way to become a killer after all, because his love for Olivia was beginning to overwhelm him?

...

 **More soon, also on Rebecca and Elliot's rapport. Review?**


	66. Decision

**66\. Decision**

"So, what else did you talk about during your sessions?" Olivia asked Rebecca. "And for how long did they go on after that Breslin case?"

The partners both looked at the psychiatrist, who suddenly seemed less at ease than before. She did answer the question though.

"We had about five or six sessions over the course of four weeks, dealing with Elliot's childhood, his parents, his marriage and his children. After that, he felt that he could handle things better and we ehm ... ended the treatment."

Olivia raised an eyebrow because of how Rebecca had said 'ended'.

"You ended the treatment. Is there a special ritual or something?"

"No," Rebecca said quickly. "We ehm ... we went out for drinks."

"Really?"

Olivia smirked and looked at Elliot.

"You took your shrink out for drinks."

"Apparently," Elliot said with a grin.

He winked at Olivia before looking at Rebecca again.

"Did we have fun?" he asked her innocently.

"Isn't that unethical?" Olivia asked almost at the same time.

Rebecca reached for her fresh coffee, put one sugar in it and started stirring the hot liquid nervously.

"Well, the sessions weren't really official. It was more like helping a friend out so it wasn't unethical," she argued.

"Maybe not officially, but still," Olivia said, wondering why Rebecca would even want to go out with someone who's brain she'd been picking for a few weeks, other than the most obvious reason.

"So, did we have fun?" Elliot asked again, putting on his most charming smile.

Rebecca couldn't suppress a small smile and Olivia knew she wasn't immune to Elliot's charm.

"Well, let me put it this way, Elliot," she then stated. "I really liked you and I enjoyed getting to know you. You're a very honest, decent man and those are hard to come by these days. But once we got to the bar and you had a few drinks in you, you just wouldn't stop talking about Olivia."

Olivia had to make an effort not to laugh out loud. Rebecca must have been so disappointed. By now, she was finally getting used to the idea that Elliot had loved her for a long time. This knowledge was finding a place in her heart, settling there like a calming, reassuring presence. All this time, her love for him had been answered by his love for her. They just hadn't heard each other. They did now, and knowing that Elliot had been out on a date with Rebecca, didn't change anything. Well, it amused her, because he'd been talking about her the whole time.

"What did I say about Olivia?" Elliot asked, reaching for Olivia's hand again and squeezing it gently.

"Well, I found it remarkable that you were struggling with losing your wife on the one hand, while expressing a very clear fondness of your partner. I could understand that it wasn't the right time in your life to act on those feelings, but I could see it happening one day. At the time, you were still trying to accept that ending your marriage didn't equate being a failure. Olivia was your friend and truly someone you could lean on. But it could create problems at work because you were too close as partners and friends."

"Cragen asked you to evaluate us a while later," Olivia stated.

"Yes."

"You asked us some pretty heavy questions."

"Yes."

"What kind of questions?" Elliot asked.

"Well, for one, she asked me if I had to choose between saving a member of the public or saving my partner, what would I do."

"I asked both of you that question," Rebecca added.

Elliot's face had gone serious.

"We had to make that choice once," he said quietly.

"More than once," Olivia added.

Rebecca just nodded. She knew. And she knew their answers.

"So why didn't Cragen split us up?" Olivia asked.

"Because I told him not to."

Rebecca looked both of them in the eye and then clarified,

"It was very clear to me that you two belonged together. While working together wasn't the healthiest thing to do, splitting you up would have been even more devastating."

Olivia looked down at her coffee, finally picking it up to take a sip. She knew how devastating it had been to go on without Elliot when he did leave. It had hurt so badly, physically even at times. But she'd managed to keep working and do her job. It had just cost her so much more without Elliot by her side. Usually, they hadn't really talked much after heavy cases, but it had helped just to be able to look at him and know they were feeling the same thing. Were suffering in the same way. Were going to keep fighting anyway.

It had taken her a long time to get used to Nick. She had come to appreciate him eventually and he had helped her open up to other people again who weren't Elliot. But Nick had left, just like Cragen and Munch. And each time someone left her, her heart closed a little bit further. It had been all but boarded up when Noah came into her life. He'd saved her and had helped her see that there was still unconditional love in the world. And now Elliot was back and had slipped back into her heart so easily, like he belonged there. And he did. He had always belonged there.

"And then in 2011, did I contact you again?" Elliot asked, and Olivia focused on the conversation at hand again.

"You did. You were basically at the end of your rope and still struggling with your marriage as well as your feelings for Olivia. After shooting a young girl, you just couldn't take it anymore."

"Did you tell him to quit?" Olivia asked her sharply, because this was the question they wanted to have answered today.

Rebecca was a little taken aback by Olivia's tone, and set her coffee down carefully before she spoke again.

"Elliot explained to me how he had gone back to his wife and why, and told me about the shooting at the station. He knew that the reason for shooting the girl had been partly selfish and not as justified as everyone said it had been."

Elliot nodded. He remembered that. He had fired for fear of losing Olivia.

"His love for you, Olivia, had been repressed for too long. To avoid any further damage, I did recommend that he leave the job."

"You need to quit now before you end up a murderer. It's the only solution," Elliot said slowly. "Were those your words?"

"It sounds like something I would have said, yes."

"So when you said splitting us up would have been devastating?" Olivia asked, trying not to sound like she was attacking Rebecca, but she was feeling some tension towards her now.

"To be honest, I had not expected Elliot to leave you as well," Rebecca said. "That was his own choice, which I've only just heard of from you now."

"I'm sorry Liv," Elliot whispered and when Olivia looked at him, she could see that his face had gone pale.

"El, what is it?" she asked him, immediately concerned. "Are you feeling sick?"

"No. Yes. I ... I think I'm remembering something."

...

His head was starting to throb and the feeling was becoming familiar. There was a memory resurfacing and it wasn't a good one. He could see himself sitting on a couch, holding his head in his hands, and he imitated the stance. He rocked back and forth and barely registered Olivia's hand rubbing his back soothingly. He heard the concern in her voice and in Rebecca's, but different voices were coming back to him. His own voice, mostly, and a few others.

 _"I can't do it anymore. I can't face them. I can't look at myself in the mirror. This isn't why I became a cop."_

 _"You need to make a decision, Elliot."_

 _Was that his Captain's voice?_

 _"I tried to talk her down and she was going to put the gun down, but then this idiot started taunting her."_

 _"Who?"_

 _Who was questioning him?_

 _"Skinner. Her mom's killer."_

 _"Then what happened?"_

 _"She was going to start firing again but the gun wasn't steady in her hand. She could have shot anyone at that point."_

 _"What did you do?"_

 _"I warned her again and when I had a clear shot, I fired."_

 _"How many times?"_

 _"Once."_

 _"Did you shoot to kill?"_

 _"Of course not. I just reacted."_

 _"I should have just let her shoot the bastard."_

 _He was back on the couch. With Rebecca?_

 _"You couldn't risk it. She might have shot more bystanders."_

 _"All I cared about was Olivia."_

 _"Someone needed to stop her, Elliot."_

 _"I didn't mean to kill her."_

 _"Everyone knows that."_

 _"Do they? What if this happens again? I'm afraid I'll freak out when she is in danger. I've become a danger to society. I can't carry a gun ever again."_

 _"If that is truly how you feel, you need to quit now before you end up a murderer. It's the only solution. And get help. It doesn't have to be forever."_

 _He nodded fervently, wincing when he felt a sting of pain in his head as well as his chest. He could feel Olivia's warm breath on his cheek as she tried to calm him down, but he was still trapped in the memory._

 _"Yes it does. It does have to be forever. I'm putting in my papers."_

He scrubbed his hands down his face and noticed there were tears on his cheeks. He looked around and found himself back in Olivia's apartment, Olivia sitting close to him and Rebecca looking very concerned.

"What did you just remember?" Olivia asked him softly.

"My decision," he said, his voice shaking. "My decision to never be a cop again."

...

 **More soon. Yes, Rebecca will leave eventually and Liv & El will have some time together. Please be patient :)**


	67. Close

**Thank you so much again for all your feedback. Whenever you, the readers, ask a question or tell me something is unclear, I try to work it into the story. So do keep the comments coming while I'm still writing this!  
As for how much time has passed by in the story: this conversation with Rebecca is supposed to be on Friday, December 18, 2015 - one week before Christmas. I checked the exact timeline and this makes the day of the accident the evening of Tuesday, December 8. Eleven days in 67 chapters and counting! Record day so far is day six, which took up 15 whole chapters (40-54). Conclusion: Elliot's forced celibacy officially won't be over until January 19, 2016. We will see about that ... :)**

...

 **67\. Close**

Olivia had gotten Elliot some water and he tried to take a few deep breaths. His ribs were killing him but after a few minutes, his headache subsided a little and he could explain his flashback. He thought he'd heard Captain Cragen tell him he needed to make a decision, and it had sounded like a phone call. But he'd been questioned - interrogated? - by two other men in suits.

"IAB?" Rebecca asked. "You told me they grilled you for quite a while."

"It's possible. I remember a guy staring at me without ever blinking."

"Tucker," Olivia mumbled and he looked at her.

Olivia shrugged.

"He's always after us. Do you remember if he tried to make it your fault?"

Elliot didn't remember. He did remember how he'd finally told Rebecca he was going to quit.

"I couldn't face you yet, Liv. I'm sorry," he said softly.

Olivia just rubbed his back again, and looked at Rebecca.

"You actually _told_ him to retire? Is that even your job?"

Rebecca bit her lip and then shook her head.

"Ordinarily I wouldn't suggest such a thing, but as a friend, I felt he needed that last push. He was too intertwined with you and overwhelmed with guilt about what had happened as well as fear that it might happen again. He needed space to clear his head and then choose wisely. I honestly hadn't expected him to walk out of your life, Olivia."

"But I was coming back to her," Elliot said. "I wrote her a letter."

"Yeah, only I never got it."

Rebecca was curious and they explained to her what had happened with the letter, and the argument with Kathy that had lead up to Elliot storming out of his birthday party and getting mugged.

"I should have a chat with your ex-wife some day," Rebecca said dryly after Olivia had explained what Kathy had done.

"I don't think she'll give us any more trouble," Olivia said, and Elliot was surprised.

"Why do you say that?" he asked her, and Olivia explained.

"The other day when we spoke with Kathy, right before she left, she looked at me and I could see the acceptance in her eyes. She fought like hell to keep you but in the end, she wants you to be happy. She really does love you, El."

"You could tell all that from just one look?"

Olivia smiled faintly.

"It's a girl thing I guess."

He believed her, having accepted years ago that he would never fully understand women. He suddenly recalled feeling that way about his daughters and their friends - again, not really remembering them, but just the feeling. He remembered new little things every day now, and it made his stomach flutter. He owed it all to Olivia and his unbreakable connection to her.

Rebecca checked the time and told them she needed to get back to Brooklyn for an appointment. They thanked her for coming and for her honesty, and Elliot winked at her when she said goodbye. He grinned when Rebecca looked away quickly. He kind of liked having this effect on women and wondered if he'd be able to make Olivia blush, too. He was a cocky bastard and he knew it.

...

Olivia made them a quick lunch and then helped Elliot back into bed. He needed to rest because he had a checkup at the hospital later that afternoon. He was going to arrange for Eli's paternity test then too. Olivia really hoped Eli would turn out to be Elliot's son. She walked around the bed to straighten out the comforter and planned to leave the bedroom after that. When Elliot asked her to lay with him, she hesitated. She had gotten used to sleeping next to him by now, but only because Elliot was usually so exhausted at night that he'd fall asleep within a few minutes. He slept less deeply during the day, and despite his aching body, he was trying to get close to her regularly. It was frustrating to no end that they couldn't fully express their love for each other now that they were finally allowed. As a result, Olivia tried to stay away from him physically altogether. But Elliot clearly disagreed with this tactic.

"Liv, I just love having you close," Elliot pleaded, looking at her with his irresistible puppy eyes.

"Yeah right," she huffed while arranging the comforter. "You love to get frisky."

"That too."

His eyes sparkled and she couldn't help laughing.

"I can't believe you. You've got these splitting headaches every day, and memories coming back to you, but when you see the bed you just flip a switch and think of sex?"

Elliot grinned and shrugged.

"What can I tell you? I'm a guy. Besides, I've learned to live in the present these past four years. You should try it some time."

Before she knew what was happening, Elliot had snatched her right wrist and pulled her onto the bed. She collided with the right side of his body and she could tell it was painful, but Elliot didn't let go of her wrist.

"Do you have any idea what it does to me, not being able to touch you like I want to?" he croaked out, letting go of her wrist and pushing her hair out of her face to look into her eyes.

"I do, actually," Olivia admitted.

"Then why are we fighting it?"

"Your hip," Olivia argued. "It's not allowed yet. And your ribs ..."

"There are others ways to make love, Olivia."

The words 'make love' falling from his lips made her stomach clench and her breath hitch. When she didn't respond, Elliot cupped her cheek. She moved with his hand automatically until he could kiss her lips. She expelled her breath against his lips and before she could breathe in, his lips were on hers again. She propped herself up on her left elbow, never breaking the kiss, and gave in then, kissing him back passionately until they were both moaning, breathing heavily through their noses. Elliot's left hand drifted down her body, from her cheek to her shoulder and then to her chest. She couldn't help moaning again, finally breaking off the kiss to breathe in deeply. Elliot's eyes seemed to have gone a few shades darker and he kept them trained on hers while he moved his hand over her breast. Even with two layers of clothing between his hand and her body, she reacted strongly to him. Images of his strong, muscular form hovering over her assaulted her brain and she closed her eyes. It only made the sensations and the images stronger, and she opened them quickly. She wanted to feel him too, and her right hand drifted across his chest, her fingers finding his small nipples through the thin tank top he was wearing.

"Liv," Elliot sighed, and he squeezed her breast gently.

Olivia didn't look at his face and followed the movements of her own hand in stead, imagining what it would feel like to touch his bare chest. She had seen him shirtless many times but she'd never been allowed to touch.

"Let me touch you Liv," Elliot pleaded, squeezing again and then moving his hand further down her body.

Olivia dropped down on her side, giving Elliot more room to touch her, and as his hand drifted lower and lower, she rolled on her back. She knew where his hand was going and she wanted it there. It had been so long ... Elliot managed to roll over on his right side and moved his mouth close to his ear.

"Let me do this for you," he whispered and his words sent chills through her entire body. He wanted to ...

"El," she said, protesting weakly, but just then, his hand had reached its destination.

She wanted her clothes gone in that instant. Feeling him trough her pants wasn't enough. She was trying to feel guilty about wanting this because it would be less satisfactory for Elliot, but her desire was overriding her logic at the moment. She moaned, arching her back and when Elliot applied a little more pressure with his hand, she turned her head to kiss him.

"Oh baby," Elliot mumbled against her lips.

"What about you?" she managed to croak out against his.

Elliot kissed her deeply again while moving his fingers exactly where she wanted them. When he broke off the kiss, he told her,

"It just feels so good to touch you. It's enough for now."

Olivia's body was screaming to feel him skin on skin and she pushed her hips into his touch. Elliot moved his hand up to the button of her pants.

"May I?" he asked softly and she managed to say 'please' before his lips closed over hers again.

His right arm was underneath her neck and he bent it, pulling her face closer to his while placing his hand on her chest. Olivia scooted as close to him as possible until his hand could reach her breast. He moved his right hand inside her white blouse and traced the egde of her bra while he unbuttoned and unzipped her pants with his left hand. His mouth was skimming her ear and her body was on overload. If she responded so strongly to just a few simple touches, imagine what they would be like once they actually ...

"Ugh!"

Elliot had shoved his hand down her pants and her body jolted. He was now cupping her over her panties but she was so wet that she thought she could come just from this.

"You're dripping," he whispered and she was beyond embarrassment at this point.

The fingers of his right hand kept dancing on the top of her breast and she needed more. She was breathing rapidly and couldn't take it anymore, so she pulled her blouse down herself and then her bra, exposing her scarred but very excited right breast.

Elliot groaned loudly and covered the newly exposed skin with his hand immediately. His other hand moved up and then quickly back down again inside her panties, his fingers finally connecting with her most sensitive skin.

She knew it wouldn't take long. Her body was desperate for a release and just knowing this was Elliot touching her, was enough to make her spiral out of control fast. He definitely knew what he was doing and his low grunts close to her ear only enhanced her own arousal. She wanted to say something, maybe tell him he was doing everything right, but no words would form. When her body shook and she gasped, it told Elliot all he needed to know. He had definitely done everything right.

...

 **I've tried to keep this T rated for now. If you feel this rating is wrong, let me know and I will change it to M. Reviews make me happy.**


	68. Hole

**Apologies for the delay. I'm currently on a roll writing my other story, Take Your Time, which is nearing it's finale. This one will continue also, I promise. Here's the next installment - only a few more to go here as well.**

...

 **68\. Hole**

Elliot had readjusted her bra and blouse immediately, and Olivia was curled up against his side on top of the comforter, eyes closed, enjoying the afterglow of what Elliot had just done. She knew he must have seen the scars on her breast but he hadn't reacted to them visibly and she definitely didn't feel like talking about them right now. She felt warm and tingly and wanted to hold on to that feeling just a little longer. But she did feel bad for Elliot.

"El, if there's anything I can do ..." she started, but Elliot placed a finger over her lips even before she could finish.

"No need Liv. I just love holding you close. Besides, unfortunately pain isn't the only thing these big doses of painkillers are killing at the moment. If you know what I mean."

She could tell he was grinning with her eyes closed and she was tempted to peek, to see how 'dead' he really was. As if reading her mind, Elliot added,

"Honestly Liv, it would take forever in my current state before I'd get anywhere. And I really should be resting."

He pulled her a little closer and Olivia knew she had no choice but to accept that she couldn't return the favor right now. A small, selfish part of her really didn't mind, because she always got very sleepy after sex. It hadn't always been like that, so maybe it was because she was getting older. It didn't matter. She felt wonderful right where she was, her body content and relaxed and Elliot's body warm and safe against hers. She hadn't planned on taking a nap with him, but she could already feel herself drifting off. Just for a few minutes, she thought.

...

Elliot smiled when he felt Olivia relax against him and he knew she was falling asleep. He was sleepy too, and he'd been telling the truth about his pain killers. They were quite strong and had a devastating effect on his libido. It didn't diminish his love for Olivia in any way though, nor his desire to touch her and be close to her. The days when he could only admire her from a distance were behind them and he had this urge to use every single opportunity to touch her in some way, like holding her hand or caressing her face. He'd done some serious touching just now and he'd had no idea how she would react when he suggested it. The way she had surrendered to his touch so easily, only confirmed to him that it had been the same for her: a slow torture to be near each other without ever being allowed to touch and be touched. He hoped she wouldn't feel guilty about how she hadn't pleasured him in return. If only she knew how amazing it had been for him as well, to finally be able to love her the way she deserved. He didn't want to waste any more time. They had waited long enough for their chance to be together and he wasn't going to let something trivial like broken bones get between them.

As he felt himself doze off as well, all he could think of was the warm softness of her body and the sounds she'd made, taking her with him in his dreams.

...

They had only just made it in time for his checkup. The doctor urged him to take it easy and not overdo things, and Elliot exchanged a look with Olivia. Maybe he should stay in for a little longer before going on field trips again to get more information about his past. But he hadn't wanted Kathy to come to Olivia's place and he didn't regret the meeting. After the doctor as well as Greg had checked him out, Elliot told the doctor about the paternity test he wanted to have done. The doctor referred him to another ward and walked with them to explain to the desk nurse that Elliot was a special amnesia patient so they'd be helped right away. Elliot was grateful and once he'd given another nurse a DNA sample, he gave her Kathy's address and Eli's full name and date of birth, so they could invite them to come in to give Eli's sample as well.

"Do you need a picture of my son?" Elliot asked the nurse.

"Does the mother want the test to be positive?" she asked in return.

"She does. I'm the one who wants to be sure," Elliot answered.

"In that case, I'm sure she'll bring the right child," the nurse said with a smile, and they couldn't argue with her logic.

"He does have a brother," Elliot said.

"How old is he?"

Elliot grinned. Right. There was no way Richard could pass as an eight-year old. He would be 23 in February.

"Never mind," he mumbled, and Olivia chuckled.

After leaving the hospital Olivia wanted to pick up Noah and Elliot chose to wait for them in the car. He really did need to take it easy for a while longer so he'd heal faster and could get off of those debilitating pain killers. Noah's happy chatter from the backseat made his head hurt on the drive home and he was glad Olivia understood that he'd want to retreat into the bedroom until dinner. He was honored that Noah had accepted his presence so easily but he needed some time alone to digest all he'd learned over the past few days. He lay down on the bed and closed his eyes.

After shooting a girl because he feared losing Olivia, he had struggled with his feelings for her and how deeply they had come to affect his judgement and his actions. He'd sought help after a while and Rebecca had encouraged him to take a step back and retire from law enforcement. He tried to stay away from Olivia too, but he just couldn't move on. Finally, he'd written Olivia a letter, that Kathy had taken out of the envelope before he mailed it out. He'd probably taken it to the post office himself but he hadn't know the letter was no longer inside. He had been ready to end his marriage and wanted Olivia back in his life. But Olivia hadn't come to meet him. Then, fate had struck and he'd lost all memory of her. He'd lost all his memories of anyone or anything. No one had ever bothered to tell him about Olivia, or about the fact that he'd been on the verge of walking out on his wife, and the fact that he had found out that Olivia never got his letter.

They had tried to make him live a lie, painted a picture of his family life that didn't resemble what it had truly been. It hadn't worked. From day one, it had felt like clothes that didn't fit. He'd tried anyway, mainly for the children. Eli had truly stolen his heart and his closed eyes filled with tears thinking about the young boy. He _had_ to be his son. He just had to. But his life in their family home hadn't felt like home. There had been a hole in his life that he just couldn't seem to fill. Not with spending time with his children, who were basically strangers to him. Not with sex, which he'd only tried a few times with the woman claiming to be his wife. She had been a stranger to him as well, and it had felt very wrong to be intimate with her. She had definitely tried to encourage him but after a while, she had become bitter. Strangely enough, that had felt more fitting than the harmonious, loving relationship she had tried to conjure up for him.

He understood now. They had both become bitter over time, and while Kathy had hoped they could start fresh, her own disappointment hadn't disappeared overnight. It was still there, and as soon as she realized that they weren't really starting over and falling in love again, it had resurfaced.

Moving out had been what was best for all of them, even for Eli, who still spent every other weekend and holiday with him. Now that he wasn't working anymore, Elliot regularly picked him up for field trips outside of their weekends and holidays together, and Kathy never tried to keep him away. He'd been grateful before but in hindsight, he wondered if it hadn't been her guilty conscience making her cooperate. He hadn't forgiven her for taking the letter yet, and he didn't know if he could ever forgive her for not telling him about it after their divorce. What did she still have to gain by keeping it, and by keeping Olivia away? She'd said she wasn't going to give her husband to another woman on a silver platter. He didn't think he'd ever understand that. She'd actually preferred to keep everyone miserable?

Elliot sighed. He didn't blame his children in the end, or even his mother, for not telling him about his job and his partner in the beginning. But surely they must have heard about what had happened to Olivia in 2013? Even then, none of them had said anything. Kathy had mentioned something in passing, and he wondered now if she'd felt guilty after all and had tried to see if he'd remember this particular cop. But he'd been in LA when Olivia was making all the headlines, and she wasn't front page news anymore by the time he got back to the city. Maureen hadn't known but he wanted to ask his other three adult children about it soon.

He smiled, thinking of Elizabeth. He remembered her in a way now. He _knew_ she was his daughter, and it wasn't because people had told him she was. He really knew it and he was looking forward to seeing her twin brother again, to see if he'd feel that connection with his son as well. He truly hoped he would.

...

Olivia attended a few more sessions in court in the days leading up to Christmas, and then Elliot got a call from Elizabeth. She told them Richard was in town and would like to visit his father, and asked if it was okay, and if she could come along. Elliot grinned when Olivia nodded fervently and told his daughter that she and Richard were most welcome to come over. They agreed on the night of the 23rd. Two days before Christmas.

...

 **To be continued soon.**


	69. Richard

**Unfortunately, I've hit some serious writers block on this story and it's supposed to be almost finished! I hope this chapter won't disappoint. I'm crawling towards the finish line.**

 **Also, I'd like to recommend Stargitay's latest story to you all! It's called "Change" and I'm sure you'll love it.**

...

 **69\. Richard**

Olivia could tell that Elliot was a little nervous. He hadn't seen Richard in a while and things had been strained between them. He felt like Richard actually blamed him for not remembering his family, as if they weren't important enough for him to remember. Olivia was nervous herself. How would the young man feel once he'd realize that apparently, she _had_ been important enough to remember? He'd been a little hostile towards her in the past, and Kathleen had told her that her brother had never been Olivia's biggest fan. He'd felt like his father was choosing her over his mother whenever the job got in the way of their family life.

Elliot was dressed in clean sweats and sitting comfortably on the couch an hour before the twins would arrive. He tried to give his attention to Noah, but Olivia could tell he was distracted. The sound of his phone ringing startled him and Olivia suppressed a smile. When he picked it up and checked who was calling, he looked at her.

"It's Kathleen."

He answered the call then, and from his end of the conversation, Olivia deduced that Kathleen and Terrence wanted to come over. Elliot looked at her and she nodded. She had a few extra chairs in storage down in the basement of her building. She didn't host big parties often but she wanted Elliot to be surrounded by his family and was glad that her apartment was big enough. She would need to keep an eye on Noah though, because he wasn't used to having so many people over. She'd just hauled two chairs up to her apartment when Elliot's phone rang again. This time it was Maureen. After a short exchange between father and daughter, Elliot held his hand over his phone to tell her,

"Maureen and Steve arrived in the city last night and they want to come over as well. Liz told her Richard was coming and now they wanna come too."

Elliot seemed a little overwhelmed himself and she asked him if he was up for so many visitors. They were expecting the twins and Jessie at three and Elliot told her he'd asked Kathleen to come around four.

"Put Maureen and Steve at four too then," Olivia said softly.

Elliot nodded. They wanted to talk to Richard first. He gave Maureen the message as well as Olivia's address and then looked up at her again.

"You wanna bring Eli?" he asked his daughter, and Olivia grinned.

She needed more chairs. All of his kids were coming, plus several significant others. It was going to be a full house.

...

At 3.02 the buzzer announced the arrival of their first visitors. He and Olivia had done their best to explain to Noah that they were having people over, and that they were all Elliot's family, but he wasn't sure he understood. The boy was sitting on the couch next to Elliot, looking at the door expectantly as Olivia walked over to open it. Elliot was nervous. He wasn't really worried about how Richard would act around him or Olivia, but he knew he'd gotten his hopes up of remembering his son, now that he remembered Elizabeth in a way. He'd gotten used to not remembering over time, but the past two weeks had been such a rollercoaster for him, with all of these memories finally returning, that he just needed more.

"There they are," he said softly to Noah when he saw the small group of three enter the apartment, Elizabeth and Jessie first, followed by Richard.

The girls greeted Olivia at the door with a warm hug and he saw Olivia's eyes light up, and then dim a little again when she turned to greet Richard. Richard seemed tense as well, and when he extended his hand, it looked very formal.

"Richard, welcome. It's been a long time," Olivia said kindly while shaking his hand.

Richard nodded.

"It has. How have you been, Olivia?"

"I'm fine, thanks. Which is more than I can say for your father."

She gestured at Elliot, who admired her for deflecting the attention away from herself so quickly. The small group moved closer to the couch and after smiling at Elliot, Jessie immediately sat down on her knees in front of Noah.

"Hey little man, what's your name?" she asked him. "I'm Jessie."

"I Noah," Noah said softly, putting his little hand on Elliot's thigh.

It made his heart soar. Olivia's son felt safe with him.

"Hi Noah. Is it okay that we're here to visit Elliot?" Jessie asked him, and Elizabeth glowed with pride, seeing her girlfriend interact with the youngest member of the group.

Noah looked up at Elliot, who nodded at him.

"Okay," he told Jessie then.

"Thank you so much, Noah. This is my friend Liz."

Jessie stood up and Elizabeth said 'hi' to Noah.

"Hi!" Noah said with a small smile, apparently beginning to feel a little bolder.

"And this is my brother Richard," Elizabeth said, gesturing at her brother, who until now had stayed behind a little.

Elizabeth moved aside to kiss her father on the cheek, giving Richard some room to greet Noah.

"Hey buddy," Richard said, and Elliot could tell that the young man wasn't at ease yet.

"I Noah," Noah repeated and Elliot chuckled. The two-year old must be thinking Richard thought his name was buddy.

"I'm sorry sir," Richard said immediately, and Elliot could see a twinkle in his eyes. "Hello Noah, it's nice to meet you."

Richard leaned down and held up his hand. Noah giggled and put his hand against Richard's.

"Havaav," he said, and Richard smiled.

"High five," he answered, and Noah nodded happily.

The young man then looked at his father and Elliot looked up at him.

"Dad," Richard said. "How are you doing?"

"I'm getting there," he answered his son, feeling slightly disappointed that he didn't feel that spark of familiarity he'd hoped for. "Olivia is taking good care of me," he added.

He saw the look in his son's eyes change.

"Yeah, Liz told me. She's been good to her and Jessie too," Richard stated flatly, stuffing his hands in his pant pockets.

The girls had already found a place to sit and Olivia had retreated into the kitchen to check on their coffee. Elliot looked at his son more attentively.

"Does that bother you, Richard?" he asked him directly, skipping all the small talk about Richard's job completely for the moment. He wanted to get this out of the way as quickly as possible, probably more for Olivia's sake than his own.

Richard finally sat down on the couch, leaving some room between himself and Noah. He stayed sitting upright, his hands folded in his lap. He looked around the room and made eye contact with Olivia, who was just walking back to the living area with their coffee. Elliot watched his son as he watched his former partner. He saw Richard's eyes move to Noah, to his twin sister and her girlfriend, back to Olivia and finally to his father.

"It's no secret that it used to bother me that you spent more time with Olivia than with us," Richard replied honestly.

From the corner of his eye, Elliot saw Olivia sit down on one of the extra chairs. He could feel the tension between the two people and he automatically put a hand to his forehead. Noah had decided that he'd sat still long enough and hopped off the couch. He walked up to Jessie, who had apparently struck the right cord with him and asked her innocently,

"Pway wit Noah dino?"

All the adults in the room were temporarily distracted, and when Noah tried to get Jessie to come with him to his room, Olivia nodded and smiled. Jessie and Noah left the room to play in Noah's room but Elizabeth stayed, clearly interested in the conversation between her twin and their father. Olivia scooted her chair a little closer to Elliot, who was still rubbing his forehead.

"Headache?" she asked him softly. He knew she was tense as well but she was still looking out for him.

Elliot nodded. He lowered his hand and looked at his son again. He had a feeling that there was more to Richard's remark. He didn't feel like defending himself. He'd no doubt done that countless times, trying to convince his family that it was the job, not his partner, that kept him away from home.

"And now?" he asked the younger man simply.

Richard seemed surprised at his direct line of questioning and hesitant to answer the question.

"It seems your father has shed some of his filters over the past few weeks," Olivia chimed in. "And I have to say it's ehm, ... liberating."

That actually elicited a small smile from Richard.

"I can imagine. We Stablers usually bottle everything up."

"No need son," Elliot said encouragingly. "It's important to me to get along with all my children, and Olivia has become a part of my life again. If there's something you need to get off your chest to maybe clear the air, now is as good a time as any to do it."

Richard glanced at Olivia again, and they smiled faintly at each other.

"See," Olivia said, her smile widening a bit. "He's impossibly direct some times."

"So he's finally come clean about being in love with you?"

Richard almost seemed shocked himself at his own blunt question, but he didn't look away. Elliot somehow recognized the stubborn pride in the younger man's eyes. He looked ... just like him.

"Subtle Dick, very subtle," Elizabeth muttered, earning an angry glare from her twin brother.

Elliot looked from Richard to his sister and back. His head was killing him but around him, the conversation continued.

"Actually, he has," Olivia answered Richard.

"Yeah, and even mom accepts it now, so you'd better accept it too," Elizabeth added. "They've been divorced for like three years. It's not Olivia's fault this time."

Olivia raised an eyebrow and Elliot knew it was because Elizabeth had said 'this time'. Was that for Richard's benefit or did she really still feel like things had gone sour between him and Kathy in the past because of his partner?

"You _did_ prefer spending time with her all those years, didn't you?" Richard suddenly asked his father, as if the mention of his mother reminded him of why he'd never liked his father's work partner.

Elliot closed his eyes, partly because of his headache and partly because he wasn't sure how he should answer his son's question. He was relieved when Olivia chipped in once more.

"Your father always tried to be there for you guys, Richard. Whenever he couldn't, it was because of the cases we worked on. Nothing inappropriate ever happened between us and I've always supported your parents' marriage."

"I appreciate that, Olivia," Richard replied formally, "but that wasn't an answer to my question."

"Dickie!" Elizabeth hissed, but her brother ignored her.

"I remember ... having feelings for Olivia," Elliot said, trying very hard to get the words out despite his headache. "But I fought for my marriage. Duty and responsibility always came first for me. On the job and at home."

Duty and responsibility were words that resonated with the young Marine. Elliot watched his son digest his words and as he looked at the younger version of himself, he suddenly remembered holding him. Very tight. Were they crying?

 _You can hate me all you want._

 _You're my son._

 _You're my son._

Those words echoed in his mind and Elliot took a deep breath. Olivia put her hand on his knee, sensing that something was happening. Then Elliot repeated out loud the words that kept repeating in his head.

"You're my son."

...

 **Dun dun ...**  
 **Finally, another chapter done. I hope I'm capturing Richard's character correctly here. Let me know? More soon, I hope!  
Don't forget to check out "Change" by Stargitay.**


	70. Poetic Justice

**I'm so sorry this is taking so long. I didn't mean to make you all wait this long, but I'm still struggling with writers block for this story. I'm wrapping it up in my head but I want to do it meticulously on paper (well, screen). I hope this 70th chapter will meet your approval. I'm not completely happy with it myself but I hope it will do Richard and Elliot justice.**

...

 **70\. Poetic Justice**

 _Duty and responsibility were words that resonated with the young Marine. Elliot watched his son digest his words and as he looked at the younger version of himself, he suddenly remembered holding him. Very tight. Were they crying?_

 _You can hate me all you want._

 _You're my son._

 _You're my son._

 _Those words echoed in his mind and Elliot took a deep breath. Olivia put her hand on his knee, sensing that something was happening. Then Elliot repeated out loud the words that kept repeating in his head._

 _"You're my son."_

...

Olivia knew what was happening and she looked at Elizabeth. Father and son were staring at each other and Elizabeth was looking from one to the other. There was a lot of emotion in Elliot's face and Richard swallowed hard.

"Dad?" he said softly, and he suddenly seemed years younger.

Richard looked at his father expectantly. It was as if the young boy that had missed his father for years, was on the edge of his seat, hoping his dad would come walking through the door.

"Dickie," Elliot said, and for once, Richard didn't correct him.

He looked at Olivia in stead and asked her,

"Is he remembering something?"

Olivia just nodded, blinking away a few tears. She kept rubbing Elliot's knee, and felt his hand close over hers, holding it as if he needed her to find his bearings again.

"You were so angry with me," Elliot told his son.

"When?" Richard asked, scooting a little closer to his father.

Elliot made a helpless gesture with his free hand.

"You tell me. You ... you wanted me to do someting. To ... sign something maybe?"

Richard's face lit up and it dawned on Olivia as well what Elliot was referring to. She remembered that case during which Richard's best friend Shane had died. Both boys had wanted to join the army and Richard had tried to force Elliot to sign consent forms so he could enlist before turning eighteen. Olivia didn't know exactly what had transpired between father and son, but she did know Elliot had refused to sign the papers.

"I ... I wanted to join the army. You remember now? How?"

The younger Stabler was excited as well as confused, and Elizabeth, who knew her twin brother better than anyone, jumped up and squeezed next to him on the couch, making him scoot closer to their father in the process.

"I told you, he's getting more and more of his memory back," Elizabeth said, "and it's all because of Olivia. It started with her. You should thank her."

Richard looked at Olivia hesitantly, and then back at his father, the question whether his father was really remembering still in his eyes.

"Son ..." Elliot said, but Olivia could tell that Elliot's head was hurting badly. Apparently he wasn't done processing the new memories yet. She knelt down in front of him and took both his hands in hers. Elliot looked at her and leaned forward a little.

"Just relax," she whispered, bringing one hand up to his face and cupping his cheek. "It's alright. You remember Richard now, right? Or one memory of him."

Elliot hummed and closed his eyes, leaning into her touch.

"Just breathe through it. You know how it works."

Elliot took a few deep breaths, ignoring the pain his ribs were causing him, and tried to relax. Elizabeth and Richard watched in silence how their father's partner calmed him down, until he nodded slightly.

"Okay?" Olivia asked softly, and he answered her with an equally soft "okay".

When Elliot sat up and looked at his son again, his mind was clearer and his headache was subsiding. It was never really gone, not since he'd started remembering his life, but it was bearable to the point where he could focus again. And right now, the memory of him holding his son - his crying son - was very clear. And he started remembering the circumstances. Dickie, Richard - his son - had been devastated by the loss of his best friend but as his father, he'd just been angry with him for leaving the house and staying away all night. He'd been a very tough father for Richard.

 _Sign 'em! Make me wait till I'm 18, you'll never see me again!_

He could hear his boy yelling at him, but what he heard wasn't just anger. It was a deep pain and it was somehow strikingly familiar to him, as if it was something he'd felt himself. He looked at his son beside him on the couch and saw the faces of his twins, both hopeful and a little scared. He reached for his son and daughter, and they each grabbed one of his hands.

"I'm sorry," he choked out but Richard was already shaking his head.

"No. No dad," he was quick to say. "You were right. I didn't see it at the time but ... I know you just wanted to protect me because ..."

Both men pursed their lips and swallowed simultaneously and Elizabeth bit her lip. The three of them were so in sync that it was amazing to watch. Olivia couldn't help biting her lip as well when the older Stabler finally said out loud what they were all thinking.

"Because I loved you."

Richard let out a ragged breath and his sister rubbed his back while squeezing her father's hand.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for you when you did turn eighteen," Elliot said sadly.

He'd lost his memory by then, and Richard had indeed left home to join the armed forces.

"I was angry with you then," Richard admitted, "but not for the same reasons. I was just so mad that you didn't remember us."

"I wanted to, Dickie. You gotta believe that. I didn't block you out by choice."

Richard nodded, but his eyes flicked back to Olivia, who was sitting on the chair next to the couch again. They all knew what Richard was thinking. Why had Elliot remembered Olivia and not his own children? Elliot reached for Richard again and put a hand on his arm.

"Son ... the whole time I had amnesia, I had this drive inside me, telling me I needed to be somewhere. Only I didn't know where I was supposed to go. I was missing something ..."

He glanced at Olivia, who gave him a weak smile.

"Some _one_."

When Richard didn't say anything, Elliot continued.

"It couldn't be your guys or your mom, because you were with me. I felt like I was missing an important part of my life and then when I saw Liv at the hospital, something just clicked. Memories started coming back soon after that. We don't know if it's because of my concussion or because of Liv, or both. But by now, I'm sure that she was the one I was missing. We now think that I might even have been on my way to see her when I got mugged that night when I lost my memory."

Richard and Elizabeth spoke simultaneously when they responded,

"You were."

...

 _"Screw you Kathy. I never want to see your face again!"_

 _The twins had caught the very last bit of their parents' fight and froze. Their father stormed off then, heading in their direction. He was swearing under his breath and Richard heard him mutter,_

 _"I have to see Liv. Right now. God, I hope she can forgive me."_

 _"Dad!"_

 _"Get outta my way!"_

 _"Where are you going?"_

 _"Ask your mother! I'm done here!"_

 _It was the last time they saw their real father. The next time they saw him, he was only a shell of the man he used to be._

 _"Mom?" Elizabeth asked her mother hesitantly._

 _Kathy was standing there, frozen but shaking like a leaf. The twins stood next to her on either side of their mother, and wrapped their arms around her._

 _"Is he leaving you to be with Olivia?" Richard asked his mother._

 _Kathy didn't respond and when they looked at her, they saw tears streaming down her cheeks. It was all they needed to know._

...

Elliot sighed after hearing his kids' account of that night. It was the final confirmation that he had indeed been on his way to see Olivia. Why hadn't anyone bothered to tell him that? Before he could ask his children about it, Richard spoke again.

"I hated you then, dad. Mom had gone through so much trouble to organize that party for you. Eli was in tears that you'd left, because we hadn't sang happy birthday for you yet, and he'd practiced so hard. And you just took off to be with ... with another woman."

The young man glanced at Olivia again and Elliot reached for her hand.

"It's okay," Olivia whispered. She knew Richard had never liked her because he'd considered her a threat to his parents' marriage.

"And then when you lost your memory and forgot all about her," Richard continued, "I thought it was a weird kind of poetic justice. Liz too. So we never told you about Olivia."

The twins looked at her again, and Elizabeth said,

"I'm so sorry now Olivia. In the end, everyone just got hurt more. Including you."

Olivia gave both young adults a sad smile. She was trying to understand how loyal children were to their parents and she could only hope Noah would be that loyal to her too. Her son would always come first for her, no matter what - or who - happened. She understood so much better now why Elliot had kept fighting to keep his family together all those years, even though his marriage was failing. It was for the kids. It had always been for the kids.

Elliot shook his head and she looked at him more attentively. Another memory seemed to resurface.

"Dickie ... Richard. Did I ... did I ever tell you how proud I was of you? You ... that woman said you'd been a good influence on her son."

Richard's eyes widened a bit.

"That woman? You mean Shane's mom?"

"I guess."

Richard huffed and Elizabeth patted his back again.

"She never wanted to see me again after he died," Richard said, a challenge in his voice.

Elliot glanced at Olivia and she could tell his memories weren't complete yet, but he forged ahead anyway.

"Still. I know I was very proud of you back then, even if we were mostly angry with each other."

Richard looked down at his lap and blinked a few times.

"And I'm very proud of what you're doing with your life now, too. You're actually a Marine!"

His pride as well as his love for his son was audible in his voice and when Richard looked up, there were tears in his eyes. His sister was blinking away a few tears of her own and Olivia remembered how Kathleen had told her that all Richard wanted was for his father to be proud of him. Elliot held out his arm and both men had never looked more alike when Richard moved closer to his father until they could wrap one arm around each other. They were trying but failing to keep their tears at bay and clung to each other as best they could, sitting side by side on the couch.

"I missed you, dad," Richard choked out, and Elizabeth and Olivia let their own tears fall freely.

Elizabeth got up and walked over to Olivia to pull her into a sideways hug, which Olivia gladly reciprocated. She knew how much it would have meant to the 'old' Elliot to connect with his son this way and she was so relieved that Elliot was remembering bits and pieces of their past now, for both of them. She could hear the emotion in Elliot's voice when he told Richard softly,

"I love you, son."

And Elizabeth's shoulders shook when her brother said softly,

"Welcome back, dad."

...

 **Aaww.**

 **Richard took up more space than I had anticipated, but I feel he deserved it. So now we know that Elliot was really going to visit Olivia that night. Next up, the rest of the family comes over. Will more memories return?**


	71. The Right Time

**It's two days before Christmas in this story, so we're almost at the Christmas finale. You have one guess what Elliot is getting for Christmas :)) (Okay, two guesses ... I know how your minds work ...!) First, let's see what happens at the big family reunion.**

...

 **71\. The right time**

"I'm sorry Olivia."

Elizabeth had whispered very softly, but it was loud enough to have an impact on Olivia. Elizabeth's arms were still around her, and she patted the young woman's back.

"It's okay honey. I don't blame you or Richard."

She really didn't. She understood why the children had seen her as a threat to their parents' marriage. And when Elliot had confirmed their fear, storming out of his party to see her, it made sense that they would support their mother. They had only been eighteen at the time and probably didn't even remember what Elliot had been like before he joined the SVU or before he partnered up with her.

Elizabeth sat down next to Olivia and looked at her brother and father, who were just releasing each other. Richard smiled shyly and wiped his eyes, and Elliot did the same. Richard looked at Olivia then, and stood up, smoothing his hands down his pants.

"Olivia," he started hesitantly, and Olivia blinked a few times, looking up at the younger version of her former partner. He'd really gotten tall.

"I ehm, I know we never really got to know each other and ... I've always been wary of you because ... well, I guess I can understand why my dad liked to hang out with you but ..."

Richard's cheeks turned a little pink and Olivia realized that he wasn't exactly being hostile towards her. She stood up as well.

"Richard, it's okay," she started to say, but Richard held up his hands and shook his head.

"No ... I just need to say this. I guess I never really wanted to see that my parents weren't happy together, and it was so easy to blame you. I ... it wasn't fair. It's like Liz said earlier. Everyone just got hurt more, including you, and ... I'm very sorry."

Olivia wanted to step closer to Richard but Elliot's cast was in the way. They smiled at each other, looking down at Elliot's leg, and then both stepped closer to it, until they were face to face.

"It's alright Richard."

"No, it's not. And now you're the one who's bringing our father back to us. We ... we owe you."

Olivia reached for the young man and rubbed his upper arms.

"You don't, Richard. Neither of you," Olivia added, looking at Elizabeth. "You were just kids."

"Did you know about the letter?" they suddenly heard Elliot ask, and all three of them looked at him.

"What letter?" Richard and Elizabeth asked in unison.

Elliot smiled at Olivia.

"Never mind," he said.

He was right. Knowing the twins hadn't know about the letter was enough. Apparently, Maureen had been the only one of the kids all along who'd known about it. Olivia looked up at Richard again and smiled.

"You're always welcome here, Richard. Like your dad says these days, we need to live in the present. The past is just that: the past."

Richard swallowed hard and looked down at his feet - or rather the cast separating him from Olivia. Olivia pulled him in and they hugged over Elliot's leg, both breathing out slowly, finally able to relax in each others' company.

"Thank you," Richard said softly. "For everything."

When they broke apart, Elliot was wiping his cheeks furiously again, and grinned when he saw they'd caught him. He shrugged.

"No filter, remember?"

They all laughed out loud and Elizabeth, who had rounded the table, wrapped an arm around her brother's waist. Richard gave his twin a kiss on the forehead. Just then, Jessie and Noah came back into the room, probably wondering what the laughter was about. Jessie looked at her girlfriend and smiled a relieved smile. All was well now. Noah immediately became the center of attention again when he started babbling innocently, telling his mother how he and Jessie had played with his dinosaurs and his toy cars. The adults all smiled and listened to the little boy while processing what had just happened between all of them.

...

A new batch of Stabers arrived a little while later, and Noah crawled into Elliot's lap with his sippy cup while Olivia greeted everyone at the door. Elliot wrapped his right arm around Noah protectively. It had to look like an invasion to the little guy. Five more people. His other three kids and two sons-in-law. His family was huge compared to Noah's. But hopefully, this would become Noah's family too. He already loved the little boy as his own.

His eyes landed on Eli, who was peeking at him and Noah from behind Kathleen, who was currently introducing Terrence to Olivia.

 _As his own_. Just like Eli.

"Hey buddy," he called out to his youngest, ignoring the question gnawing at him whether or not Eli really was his son, and Eli finally approached him. Elliot realized that Eli was hesitant because of Noah, and he quickly moved Noah off his lap to greet his son.

"Come here Eli," he said, opening his arms for the eight-year old.

"Dad," Eli sighed. "I missed you. You getting better now?"

He hugged his father carefully, aware of his cast and probably of his other injuries as well. Elliot patted the space next to him, and asked Noah if Eli could sit with him.

"Noah? This is Eli. My son."

Noah was just staring at the boy next to him, and Elliot wondered if he should clarify. Then Eli asked him,

"Who's Noah dad?"

"Noah is Olivia's son. You know this is Olivia's place right?"

Eli nodded.

"Yeah. Mom told me. She's your friend from work."

"Right. Well, this is her son, so he lives her too."

"Oh. Hi," Eli said to Noah, who was still staring at him.

"Eewy play dino's?" Noah asked and Elliot smiled.

He hoped the two youngest in the group would hit it off, and when Eli asked him if he could go play with Noah, he nodded happily.

"Just go easy on him, okay buddy? He's getting a bit tired."

"Okay dad," Eli said and then said to Noah, "Let's go. Show me your dino's."

Olivia raised an eyebrow when she saw her son slip his little hand in Eli's and started tugging him along to his room. Her eyes found Elliot's and he winked at her.

"They'll be fine," he mouthed at her just when Maureen and Steve approached him.

"Mr Stabler, you look ... like hell, to be honest," Steve said, and Elliot chuckled.

"I've been better but it could have been much worse, so," he told his son-in-law with a slight shrug.

"It is what it is," Steve said, and Olivia could tell that the two men had had similar conversations before. It was nice to see Elliot interact with the younger man, who he was clearly very comfortable with.

"Daddy," Maureen said when she leaned over him to kiss his cheek, and father and daughter exchanged a look of understanding. They would still need to talk about things, but for now, Maureen's apology over the phone had been accepted, by Elliot as well as Olivia.

Next up were Kathleen and Terrence and once everyone had greeted each other and especially Richard, and they were finally seated and provided with coffee or tea, Olivia looked at Elliot. The room was filled with happy chatter but Elliot was quiet. He seemed to be studying all of his children's faces. He remembered Elizabeth in a way and he'd regained some very clear memories of Richard, but she hadn't heard him about the other children yet. She would have expected him to remember Kathleen first but so far, he hadn't, although he'd gotten very fond of the young woman he'd gotten to know over the past four years.

After everyone was all caught up on Richard's adventures in the military, they discussed Elizabeth and Jessie's new living arrangements. Everyone was glad that their little sister had come out and they welcomed Jessie into the family. Kathleen was the one, to no one's surprise, to broach another subject.

"Speaking of living arrangements. Dad, does this mean you're going to be shacking up with Olivia permanently?"

Everyone chuckled softly and Terrence nudged his girlfriend, but Kathleen just gave him a pointed look and then looked at her father again.

"It's not a strange question, is it? You practically gave your own place to Liz and Jess."

Elliot glanced at Olivia and she knew he felt a little awkward, since they hadn't really discussed anything yet. But Olivia was actually glad that she had the opportunity to talk to all the adult children at once, so everyone would know where she stood. If they had been in this situation four years ago, she wouldn't have felt an ounce of confidence to face the entire Stabler gang and admit that she was in love with their father. Things had been so different then and she'd felt so guilty of having those feelings for a married man.

Despite all the pain she'd suffered, those four years apart had also allowed her to grow out of that insecurity. She and Elliot had basically made a fresh start, and like Elizabeth had already said, when Elliot and Kathy's marriage did end, she wasn't in their lives so in the end, it wasn't something she felt guilty about. She was confident now and their lives had been un-complicated.

She smiled and looked around the group. They were all looking at her now because Elliot was looking at her.

"Guys. You know your father and I go back a long way and it was only logical that I'd take him in after the accident. We hadn't seen each other in four years as you know, but when we met again at the hospital, our old friendship was revived, as well as some other feelings. Feelings that we tried to deny and ignore for a long time, but that we don't need to deny anymore. You have to know that I have always had the greatest respect for your parents' marriage and that I never tried to interfere with it. Your father fought hard for your mom and you guys as well. But sometimes things don't go as planned, and we start to care about someone in a way that we can't really control."

Olivia paused to take a deep breath. So far so good. They were all listening and didn't seem to disagree with her.

"I love your father very much and we are going to stay in each others' lives this time. And I sincerely hope that you will all want to be part of our lives as well. I don't want to and will never try to replace your mother in any way, but I _am_ going to be the woman at your father's side from now on, and I'm contributing another child as well. My son, Noah."

She looked behind her.

"Who is currently playing with Eli in his room."

The Stablers nodded and hummed in agreement.

"So yes, as far as I'm concerned, Elliot can move in with us permanently if that is what he wants. We haven't actually discussed it," she admitted, smirking at Elliot.

Elliot simply held out his hands, palms up.

"She's already running my life. It's a done deal."

They all laughed and Olivia knew that everything was going to work out for them. This would never have worked four years ago, but now, it was the right time. She had cleared the air with Kathleen, Elizabeth and Richard, and she knew that Maureen was coming around already. Elliot's firstborn was sitting next to her father and exchanged a look with her husband Steve, who nodded at her.

Maureen stood up and told everyone that she would like to say something. Just then, Eli and Noah came back into the room, Noah with bright red cheeks. Olivia held out her arms and Noah climbed in her lap, snuggling against her chest. He was so tired. Eli looked around the group and walked over to his big brother, who hauled him in his lap.

"Okay, now that everyone is here, I'd like to say something," Maureen started. "Olivia, I ... I hardly know where to begin. I do know that I speak for all of us when I say we're grateful that you kept our dad alive all those years you two worked together."

"Hear hear," Kathleen said, and the others nodded.

"Also, I want to apologize for shutting you out after our dad retired and then lost his memory."

More nodding, and Elliot put a hand on Olivia's knee.

"If we had known you were the key to unlock his memory ..." Maureen sighed and shook her head. "We were so wrong about you and I can't apologize enough. We should have known that someone who had meant so much to dad, someone he'd missed so terribly, needed to be allowed to be there for him. I'm grateful that you are being so gracious about all of this and that you are taking such good care of our father. Again."

"Yeah, you're awesome Olivia," Kathleen added and the others added their own yeahs and thanks.

Olivia had told herself that she and Elliot were going for what they wanted now, regardless of what anyone thought of it, but it moved her deeply to get so much support from all Elliot's children. She pulled Noah closer to her and kissed the top of his head while trying to breathe through the enormous lump in her throat.

Elliot felt the same way and he wished he could wrap his arms around the entire group of people in the room. This was his family, Olivia and Noah included and although his memory was still fragmented, he felt so blessed. He was so filled with all kinds of emotions that it was almost overwhelming, after having felt completely empty for so long. He pushed himself up and set his cast down on the ground, and all eyes were on him instantly. Maureen, understanding that her father wanted to stand up, supported his arm and the others also started to stand up.

"What's up dad?" Richard asked his father, and Elliot locked eyes with his son.

His son, that he was now remembering. He looked around the group and sighed, at a loss for words.

"I think we need a group hug," Kathleen announced and Elliot smiled at his middle daughter. She really was a part of him.

Steve and Terrence grabbed the coffee table and moved it aside carefully and then they all huddled around the injured head of the family. Elliot pulled Olivia, who was still holding Noah in her arms, close to him. Eli and Noah didn't understand what was going on but joined in happily in the eleven-person hug that formed around them. Olivia closed her eyes and hid her face in the crook of Elliot's neck. This was the family that she had watched from the outside for so long and suddenly she was a part of it. She'd told herself it wouldn't matter what anyone said or thought of her and Elliot but this was so much better. This mattered, a lot. Family was everything and hers had just grown from two to eleven. It was the best Christmas gift she could ever have asked for, and she hand't even asked.

...

 **Almost there. Leave your thoughts in the review box?**


	72. Belonging

**I haven't changed the rating of the story yet, but do let me know if I should have for this chapter. Just thoughts and talk for now but that can be explicit too ...  
Another long chapter this time because I just couldn't find a good place to stop sooner. Hope you don't mind :)**

...

 **72\. Belonging**

Noah was finally asleep. He had cried after dinner, finally succumbing to all the impressions of the day and Olivia had taken her time alone with him, giving him a bath, singing to him and reading him an extra long story, until he finally nodded off. She stayed with him for a while, needing some time herself to digest all that had happened.

After the emotional group hug, they had decided that they would order Chinese food for everyone so they could all stay a while longer. Olivia had chatted with all the kids individually during the rest of the afternoon and early evening, and had gotten to know Steve and Terrence a little. Eli wasn't sure what to make of this family gathering in a stranger's home yet, but Elliot had assured her that he'd talk with his youngest alone soon. He asked her if Eli could stay over on weekends and holidays like he used to and Olivia had frowned at him for even asking. Of course Eli was welcome to stay with them. They hadn't talked about the paternity test with all the kids but Kathleen told her that Kathy had mentioned it to her. It was painful for Kathy but necessary for Elliot to be sure, and Kathleen understood.

Once they were all eating their dessert, Maureen once again had asked for everyone's attention.

 _"Okay everyone, there's one more thing."_

 _She had been sitting on the floor but got up to sit on the couch next to her father again._

 _"There is something that Steve and I need to show you. And I want to show it to you first, dad."_

 _Elliot sat up straight and wondered what his daughter was talking about. Maureen grabbed her purse from behind the couch and rummaged through it until she pulled out a small square piece of paper._

 _"What's that sis?" Elizabeth asked._

 _"Just look dad," Maureen said, handing the paper to Elliot._

 _Elliot's eyes widened and Olivia stood up to look a the paper as well._

 _"Maureen, that looks like ..."_

 _"An ultrasound," Olivia finished for him._

 _Maureen nodded and beamed at both of them._

 _"It is."_

 _"Oh."_

 _"You're going to be a granddad, daddy!"_

 _Elliot was stunned. He kept staring at the black and white blob on the paper and his free hand went to his forehead. Olivia put a hand on his shoulder._

 _"El?"_

 _"A baby?" Elliot choked out. "You're having a baby?"_

 _"Alright!" Richard said. "I'm gonna be an uncle."_

 _The others cheered as well and Jessie an Elizabeth rounded the couch to take a look at the ultrasound. They all started congratulating Maureen and Steve, but Elliot was still holding his forehead. Olivia rubbed his back gently, wondering which memory could be resurfacing this time._

 _"A baby ..." he repeated, and then added, "My first baby."_

 _He looked at Maureen, who was still beaming and accepting the congratulations from her siblings._

 _"My first baby."_

 _Maureen looked at him and all the happy chatter died down when they realized something was happening to their father._

 _"A memory, El?" Olivia asked him softly, hoping to prompt him to talk so his headache wouldn't get worse._

 _"Yeah. I remember ... holding my first baby. A beautiful little girl."_

 _Maureen covered her mouth with a hand and Steve squeezed her shoulders._

 _"You were such a beautiful little girl," Elliot said, reaching up to touch Maureen's cheek._

 _"Oh daddy," Maureen sighed._

 _She hugged him and Elliot held his firstborn, not really remembering how she'd grown up but remembering having her. It was enough to make him feel connected to her. And now she was giving him a grandchild. Father and daughter both shed a few tears and Olivia retreated into the kitchen to cry a little alone. It was such an emotional day and she wasn't sure how much more she could take in just a few hours._

...

She smiled, watching her sleeping son. Soon, he wouldn't be the youngest in the family anymore. He was growing up so fast as it was, and she could only hope he'd adjust to having this big extended family soon. Steve and Maureen would go back home after the holidays and Richard would go back to the aircraft carrier where he worked, but the others would be around regularly. Noah had hit it off with Eli, so she didn't expect any trouble there. Eli would be like a big brother to her son.

Elliot had already gone to bed. He was exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and Olivia was going to join him soon. She closed Noah's door softly and padded to the master bedroom, where Elliot was already sleeping soundly. She decided to take a shower before turning in as well, and let her mind wander while enjoying the hot spray on her skin.

Her ordeal with Lewis had come up eventually that evening and Elliot had asked Kathleen and Elizabeth about it. What had their thoughts been when they heard about Olivia on the news? Hadn't they wondered about her, or thought about telling him about her then? Maureen and Richard had already left New York by then but not them. Elizabeth had only heard about it afterwards and didn't really have much contact with her parents at the time. Kathleen had asked Kathy about it, and Kathy had told her she'd talked to Elliot already, and it hadn't sparked any memories for him.

"Talked to me?" Elliot had huffed. "It was more like a mention between checking Eli's bag and waving him goodbye when I came over to pick Eli up for the weekend."

"I didn't know that, dad," Kathleen said and he had smiled at her reassuringly.

There was no way to know if reading about her, seeing her picture in the paper or on TV, would have sparked his memory at the time. And it was done now. Even if Elliot had suddenly remembered her, the damage Lewis had done couldn't have been undone. He would have been too late either way. Olivia looked down at her body and moved her sponge over her scars like she often did in the shower. They were on her breasts and abdomen and further down. The lowest one ran across her pelvic bone diagonally and had all but missed her most sensitive area, but only because she'd managed to squeeze her thighs together in time. She still remembered how Lewis had shoved the glowing coat hanger down her panties and she took a deep breath. She turned the faucet so the water would cool off and take away the imaginary burning on her skin. Her scars had faded a little over time and weren't as pronounced as they used to be, but her body would never be the same. The skin most likely wouldn't heal any further and she would carry the physical evidence of what Lewis had done to her with her for the rest of her life. She was dealing with that, but it would be new to let someone else actually see them.

She had eventually been able to have sex with Brian again but she'd preferred to keep either the lights off or her top on. She was certain he'd seen some of her scars in passing but they had never talked about them. They had never talked about any of what had happened to her. That wasn't Brian's fault. He'd reached out, time and time again. It had been her choice to keep it all inside. And after Brian, there had been no one. There were things only Dr. Lindstrom knew, and other things that no one knew except Lewis. Only he was dead. She still needed to remind herself of that regularly because he usually seemed alive and well in her dreams.

Somehow, Olivia knew it would be different with Elliot. He'd already seen her breasts and she'd even flashed him once to tease him when he had tried to arouse her with sexy talk. She wasn't going to let him touch her all the time while she couldn't return the favor, but their slow tease was frustrating for both of them. They had waited long enough and still couldn't be together the way they wanted to. Elliot was trying to reduce his pain medication a little and when Olivia walked into the bedroom with just a fluffy towel wrapped around her body, she wondered what they would be like. She'd wondered about it over the years, but it was different now. They were actually together but forced to go slow and it made her all the more aware of every little detail when they touched and kissed. As a result, she had begun wondering about details.

What would it feel like to have him on top of her? Or underneath her? Inside her? Taking her from behind? Kissing the most erogenous parts of her body? Would he find all of them, or even discover new ones? She was amazingly sensitive to his touch, that much she'd found out over the past week. He'd already found a sweet spot behind her left ear while she had made him moan loudly when she'd sucked on the skin just above his collar bone. His hands were always warm and when he caressed her butt over her panties it almost felt like he was touching her skin. She wasn't bothering with pajama pants anymore and loved to wake up with her bare leg between his. Elliot still slept on his back mostly but he'd fallen asleep on his side once and she'd made the most of it, turning around carefully in his arms until he was spooning her. Feeling his breath in her hair was somehow so intimate that it had moved her. It wasn't just about sex. It was about belonging. Truly belonging, and knowing you are with the person you were meant to be with all along.

Olivia put on panties and a long t-shirt and crawled into bed carefully. Elliot needed to rest. He was getting better already and moving around on his own more, but he still had a long way to go. Olivia counted the days in her head. The accident had only been fifteen days ago. It would be at least a few more weeks before he'd be cleared for more activities. The holidays would be quiet this year. It would be just the three of them and they were staying in. She didn't mind. Not at all. Because she would be with the two people who meant the most to her in the world.

She snuggled up to Elliot, who stirred in his sleep. She heard him mumble 'Love you Liv' and it warmed her heart. When he turned his head to the right, where she was, she kissed his lips softly, and she smiled when he kissed her back before drifting off to sleep again. He had the softest lips and each time she got close to him, she had to fight the urge to touch them with her fingers. She didn't fight it this time and let her fingers skim his full lower lip. He had managed to shave earlier in the day and she traced his strong jawline with her finger. When Elliot's head dropped to the left, she kissed the soft skin of his neck that was now exposed to her and moved her body closer to his until she felt his hip connect with her body in a place where she would love to connect with him some more. She breathed out slowly, trying not to grind into him. Well, not too much.

He'd made her come once so far and her body was aching for more. But she didn't just want to be pleasured. She wanted it all with Elliot, now that they were finally allowed. Her hand moved across his broad chest underneath the covers and she told herself she should stop feeling him up. She closed her eyes. He smelled good. Very much like himself. When Elliot shifted in bed she had to suppress a moan. She'd let her right leg slip between his and her sensitive core was pressed up against his hip now. If they only could. She'd wondered about his size and was pretty sure it would match his ego. She could feel her body react to just the thought of actually having him inside her. This was so frustrating. Her hand drifted lower until her fingers grazed the waistband of his boxer short.

Elliot stirred again when she moved her hand even lower, until it was resting on his crotch. His body was completely relaxed of course but she could still imagine what would happen once he wasn't so relaxed. She wanted to squeeze him but almost wanted to yank her hand away when she felt him twitch under her touch. She looked up at his face and saw a small smile playing on his lips. His eyes were still closed but he was definitely aware of her. And so she didn't pull away and squeezed gently. His smile widened and she detected more movement under her hand. It looked like the pain killers weren't killing the rest of him completely anymore.

"Liv," Elliot said with a low, raspy voice.

"Sorry," she whispered, pulling her hand away.

But Elliot reached for her hand and pulled it back until it was where it had been seconds earlier. He squeezed himself using her hand, and groaned softly.

"You should sleep," Olivia whispered.

"You should have thought of that before you started feeling me up," he replied without missing a beat.

 _Touché_.

Olivia sighed and kissed his shoulder, but didn't pull her hand away. He wasn't as soft as before ...

...

It had been a long time since he'd woken up feeling butterflies in the pit of his stomach, but it was unmistakable. His lower half was coming alive. He'd kept his eyes closed while trying to figure out what was going on but hadn't been able to suppress a smile when he realized what Olivia was doing. He managed to keep his breathing steady, feigning being asleep for just a little longer to see how far she'd go.

He wondered what they would be like. He'd wondered about it over the years, but it was different now. They had been apart for so long, and their circumstances were so different now, that it was truly like starting over. He'd always admired her beauty. She was a strong cop but he hadn't been blind to her perfect body and her beautiful face. He could get lost in her eyes and now that they were together at last, they were forced to go slow. It was alright though. He wanted to do things right with Olivia, and not rush her. He knew she'd become more self-conscious about her body because of her scars and just seeing how certain she was of their future now, was worth millions. They'd get there. Soon.

Still, he wondered. He'd already felt her body. He hadn't missed the scars and he was angry at the man who had caused them, but she had responded to him in a way that made him lightheaded and yearning for more. Her scars hadn't taken away her sensitivity to being touched intimately and he still remembered how she'd moaned softly when he touched her. It wasn't about the perfect body; it was about the perfect love.

He did want to love her body though. To make her his completely, like he would be hers. Just thinking about how it had felt to touch her so intimately made his body respond despite his medication and the pain he still felt all the time. And now her hand was on him. He couldn't hide the fact that he was awake anymore. His body had given him away. But her hand was still on his body ...

"I can't help wondering," she admitted softly and her shyness made the urge to make love to her even stronger.

"I know what you mean."

"But we can't. Not yet."

"No. I want to do this right Liv. I think we deserve it, don't you?" Elliot asked her.

She moved her hand up at last, rubbing his belly gently.

"We do."

"I'm going to ask Greg about those four to six weeks he mentioned."

He heard Olivia chuckle softly.

"I'm serious Liv. I've looked it up on the internet, and it says that it's a matter of testing the waters, so to speak. We just have to avoid certain positions at first."

Olivia propped herself up on one elbow and looked at him with wide eyes.

"What?" he asked her innocently. "The internet is a great source of information you know. And the risk of damage is much lower for men than for women who've had hip surgery."

Olivia bit her lip and said, "I just can't believe you're talking about sex and positions and ..."

She blew out a breath and shook her head. Elliot grinned. He remembered how bottled-up they used to be around each other. Not anymore. Shedding his filters while he had full amnesia was the best thing that could have happened to him.

"Baby, I'm not going to let you get away from me again so we're going to have sex eventually, in positions," he said with a wide grin.

Olivia dropped her head to his shoulder and sighed, but smiled.

"You're right. I'm just ... not used to talking about it."

"You just did it."

He wasn't particularly interested in all her sexual adventures with other men, but now seemed to be as good a time as any to have this conversation. He'd slept for over an hour and felt focused enough to talk.

"I guess," Olivia mumbled.

She lifted her head then to look at him, and suddenly asked him,

"El, did you date after your divorce?"

...

 **So I finally found a nice place to stop. Is this still T rated? Leave a review? More soon.**


	73. Results

**Apologies again for the delay. This chapter contains important news. For maximum effect, don't look at the last line before you've reached the end!**

...

 **73\. Results**

 _She lifted her head then to look at him, and suddenly asked him,_

 _"El, did you date after your divorce?"_

...

Elliot looked at her, wondering why she'd asked the question. Was it simple curiosity or was there more to it?

"I did," he answered truthfully.

"Oh."

Olivia lay back down, resting her head on his shoulder again. He waited, knowing there would be more.

"Did you sleep with anyone?"

"I did," he said again.

Olivia was silent for a few moments, and then told him,

"I was just thinking."

"About what?"

She lifted her head again and he could see some amusement in her eyes.

"Well, since you forgot everything from before and you hardly slept with Kathy after getting amnesia ... I just wondered, if you hadn't been with anyone else, if you remembered how to have sex at all."

She smirked and he was glad she was in a more playful mood that he'd thought. He chuckled and reached up to caress her cheek with his right hand.

"Well, I did try to have a new relationship and I can tell you I discovered one very important thing."

"And what's that El?"

"I like sex. A lot."

Olivia bit her lip and he decided to push her a little more.

"And I'm pretty good at it too."

"El!"

She swatted his chest and he laughed out loud, despite his painful ribs.

"Well, if you don't believe me, just try me," he challenged her.

Olivia dropped her eyes and he could see the hesitation. She didn't want to jump the gun and do more damage than good to his hip, and he understood.

Elliot decided to tell her a little bit more about his dating adventure, hopefully to ease her mind about it.

"Liv, remember I told you I was constantly looking for something?"

When she didn't say anything, he continued.

"After my divorce, I started looking elsewhere, wondering if I was looking for another relationship."

Olivia caressed his chest and he took a deep breath. He was becoming more sensitive to her touch and couldn't wait to be off his pain medication completely.

"And?" Olivia asked softly.

"So I dated. A few of them took me home or went home with me after a few dates. One even wanted to after the first date, but that was too fast for me."

"You turned her down?"

"Elegantly, I assure you. Saw her at the same bar the next night with a fresh date so no harm done there."

"And did you get anything out of it? Dating, I mean?" Olivia asked.

Elliot pulled her a little closer and kissed her forehead.

"Aside from some very interesting new skills, you mean?" he joked, but after Olivia lifted her head and glared at him, he answered her more seriously. "No. I didn't find what was missing from my life. So I stopped dating after a while. It makes sense now."

"What does?"

"That I didn't find what I was missing."

She smiled at he wished he could just roll them over and kiss her with all the love and passion he felt building inside him. She knew what he meant, but he wanted to say it out loud anyway.

"Because it was _you_ I was missing. No one else would ever do."

When he put a hand on her cheek, Olivia moved with him and kissed him softly on the lips.

"I want you Liv," he mumbled against her lips. "As soon as I'm able in any way."

"I know," Olivia whispered, closing her eyes. "But that's not tonight."

He knew she was right. Physically, he was still unable to perform, so to speak. But he was going to do everything in his power to change that. He was willing to bear more pain if he had to.

...

They had kissed some more and had eventually fallen asleep. Olivia had gotten up the next morning as soon as she heard Noah babbling in his room, so Elliot could get some more rest. He was healing well, but he needed all the rest he could get. She wanted to take Noah with her to go grocery shopping for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day dinner, and decided to leave a note on the breakfast bar. Noah played along perfectly, enjoying their little spy game, and ate his breakfast quietly. They were out the door by nine thirty and Olivia enjoyed the one-on-one time with her son. It had been an incredibly busy day for her little boy the day before, but he was holding up so well. He had even tried to remember several of their visitors' names. Jessie was his favorite, and that didn't surprise her. And he mentioned Eli a lot.

"You like to play with Eli, Noah?" she asked him while they cruised through the supermarket, Noah in the built-in seat of her cart.

Her son nodded enthusiastically.

"Eewy wove dino's too!"

"That's great Noah."

They'd need an extra bed for Eli, she thought, but at least the theme of the bedroom wouldn't be a problem for the eight-year old.

After getting all their groceries, and lots of extra snacks that Noah begged her to buy for him, they headed back home. Just when they arrived at the front entrance, her regular postman arrived with a letter that required a signature. Olivia opened the door and let the man in, asking him which floor he was headed to.

"Ehm, I'm told a Stabler is staying here," he said, pulling the letter out of his bag to check the exact address again.

"Oh, it's for Elliot Stabler?" Olivia asked, suddenly very curious about the contents of the letter. "He's staying with us."

"Ewwie Ot Noah big friend," Noah stated with a wide grin, making the postman smile.

"Is that so, little man. In that case, this letter is for your big friend."

They all went up together, and Olivia felt her heart rate go up a bit. She'd seen the hospital logo on the envelope and it could only mean one thing. The envelope contained the results of Eli's paternity test. She was sure she was almost as nervous about the results as Elliot was. She opened the door to her apartment quickly and asked the postman to wait while she checked if Elliot was awake and decent.

"He was in an accident and he's resting," she explained.

It was fine with the postman, who waited just inside the apartment patiently.

Elliot was already sitting up, moving his legs out of bed carefully. He'd heard them all come in and Olivia asked if the postman could come into the bedroom, so he didn't have to rush getting up. But Elliot would have none of it. Olivia rolled her eyes and helped him get up despite his objections. He was still as stubborn as she remembered him. Elliot used one crutch and made his way into the living room in just his boxers and t-shirt. He looked good no matter what he wore and she suspected he knew this. Even though he'd been out of commission for over two weeks, he was still in very good shape. The doctors at the hospital as well as Greg had even confirmed that his good condition would definitely help him heal faster.

Elliot signed for the letter and then sat down carefully on the couch while Olivia thanked the postman and saw him out. Noah was in the kitchen, trying to climb up on the counter to get himself something to drink, and Olivia rushed over to help him. She glanced at Elliot, who was still staring at the closed envelope. After giving Noah his sippy cup and promising him a cookie as soon as he'd finished drinking, Olivia walked over to Elliot and sat down beside him.

Elliot sighed. This was it. The moment of truth. Olivia remembered holding little Eli immediately after he'd been born in the ambulance. Kathy had gone into cardiac arrest, and for a moment she had feared that the little baby in her arms would never know his mother. She looked at her own son and pursed her lips. She'd been ready then to be a mother figure for Eli and had held him close, whispering to him that everything would be alright. All kinds of thoughts had flashed through her mind in those moments of despair. She had been immensely relieved that they had managed to get Kathy's heart beating again but deep down, she'd also felt a sense of loss as soon as she'd handed the little boy off to a nurse at the hospital. He wasn't hers but she'd loved him instantly, like she had fallen in love with little Noah the first time she laid eyes on him. She couldn't bear the thought that Eli might not be Elliot's son at all. It would break his heart.

...

Elliot was still staring at the envelope, fearing what was inside. Once he'd open it, there was no going back. No pretending that he had no doubts, no assuming Eli just _had_ to be his son. He'd know for certain once and for all if he was, or if he wasn't. He wasn't ready.

He felt Olivia's hand on his shoulder and looked at her. She understood why he was so hesitant to open the envelope. He didn't need to say it, and the familiarity of their silent understanding moved him, and in the end, gave him the courage to rip the envelope open. No matter what, Olivia would still be here for him. They could do this together.

His hands were shaking when he pulled the single sheet of paper out of the envelope and unfolded it. His eyes scanned the paper, needing to find something familiar as quickly as possible. He didn't know a lot of the medical terms involved, but then his eyes landed on one word that jumped out. That one word that made him break down the instant the meaning of it hit him. His shoulders started shaking and Olivia leaned against him to see the test results too. He heard her gasp just before he let out a strangled sob. There it was, in writing. The result of the paternity test.

Positive.

...

 **Dun dun!  
Hope this was worth the wait. Best Christmas gift for Elliot ever!**


	74. Mommy's got you

**I know some of you don't believe Eli is Elliot's but I needed him to be his in this story. Now let's continue.**

...

 **74\. Mommy's got you**

Elliot cried from sheer relief. While knowing he would have loved Eli regardless of blood ties, something broke inside him when he read the confirmation that Eli was indeed his biological son. They hadn't lived a lie where his boy was concerned and he hadn't know how much the results meant to him until now. If Kathy had lied about this child, even more years would have been stolen from him and Olivia, and the one person that had continued to love him unconditionally - aside from Bernie maybe - would have been ripped from his hands. Another father would have come into play. But now, he would finally be able to look at the future with Olivia, and not look back anymore. He sobbed softly, leaning sideways against Olivia, whose arms weres wrapped firmly around his shoulders. His body was hurting but he didn't care. He just needed to let his emotions out, that he hadn't even know he had bottled up ever since he had started remembering things. And even before that.

Before that.

The thought suddenly hit him that he'd bottled this up before ...

Elliot wiped his nose and lifted his head to look at Olivia. A thought hit him, and then another one. Memories. His head was hurting but he kept staring into Olivia's brown eyes, as if he could read in them what he needed to understand.

"An accident," he said, his voice still shaky from crying. "There was an accident."

Noah was walking up to them, a worried look on his face, and Olivia reached for her son, pulling him between her knees. Then, she looked at Elliot again.

"Which accident do you mean?" she asked him softly while rubbing Noah's back.

"With Eli. When ... when Eli was born ..."

Elliot closed his eyes, willing himself to make sense of the fragmented memories that were flashing before his eyes.

"Ewwie Ot no cry," Noah said with a sad voice and he opened his eyes, knowing he should reassure the little boy.

But he could only think of another little boy right now. And a father who had just found out his son wasn't his son at all. He glanced at Olivia, hoping she would deal with Noah because he couldn't right now.

Seeing his helplessness, Olivia turned towards her son and spoke softly with him, telling him that Elliot was crying happy tears and that he was okay. Noah didn't seem convinced, not used to combining tears with happiness, but he did accept his mother's comfort.

"There was this man," Elliot said, leaning his head in his hands. "I was with him ... so far away when ... it happened."

Olivia realized that Elliot was remembering parts of the day of Eli's birth and she was torn between needing to help Elliot make sense of the memories and making sure Noah wouldn't get upset. Her son was watching Elliot intently and she knew he had to be confused. Much to her surprise, Noah suddenly moved away from her and stood in front of Elliot, placing his little hand on Elliot's knee.

"'s Okay Ewwie," Noah said in a soothing tone and Olivia smiled despite her own concern for Elliot.

Elliot looked up at the little boy in front of him and couldn't help smiling too. Noah was pulling him back to the present. He placed his hand over Noah's on his knee.

"Thank you Noah," he said softly.

"Ewwie Ot okay. Mommy's got you," Noah said confidently and Olivia heard her own words repeated back to them by her son. Mommy's got you.

She swallowed a fresh lump in her throat. She didn't know if Noah really knew the meaning of the words, but to him, they were the ultimate reassurance. Mommy's got you. And he was right. He couldn't have been more right under the circumstances and Elliot knew it too.

"I know, little man. Your mommy's got me."

He looked up at Olivia and smiled, despite fresh tears welling up in his eyes.

"Mommy's got both of us."

Olivia moved her hand from his back to his neck to help him relax. She rubbed his neck gently while asking him,

"Do you need help making sense of these new memories?"

"Please," he said, sitting up a little straighter.

He looked at Noah and smiled at him again.

"Noah cookie?" the child suddenly asked them happily, holding up his empty sippy cup.

Olivia chuckled and got up to get her son the cookie she'd promised him. Elliot took a deep breath and tried to relax. Olivia would help him reconstruct the memories he was having of the day Eli was born, and his headache subsided a little at this reassuring thought. Mommy's got you. She did indeed, and he should thank her properly as soon as he was able.

...

"You were all in that car crash!"

Elliot was horrified.

"And you saved them."

Olivia nodded. She had described the day to Elliot as best she could and he had listened patiently until she told him what had happened at the hospital, and that Eli had come out completely unscathed, and Kathy with just minor injuries. She smiled when the shock in his eyes was replaced by admiration and gratitude.

"Anyone would have done what I did," she deflected.

Elliot shook his head.

"But you did it. Thank you, Liv."

"You're welcome," she said softly, for once just accepting his gratitude.

She truly felt that she had only done what anyone would have done, but the truth was, she would have gone to the ends of the earth and back for him then. She still would. It still amazed her how far they had finally come in such a short period of time, after keeping their distance for years and years.

"I remember holding you at the hospital. That makes sense now," Elliot said.

It had been the first time he'd ever hugged her and it had shaken her deeply. As always, she had quickly shaken off all the feelings that had bubbled to the surface, but those few seconds she'd been in his arms, she'd closed her eyes and had allowed herself to really feel him. Just this once. To revel in his warmth, the feeling of his arms around her and his cheek brushing hers. She knew it wouldn't last and she'd felt happy and sad simultaneously. On top of that, the events of the day had begun to catch up with her. But she wouldn't let him see her cry so she'd blinked away the beginnings of tears and had asked him if he and Kathy had picked a name yet for the new baby.

She blinked again when she felt Elliot's hand on her back and she looked at him, slowly leaving the sadness behind her that she'd felt at the hospital over eight years ago.

"I wanted to say so much to you then Liv," he told her softly. "I just hoped that holding you would tell you all that I couldn't say out loud at the time."

Olivia pursed her lips and nodded. She hadn't dared to assume that that one hug had been as meaningful for him as it had been for her, but she had felt something pass between them. It had almost felt like a goodbye. Goodbye to any future they might have envisioned for the two of them, that wasn't going to happen now. Not with the new baby. Elliot _had_ to be there for his family. He didn't have a choice. He didn't have it in him to walk away from this new responsibility. It was just a huge relief to know now that Eli had indeed been his responsibility.

"I understand," she replied softly. "And I understood then."

Elliot pulled her closer to him on the couch and she moved into his arm willingly. Noah was playing happily with his toys somewhere behind the couch so she allowed herself to let her guard down for a minute.

"I never wanted to let you go then," Elliot said softly near her ear and Olivia wrapped her arms around him.

Elliot's movements were limited but she enjoyed having one of his arms around her.

"I'm never letting you go again," he added before kissing her temple.

Olivia lifted her head and smiled at him.

"Neither am I."

Elliot tilted his head and kissed her softly. Too softly, she thought, and Olivia turned a little further into him to deepen the kiss. She wanted to forget how much she'd wanted him when she couldn't have him. He was here now, and he was hers. His headache was all but gone and he was relaxed now, happy that he remembered more of his youngest son and Olivia just needed to feel close to him. She knew she couldn't get as close as she wanted to, but it was difficult to keep her distance sometimes. Remembering that hug at the hospital had only made her long for him more. When Elliot groaned she wasn't sure if it was excitement or pain and if she was completely honest with herself, she didn't care. She just needed him and decided to climb into his lap, straddling him. Elliot grinned and she guessed it had been excitement and not pain that had caused him to groan. They had been here before.

"Changing your mind?" he asked her and she was tempted to say that yes, she had changed her mind about testing the waters, as Elliot had called it.

He was willing to see how much his body could take and when he moved his hands from her back to her chest, she wanted to say yes. He cupped her breasts through her clothes and Olivia closed her eyes, throwing her head back. She moaned softly when Elliot moved one hand down to her butt and pulled her into him. He wasn't going to make it easy for her to say no.

"C'mon baby," Elliot said softly, squeezing her softly in two places, making her bite her lip so hard that she almost drew blood.

They heard a chuckle coming from behind the couch and Olivia's eyes flew open.

"Mommy no baby!"

Noah's happy voice made them both snap out of their daze and Olivia wanted to climb off of Elliot, but he stopped her. Noah was still sitting on the floor behind the couch and couldn't see them, but Olivia knew they couldn't take things further while he was so close to them. She moved her mouth close to Elliot's ear and whispered,

"Not now El. And not here."

"So when, and where?" he asked her immediately and she dropped her forehead to his shoulder.

"Later," she whispered.

It wasn't much of an answer but it would have to do. She climbed out of his lap and this time, he let her go. His frustrated sigh resonated with her. She felt the same way.

...

 **Please don't hate me. I'm not dragging things out on purpose. I just need Elliot to remember a few more things, and this was Eli's turn. Also, I needed to revisit that hug! Review? Thanks!**


	75. Christmas Reunion

**75\. Christmas Reunion**

It had been a wonderful Christmas morning. Noah was overjoyed with all the presents Santa had left for him under the tree. He'd been so excited all night long, that they ended up letting him sleep between them in the big bed, putting any nightly plans they might have had on hold once more. They found an extra present under the tree too, for Olivia. And no matter how hard Olivia tried, she couldn't get Elliot to divulge how it had gotten into the apartment. It was beautiful though and she couldn't refuse it.

"For as long as I've known you, you've always worn these big, chunky man watches," Elliot explained. "I feel you finally deserve something more charming on your wrist, just to accentuate how truly charming you are."

Olivia was very flattered but raised an eyebrow at his last comment, prompting Elliot to add immediately,

"Or how charming you _can_ be. If you want to be."

Olivia grinned, deciding not to push any further. It was a sweet gesture and a sweet thought, and she had to admit she loved the watch. It really was very elegant but not too flashy, with a refined silver-colored case and a simple black leather band. It was perfect.

"Thank you Santa," Olivia said softly, and when Elliot pouted his lips, she stood up from where she had been sitting with Noah in front of the tree and the pile of presents, and gave him a sweet kiss on the lips.

"Thank you Santa," Noah repeated happily, and when he saw his mother sit down on the couch next to Elliot, he climbed in her lap with his newest dinosaur in one hand and an action figure from Ice Age in the other.

"See dino movie now?" he asked hopefully.

One of his presents was the DVD Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs and naturally, Noah couldn't wait to see it.

"Honey, we haven't even had breakfast yet," Olivia objected, and they agreed that they would eat first and then Olivia would make them coffee and hot cocoa and _then_ they'd put the movie in the DVD player.

They all watched the movie together, or at least the first part of it, because half way through, Olivia saw Elliot nodding off. He was trying to use less pain medication, but he was still tired of being in pain and of the medication he was still on. Noah was completely engrossed in the movie but thought the big momma dino was a little scary too, so he climbed on the couch to sit between them. Olivia smiled and wrapped her arm around him, letting him snuggle up to her so he could watch the big dino from the safest place on earth. She glanced at Elliot, wondering if he was comfortable, slouched in one corner of the couch with his cast resting on a stool. But he was asleep and that was always good.

After the movie, Olivia asked Noah to help her with preparations for their Christmas dinner and to bake cookies. They baked cookies together and sampled a few of course. It wasn't exactly a nutritious lunch but it was alright for once. Elliot woke up after a while and he made himself a sandwich while watching her and Noah work.

"If I can help in any way ..." he started, but before Olivia could object, Noah piped up.

"No Ewwie Ot. Noah cooking."

Noah was actually making a mess but he was happy as long as he thought he was helping. Stirring yet another batch of cookie dough kept him busy for a while, and Olivia turned to face Elliot, who was leaning against the kitchen counter.

"He staying up all afternoon?" Elliot asked her softly, wiggling his eyebrows when she squinted at him, wondering what he meant.

Olivia bit her lip when she realized he was hoping for some alone time with her, and glanced at Noah. His cheeks were beginning to turn red but she doubted he'd be able to sleep at all on Christmas day. He was high on sugar as it was, and she'd promised him they'd watch a Disney Christmas movie with Mickey Mouse that would be on TV later on. Olivia had finished making a salad for dinner and the chicken was marinating in the fridge. It was only 2.30 PM so it was too early to start cooking dinner already.

"I could try to persuade him to take a nap after this batch of cookies," she said softly, and when Elliot reached for her, she moved into his arms willingly.

"What if he doesn't fall asleep?" Elliot mumbled against her temple, and Olivia felt goosebumps break out in her neck and on her back.

"Why all the questions?" she asked him as innocently as she could manage, her lips brushing his cheek while she spoke.

Elliot groaned softly and Olivia tried unsuccessfully to suppress a smile.

"You know why," he growled just before catching her lower lip between his lips.

Olivia moaned softly and kissed him back, hoping Noah wouldn't break or spill something while her back was turned.

"I want you to see Greg first," she managed to say in between kisses and Elliot hung his head.

"My next checkup isn't for another four days Liv," he said and she could swear he was pouting a little.

"Okay, then this is all you're gonna get for another four days," Olivia said, trying to sound casual but unable to hide her amusement.

She kissed him again and Elliot decided to make the most of what he _could_ get, deepening the kiss immediately. Olivia couldn't ignore the effect he was having on her body and moaned again, enjoying being in the arms of her friend, her partner and the love of her life. She didn't want this moment to end, but she knew it would have to. Noah's tiny voice piped up as if on cue, like he so often did.

"Mommy kiss Noah daddy."

They broke off the kiss and looked at the little boy with his hands still in the bowl of cookie dough. Elliot's eyes had gone a little wide and Olivia bit her lip. Noah had never mentioned a daddy again after that first time at the hospital and they hadn't wanted to put any pressure on him, but now he'd just said it so casually. He wasn't even looking at them anymore, he was just studying the dough coming out of his fist between his fingers as he squeezed it.

"What did you say, my sweet boy?" Olivia asked after a beat, turning away from Elliot and approaching her son at the breakfast bar.

"Mommy kiss Noah daddy," Noah repeated, completely unfazed.

Then, by way of clarification, he pointed his dough-filled finger at Elliot.

"Ewwie Ot Noah daddy?"

Olivia was at a loss for words, not sure what to tell her son right now. Elliot wobbled over to the breakfast bar as well and leaned on it with his elbows, bringing his face level with Noah's.

"You can call me daddy, little man."

"Okay daddy," Noah answered with a huge smile on his face and Olivia choked up instantly. "Mommies and daddies kiss."

"That's right," Elliot said, standing upright again and looking at her. "Mommies and daddies kiss."

Elliot planted a chaste kiss on her lips and Olivia was swooning. _Daddy_. Her son had just called Elliot daddy. For real. She couldn't stop grinning and quickly wiped her eyes before tears could show themselves. This was the best Christmas she'd ever had by far, despite Elliot's injuries. She was with the two people who meant the world to her, and they were all she needed.

And then the buzzer rang.

"Who could that be on Christmas day?" she wondered out loud.

"Jessie?" Noah asked hopefully, and Olivia smiled.

Noah suddenly had a whole bunch of people to choose from, who might drop by unexpectedly. She pushed the button of the intercom and asked,

"Yes, who is it?"

"Olivia, it's John. Can I come up?"

Olivia turned around and looked at Elliot.

"It's John!" she sighed happily.

She really missed her dear friend at work and outside of work and she quickly buzzed him up. She opened the door of the apartment to wait for him, and was surprised to hear multiple voices as apparently a group of people walked up the stairs to her floor. She gasped and put a hand over her mouth when she saw who were coming down the hallway. They had _all_ come! John Munch, Fin Tutuola, Donald Cragen, George Huang and behind them, a slightly insecure look on her face, Alex Cabot. Olivia didn't know what to say and just stood there, her hand still over her mouth until John reached her and held out his arms.

Olivia hugged the older man and held him tight, trying to come to terms with the fact that everyone from their old squad was here.

Elliot came up behind her, using one crutch and was shocked to see everyone. He recognized most of them from their visits to the hospital, except the blonde. But seeing them all together seemed ... familiar. Olivia was hugging all of them one by one and Elliot locked eyes with Donald Cragen. He knew the man and he used him as an anchor while digesting the familiarity of this unexpected gathering. Cragen put a hand on his shoulder and asked him,

"How are you doing son?"

Just then, Noah popped up next to Elliot and clutched his right leg when he saw all the people with his mom in the hallway. His small voice was heard over all the adult chatter when he asked Elliot,

"Who that, daddy?"

...

 **Couldn't resist some more Noah cuteness, although he seems to get in the way sometimes - heheheh. And the whole squad is here! Review?**


	76. Normal

**76\. Normal**

 _Just then, Noah popped up next to Elliot and clutched his right leg when he saw all the people with his mom in the hallway. His small voice was heard over all the adult chatter when he asked Elliot,_

 _"Who that, daddy?"_

The chatter died down immediately and all eyes were on Noah and Elliot. Elliot couldn't help grinning proudly and turned to Noah to tell him,

"These are mommy and daddy's friends from work. I think you remember George?"

Elliot pointed at George Huang, who waved at him, and Noah's face lit up.

"Candy!"

"That's right Noah, I got you candy at the hospital," George said, approaching the little boy. "Merry Christmas," he added, extending his hand.

Noah took it and shook it with a smile.

"Mewwie Kissmas!"

Alex Cabot had moved next to Olivia and they hugged, whispering their 'good to see you's', and then Alex looked at her attentively.

"Mommy and daddy, Olivia? I haven't been gone _that_ long, have I?"

Olivia smiled and ushered everyone into the apartment, where they greeted Elliot and Noah before shuffling into the living area.

"Last I heard, Elliot disappeared without a trace and now you have a son together?" Alex continued softly, watching Elliot and Noah head for the couch while the other men huddled near the coffee table.

The men had all kept in touch with Olivia and had visited Elliot, so they knew the situation with Noah. The daddy part was new though, and Olivia saw Munch lean over to Elliot and exchange a few words after he'd sat down and had put his cast on the stool again. She couldn't hide her amusement when she turned to Alex again.

"You do know that Elliot and I have only been back in each other's lives for a few weeks, Alex? You know, since the accident?"

"Oh, of course. Donald told me. But how ..."

Olivia chuckled.

"Noah is my adopted son, and as of today, _he_ has decided to adopt Elliot as his daddy."

"Well, whatever gave him that idea?" Alex inquired, clearly fishing to know how she should define Elliot and Olivia's current relationship.

Olivia grinned and when she made eye contact with Elliot, Alex blew out a breath.

"Oh good. Finally," she sighed and Olivia chuckled again.

"Yeah, well ... you know ..." she said, unsure of what exactly to tell Alex, but Alex had heard and seen enough.

"Yes, I know. Believe me, I do. And I'm very happy for you both."

"Thank you," Olivia said with a sincere smile. "You have heard that Elliot's had amnesia for the past four years?"

Alex nodded.

"Yes. Donald asked me if I'd come to try and help jog his memory further. We all have plans later on today, so we decided to just crash your party early."

"I'm glad you did."

Olivia and Fin pulled up a few chairs that were still stacked up against the wall next to the book shelves after the Stablers had all come to visit two days earlier, and everyone took a seat. Munch had already sat down on the couch to Elliot's left, and Noah was staying close by on Elliot's other side.

"This is all ... so familiar," Elliot told Munch, and he saw George nod from the corner of his eye.

"It should be," Munch said with a smile. "We're your family."

Elliot bit his lip. He'd had a lot of trouble remembering even small bits of his biological family. And yet these people felt close to his heart. Even the blonde, although her name hadn't rung a bell right away. While Olivia had been the very first he'd remembered on some level, she had definitely opened the door to more memories of more people. He remembered fragments of four of his kids now, Kathleen being the only one he still had no real memories of. He even remembered fighting with Kathy and seeing her hold Eli at the hospital on the day he'd been born. His parents were still missing from his memories, but he got along well with his mother and he was content about it. But these people ... he knew they meant something to him. He looked at Donald Cragen, who was just looking around contently, taking in how everyone was at ease with each other. The Captain's eyes followed Olivia, who was in the kitchen with Alex, making tea for everyone, and Elliot followed his gaze. He couldn't help smiling when he saw Olivia's happy face. This truly was her family. Their family. As much as his kids were family, so were these people they had worked with for so long.

When Elliot turned his head to face the other guests again, he saw Fin looking at him. Or maybe he should say glaring at him. Elliot raised an eyebrow and Fin did the same. Elliot made an inviting gesture with his hands, as if to tell Fin to just say what he wanted to say. Fin looked at Noah, who was sitting between them and then back at Elliot, who shrugged lightly. Fin sighed then, lowering his eyes, and wrung his hands together before looking at Elliot again.

"I stayed on at SVU after you left," the detective said quietly. "And I saw her suffer, Stabler."

Elliot swallowed and nodded, understanding now what Fin was going to say.

"Just don't hurt her, okay?"

"Never," Elliot said, equally quietly. "Never again. You have my word."

Olivia and Alex returned with tea and home-baked Christmas cookies for everyone, and she looked between the two men who had been talking about her.

"Everything alright?" she asked them.

"Yes," Elliot said immediately, and Fin bobbed his head as well.

Elliot appreciated Fin's concern for Olivia and he was glad that the man had always looked out for her. Everyone was quiet when they took their cups of tea and then Cragen decided to speak up and address the entire group.

"Alright, listen up people," he began, the natural leader in him showing immediately.

Olivia squeezed on the couch next to Noah, who climbed in her lap immediately. Elliot draped his arm behind her on the backrest of the couch and Olivia scooted closer to him automatically, putting a smile on their former boss's face. Alex sat down between Fin and George across from the couch and smiled as well when she looked at the little family on the couch.

"I think I speak for all of us when I say that we are happy to have Elliot in our midst once again."

The all nodded and hummed in agreement, and Cragen continued.

"I asked you all to come here today to show our support, and to let both Elliot and Olivia know that we want to do everything in our power to help Elliot remember more of his life. Most of it was spent with us anyway so ..."

That elicited chuckles from the group of dedicated law enforcers, and Elliot looked around the group once again. He couldn't get over how at ease he felt with these people. Even with the warning looks Fin still gave him from time to time, as if that was simply part of who they were as a team.

"Also, we are relieved that finally, albeit through a terrible accident, Elliot and Olivia have given in to what has been obvious to all of us for years."

More chuckles were heard and Olivia looked down at her lap and then up sideways to catch Elliot's eyes. Elliot just smiled widely and pulled her a little closer to him.

"Very happy to be of service," he joked and Noah laughed with all of them happily, looking from one to the other and then back to his newfound daddy.

"This young fellow here," Cragen continued, looking at Noah, "didn't need much time either to figure them out. It is clear to him as it is to us, that mommy and daddy belong together. Right Noah?"

Noah looked up at his mother and then at Elliot, and he probably didn't understand all of what Cragen had just said, but he grinned anyway.

"Noah mommy and Noah daddy," he said, and Olivia wrapped her arms around him to hold him close and kiss the top of his head.

"Daddy too!" Noah said, reaching for Elliot as soon as his mother released him.

"Careful of daddy's ouch, Noah," Olivia tried, but her son was already climbing in Elliot's lap.

Elliot wrapped his arms around the boy and kissed the top of his head as well, and the others could see a sheen of tears in his eyes. When he looked up at them again, he gave them a half smile.

"Don't know what I did to deserve this," he said quietly.

Then Munch spoke up.

"My friend, the universe repays us with what we have given to others ourselves. You have always shown to be fiercely protective of women and children, your own included. And even if you don't remember this, the universe does. And so it has chosen to entrust you with another woman and another child to share your life and your love with. And I for one, couldn't be happier about it."

Olivia reached across Elliot's lap to squeeze her friend's hand, mouthing thank you at him.

"Hear hear," George said, and Alex smiled at him.

"It's still strange to me that Elliot doesn't remember much about us," Alex said then. "This all just seems so ... normal."

"It may be even stranger that to me, this all seems so normal too," Elliot admitted. "It really feels like ... well, kind of like coming home."

Every one of them was affected emotionally to some degree by Elliot's statement, and even Fin looked down for a few moments, blinking furiously before looking up again. Olivia rubbed Elliot's knee and felt warm and fuzzy inside. It didn't really matter what Elliot would or wouldn't remember eventually. He was feeling the closeness of their old team even without remembering, just like he'd felt their closeness the second he laid eyes on her at the hospital. He had come home. To her. To his family. And to the Special Victims Unit.

...

 **No, this is not the end yet! You all deserve at least one more scene, right? I'm not sure yet if there will be one or two more chapters, so stay tuned. Reviews are appreciated!**


	77. No time like the present

**77\. No time like the present**

It had been quite a day.

The squad had ended up exchanging anecdotes, and Olivia had seen Elliot laugh with them, as if he really remembered all of what they were saying. They had teased him, and each other, and Elliot's reactions had been so typically Elliot, that it had moved her more than she had expected. They didn't know if he would ever fully remember his life working with these people, but he felt at ease with them and, like he'd told her afterwards, he could be himself with them.

He'd fallen silent when they had talked about Kathleen's case. Or cases. They hadn't joked about it, and Olivia suspected that they had decided beforehand to bring it up, just to see if it would elicit a few new memories for Elliot. She'd seen him rub his temples a few times, but he'd tried to focus on the people around him in stead of on himself. Alex told him that she'd been in witness protection for quite a while, and why, and that seemed to spark something for him. When John launched into yet another conspiracy theory, he rolled his eyes like the rest of them and nudged the older man playfully when he pretended to be highly offended. It was just like old times. Almost just like old times.

Both Elliot and Noah had needed a nap after their visitors had left and Olivia had finished preparing dinner quietly, enjoying the silence in her apartment.

Now, at 9.30 PM, all was silent again. She had tucked Noah in after discussing the entire day with him, from his presents from Santa to the Ice Age movie, to baking cookies and serving them to mommy and daddy's friends from work, to their delicious Christmas dinner. She'd watched her son fall asleep afterwards and had almost nodded off next to him. Elliot had gone to bed already too. He was exhausted and in pain. She had wanted to ask him if he had gained any new memories today, but it would have to wait. She sat alone in the living room for a while, sipping a glass of red wine and just breathing. What a ride these past few weeks had been. Things were finally calming down now. Elliot was with her and Noah, recovering quite well considering how seriously he'd been injured. Dodds had called to let her know they didn't expect her back until the 4th of January. It had been strangely good to be away from the pain and the blood and the tears for a while. She really should consider taking a vacation more regularly from now on.

She smiled at herself. She'd never had a life to enjoy outside of work. Not since Noah came into her life. Then, suddenly, it had made sense to take the weekends off, and an extra day every once in a while. And now she had Elliot as well to come home to. Once he was all better, they should plan a vacation together, just the three of them. She shook her head. What had happened to her? Who was she, and what had she done to Lieutenant Badass Benson?

Around 10.30 she decided to call it a night, and after taking a quick shower, she crawled into bed next to Elliot. He was sprawled out in the bed on his back, but he wasn't snoring like she had expected him to. She lay on her side, watching him in the faint moonlight that was coming in through the window. He wasn't as relaxed a she had though, although he'd been asleep for at least an hour and a half. His breathing was too shallow and she wondered if he was sleeping at all. Before she could decide if she should ask him, Elliot let out a grunt, and then another one. He seemed upset, and Olivia sat up next to him. She put a hand on his chest. He was trembling and his breathing had picked up.

"No ..." he sighed then, and Olivia decided to wake him up.

"El," she said softly, leaning over him. "El, you're dreaming. Wake up."

Elliot's eyes opened suddenly and he shot up, clutched his painful ribs and dropped back down on the mattress.

"Sssssh," Olivia soothed, putting a hand against his cheek and rubbing it with her thumb. "It was just a dream El."

"No," Elliot said again, but it wasn't a desperate no like the first one. "It was real. It was ... Kathleen."

"Oh ... what about Kathleen?" she asked him, wondering if the squad's talk had sparked a few memories of Kathleen after all.

Elliot looked up at her, and his wide eyes softened a bit.

"I'm sorry Liv," he said, trying to regulate his breathing. "I didn't mean to wake you."

She smiled.

"I wasn't asleep. I just got here. Did you dream about Kathleen?"

"Yeah. She was ... she was in very bad shape. I carried her ... they pumped her stomach. Said she was sick. I ... I couldn't deal with it. She ... she's my baby girl!"

Olivia continued rubbing his chest soothingly, giving him time to process the dream as well as his own feelings about his daughter. She was relieved that he was finally remembering her, because she'd suspected that Kathleen was really his favorite - as far as a parent could have a favorite child. He would have loved every single one of his children equally, because that was the kind of father he was. But he'd had a special connection to Kathleen nonetheless, probably because she was so much like him. And like his mother. He had to realize that by now.

After a minute, Elliot looked up at her again.

"She's okay now, El," she told him. "You've seen how well she's doing for herself."

"Yeah ..." he said pensively. "She was so, _so_ mad at me. Kathy too. And _you_ ... even you."

Elliot seemed a little surprised, but another memory of her was falling into place.

"I wasn't really mad at you, El. Just disappointed in how you were handling things."

Elliot chuckled.

"I'm not angry, I'm disappointed. Classic."

Olivia shrugged and grinned, glad to see him coming out of his darker thoughts.

" _Somebody_ had to show you some tough motherly love."

Elliot's eyes swept over her face and then over the loose grey t-shirt she'd thrown on. He took a deep breath and breathed out slowly.

"Somehow, I don't think it was just motherly love you were showing me," he said.

He wasn't smiling but gazing at her so intensely that she had to look away.

"El, don't," she said and when he reached for her face, she looked at him again.

"Thank you," he said softly, tracing her jawline with the back of his fingers.

"For what?"

"For always being there for me. Even when I didn't want you to be there."

She bowed her head, knowing she didn't deserve all of his gratitude.

"I wasn't always there El. I ran away. Twice."

"Doesn't matter," he said without missing a beat. "I ran too. We're not rehashing that. There was no place for our love in our lives back then and we dealt with it in our own way. It's in the past."

She wanted to leave it all in the past. She was learning. From him. From Elliot of all people. The master in bottling things up. He'd learned to let go. Forgetting had helped, of course, but he was also letting go what he was remembering. Even now, his despair about what Kathleen had gotten herself into was fading. His daughter was fine now and he was leaving the disturbing feelings in the past, where they belonged.

"I'm so glad you're remembering Kathleen now," she said.

"Me too."

"You wanna get some more sleep?"

"Not yet."

Olivia cocked an eyebrow and the corner of her mouth tugged up when she saw the mischievous gleam in his eyes.

"C'mere," he said, his voice low and soft.

Olivia leaned over him, making sure not to put any weight on his chest, but Elliot wrapped one arm around her waist and pulled her close, threading the fingers of his other hand through her hair.

"Memories are great," Elliot hummed, his lips impossibly close to hers, "but there's no time like the present."

Before she could respond, his lips were on hers and she gave in. He was right. There _is_ no time like the present. He was here and she was here. They were free to love each other now. The past was behind them. The future was ahead of them. And they were going to spend that future together. It was all they needed to know.

...

...

...

...

 **To be continued ... (Just in case you thought it was over :))**


	78. Candy

**Alright then ... here we go. The Christmas finale has passed, but I guess we're not done yet ...**

 **I know it's been a while, so I hope I'm still writing in the same style and feeling of the previous chapters!**

...

 **78\. Candy**

"Elliot!"

His name on her lips was all he wanted to hear. He needed to convince her.

"Liv, Greg said we could try," he encouraged her.

He'd had his checkup and he'd asked Greg without beating around the bush if he could have sex again. Greg had given them a very clear, professional answer. Although it had been only three weeks since the accident, if Elliot didn't experience pain in his hip, it was fine. Considering his cast and painful ribs, Greg suggested that Elliot remain on his back the first few times, or maybe in a sitting position, until he felt more confident about different positions. Other positions might have to wait until his cast came off, which would be in about two more weeks. But basically, all positions were allowed unless it hurt, except laying on his side. That would put too much strain on the hip joint.

"In other words, let Liv do all the work," Elliot had remarked, earning him Olivia's token Benson glare.

Greg had glanced shyly at Olivia then, who had looked out the window pretending she wasn't listening and had ignored both men after that.

She couldn't ignore him now though. Elliot had managed to roll on his right side while Olivia was on her back next to him, and he'd snuck his left hand up her shirt while his right arm was under her neck. His lips were skimming her jawline and he was all but begging her to cooperate. His thumb was grazing the underside of her right breast and despite her attempts to object, he could feel her arching into his touch.

"You know you want it," he said huskily and Olivia groaned softly, closing her eyes.

"I never said I didn't," she admitted. "But I don't want to hurt you."

"Right now, I'm hurting in a whole different way," he said, and when Olivia turned her head to look at him, he smirked.

"I thought your painkillers were libido killers as well," Olivia tried again.

"Not anymore," he told her, wiggling his eyebrows. "Can't you tell?"

Olivia bit her lip. She wasn't about to feel him up to check how excited he was. When Elliot moved his hand up a little, cupping her breast, she felt her resistance dwindle a bit. But not enough to give in. Yet.

"Elliot," she sighed again.

He kissed her ear softly and goosebumps broke out all over the left half of her body, right down to her knees. It had been so long for her, and she guessed for him as well. But she didn't want to rush their first time. It meant too much to her, and so she told him,

"I just want it to be something really special, El. I don't want to have to stop halfway through because you're in pain."

"Then don't stop. You know I can take it."

"I don't want you to 'take it'. I want you to enjoy it."

Elliot kissed her cheek and smiled, his lips still brushing her skin when he spoke.

"Believe me, I'm going to enjoy it. Don't you ever doubt that, Olivia Benson. I've waited too long not to enjoy every second of being with you at last."

Olivia turned her head to look at him and the reality of the moment hit her. Here she was, in bed with her former partner, the man she'd loved for years when she shouldn't have. He actually came back to her and it was so natural now. They were so at ease with each other. It really was their time now, and even though they'd only been back in each others' lives for three weeks, it felt like those years apart had been wiped away clean. And along with it, the awkwardness and complicated-ness had been wiped away as well. So why was was she still fighting the inevitable?They had all the time in the world now to explore the new dynamics of their relationship. And getting to know each other physically didn't need to be a monumental experience with fireworks and unbridled passion. They weren't writing the next chapter of 50 shades of whatever. They were here, together, and free to love each other in any way they wanted to.

Olivia propped herself up on her left elbow and looked at Elliot, who looked up at her questioningly.

"I never thought it would be like this," she admitted with a small smile.

Elliot caught on quickly and grinned. He reached up to touch her face.

"Me neither Liv."

"You thought about it when we were still partners?"

"Oh yeah."

Olivia chuckled.

"More than I should have," Elliot added.

She wiggled her head and then admitted,

"Me too."

"But I never wanted us to be a fling or an affair, Liv. You meant too much to me."

Olivia nodded, understanding what he meant. It hadn't just been his marriage vows holding him back, but also his respect for her.

"I felt the same way," she told him, putting a hand on his chest and caressing it gently.

Elliot took a deep breath and swallowed before he spoke again.

"Do you know what you do to me, just touching me like that?" he asked her, and his honest blue eyes made her melt inside. "Or looking at me like that," Elliot added, almost whispering.

Olivia leaned forward until her forehead was resting against Elliot's cheek.

"I've wanted this for so long," she said quietly, "and then I had to convince myself to go on without you."

Elliot turned his head to kiss her forehead.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"And now you're back and you're mine and ... I feel like a kid in a candy store that's been told she can buy whatever she wants and ... I just don't know where to start."

Elliot groaned softly and it was something between a sound of endearment and a sound of impatience.

"I may be able to help you choose," he said, and when Olivia sat up and looked at him expectantly, he grabbed her pillow, put it on top of his own under his head and shoulders, and held out his right arm invitingly.

Olivia smiled, and the mischievous look in her eyes made his heart beat faster. Was she going to give in?

"Well ..." she said, pensively, not moving into his arm yet. "I will need to check out the merchandise a little better first. Maybe get a taste? What do you recommend?"

Elliot laughed out loud and then put a hand over his mouth. They didn't want to wake up Noah now. When there was no sound from Noah's room, he looked up at Olivia again.

"If I show you some of my product, what do I get in return?"

Olivia grinned and bit her lip. What had once been her favorite part about jumping into bed with a guy, wasn't her favorite part anymore. She'd have to take her shirt off at some point, and Elliot would see her scarred body. And while she had gotten used to it by now, she wasn't sure wat it would do to Elliot to see the damage that had been done to her up close.

When Elliot saw her hesitation, he rubbed her side gently.

"It doesn't matter to me what you look like, Olivia. The best flavors aren't always wrapped in the most pristine wrappers, right?"

Olivia chuckled, amused that he was being so serious while still staying in the candy metaphor.

"That's true, but we're usually attracted to the colors of the wrappers first, aren't we?"

Elliot nodded and looked into her eyes.

"You're right. And from where I'm at, the colors on you are pretty amazing."

Olivia swallowed hard, and then lowered herself carefully, until she was able to look into Elliot's eyes up close.

"So are yours," she whispered, taking in the shades of blue and green in his eyes.

But most of all, she saw the love there. The most beautiful color of all. She kissed him on the lips and they both closed their eyes then, forgetting about candy and colors and wrappers. Elliot grunted a little, without breaking the kiss, when he pulled her on top of him, and Olivia quickly placed her hands and knees on the mattress to shift her body weight to her arms and legs in stead of Elliot's body. Elliot tangled one hand in her hair, making sure she wasn't going to move away any further. He didn't care about his painful ribs right now. All he could think of was Olivia's body on top of his at last. She was going to give in ... she was going to give in.

When Olivia broke off the kiss, she sat up on her knees, straddling his waist, and smiled down at him. What now?

"I'm gonna need some help," Elliot said, feeling a little embarrassed, but there was no way around the fact that he wouldn't be able to get more 'comfortable' without assistance.

"I can help you," Olivia said, not reacting visibly to his embarrassment at all.

She tossed the comforter to the side and helped Elliot sit up to take his tank off. She blew out a breath slowly. She'd never take his muscular chest, shoulders and arms for granted. She knew he'd worked hard to look this way and it was still hard to believe she could touch him now. Elliot leaned back a bit, placing his palms on the mattress behind him. He looked at Olivia then, letting his eyes roam her shirt.

"Your turn."

 _Don't think_ , she told herself. _Just show him, and deal with his reaction._

She reached for the hem of her shirt and heard Elliot hold his breath when she pulled the shirt up, exposing her scarred upper body to him for the first time. She couldn't believe they were actually doing this and she looked down at his abs after tossing her shirt aside. She didn't need to see his initial shock. She'd look up once he was able to mask it.

Elliot lifted one hand, still leaning on the other one, and Olivia prepared herself for his touch. But his hand went up further than she'd expected, until he put a finger under her chin to make her look up at him. She could feel his hand trembling, and when she finally met his eyes, she could see a sheen of tears in them.

"Liv ..."

Elliot cleared his throat when the word got stuck, and then tried again.

"Liv, I am _so_ very sorry I wasn't there for you. But ... but you will always be the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Can you believe that?"

Olivia wanted to deflect his comment like she always did, but Elliot's thumb, caressing her cheek gently, helped her not to look away this time and to accept what Elliot was saying.

"Okay," she said softly and Elliot knew it was all he could ask for right now.

They'd get there, one step at a time. And her body truly didn't leave him unaffected. He could see the scars but he he could also see her soft skin, her powerful yet feminine shoulders and arms, the way her chest was heaving while she breathed and her amazing, full breasts. Elliot leaned back then, lowering his upper half back onto the mattress. Olivia followed like he had hoped, and when they were skin on skin at last, he felt like he was going to burn to a crisp on the spot. The feeling of her full breasts brushing against his body made his heart thump in his chest and his hands were on her waist instantly, guiding her forward as she moved in to kiss him again.

Olivia sought out Elliot's tongue with hers and relaxed against his body consciously. They were actually doing this. After all these years of looking, wanting, yearning, and then trying to forget, he was underneath her, almost completely naked. They were kissing, touching, exploring. When Elliot moaned, Olivia felt her body respond to him everywhere. She didn't want to hurt him, but her desire was beginning to override her rational thoughts. Elliot was a strong man but he wouldn't do anything to slow down his recovery. Not now. Not when he wanted to be with her so badly.

Elliot could feel Olivia give in, little by little. Her hands were caressing him and it was better than he'd imagined. And he'd imagined this moment a lot. He caressed her back and then her ass, and he pulled her closer to him once his hands were locked behind her thighs. Olivia groaned into his mouth and he felt his body twitch. She must have felt it too, and when he felt her smile against his lips, he wished he didn't have to stay on his back.

"Don't tease me Liv," he mumbled, when he felt her scoot back and put a little extra pressure on his pelvic area.

"Just testing what you hip can take," she said as innocently as she could manage, and then they both chuckled.

Elliot moved his hands up from her thighs, over her hips and waist, until he could cup her breasts. Olivia leaned on her elbows to give him room to touch her, and when his thumbs grazed her nipples, she closed her eyes and dropped her forehead to his shoulder.

"I can't believe this is really happening," Elliot said softly, his voice trembling with emotion as well as arousal.

"Me neither," Olivia whispered.

"But it is."

"Yes, it is."

...

 **To be continued ... soon! Yes, I know. It's cruel to stop here but I needed one more chapter to alert everyone that the rating is going up. Finally! So if you're not following me or this story, make sure to adjust your filters when you check for the next update. Leave a review?**


	79. Consummation

**Chapter titles can be a challenge but this was an easy one. Enjoy! PS. Heed the new rating.**

...

 **79\. Consummation**

 _"I can't believe this is really happening," Elliot said softly, his voice trembling with emotion as well as arousal._

 _"Me neither," Olivia whispered._

 _"But it is."_

 _"Yes, it is."_

Olivia lifted her head and captured his lips with hers. Her heart was pounding. His thumbs were still playing with her nipples and she suppressed another moan. She wanted to touch Elliot's body but it was like she couldn't move. She never wanted this feeling to end. She knew he could feel the scars that ran across her breasts but he was kneading her and touching her as if they weren't there. And so she decided they weren't there. They didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore, only them, together, like this.

When they broke off the kiss and she finally moved away a little to look at his sculpted body again, she wondered why she'd even tried to postpone this. Elliot knew his own limits. She'd seen him run with stab wounds and even with bullet holes in his body and she'd seen him fight with cracked ribs. He knew what he was capable of and she knew for a fact that he would be capable of satisfying her every need, and not come up short himself.

They were so much more than lovers and this was so much more than sex. They were two halves of a whole, only complete together, and what they were about to do, was just the physical, visible confirmation of what they already were. Of what they had always been, whether they had wanted to acknowledge it or not.

Olivia scooted back to kiss Elliot's chest and he closed his eyes. His hands were caressing her shoulders and shoulder blades now, and he reveled in the feeling of Olivia's lips on his skin. She was exploring him with her mouth, and when she made a trail of open-mouthed kisses, he held his breath until she reached on of his sensitive nipples. He groaned when her tongue licked it, and when she put her mouth over his nipple and sucked gently, his hips bucked up.

Olivia looked up at him, trying to ascertain if he was in pain, but his eyes were still closed and he was smiling. So she moved to his other nipple and repeated the process, while looking at his flushed face. His hips moved again and she smiled against his chest.

"Liv," he sighed, opening his eyes and looking at her.

Olivia sat up a little and his eyes flicked down to her breasts instantly. She grinned. She'd always known he was a breast man.

"Yeah?" she said huskily.

She could see in his eyes what he wanted to say. He wanted her so badly. Olivia sat up straight and moved off of him. The last piece of clothing had to go and they needed to remove it carefully. No unbridled passion, no ripping of clothes or banging each other up against a wall ... No. Not now. Olivia helped Elliot out of his boxer shorts carefully, not looking at him until the garment was completely off and on the floor. Only when he was ready for her and not scooting clumsily in bed anymore, did she look at his now gloriously naked body.

Elliot watched her watch him and just seeing her take him in was exciting. He'd been a little distracted when they had to work together to get his shorts off, but his body was paying attention again. He grinned when he saw a smirk forming on Olivia's face. She'd seen the visible reaction of his body to the hungry eyes that were looking at him. He had hoped Olivia's white panties would follow his shorts to the floor, but when she draped her body against his again and moved one leg between his, he was officially distracted again and kissed her, hard.

Olivia had never been one to give up control in bed, but she loved how Elliot was showing his demanding side now. She'd always known he was a passionate man and while she couldn't really picture him with Kathy in creative positions, somehow she knew he had it in him to be both tender and loving as well as hard and hungry. Maybe it was for the best that he was simply unable physically to go all out this first time. It forced them both to go slow, and she loved it. Still, feeling his muscles work, did something to her body and she could see it now ...

Their warm bodies were melding together, his arms around her waist and hers around his neck, and his skin tingled everywhere they touched. How he wished he could just flip them over and rip those panties off of her. But it was just as sexy, or even more so, to go slow. Her skin was amazing and while her scars reminded him of what she'd suffered, they didn't take away any of her beauty. Because beauty comes from the inside, and he loved her for who she was. Her luscious body was just a huge bonus and the way she was kissing and touching him, was heavenly.

"Liv," he whispered against her lips, and when she released his lower lip with a plop to look at him, he swallowed hard.

The look in her eyes mirrored exactly what he was feeling. They didn't need words. Not now. Maybe not ever when they were together like this. Their hearts and bodies were leading the way. When Olivia finally shimmied out of her panties, he couldn't breathe. When she straddled him again, he bit his lip. She was opening herself up to him. Not only her body, but all of her. Her eyes told him she was aware of it and it still scared her a little. But not enough to run away from it. She was done running, at last.

Elliot ran his palms over her thighs, up to her hips and then her waist, and they both shivered. Olivia leaned forward, placing her hands on his pecs but made sure not to put too much pressure on his chest. She tilted her hips then, carefully scooting forward until her core was resting on top of his shaft, their bodies now touching more intimately than they ever had. Elliot's breath hitched, and he could see a more confident smile spread across Olivia's face. Had she really been worried that he wouldn't be turned on by her? That he wouldn't think she was beautiful?

"Liv, you're so beau..." he started, but Olivia quickly leaned forward and placed a finger over his lips.

She shook her head but their eyes remained locked. Maybe she was right. She could see in his eyes exactly what he was thinking and what he had wanted to say. And the answer in her eyes, her obvious love for him, her trust in him, told him all he needed to know. She moved her finger to the side, caressing his lips and then leaned in to replace the finger with her own lips. Elliot's eyes slipped closed and he lost himself in the kiss, paying no attention to any discomfort his own body might give him. Feeling hers, kissing her, made it all worth while.

Olivia was trembling inside. They had kissed before, but now they were both naked and she was on top of him, their bodies touching in ways they had never done before. She almost felt like it was the first time ever she was going to make love to a man. And perhaps it was, in a way. Because never before had such a love come before the physical act, and never before had that love been so strong. While the thought of making love to Elliot had frightened her at times, because it would change everything between them, it was now the most perfect and logical next step in their relationship.

When she moved her body over his, Elliot groaned softly into her mouth. She felt his hand on her hip, gripping her a little tighter while his other hand closed over her breast once again. Feeling his hardness against her core made her break off their intimate kiss and swallow hard, and the need in her body was starting to grow. It had been so long but she was ready. More than ready at last. She lifted her hips up and reached between their bodies, wrapping her hand around Elliot's erection. His eyes snapped open and she looked at him while she moved her hand up and down a few times. He felt amazing and a surge of desire coursed through her entire body.

He held his breath when she lined their bodies up, and when she lowered her hips so his tip started to enter her, Elliot breathed in sharply.

"Okay?" she asked him, almost whispering, and Elliot could only nod.

He was more than okay and when Olivia lowered herself further, he expelled his breath, and threw his head back. They were really doing this. He was really going to make love to Olivia. His Olivia. She was his at last.

Once he was inside her, their bodies took over completely from their minds. Elliot couldn't believe how tight she was and Olivia needed a moment to adjust to the sheer size of the man. They moved slowly together until it became easier, and Olivia changed her position a little to get a better angle. They gasped and moaned together, moving slowly, touching and kissing tenderly and reading each others' bodies with their eyes closed. Elliot's hands roamed her back and they moved together as one. Not frantically, but languidly, Elliot setting the pace and Olivia mirroring and then enhancing his movements.

Her mouth was on his skin, nipping at his jaw, neck, shoulder and everywhere she kissed him he felt so alive. He was moving deep inside her and he never wanted to be anywhere else. They sped up gradually and his hip and leg didn't hurt at all. All he could feel was Olivia, on top of him and all around him. He wanted to come but he needed her to come first. Her movements were becoming more insistent, and when she pushed herself up so she was leaning on her outstretched arms, creating friction between their bodies in just the right way, he knew it wouldn't be long now.

"Ungh!"

She couldn't have stopped the sound even if she had wanted to. It all felt so good. Her body was tingling all over and the way he made her feel inside was indescribable.

"Oh yeah," Elliot whispered and knowing he was as affected by what they were doing as she was, spurred her on.

His hands were on her hips now and he was guiding her movements as she kept grinding into him, taking him in as deep as she could.

"Oh Liv!" Elliot exclaimed and Olivia didn't care anymore that Noah might hear them.

"El! Oh!" she cried out, moving even faster.

Elliot groaned and bucked up harder, needing to be even deeper inside her. He wished he could crawl inside her skin to be even closer to her than this, and he'd never felt this way before. He soft moans and cries of pleasure were pushing him to the edge fast but he wanted her to come too. He moved one hand between their bodies and found her clit. He swiped his thumb over it and looked up at her flushed face. She was staring into his eyes but when she felt her orgasm start to build, she threw her head back and screwed her eyes shut.

"El!" she said once again, and then he felt her body shudder.

She was gasping for air and grinding harder into him as her orgasm washed over her, setting her body on fire from the inside out. Elliot felt her walls contracting around him and it was his undoing. He grabbed both her hips again and pulled her into him hard, stilled for a split second and then released all he had deep inside her. His body jerked a few times and when Olivia continued to ride him, prolonging both their climaxes, he let out a long groan. Olivia fell forward then, bracing herself on her elbows and dropping her forehead to his shoulder. They stayed like this for a minute, still intimately connected, as they caught their breaths.

Elliot wrapped his arms around her and held her close to him. Olivia felt warm and fuzzy inside, and so content. She couldn't remember the last time her body had felt so relaxed and she didn't know if she'd ever felt this safe before. Elliot had called her his home a few times now, and when she felt him tightening his arms around her while he was still inside her, she knew what he meant. She was finally home as well. She never wanted to let him go. And she knew now, that she would never have to. Never again.

...

 **I hope the consummation met your approval. You've waited for 78 chapters for this after all :)**  
 **This story has almost come to an end. I will try to create a nice finale for you all, with a little jump to the time where Elliot's all better and won't have to stay on his back anymore - if you know what I mean! Meanwhile, reviews make me happy.**


	80. All I Need To Know

**The final chapter is here! I didn't want to cut it in half, making you all wait _again_ , so it's a long one. Enjoy, and do let me know if you liked it! I have included the song that inspired me to write this story. The chorus got stuck in my head and I just _had_ to make it an EO line. I'm not a fan of either of the singers who sang the duet, but I love the lyrics. Listening to the song while reading the lyrics is recommended for maximum effect :)**

 _ **"I don't know much but I know I love you. And that may be all I need to know."**_

 _ **Aaron Neville & Linda Ronstadt (1989)**_

...

 **80\. All I Need to Know**

They lay on their sides, looking at each other.

Olivia had pulled the comforter over them and when she lay back down, Elliot had reached for her and she had scooted close to him, resting her head on his right arm. His eyes were shining and she couldn't help grinning from time to time, just like him. They didn't speak for the longest time. There really was nothing to say that their eyes weren't already telling them. Olivia caressed Elliot's cheek, tracing the outline of his cheekbone, his jaw and touching his lips with her thumb. Elliot caressed her hip and lower back, reveling in the feeling of her skin under his hand and the knowledge that he was allowed to touch her now. Somehow this, just laying together, not speaking and just looking at each other, was more intimate than what they had just done. Her body was still feeling the effects of their lovemaking and she was definitely interested in exploring him further, but for now, she just wanted to look at him. See him. Truly see him and know that he was hers now, to have and to hold, and that nothing would come between them again.

The past few weeks had been an emotional roller coaster for both of them and for Elliot's family as well. But the dust was beginning to settle and Olivia couldn't be happier with what they were now left with. Elliot had come back to her. He was always going to come back and had never truly forgotten her, despite his amnesia. He had known he was missing someone in his life and he'd recognized her almost as soon as he saw her. That thought could still move her to tears. He had come back to stay and he was going to be Noah's daddy. In the short time that he'd lived with them, they had already become a family. The Stabler children accepted her and it was more than she could have asked for. Stripped of his past, Elliot had learned to live in the moment and she was learning from him to do the same. And this moment was absolutely perfect.

Elliot smiled and she blinked a few times. He was so beautiful. People would call him handsome, a stud, a Greek god. But when she looked into his eyes, the mirrors of his soul, the only word that truly applied was beautiful. A beautiful soul in a beautiful body. There was no way around his body, but it wasn't the most important aspect of him, just like her body wasn't the most important thing to him either. When she finally fully understood that truth, tears welled up in her eyes. Elliot didn't ask her why. He didn't ask her what was wrong. He simply pulled her close to him, until she could hide her face in the crook of his neck. His arms wrapped around her and his warm body was against hers, his cast resting between her legs. She felt safe and understood. No man had ever understood her the way Elliot had, and missing him had felt like dying inside. But she had come alive again, her heart was beating again, for Elliot and for Noah. They were truly all she needed.

"I love you," Elliot whispered in her ear.

Olivia kissed his neck and held him close. And she whispered,

"I love you too."

...

...

 **Five months later**

Not all of his memories had come back to him. From time to time, small snippets would be added to the pile, but they didn't focus on his memories anymore. In the end, Elliot didn't expect to remember anything about his childhood. Bernie had smiled when they were visiting her once. It was fine, she told him. It was like she'd always believed. Everything he truly needed to remember to become himself, had come back to him. The rest had just been baggage and he was better off without it. They had a good rapport now and it was more than she could ever have hoped for.

They were hoping to see Richard again in the summer, after Maureen's baby was born. A family trip to California was in the works to welcome the new baby into the world. Meanwhile, Richard and Elliot called each other regularly, and it was a joy for Olivia to hear him discussing life as a Marine so animatedly with his son. He was so proud of Richard and their long talks had brought back some memories of his own time in the Marines. And without fail, at the end of every phone call, Richard told him to give Olivia his best. She wondered if the young man knew how much that meant to her. He had gotten his wish at last, and he thanked her for it. For giving him back his father, just like Kathleen had predicted.

Kathleen and Terrence had contacted Olivia behind Elliot's back, telling her that they had plans to get married and asking for her help organizing things with Terrence's aunt. Olivia was back at the helm of SVU and had no trouble coming up with excuses to come home late and she really enjoyed the renewed contact with Kathleen. She did ask her why she hadn't asked her own mother to help, and Kathleen had told her, a little sadly, that Terrence didn't have a mother anymore. That was why his aunt was helping them and they couldn't think of a better person to be on Kathleen's side of the preparations than Olivia.

"Besides," Kathleen had added, making Olivia chuckle, "you're badass so I think you'll fit in better with Terrence's family anyway."

Maureen and Steve were back in LA but keeping in touch, albeit a little irregularly. When they called, it was mostly via Skype chats, so Maureen could show off her growing belly. Elliot couldn't believe that his baby was now having a baby and enjoyed every minute of their talks whenever she called.

And Eli now stayed with them every other weekend. It had been quite an adjustment for Olivia, but the boys had been surprisingly okay with it. Despite the age difference, Eli and Noah had really hit it off and Elliot told her that it was probably _because_ of the age difference. There was no competition between them at all, like one would see in siblings that were only two or three years apart. Siblings. Olivia loved that word. She'd been raised as an only child and savored the moments that she could see Noah enjoying the company of another child. His big brother, for all intents and purposes. Eli didn't mind sharing a room with Noah but they were considering looking for a bigger apartment over time.

Sometimes they'd pick Eli up, and sometimes 'aunt Kathy' would drop him off. The adults weren't the best of friends and probably never would be, but they had found a way to deal with the new situation, and leave most of the past behind them. They were civil with each other, and Kathy had come to terms with the end of her marriage at last.

Elizabeth and Jessie were Noah's new favorite baby sitters. The girls had insisted on starting to pay rent for the use of Elliot's apartment, and Elliot was looking into changing the paperwork so it would become their own apartment. It looked like it would be a long process but it didn't really matter to Elliot. He didn't need the place anymore after moving in with Olivia and Noah.

Tonight, they were dropping Noah off with the girls and he'd sleep over. Elliot wanted to take Olivia out on a real date, wanting to spend some quiet time with her now that the entire drama of the accident and his memory loss was behind them. He'd worked hard to get back into shape after his cast had come off, and Greg was very content with his progress. He had recommended caution with regards to power lifting because of Elliot's ribs, but Elliot had insisted on keeping his back, chest and arms just the way he liked them. Olivia certainly wasn't complaining.

He looked so strong and handsome in his tight white t-shirt and leather jacket, and of course his favorite Levi's. He had told her not to dress up, because they weren't the type to go to fancy places anyway. So she had opted for a casual outfit as well, after taking a peek at his outfit. She was wearing tight jeans and a black V-neck t-shirt and was going for a lavender jacket that was perfect for the spring weather they were having, not too hot and not too cold.

"Lavender?" Elliot asked her surprised, and she laughed.

"Yeah. I felt a little colory when I bought it the other day. Do you mind?"

"Not at all," he said with a grin. "You look great in a little color."

While Elliot vividly remembered Olivia's light blue V-neck sweater, her orange sweater as well as a bright red blouse, he knew she usually wore black or dark blue clothes. It made sense in their line of work, but he really liked it that she was choosing more color these days. He'd seen a change in her that was amazing to watch, mostly because he knew he was the cause of it. It still moved him from time to time, remembering how complicated their friendship slash partnership had been, with all the unspoken feelings between them, to see her - them - like this now. They weren't complicated anymore. Everything made sense now, as if the pieces of their lives had fallen into place at long last. They had tried so hard to make them all fit in the wrong places and combinations, and they had all meant well. But it just hadn't fit. And now, it did and the result was something he would be eternally grateful for.

"Which shoes?" Olivia asked him, holding up a pair of black sneakers and a pair of black high heels.

He bit his lip, picturing her in those heels combined with her tight jeans, but it wouldn't be practical where they were going.

"While I would love to see you on those," he said, pointing at the heels, "I think the sneakers are best for tonight."

Olivia grinned at him.

"Okay. Maybe I can wear these for you another time," she said, a seductive tone to her voice. " _Only_ these."

Elliot groaned and closed his eyes, needing a moment to clear his mind of all the unholy things he was thinking as soon as he pictured her in those heels and nothing else. They had gradually explored more ways to be physically intimate and he couldn't get enough of her. He figured he needed at least another sixteen years to get all the pent up feelings out, and he was very much okay with that. He was almost fifty but certainly didn't feel like it. He felt rejuvenated, and he could tell Olivia did too. There was a glow about her that he only remembered from a long time ago, when they were much, much younger and still a little more innocent than they were now. They had seen the worst life had to offer but somehow, they had managed to find their way and find goodness as well. He saw it in his kids, and now in Noah too. And they could see it in each other.

Olivia was looking forward to going out with Elliot. It had been ages since she'd been out, aside from drinks after work with co-workers. They had prepared Noah for the evening and he'd packed his own little backpack, stuffing the things into it that he really, really couldn't sleep without. Olivia showered his face with little kisses when they dropped him off, until Noah had had enough.

"Mommy stop!" he said clearly, and Olivia stopped immediately.

'Stop' was such an important word that she was trying to teach him early on that the effect of that word should be immediate. 'Stop'or 'no' means no consent and she wanted him to be ingrained with that notion from day one.

"Thank you," Noah said sweetly and then he turned around to give Elliot a hug.

"You take good care of Jessie and Liz, okay buddy?" Elliot told him, and Noah nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes daddy. Love you. Bye."

That was their cue and they all chuckled. Elliot took Olivia's hand and led her out of the apartment, winking at his daughter and her girlfriend.

"Thanks girls. See you tomorrow."

...

Their date was perfect, exactly them. Well, the _new_ them. Elliot took Olivia to a small Italian restaurant with a view over the Hudson. The owner had taken a chance and had opened the sliding doors to the patio. Patio heaters were making it just warm enough to sit outside and they had a modest but delicious meal. Olivia chose lasagna and the house salad, and Elliot had chicken fettuccine with extra vegetables. They drank a little wine but not too much and had a small ice cream for dessert. After dinner, they strolled along the river arm in arm, taking in the beautiful view and enjoying the quiet. They wanted to make it a habit to stop and reflect from time to time, in stead of just letting time get away from them. Olivia was learning to delegate more on the job and come home at a decent hour - unless she was with Kathleen and Terrence behind Elliot's back of course - but she still had a busy life. Elliot reminded her regularly to keep breathing and tonight was a perfect night to breathe together.

When they reached a part of the sidewalk that was very quiet, Elliot stopped and turned to face Olivia.

"What is it El? You wanna head back?" Olivia asked.

"No," Elliot said, smiling. "I wanna dance with you."

"What?"

"Yeah. I brought the music."

He fumbled in his jacket pocket and pulled out an MP3 player, complete with a little speaker that he tucked in the chest pocket of his jacket.

"Wow, seriously?" Olivia asked, smiling hesitantly.

"Just listen, and you'll understand. Can I have this dance, miss Benson?"

Olivia grinned and decided, what the hell. There were hardly any people around and it _was_ kind of romantic.

"I thought of this song a lot while my memories started to come back to me," Elliot said softly while he pulled her into his arms. "It's about us. About you and me."

Olivia let him lead their slow dance and she closed her eyes, letting the meaning of the words sink in while they danced in the dark.

 _Look at this face. I know the years are showing_  
 _Look at this life, I still don't know where it's going_

 _I don't know much, but I know I love you_  
 _And that may be all I need to know_

 _Look at these eyes, they've never seen what mattered_  
 _Look at these dreams, so beaten and so battered_

 _I don't know much, but I know I love you_  
 _And that may be all I need to know_

 _So many questions still left unanswered_  
 _So much I've never broken through_  
 _And when I feel you near me, sometimes I see so clearly_  
 _The only truth I've ever known is me and you_

 _Look at this man, so blessed with inspiration_  
 _Look at this soul, still searching for salvation_

 _I don't know much, but I know I love you_  
 _And that may be all I need to know_

 _I don't know much, but I know i love you_  
 _That may be all there is  
to know._

By the time the song had ended, they both had tears in their eyes and Olivia was sniffling, hiding her face from Elliot by holding him tight. They continued to sway together even after the song was over, realizing how true those words were. Elliot kissed Olivia's neck softly, realizing the song had affected her as deeply as it had affected him. When she finally lifted her head to look at him, he could see tears glistening on her cheeks.

"Liv," he said, not sure what he should say right now.

"It's beautiful El," she said with a trembling voice. "The only truth I've ever known is me and you. That's so ... so ..."

"Us," Elliot finished for her and Olivia smiled.

"Yeah."

He leaned in to kiss her softly on the lips and when she rested her head on his shoulder again, the words tumbled out of his mouth before he could even register them himself.

"Marry me one day."

He felt her tense up very briefly and he started to brace himself for her reaction, but then he felt her relax against him again.

"I ... Liv, I don't have a ring yet or anything, I just ... I hadn't planned to ask you yet but ..." he stammered, and it was the truth.

He hadn't planned to ask her now, but it was a question that was in his heart.

"Okay," Olivia whispered, and he swore his heart stopped for a moment. What exactly was she saying okay to?

She lifted her head to look at him again, and her smile was so wide that her cheeks hurt.

"It was perfect," she told him, still smiling.

The man knew her so well and even while he hadn't planned it, his proposal was perfect. One day. It suited her. It suited them.

"What do you mean?" Elliot asked, and for once they weren't completely in sync. She attributed it to nervousness.

"I will," she said. "One day."

Elliot dropped his forehead to hers, almost afraid that he was taking her words the wrong way.

"I will marry you one day," she repeated, and he finally dared to believe that she was saying yes.

"Yes!" he said, and then again, a little louder while picking her up.

"Yes!"

He turned them around and when he set her back on her feet, they were both laughing out loud with tears in their eyes. That song was so simple, but it said so much, about them. In the end, all they needed to know was each other and their love for each other. Anything else was either baggage or a bonus. Their love was all they needed to know.

...

They almost skipped the rest of the way back to the car, joking and laughing, and they couldn't get home fast enough. Elliot's heart soared each time he heard Olivia laugh out loud. For too long, she had hardly laughed at all. She hadn't had a reason to laugh, but now they did. Her laughter made him happy, and a while later, so did her moans of pleasure.

Olivia didn't even remember exactly how they'd gotten home, but their clothes had started coming off as soon as the door had closed behind them. It was so much better to be devoured by the man now that he had his strength and the use of all his limbs back. He was as passionate as he was loving and it was a combination that could take her to incredible heights. And he loved every inch of her. She didn't feel any insecurity about her body when she was with him and counted it as another victory against the demons of her past.

His hands and mouth were everywhere on her naked body and Olivia's back arched off the bed when he sucked one of her nipples into his mouth. She loved the battle of dominance between them, both in and outside the bedroom, but she secretly enjoyed it immensely when Elliot took charge. It made her feel strangely safe to be beneath him and see and feel his powerful body cover her own, as if he was shielding her away from the world. They were in their own little world now, and without Noah around, they didn't need to be quiet tonight.

Elliot took his time enjoying her body, exploring her as if he was doing so for the very first time. He loved finding new sensitive spots in unexpected places and he knew where she was the most ticklish. He made her laugh and moan and he knew now, that there would always be laughter when they'd be together like this in their bedroom. It was the place where they felt the most free to be themselves.

Olivia was writhing beneath him and he was amazed once again how easily she was surrendering to him. He never would have expected it after remembering the full fury of her independent personality. But here she was, her eyes almost sleepy, completely relaxed on one hand because of the trust that was between them, while on the other hand she clearly needed him to satisfy her. There was a very content, lustful gaze in her eyes if that combination was even possible.

She saw him taking her in, reading the look in her eyes, and she could see the love in his. They had come such a long way and to have him now, on top of her, between her legs, had become her new definition of home. They had shed all of their complicatedness, their difficulties to communicate in the past. Basically, they had both shed their filters, and right now, she felt like being completely filterless with him as well.

"Elliot, just do it already," she mumbled and his wide grin could have annoyed her, but it didn't because he chose that exact moment to make his move. Olivia tilted her hips and squeezed her eyes shut when he started entering her, digging her heels into the mattress. He filled her up like no man had ever before or would ever again. When he lowered his upper body to kiss her, she wrapped her arms around him and let her hands wander across his back. Feeling him moving inside her while feeling his muscles ripple underneath her palms was incredibly stimulating.

"No rush Liv," Elliot whispered against her lips, feeling the eager movements of her body.

"If I come too fast, you can just make me come again," Olivia retorted, making him laugh out loud again.

When Olivia lifted her arms above her head invitingly, he responded immediately, dipping down to capture her nipples between his lips one by one. He loved making her shudder and he loved how sensitive she was to his touch. But it was much the same for him. He was putty in her hands and when she began pushing her hips up faster, he couldn't do anything other than follow her lead. He might be on top, but she could still command him when she wanted to. Elliot moved his face to her neck as they sped up gradually together, and Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck.

They were reading each others' bodies with their eyes closed, knowing exactly how far along they were and falling into step so they would reach their climax together. The sounds they made and their movements told them all they needed to know. When Elliot felt her walls contract around him, he knew she was getting closer. When Olivia heard the pitch of his low grunts go up, she knew it was the same for him. She spread her knees wider and dug her heels into the backs of his thighs, spurring him on. and purred contently when he hit that one spot, that one spot ...

"Oh," she said softly.

"I know baby," Elliot whispered back, never slowing down.

He moved with fast but long, deliberate strokes, making her insides tingle in places she had never known could tingle like that.

Her tight heat did things to him that made him feel like his cock was twice the size it used to be.

His soundless gasp told her he was ready to blow.

The tilting of her hips told him she was giving him permission.

He changed the angle of his hips as well, knowing he'd give her clit the stimulation she would need, now that they were hurdling towards the finish line.

"Yes."

It hadn't been more than a whisper but his body had heard her loud and clear. His hips jerked forward, then stilled for a split second before Elliot resumed their rhythmic movement, letting out a guttural groan as he came.

She could feel him pulsating, spilling his seed deep inside her while continuing to hit that one spot that made her scream out loud when she joined him in his ecstasy. Pleasure exploded in her lower half and seemed to spread throughout her body as if her bloodstream was carrying it everywhere. Even the tips of her toes were tingling. They whispered each other's names and moaned together as they rode out their orgasms, coming down from their high slowly, almost lazily. Elliot was still moving slowly when he lifted his head to look into Olivia's eyes. The blissful fog was lifting gradually for both of them and they smiled at each other. Olivia played with the short hairs on the back of his head and Elliot ran one hand through her long locks before resting his arm above her head.

"I love you," he said softly, unable to find more appropriate words to say to her at the moment.

Olivia's smile widened.

"I don't know much," she started, speaking softly, almost singing the line, "but I know I love you."

"And that may be," Elliot hummed, and Olivia could feel the vibration of his low voice in his chest, "all I need to know."

"All I need to know," she whispered just before Elliot leaned in to kiss her tenderly.

It was quiet in their bedroom. All that could be heard for a long time was their lips and tongues meshing together in a deep, loving kiss. And if you listened carefully, you could hear their song still playing in the background, as the theme for their love life. And that may be all there is to know.

 **END**

...

...

 **And so this journey comes to an end. Thank you for reading all 80 chapters, I hope you enjoyed the ride!**

 **All your reviews were/are appreciated, it doesn't matter if you write the same thing over and over. It just lets me know you're still with me and I love getting every single on of them. I do enjoy loooong reviews ( wink at actionman81! ) so if you want to give me some final feedback here, I'm up for it!**

 **Now I'm thinking of writing a spin-off of this story, where Elliot fights off the mugger and makes it to Olivia on his birthday. Let me know if you're up for that? Please follow me to know if/when I upload it.**


	81. Spinoff announcement

**May 1st, 2018**

Hello everyone!

I'm just adding this note here to let you know I published the first chapter of the spinoff earlier today! It's called "All I Know" and I hope you'll enjoy it.

Happy reading,

 **Anne**


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